Warning: Severe OOC and smut
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I'm going to go all out and post this uncensored. I wonder how long it will take me to get banned.
The quotes come from Going Postal. Terry Pratchett wrote them and I feel bad about using them for something like this. Why am I even posting this?
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When Vetinari told Lipwig he wasn't going to eat him while sitting in a darkened coach with the drapes closed, my mind fell in the gutter. Seriously, the door even clicked ominously! I got to thinking about what would happen if Vetinari was lying, as he does so often, and actually did eat Lipwig. Then I hit on an idea while looking up British curse words for another story. Apparently 'blow me' and 'pants' have very different meanings in England. Brits are also a little sore about how Americans butcher the English language by saying things like 'you done real good.' I've replaced America with Genua because it kind of reminds me of America.
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(~~TP
Moist went down the main stairs like a maddened tap dancer and ran out through the big double doors. He hurried toward the coach. A man was standing by the invitingly open door.
"Look, what is this about?" Moist demanded, panting for breath. "I don't have all—"
"Ah, Mr. Lipwig," said Lord Vetinari's voice from within, "do step inside. Thank you, Houseman, Mrs. Lavish will be waiting. Hurry up, Mr. Lipwig, I am not going to eat you. I have just had an acceptable cheese sandwich."
What harm can it do to find out? It's a question that left bruises down the centuries, even more than "It can't hurt if I only take one" and "It's all right if you only do it standing up."
Moist climbed into the shadows. The door clicked behind him, and he turned suddenly.
"Oh, really," said Lord Vetinari. "It's just shut, it isn't locked, Mr. Lipwig. Do compose yourself!"
"What is it you want?" said Moist as the coach jerked into motion.
~~TP)
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(Mix of TP and me~~
Lord Vetinari smirked. "I will give you a hint. I lied when I said I would not eat you."
"What?"
In the blink of an eye, Vetinari crossed the gap between them. He put a hand on Lipwig's chest to stop him from getting up and leaned his arm against the wall behind him.
"Why did you get into my coach, Mr. Lipwig?"
"I was told it was outside!"
Vetinari bent his knees and propped them against the seat on either side of Lipwig. He lowered his head so he could see him face to face.
"And if you had been told it was black, would you have found it necessary to do anything about it? There is the door, Mr. Lipwig."
Vetinari removed his hand but to Lipwig the pressure was still there. He tried to convince himself not to think about what the Patrician's body language was implying. He looked at the closed coach door. It was probably locked. The Patrician liked giving people the illusion of choice.
"But…" he stammered. "But, you've been parked out here all morning!" Lipwig wanted to get up but Vetinari's position kept him down.
"It is a public street, sir," said Lord Vetinari. He traced his finger along Lipwig's jawline. "You are restless, Mr. Lipwig. You are careless of your safety. Life has lost its flavor, has it not?"
Moist didn't reply. The Patrician's mirthless grin made him tremble in fear. His eyes widened in panic when he felt a thumb rub the skin under his bottom lip.
"Let us talk about angels," said Lord Vetinari.
~~Mix of TP and me)
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He leaned in and kissed him. It was firm but still tender somehow. Lipwig tried to push him away, but he only got another more enthusiastic kiss in return. When Vetinari pulled back, he could see Lipwig's face frozen in terror. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish. The shock was enough to topple him over with the slightest wind.
"Blow me…" Lipwig muttered breathlessly.
Lord Vetinari grinned and blew a puff of air onto Lipwig's face.
"Yes, it is surprising."
Lipwig blinked. His mind raced, but he could find nothing that would help him deal with this completely bizarre situation. He resorted to following his instincts. Unfortunately, Lipwig's instincts had been carefully reformed from the normal fight or flight into something more dangerous. He recklessly raised the stakes.
"You know I lived in Genua for a few years," said Lipwig. "It means something very different there."
Vetinari narrowed his eyes fractionally.
Lipwig couldn't believe what he had just said. His heartbeat doubled as if it knew that it wouldn't be able to do it much longer. Lord Vetinari smiled viciously and wrapped one hand around Lipwig's neck.
"What did you think I meant when I said I wanted to eat you?" Vetinari loosened Lipwig's gold tie and ran his hand down his chest.
Lipwig realized too late what was happening and his protests died before they reached his mouth. He squeaked as Lord Vetinari grasped his crotch and silenced him with a kiss. He efficiently unbuttoned the gold coat with his other hand. Lipwig held back the urge to defend himself. The most powerful man in the city quite literally had him by the balls. It was not the time to try anything aggressive.
