You (most likely) read and died of laughter at the randomness of YIPPEE! A FRIGGEN RANDOM DAY! Woot! And now I, Vanessa Osbourne present to you: Pointlessly Hysterical "Adventures" of Mario and Co. =D
Basically, just like my Phantom of the Opera Phunnies, any really random situation that pops into my already insane head that also involves Mario characters, well, will most likely be here. So, without further ado, GET ON TO THE STORY!
Disclaimer: Well, I don't own the Mario franchise. Nintendo does….I wish they'd stop rubbing it in.
The Missing Sock
It was a wonderful day in the Fungus Realm-erm, I mean Mushroom Kingdom. The angry sun was shining, birds were chirping, and then abruptly being eaten by Yoshis, and fire flowers were blooming, prompting many eager toads to pick them, getting third-degree burns in the process. Everything was just right.
Mario and Luigi were just getting ready for their next plumbing job. Well, I shouldn't be that vague. I mean Luigi was trying to get Mario from under his bed so they wouldn't be late for their next plumbing job.
"Come-a on Mario," Luigi yelled while pulling on his older twin's feet. "We're-a just gonna fix Toadsworth's sink!"
"NO!" Mario protested. "The last time I saw him, he started bonking me on the head with his old man stick!"
"That was because you kept poking his expensive'Green Goo Mound' with a stick!" Luigi groaned, pulling harder. "Look, if you come out of the bed and we get the sink fixed in time, we can push local toads into Peach's backyard waterfall if you want."
"YES! That. Would. Be. Awesome!" Mario said before beginning to cry. He and Luigi finally got ready, and raced to the princess's castle.
At the entrance, the Italian plumbers-wait, what? Italian plumbers? They have plumbers in Italy? Anyway, the two brothers saw Princess Daisy, who was standing motionless at the castle's entrance.
"You okay Daisy?" Luigi asked. He tapped on her shoulder. She completely fell over without moving any limbs.
"OH MY POWERFUL AND SOMEWHAT STRANGE LOOKING MUSHROOMS! I JUST KILLED THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!" Luigi screamed as he bent down and kneeled at Daisy's side.
"Luigi? Is that you?" Daisy's voice suddenly said.
"Daisy? Is that you from the beyond?" Luigi asked, feeling (and sounding) somewhat scared.
"No. Right behind you."
Luigi quickly turned around and saw Daisy. Erm, I mean another Daisy.
"Bu-but, there are TWO of you?" Luigi cried, confused.
"No, that's just a wax dummy I made. I used it so I could sneak out and get some Fruit Loops," Daisy replied casually, holding up a box of Fruit Loops.
"…Why did you need to sneak out and use a dummy just to get some cereal?" Luigi inquired, still quite confused.
"Peach is afraid of brightly colored circles. She says they're her mortal enemy," Daisy answered.
"Sounds like me and glitter glue," Luigi said, shuddering.
" I think she's afraid of that too. Hey, is that Mario over there, trying to shove a cow into the moat thingy here?" Daisy asked, pointing at Mario and not paying attention to the fact that this was her FIRST question she asked in this story.
Indeed, Mario was trying in vain to push a cow into the moat. The cow, meanwhile, was repeatedly chewing on grass with a bored, uncaring stare.
"WHY WON'T YOU FALL IN YOU FAT LUG OF STUPID!" Mario yelled at the top of his lungs while pushing. The cow simply dematerialized, making Mario fall flat on his back.
Luigi sighed, and ran to help his brother up.
"Mario, tell me, why were you trying to push a cow into Peach's moat?" Luigi asked irritably.
"Because…BECAUSE IT WAS ASKING FOR IT!" Mario retorted angrily.
"Come on. We're going to be late if we don't hurry into the castle," Luigi groaned, and with that, the two brothers ran into the castle.
After about 45 minutes, the sink had been fixed.
"Thank you boys so much," Toadsworth said kindly, "for helping an old toad in need."
