Title: Your Man Could Smell Like Me
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,947
Warnings: flirting galore
Summary: Dave Karofsky did not expect to go to school that day and be mauled by everything with a pulse- and not in a safari jungle way.
This is for Grimapparitions and all the people who convinced me to write this! Darn you enablers.
The school day started as normal with Dave running out the door at 8:25 to make it just in time to sit down as the bell rang for first period. Settling into his seat, Dave pulled out his pencil as he felt a poke in his back.
"Pst, Karofsky." Dave turned to see Santana leaning forward in a low-cut shirt, her boobs practically falling out.
"Did you forget a bra today or something?" whispered Dave back. This was not a sight he wanted to see in the morning, he was barely awake.
"Noticed, did you?" said Santana with a smirk. "Just for you, hot-shot."
"Ugh, why? You know they do nothing for me," he whispered back harshly.
Santana leaned forward and whispered into his ear, "Well, you certainly do something to me."
"Okay, Santana? I get you don't want anyone knowing you a lesbian, but back away- personal space, geez." Dave turned around in his chair, only to feel Santana eyes on him.
Hopefully whatever plan Santana had going on would stop soon, and he could just forget about it.
"Have you been working out?" asked Sam, coming over to grip his bicep. Dave was a little weirded out, Sam wasn't usually the kind of guy to go around touching other guy's biceps.
"Um, no more than usual," replied Dave as he looked at Sam funny.
"Seriously man, you look really good," agreed Azimio, checking Dave over. "Have you been pumping iron without me?"
"No man, same cardio and everything," Dave said as he eyed the two football players. "You're kind of freaking me out."
"Hey, we're not being gay by telling you you're lookin' good, my man," said Azimio as he slapped Dave's butt. "Just telling the truth."
"I'd give up Doritos for your biceps," said Sam reverently as he continued to stare at his arms like they were candy.
"Yeah… I'm gonna go guys, see you out on the volleyball court," said Dave as he backed out of the locker room.
"This is getting out of hand," he muttered.
-
Dave was beginning to get more paranoid as the day went on, looking out for anymore flirty predators. When he felt a hand on his shoulder, he internally groaned, and turned to find one Sue Sylvester.
"Stop right there, hamhock," Sue said.
"What do you need, Coach Sylvester?" asked Dave, mentally cringing at what would come next.
"I wanted to have you know that despite the fact that I am married to myself, I am still open. Whether it's to marry an iguana from New Mexico or possibly an alien sent by our forefathers to take down the planet, I can still legally do so."
"That's great, Coach… Is there a reason for telling me this?" Dave tried to move away from the hand on his shoulder, but to no avail. The woman was deceptively strong.
"Not really, Prom Queen, just to let you know."
"I was Prom King, actually," corrected Dave, and Sue got very close.
"King, Queen, it doesn't matter. Now get out of my face, before I regret it." Not needing to be told twice, Dave quickly made a dash for the cafeteria, praying that there was an empty table somewhere he could eat alone.
Dave spotted one over in the corner, and sat down where he could see the rest of the cafeteria. He did not want another sneak attack.
Sadly, his solace was broken by Noah Puckerman deciding to sit himself down across the table.
"What's up, bro? What're you doing over here by yourself?" asked Puck, grinning at Dave.
"I thought you hated me, Puck. Said something about a Death Star…?" Dave glared at Puck, hoping that if he sent hatred the boy's way that it would somehow make him leave.
"That's all in the past, D-man, all in the past. However, you did bring up Super Mario brothers, and so I thought I'd bring out a little song that made me think of you…" Puck pulled up his guitar, and before Dave could stop him, he began to strum.
"Do do do do," sang Puck. "You'll be my princess and I'll be your toad, I'll follow behind you on rainbow road-"
"Hold up, are you singing 'Mario Kart Love Song' to me?" asked Dave incredulous. Puck stopped, looking at Dave with a smile.
"You know it? It just makes me think of you, man, I don't know why," said Puck as he leaned over the table to smirk at Dave.
"Okay, Puckerman, I get that you think you're some kind of stud in your head, but seriously, get away from me," said Dave with frustration. "Now."
"Okay, fine, I get it," said Puck, and he picked up his guitar. "I'll try later."
"Please don't try later," mumbled Dave to himself, and he plonked his head onto the table. Could this day get any worse?
"David Karofsky, I have a proposition for you," were the words he heard from an unknown voice until he looked down to see none other than Rachel Berry.
"Berry, I really don't have time for this." Dave sighed, knowing that wouldn't deter her.
"It has come to my attention that you are a top commodity right now, you have excellent dental hygiene and through the tapped locker room, I know you have a superb voice that could meld perfectly with mine—"
"You bugged the locker rooms," said Dave with wide eyes. "Isn't that illegal?"
"In many states, yes, but I found a loophole-" started Rachel.
"Save it Berry, I don't need you to justify your acts right now. Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I think you and I…" Rachel said, trailing off as she looked up at him with a flirtatious smile.