"What the hell are you doing?" Lipwig had to turn his head to speak.
Lord Vetinari pulled on his tie. Lipwig was forced to lean forward giving the Patrician the chance to take off his coat. He tossed it aside and kissed his ear.
"I believe my intentions are quite clear by now," Vetinari whispered. He took Lipwig's earlobe into his mouth and sucked on it firmly. He traced his tongue up the edge and nipped at the top of his ear. "Take off your trousers."
"No! This is daft!"
"You are not a man to go back on his word, Postmaster. You already issued the challenge."
Lipwig reminded himself that Lord Vetinari was a trained assassin. He swallowed hard and opened the button. This wasn't at all what he wanted. He wondered how long the Patrician was planning on taking this. He hoped this odd behavior was just some kind of sick power play meant to scare him and put him in his place. Lord Vetinari touched the back of his waist with both hands and slipped his fingers below the edge. Lipwig gasped when he dipped under the elastic waistband beneath.
"Remember, Postmaster, we are not in Genua." Vetinari thrust his hands down Lipwig's bare cheeks and squeezed mercilessly.
Lipwig's reflexes kicked in and he sprang out of his seat hitting his head on the ceiling of the carriage. The recoil sat him back down, but that split second was enough time for Lord Vetinari to roughly slide Lipwig's trousers out from under him. Lipwig shouted in shock and utter disbelief. He desperately clutched the upholstery and squeezed his eyes shut.
"Fine! I get it! You have complete power over me! I wasn't planning on betraying you anyway!"
Vetinari kneeled on the floor, stripped the rest of Lipwig's lower half, and pushed his knees apart. He kissed the sensitive skin on the inside of his thighs.
"You've made your point!" screamed Lipwig trying to close his legs, but the Patrician had placed himself firmly between them blocking him. His dick practically retracted away from Vetinari in an attempt at self-preservation.
"I am simply carrying out your request," Lord Vetinari said with carefully contrived innocence. He unbuttoned Lipwig's shirt and pulled it down over his shoulders. Lipwig pressed his back against the seat to stop him from removing his shirt entirely. He was shaking in terror and not the good kind of terror.
Vetinari placed a hand over Lipwig's heart. He could feel it racing in pure panic. He paused until Lipwig opened his eyes.
"I can't stop you," Moist whispered. His voice was cracked and feeble. "You own me. I'm a commodity to you, but I can only have one angel."
Lipwig stared at the door and panted with ragged breaths. He forced himself not to cry. It shouldn't be like this. The idle dream had become a nightmare.
"I had expected more from you, Moist von Lipwig," said Lord Vetinari disappointed. "You started out so well."
Anger and indignation bubbled to the surface. "Did I? And now that I've restored the post office I've reached the end of my usefulness?" He knew the Patrician was inclined to breaking things that didn't work anymore, especially if that thing could not be controlled. Moist was already a dead man even if he hadn't gotten into the coach. He glared at Vetinari's infuriatingly unreadable face.
"You take risks, Postmaster," said the Patrician. "It is what you are good at. When did you lose your reckless impunity?"
Lipwig squared his jaw and scowled. "What makes you think it's gone?"
Fueled by his anger and fear Lipwig shoved Lord Vetinari into the opposite seat. Without pausing to think, Moist let his insolent side take over. He grasped the back of Vetinari's neck and kissed him violently. The Patrician parted his lips to let Lipwig ravage the inside of his mouth. He wrapped his arms around him and relaxed his body unresistingly. When Lipwig pulled away, Lord Vetinari was breathing heavily with an oddly hopeful expression.
"You really are full of surprises." He touched Lipwig's stunned face gently and gave him a faint smile. "Did you ever think that perhaps you are the angel?"
Lipwig's mouth hung open incredulously. "What are you…? I… I don't understand."
Vetinari let his arms slide limply off of Lipwig's back. "If I said I trust you would you humor me? I want you. It does not matter how. I can be submissive if you are so inclined."
Lipwig just couldn't think of a way to reply to that. He simply stared at him bewildered.
Vetinari closed his eyes and sighed faintly. "I never intended to rape you. When you brazenly told me to blow you, I thought you would continue to raise the stakes. I never imagined you would act so docilely." He collected himself. His eyes glossed over, cold and sightless, and he resumed his usual demeanor. "If you step aside, I will ask the coachman to take you back to the post office."