"Um, sure," Luigi began, "but you, uh, forgot-"
"Forgot what? Oh, I forget everything nowadays. What day it is, what my job is, who I am," Toadsworth said quickly, trying to change the subject.
"But, sir," Luigi went on, "you didn't-"
"WHY HAVEN'T YOU PAYED US YET?" Mario questioned loudly. This interruption made Luigi pinch the bridge of his nose.
"Oh, erm, why eheheh, yes. Let me see here," Toadsworth said nervously as he dug into his pockets. He fished out two small hard candies.
"Gee, thanks," Luigi said unenthusiastically.
"WHAT? WE WASTE 45 MINUTES OF OUR LIVES FOR TWO STINKIN' PIECES OF CANDY! AAAAGH!" Mario bellowed, charging at the old Toad. Luckily, Luigi got hold of his brother and restrained him from Toadsworth.
"Sorry Toadsworth, Mario's just a little…grumpy today. He lost his prized uh…toothbrush and can't find it," Luigi lied, trying to make up for Mario's anger.
"Toothbrush eh? Well, you know what…I'd probably feel the same way if I lost my prized possession. My cleanest, never-used sock. I've had it for 27 years. If I lost it, I don't think I could go on. I'd break down, I'd cry, I'd destroy things I'd…" Toadsworth went on and on and ON.
"Come on Luigi," Mario whispered while tugging one of Luigi's sleeves. "He's never gonna stop talking. It's best if we go now."
"Alright," Luigi replied simply, and the two began to quietly walk out. They were unnoticed by Toadsworth, who was still going on about his ever-so clean sock and how he would put the person who so much as touches them through much pain and torture.
As the brothers walked through the castle, they bumped into Wario and Yoshi, who were having a lovely conversation. Well, I should be more truthful, the bros. saw Wario and Yoshi having a heated argument about…grain.
"I say LENTILS are better!" Wario angrily declared, glaring at Yoshi.
"That's probably because your brain is the size of one! Obviously, oats are better! They make oatmeal AND oatmeal cookies!" Yoshi retorted furiously, which, actually, surprised the whole audience, who was unaware that this story was going to have Yoshi use regular English instead of, uh, Yoshi talk.
"Well oats are eaten by horses, which are ridden in battle, and since you have been ridden in battle AND like oats, you must be a horse!" Wario screamed, gasping for breath.
"Oh, that hurt so badly you two-faced two-ton lug of idiot!" Yoshi bit back harshly.
"Woah, woah, woah! Calm down you two! It's just cereal!" Luigi said, trying to break up the fight.
"Yeah, besides, we all know the best type of grain is millet." Mario added.
"…..BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S THE STUPIDEST IDEA EVER!" Wario laughed.
"Yeah! That's a pretty stupid thought! Not as stupid as fat man's here though," Yoshi said, mumbling the last part.
"But it feeds chickens! CHICKENS ARE PEOPLE TOO!" Mario screamed before running away. This made Wario and Yoshi laugh even harder.
"I guess I'd better go get him…" Luigi sighed before making a mad dash for Mario. When the plumbers were, uh, 'reunited' in the kitchen, there was a sudden scream of:
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT MY PRECIOUS, CLEAN, PRIZED, FREAKIN' AWESOME, PRICELESS SOCK!", followed by a loud thud.
"Where in this world of oddly proportioned, recurring enemies did that scream come from?" asked Daisy, who had been sitting on the counter, eating a bowl of Fruit Loops.
"I dunno, let's go see," Luigi said.
"Sure. I've got nothing better to do," Daisy agreed, getting off the counter.
"Alright, but we better be able to push toads into the moat today!" Mario groaned, crossing his arms.
Just as the three were about to 'investigate', ropes fell from the ceiling. Toads clad in black came down these ropes, knocked out the trio, and took them away.
When the three woke up, they found themselves in a dungeon-like room. But they weren't alone. Wario, Yoshi, and Peach, who were also just waking up, were there too. They were all chained to the wall by one foot.