"Oh no," Dave said, cutting her off. "No. No way, that's not happening. You're not my type."
"And what is your type?" asked Rachel, batting her eyelashes up at him.
"Someone not as annoying," muttered Dave.
"Sorry, what was that?"
"Uh, boobs. Big ones. Sorry Berry, it's a no-go."
"You haven't seen the last of me, David Karofsky!" Rachel yelled as Dave made a quick dash to Calculus.
-
"You don't think I'm suddenly a stud muffin, do you?" Kurt heard this, and frowned for a moment. Seeing Dave from behind his locker, he raised an eyebrow.
"Dave, I know I said some mean comments about your appearance, but I do that to everyone. You don't need to fish for compliments," said Kurt as he pushed his locker closed.
"Oh, you're normal, thank god," said Dave with relief.
"What's going on David?"
"Everyone has been hitting on me, like some kind of prank," explained Dave as he watched the hallways. When he wished he could be on top of the school, this was not what he was thinking of.
"I think that's a little silly…" Kurt trailed off as he saw his brother Finn give Dave a wink and the face he remember his rendition of "Hello, I Love You." Kurt stared for a moment before saying, "Okay, maybe it isn't so silly."
"See what I mean?" said Dave as he gestured to a group of freshman girls giggling at him.
"You have a point," conceded Kurt. Taking a deep breath, Kurt began to think aloud. "Okay, have you been doing anything differently today? A new shirt, products?" asked Kurt.
"Do you really think those would change things?" asked Dave, wracking his brain.
"Well, it's the only thing I can think of, the situation itself is kind of bizarre." Kurt looked at Dave, and then got very close and sniffed.
"Why are you sniffing me?" asked Dave, suddenly aware of just how close Kurt was.
"You used a different shampoo today, your hair smells different," explained Kurt as if it made all the sense in the world. As Kurt pulled back, Dave thought he saw a flush come over Kurt's ears, but he wasn't completely sure about it.
"Uh, yeah, I did," agreed Dave, looking at Kurt. "How did you know?"
"I'm very good at sensory memorization when it comes to products." Kurt clutched his books closer to this chest and avoided looking Dave in the eye. "I suggest you call it a day and go home, wash it off and stay away from human civilization."
"Right, that's probably a good idea," agreed Dave. "Hey Kurt."
Kurt looked up, and tilted his head as his inquiry.
"Thanks."
"No problem, Dave. I hope it helps," replied Kurt and began to walk away, his books still held to his chest. Dave watched him go, slightly confused, but decided not to worry about it.
-
A little flirting with the nurse, a phone call and a shower later, Dave sat on his bed exhausted from keeping away so many people all day.
Dave heard his mother call down from the stairs, "Dave, dinner!" Dave walked down the stairs slowly, keeping up the act of playing sick to his parents. He threw in a cough for good measure before sitting down at the dinner table across from his father.
"Not feeling well, son?" asked Paul, looking at Dave with concern. "Think you're catching something from school?"
"Probably, yeah," mumbled Dave, making his voice sound a little gravelly.
"Well, it's all for the best that you came home, dear," said Karen Karofsky as she sent down a salad next to a crockpot. "I made chicken noodle soup, so it should be easy on your stomach."
"Thanks Ma," said Dave, giving her a weak smile. They settled in to eat, and he let his mother and father dictate most of the conversation why he enjoyed the homemade soup.
"-and it was very odd, everyone seemed to like the way I smelled today, I could barely get any work done with people stopping by my office." Dave perked up at what Paul was saying, and looked at his father strangely.
"So people just really liked you today?" asked Dave cautiously, taking a piece of bread.
"Yeah, it was really weird," said Paul as he scooped some salad onto his plate. "I went by the auto-shop, and Mr. Hummel kept telling me 'you matter.' It was nice of him, but bizarre…" he said thoughtfully.
"Dad, you should throw your shampoo away, I found out there was a recall on it," said Dave as calmly as he could. He was not going to think about Mr. Hummel hitting on his dad. That's where he drew the line.
"Okay, sport, I will," said Paul.
"What's funny is, I just love you as much as I usually do," teased Karen. "The shampoo actually doesn't smell that great."
"Sure, whatever you say, dear," chuckled Paul. "You know you've got the hots for me,"
"Dad, please, I'm sick here," groaned Dave, looking at the two with disgust. "I don't want to puke."
"Son, be happy your parents still love each other as much as they did when they first got married," said Paul.
"I think more than that, now, hun," said Karen, taking Paul's hand.
"Of course, I think I love you a bit more every day," said Paul and he kissed her hand.
"Okay, I'm gonna go back to bed to get away from all this smushy goop," Dave said and headed toward the stairs. As he laid down on his bed, Dave remembered one detail from the day.
"Kurt wasn't affected… And neither was my mom?" wondered Dave. "That's a little odd…" Dave lay there for a moment, pondering what it could mean. "No, it couldn't be." Dave sprawled out on his bed and proceeded to forget about the whole day.
Honestly, it was just better that way.