Lipwig shifted to allow Lord Vetinari to move freely and reached for his discarded clothes. He watched the Patrician take hold of the handle of a tiny sliding door that was all that separated them from the driver. Suddenly Lipwig felt a pang of uncertainty. The door had only opened an inch before he hit Vetinari's hand away and closed it. He held on as if the rocking motion of the coach would coax it to open again.
Vetinari stared at him with genuine confusion. Lipwig was wearing nothing but a rumpled shirt and tie, but instead of getting dressed, he was clinging desperately to the small door. It didn't make sense. Both of them stayed silent. Lipwig took an unsteady breath.
"At least… let me put my clothes on first…" he muttered lamely.
Vetinari turned his head and closed his eyes for modesty's sake. Lipwig picked up his pants and stared at them.
"Did you mean what you said?"
Lord Vetinari waited before answering. It wasn't his normal pause meant to unnerve people. His hesitation was sincere.
"Yes," he whispered.
Lipwig turned to look at Vetinari, but he couldn't see his face. The man was sitting stiffly in his seat, completely motionless.
"You really trust me?"
Vetinari nodded his head almost imperceptibly. Lipwig's shoulders drooped. He ran his golden silk tie through his fingers.
"You love me…"
Vetinari flinched. It was a tiny movement that spoke volumes. "You should get dressed," he said but the slight shiver in his voice gave him away. Lipwig swallowed hard. He didn't know what to say or even what he felt. Minutes passed before he spoke again.
"You won't even look at me, will you?"
The coach wheels clattered on the cobbles. Vetinari refused to answer.
"Look at me…Please, Havelock."
The words shattered the Patrician's weakened defenses. He fumbled as the mask of office crumbled to dust. He squeezed his eyes shut and sat very still.
Lipwig changed seats so he could be next to him. He still hadn't put his trousers on and he still didn't know what he was doing. He placed one of his hands on the older man's paralyzed shoulder. Havelock tried desperately to transform back into Lord Vetinari Patrician of Ankh-Morpork and resident tyrant. He failed so he decided to pretend.
"When I rescued Albert Spangler, I had little confidence in you," he said in an attempt to push him away.
"That's not helping your relationship with me."
Havelock couldn't suppress a fleeting regretful smile. He felt trapped in a small room where the only option was sincerity. It scared the hell out of him.
"At first I thought I was only envious. The people adore you. They recognize what you have done for them and they praise you for it. I watched you shine. You were flying."
Moist didn't comment. He merely listened. Havelock opened his eyes slowly, but still couldn't look at Lipwig.
"I realized that you had the potential to rise in power. I imagined a future where you used all your strength to overthrow me as Patrician. It took me some time to notice that the prospect excited me. You could truly be my equal, not by besting me in my own game, but by dazzling the right people. Your charisma could potentially destroy me." Hesitantly he turned his head to meet Lipwig's eyes. "I did not imagine I would ever have the opportunity even once…
There was someone else years ago. I let the chance pass me by. He was married before I could tell him. I cannot let that happen again. I am well aware that you love Miss Dearheart. I will not interfere, but if I stayed silent, I would deeply regret not telling you."
"You're right of course," said Lipwig biting his lip. "I do love Adora. She's beautiful, clever, incorruptible, resourceful, and diligent. She's mysterious and dangerous. She's tall, dark, and looks amazing in modest black clothing. She reveals nothing, but that only makes her attention all the sweeter when I hold it."
Havelock couldn't bear to look at him anymore, but Moist held his gaze with soft eyes.
"Did it ever occur to you that I love her because she reminds me of an angel?"
Struck speechless, Havelock was paralyzed in wide eyed disbelief. His breathing was quick and shallow. Moist leaned over and brushed his lips ever so softly on his cheek. Havelock gasped sharply. He pushed Moist away weakly.
"I will not let you toy with me like this," he said a bit more urgently than he intended.
"You said you wanted me. You said it didn't matter how."
Vetinari held onto the hem of Lipwig's shirt. He didn't answer. They were quiet. The bumps in the road bounced the carriage gently and they could hear the people outdoors going about their business. The ambient sounds of the city drew Vetinari back to reality. He looked at the door and imagined what was outside, what he would have to live in if he left now. He thought of what it would be like to return to his duties knowing he had been this close.
He felt Lipwig cup his hand over his cheek. And suddenly, it was not a game anymore. He wasn't playing because there never should have been a game to begin with. The fear crashed down on him.
"I cannot stop you," He said. "You have so much power over me. You own me."
Out of all the things Havelock imagined would happen, he didn't foresee what occurred next.
Lipwig scowled. He roughly grabbed Havelock's beard and tugged him forward. Their faces stopped inches from each other.