"Where are we? Are we in a fun house at the county fair? I'm afraid of county fairs!" Peach cried.
"Oh yes, this dark, windowless place is certainly a county fair. Oh look, there's Bobo, the nonexistent clown from Finland!" Yoshi said sarcastically, shaking his head.
"NOOOO! I'M AFRAID OF NONEXISTENT CLOWNS NAMED BOBO THAT COME FROM FINLAND!" Peach screamed in fear.
"Oh cram it blondie! Why didn't you tell us you had a dungeon?" Wario questioned angrily.
"I was afraid of coming down here!" Peach answered.
"Lemme guess, you're afraid of darkness," Luigi said, groaning.
"No...well, yes, I do. But that's not the reason I've never been down here. I'm afraid of bricks! And iron bars! And rooms without windows! AND OXYGEN! HEEEEELP ME MARIOOOOOOOOO!" Peach bellowed, curling up in fetal position and crying.
Just then, as Peach was bawling like a baby, Toadsworth entered through a conveniently-placed water slide that just so happened to end in this dungeon.
"WHEEE! I LOVE THIS WHATCHIMACALLIT!" Toadsworth screamed happily before getting off, smiling widely. He then looked at all the lonely people that were held captive, and his smile, unfortunately, died. It was 23 years old.
"Well. I bet you're all wondering why you're here," Toadsworth began, looking upset.
"TOADSWORTH! HELP ME! SAVE ME FROM THIS CARNIVAL WITH CLOWNS AND NACHOS!" Peach pleaded loudly.
"...What's wrong with nachos?" Daisy asked, looking confused and, for some reason, a little offended.
"NACHOS ARE PEOPLE TOO!" Mario suddenly declared. "PEACE AND LOVE TO THE NACHOS! BEFRIEND THE NACHO! DON'T FEAR THE NACHO! LOVE THE-
"Okay okay, we get it you two ton Italian sausage!" Yoshi yelled, annoyed.
"That hurt Yoshi! That hurt so much!" Mario exclaimed, looking hurt. Just like he said, so it's probably obvious that, well, you get it...
"Will you guys listen?" Luigi began. "Toadsworth might let us-"
"Well, it's the truth! You eat about 12 tons of food a day, and half of it is sausage!" Yoshi retorted, interrupting Luigi.
"You're using that "You are what you eat" saying. Dude, you need to get better sources," Wario said, staring at Yoshi.
"Well any idiot who thinks lentils are better than oats would say that to sound smart!" Yoshi bit back.
"Is that so horse-face?" Wario asked tauntingly.
The two went back to where they left off in their argument about grain. While this was happening, Mario was calling Yoshi childish names, Peach was huddled in a corner sucking her thumb, Luigi was groaning and shaking his head, Daisy was muttering how Peach was unable to appreciate all that Nachos have done for people , and Toad-wait, where did Toad come from? Oh, really? You've got to be joking Jim. No? Wow. That's sad. Well, apparently, Toad was there all this time, quietly sitting in the far right corner, and no one, not even I, the AUTHOR, noticed him.
Okay, enough of that, while everyone (excluding Toad) was making noise, Toadsworth was getting angry. Not angry enough to yell though. He was angry enough to yell right about...now.
"SHUT UP YOU YOUNGSTERS!" Toadsworth yelled, glaring at everyone. Everyone did as told. Well, Toad was already being quiet, so everyone else shut up. They all looked at Toadsworth.
"Now,"said the old toad, "as I was saying, you might be wondering why you're all here. Well, someone in this castle has stolen my precious sock, and I'm going to find out who did it."
"Who said any of us stole the sock?" Yoshi questioned angrily.
"Oh, so it must have been you! You, Yoshi, must have been hungry and eaten the sock!" Toadsworth declared, pointing his finger at Yoshi.
Yoshi glared at Toadsworth, and pointed a finger at the old toad's chest. "Why in this world that uses no realistic elements or laws of science would I eat a sock owned by some crackpot geezer like yourself? Just because my species and I eat many things doesn't mean I eat just anything! Try seeing if tubby over there ate it!"
Toadsworth turned to Wario.
"Wario," he asked sternly. Well, sternly, that is, for a geyser such as himself. "Did YOU eat my sock because you HUNGERED?"
Wario stood there, looking guilty. "No."
"Tell the truth young man."
"No, I didn't."
"Very well. Here is a piece of candy for your troubles."
Toadsworth handed Wario a glowing, neon orange rock that looked a bit like rock candy. As the others got mad and began to rant about how unfair it was that Wario got candy and they didn't, Wario stared at the rock joyfully, then stuck it (along with both of his hands) in his mouth. He then took his slobber-coated hands out of his mouth and wiped them on his pants. He grinned for a few seconds, then immediately turned green.
"HA YOU IDIOT! THAT WASN'T CANDY! THAT WAS THE ESSENCE OF NAUSEA!" Toadsworth screamed triumphantly.
Wario soon barfed up all that he had eaten that day and the day before, which consisted of sixteen pounds of lentils (which were still in burlap sacks), the Flood album, two license plates, twelve computer mice, a mound of mashed potatoes that looked like the Empire State Building, a rotten old tomato, and a piece of red yarn. Unfortunately, there was no sock.
"Rats," Toadsworth sighed, "I guess you didn't take it Wario."
Toadsworth then turned to Peach, who was crying about her fears of yarn and computer mice.
"So, my so called "darling", YOU must have taken the sock to sell at a flea market so you could pay off your debts on your Robot Insurance," Toadsworth accused madly. And by madly I mean both angrily and insanely. Come on, the guy lost a very important artifact of his life, which happens to take the form of a mere foot garment that you can buy almost anywhere in the world for very little money.
"Socks? Robots? WHERE? I'M AFEARED! NOOOOO!" Peach screamed before crying yet again.
Toadsworth smacked his face and walked over to Mario, Luigi, and Daisy.
"Tell me, please, for the sake of my health, and your friends' well being-wait, scrap that last part, just for the sake of my health, tell me if you took the sock. I won't get mad," he pleaded, looking truly sad and somewhat pathetic.
"I didn't take it Toadsworth. Honestly. The only time I would really need a sock is if a nuclear war was about to start, and the magic conch shell told me that there was no sign of nuclear war," Daisy said calmly and innocently.
Toadsworth looked at her seriously for a few minutes, then sighed.
"I guess it couldn't have been you," the old toad sighed. "Only one who truly follows the magic conch shell could act so casually when being stared at by someone for a long time."
Toadsworth then turned to Mario and Luigi.
"So, we're down to you two. The two I didn't pay because of fund shortage. You wanted revenge, so you snuck into my room whilst I was playing Eddie Van Halen's guitar solo from Eruption on the tennis racket (Peach screamed about her fear of tennis rackets as Toadsworth said this) and STOLE THE SOCK for revenge," the elderly mushroom dude bellowed, getting madder and madder every second. And remember kids, madder means angry AND insane!
"Look, we didn't take-" Luigi began calmly, before being interupted.
"WE DIDN'T DO IT! STOP ACCUSING US FOR STUFF WE DIDN'T DO BEFORE I CHUCK A MANGO AT YOU!" Mario yelled angrily, glaring at Toadsworth, who was seething with anger.
"Poor mango," muttered Yoshi sarcastically with his arms crossed.
"Look, Toadsworth, I'm sure we could sort things out if-" Luigi started.
"YOU BETTER CRAM IT YOUNGSTER!" Toadsworth yelled at Mario. "YOU BETTER JUST GIVE UP THE SOCK AND-"
"NO! I DON'T HAVE IT! AND YOU CRAM IT BEFORE I LOB A PINEAPPLE AT YOUR CATERPILLAR-RIDDEN FACE!"
"Guys, if you'd just LISTEN to me-" Luigi began.