"Don't you dare say that again!"
"But—"
Lipwig glared at Havelock sternly. "You told me you wanted me to be your equal. Prove it." Lipwig glared at him briefly before letting go of his beard and relaxing his expression. "Kiss me."
Pure joy bloomed in Havelock's chest. He firmly hugged Moist and kissed him slowly at first but with growing intensity. A hidden spark leapt between them, a magnet that held their lips together. Havelock's tongue wrapped around Moist's and tugged, trying to keep the contact and forget his need for air. Eventually they split apart panting heavily.
"Help me take—off your clothes." Moist stammered breathlessly.
Havelock's nimble fingers hastily unbuttoned his robe of office. He watched Moist unfasten his trousers and felt a rush as Moist touched his cock directly for the first time. Havelock could not get his clothes off fast enough.
"I did ask you to blow me," said Moist, "but I think under the circumstances I'd rather do it."
Havelock let out a short constricted sound as Moist's mouth engulfed the tip of his cock.
"Wait, stop! I…" He groaned as Moist's tongue lapped against his skin. It took all of Havelock's self-control to stop him. "No, not like that. I want to see you. I want you to look at me."
Moist brushed his wet lips down Havelock's shaft and planted a kiss on his belly button.
"I might be able to do that. No promises though," he said as he left a trail of light kisses winding all the way up his chest. He playfully liked his nipple as he passed on his way to Havelock's collar. He lay on top of him and kissed his neck. He could feel his heart pulse under his lips. Havelock moaned and turned his head to let him freely lick the soft warm skin.
Moist licked his lower lip and Havelock opened his mouth eager to let him through. Moist took the invitation and kissed him passionately, hungry for every touch. He felt Havelock's hands slide down his back and grab his butt. He gasped for air then resumed the kiss. He twisted his fingers in Havelock's hair and caressed his pale shoulders. Moist's cock hardened between Havelock's legs.
"I want to fuck you so bad," said Moist.
"Sloppy Genuan grammar turns me off."
"I ain't gonna do what chu says."
"I hate you."
Havelock held him close. He kissed Moist's collarbone firmly and relentlessly licked the hollow at the base of his neck up to his adam's apple. Moist shivered. He hadn't expected it to feel so good. He tipped his head back and let Havelock suck at the surprisingly sensitive spot. He thought of the rumors about the Patrician being a vampire. The added risk thrilled him. Without warning, Havelock switched to Moist's nipples. He grunted in surprise.
Havelock's mouth pulled aggressively at his nipple. His tongue swirled around it as if impatient for it to get hard. Conversely, his nimble hands caressed his skin gently. He lovingly cradled his other nipple in the crook between his thumb and forefinger. He splayed out his fingers to teasingly brush the ticklish area near his armpit.
"Stop that," said Moist and he pinned his arm to his side.
Havelock grinned maliciously. "I do not need to do what you say."
He gently ran his hands down Moist's chest and snuck under his defending elbows to softly touch his sides. Moist clapped his hands down to stop him but Havelock's deceptively strong arms resisted him.
"Say it properly. I remind you that we are not in Genua. You should not speak so coarsely," said Havelock delicately brushing his hands up and down Moist's sensitive sides.
"I ain't gonna," he said with intentionally broken English.
Havelock forcefully wound his tongue around the outside of Moist's nipple making smaller and smaller circles until he reached the center. He bit it casually and started sucking hard. Moist made a sound like he was trying to stifle a hiccup.
"Say it. I cannot allow you to abuse innocent adverbs like that."
"No."
Havelock gave him a deep fierce kiss. He slid his hands down Moist's back to his ass. He locked his legs around him and slouched in the seat pushing his hips forward. Moist moaned and kissed him eagerly parting his lips to gain entrance into his mouth. He pressed his body firmly against Havelock's. His cock screamed in impatience.
"Say it," Havelock whispered breathlessly. His mouth only a centimeter away from Moist's waiting lips. He curved his arms around his thighs and stroked the soft skin on the inside. He hooked his feet around Moist's ankles and pulled his legs apart just enough to slip his fingers into the sloping pit under his cheeks. He pushed a long finger against his asshole. Moist gasped.
"I…"
Havelock smirked and waited.
"I want to fuck you so badly."
Satisfied, Havelock pushed his crotch past the edge of the seat. Moist gasped at the pressure then gasped again when Havelock did something unimaginable. He spread his legs submissively.
"Take me then."
Moist pulled his chest off of Havelock's and balked. "You would let me fuck you in the ass just because I added 'ly' to the end of my sentence?"