"GIVE IT OVER NOW!"
"I DON'T HAVE IT!"
"YES YOU DO!"
"NO I DON'T!"
"YES YOU DO!"
"NO I DON'T!"
"YES YOU-"
"WILL THE BOTH OF YOU KINDLY SHUT UP?" Luigi suddenly screamed with loads of anger. In fact, if anger could be measured in pounds, I'd say he said that with about, oh...over 9000 pounds of anger.
Everyone instantly shut up. Even Peach, who'd been bawling over her fear of mangoes, stopped in the middle of her weeping.
"FINALLY! NOW! IF EVERYONE WOULD JUST LISTEN TO ME, I COULD HELP SORT THINGS OU-"
"So it was YOU, Luigi, who took the sock!" Toadsworth suddenly accused, jabbing a finger at Luigi's nose. This maddened Luigi. And remember our little definition of mad. Angry AND insane.
"YES! YES I TOOK IT! HAHAHAHAHA! AND I HAVE NO REMORSE! NO REMORSE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Luigi screamed madly. In fact, he looked pretty mad, for his eyes were bloodshot, his hair was messed up, and, well, he just had that "mad" feeling.
"No you didn't Luigi," Daisy said, not noticing Luigi's madness. "Remember, you were with me when I was eating Fruit Loops. And so was Mario."
Toadsworth gave Daisy another long stare.
"Well, I guess you are telling the truth," Toadsworth began, "but there are no suspects left. None...except..."
All heads turned to Toad, who was still sitting quietly in the corner. In his hands, he held a lone white sock, which seemed to have just been taken out of the dryer and ironed.
"I-I was just doing the laundry. I'm sorry Toadsworth..." Toad said, tears welling in his eyes.
Toadsworth sighed. "I guess it's not all that bad sonny. You were just doing a tedious chore. It's okay. May I have the sock back please?"
Toad sniffled, gave Toadsworth the sock, and left with his head hung down. Toadsworth examined it, standing silent for a long time. Ugh, how long will this take? I have a meeting at 5!
"This...This..." Toadsworth started to say.
"What is it, Toadsworth?" Luigi and Daisy asked in unison.
"...This isn't my sock," Toadsworth managed to say.
"...What are you talking about Toadsworth? It's a white sock. It's clean. It's only one. How can it not be yours?" Luigi asked, sounding annoyed.
"Well, yes, all of the above is true, but there's a difference. This is a Golden Toe Brands sock. My sock is a Wigwarm Mills sock," Toadsworth answered, sounding upset.
"So it wasn't Toad who took the sock?" Yoshi questioned, feeling pretty mad.
"Darn, and you'd think that, since he's in the corner, he's totally vital and important to the plot. I guess he was just put in for the extra sarcasm and random twist," Wario sighed, shaking his head.
"I agree buddy, I agree," Yoshi said, patting Wario on the back.
"Well, if it wasn't Toad who took my sock, and it wasn't any of you, WHO COULD HAVE TAKEN IT? THERE ARE NO MORE CHARACTERS IN THIS CRUMMY STORY!" Toadsworth cried in madness.
"Well," Luigi began, "I guess we'll just have to forgive and forget, and all will be well agai-"
"WHAT IN THIS WORLD OF OVERUSED JOKES AND RANDOMNESS IS THAT!" Daisy screamed, pointing at a cow that was finishing its apparation into the dungeon room. It looked bored and uncaring, just like the cow Mario was trying to push into the moat-oh, right, duh, it is the same cow. Heheh, sorry peeps.
"It's YOU again!" Mario yelled, glaring at the cow. It did nothing but chomp on some grass it had in its mouth.
"MY SOCK!" cried Toadsworth, pointing at a conveniently-placed sock in the cow's food. He ran towards the cow, grabbed the sock, and began to tug, but it wouldn't budge.
"GIMME MY SOCK YOU BUTTERED UP PIECE OF POO!" Toadsworth screamed, pulling even harder at the sock. He failed. Woop.
"I have an idea!" Mario said childishly, pointing a finger in the air. "All we have to do is push the cow in the moat outside, and then it will disintegrate and the sock will be free!"
"...I don't see any logic whatsoever in that plan, so it just might work," said Toadsworth. "Alright everybody! Time to push a cow into the moat!"
So, everyone (excluding Peach, who chose to sit in the corner and whine about her phobia of cows and moats.) started to push the cow, going at the rate of one inch per minute.
"Okay," Yoshi began, "this is getting too hard! Why not just cut our losses?"
Toadsworth turned to Yoshi, glared at him, and pointed his finger into the dino's chest.
"Look you wipper-snapper," the old toad began in a dark, ticked off tone. "I'm not going to permit freedom to giver-upper people. Are YOU A GIVER-UPPER PEOPLE?"
"N-n-n-no," Yoshi stammered fearfully.
"Good," said Toadsworth, who went back to pushing the cow.
So, at the speed rate of one inch per minute, the gang pushed and pushed, not stopping for anything, not even a bathroom break. Yeah, the sock was THAT important. The sun began to set when the gang reached the moat.
"Okay everyone," said Mario, who was still pushing on the cow. "Any second now, this thing will fall into the lake, and we will get the sock back!"
The gang pushed...and pushed...and pushed...and pushed...and pushed...and pushed...and pushed...and pushed... and pushed.. AND PUSHED... and pushed until they hear a SPLOOSH and became soaking wet.
"HOORAY!" cried Daisy and Mario.
The gang turned around, but, to their disappointment, the cow just stood there in the moat, eating its grass.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Toadsworth moaned, falling to the ground. He began to roll around, wailing about his poor little sock.
"Ugh, I'm hungry! Where's the next grain market so I can get a metric-ton of lentils," Wario groaned, patting his huge slab of fat he called a stomach.
"Well, the SMART thing to do would be to buy a lifetime supply of oats you dolt!" Yoshi began, glaring.
"Yeah, if you were a horse melon-face."
"Pork Chop!"
"Eggwad!"
"Grease ball!"
"Guys!" Daisy shouted, interrupting the name-calling fight. "Let's just rest for a few minutes. I have a bag of Fruit Loops we can all share." She pulled out a plastic bag that was filled with Fruit Loops. She was about to open it, when, suddenly:
"NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE EVILNESSEZ OF FRUIT LOOPS!" cried a strange, deep voice from the moat. Everyone turned to see the cow, who had dropped his food (including the sock) and was freaked out so badly, the freak out-o-meter that was installed near the castle was on rainbow marmalade purple, the color that is almost impossible to reach.
The cow then began to rise into the air by producing flatulence. It rose to about three inches in the air, then it instantly self-destructed, killing all the fish that were unfortunate enough to live in the Mushroom Kingdom moat.
Toadsworth, who'd stopped bawling just in time to witness the aforementioned events, ran giddily to the moat, picked up his sock (which, oddly enough, didn't have any holes or rips or anything.) and began to kiss it repeatedly, getting cow slobber and fish guts all over his face.
"Uh, let's not bother him," Luigi said, grossed out by Toadsworth. He and Daisy walked over to a nearby foundain and sat down beside it.
"Ah, the sunset. So nice, isn't it?" Daisy asked.
"Yep, sure is," Luigi replied, putting a hand around Daisy's shoulder. So, they sat together and watched the sunset while Mario began pushing toads into the moat, and Yoshi and Wario began to bicker once more about grain. Yes, it had truly been an odd day...for our standards. But for the standards of the Mushroom Kingdom, this was probably just another kitten stuck in a tree. Just wait for the next chapters. You'll see. YOU'LL ALL SEE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
So, that wraps up that little oddity. Remember, RPRALI (Read, Ponder, Review, And Like It). Flames are welcome, as always, and shall be used...to cook oats and lentils. SEE YA NEXT CHAPTER! XD