Havelock took both their dicks in his hand and stroked them up and down together. Moist curved his back and groaned at the sensation. He placed his hands on the back of the seat for support. Havelock gently squeezed Moist's butt with his free hand.
"I will let you because you asked so nicely." Havelock released Moist's cock and put his fingers in his mouth. He reached down and rubbed his own asshole. "There is something you must do first though."
Moist hesitated for only a second before positioning himself. On the way down, he briefly kissed Havelock's head and balls. He heard his breath catch and saw his dick twitch.
Moist smiled in satisfaction and strongly licked the seam that led to his hole. Havelock moaned and pulled Moist's head forward even before he reached it.
"Do… do that again. Harder this time."
Moist didn't really understand why. He had only intended the motion to communicate where he was going. It was what he would want if their roles were reversed. He didn't guess it would be a sensitive area.
He roughly licked the skin again. Havelock's breathing shuttered.
"Right there," he gasped.
Moist licked his thumb, pressed the spot, and lightly stroked his balls with his unoccupied fingers. He held it there as he lapped at his asshole. Havelock groaned loudly in the back of his throat and shifted his hips to a more accessible position. He spread his legs apart even more and propped his feet up on the opposite seat.
Moist licked the tight ring of muscles. Havelock tensed reflexively but quickly relaxed as much as he could. Moist dipped his tongue into the tiny hole. Havelock gasped and twitched. He tried to let him in but his muscles wouldn't obey. Moist used his free hand to stroke Havelock's cock. His asshole opened a bit more. Moist shoved his tongue inside as far as it could reach. Havelock shouted.
"Should I stop?"
"Hell, no!" Havelock panted.
Moist looked up at Havelock and gave him a cheeky grin.
"If you say so."
Moist licked him with increased determination. He circled his asshole with his fingers and thrust his tongue in and out. He pressed a finger inside and pulled just a tiny bit, only enough to give his tongue a miniscule space to work on. He wiggled his tongue and opened it for a second finger. He pushed them in all the way.
"Could you… mhhhh… maybe push up?" said Havelock.
Moist turned his hand and bent his fingers towards his cock. Havelock screamed in ecstasy and dug his nails into Moist's scalp. It hurt but the satisfaction of making the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork shriek was more than enough to compensate. Moist took the opportunity to insert a third finger.
"I want you to—"
Havelock didn't get a chance to finish before Moist's cock slipped inside him. He gasped and Moist moaned loudly. He pushed further causing Havelock to shudder.
"You feel amazing," Moist whispered barely able to get the words out.
Havelock panted and looked at him with eyes that told of the impossible.
"Fuck me Moist."
The bad pun passed unnoticed. Moist pulled back and thrust hard. Havelock moaned emphatically. He grasped his butt with one hand and took the back of Moist's neck in the other as he plunged into him. He kissed him wholeheartedly sucking and tugging at his tongue. Moist pounded his cock against Havelock's prostate sending jolts of intoxicating pleasure through him. His dick hardened as Havelock squeezed down.
"Faster—," Havelock commanded.
Moist quickened his thrusts happy to comply. He grasped Havelock's dick and pumped his hand up and down the shaft. His fingers slid over the tip. He drove his cock into Havelock's ass and the narrow space constricted around him.
"You're squeezing me so tight!" said Moist.
"Tightly."
"Bugger your grammar!"
Moist pulled out of Havelock and for a moment he panicked before Moist's thick cock lunged back in aggressively. Havelock shouted as he was rammed full length over and over.
"Give me more—"
Moist's lips silenced him. He plundered his mouth and pushed deep inside him. Havelock pulled apart gasping for air and moaned in satisfaction. Moist only gave him a second before he pressed on relentlessly. Havelock didn't resist. He brought his feet to the very edge of the opposite seat and pointed his toes in a desperate attempt to allow Moist to penetrate his ass even further.
Moist noticed the effort and picked up Havelock's legs. He thrust into him deeper delighting in Havelock's cries and pounding him roughly.
"Don't stop!"
"I can't stop! Your ass feels so good!"
Moist's arms were giving out. He didn't have the strength left to hold up Havelock's legs. As soon as he showed signs of lowering his arms, Havelock grabbed himself behind the knees and pulled them closer to his chest so Moist could still ram his thick cock deep into his ass.
Moist pushed Havelock's legs further forcing him to sink in the seat and raise his hips higher. Moist moved above him adding his weight to the force of his thrusts. Havelock's moans of ecstasy invigorated him and his dick grew harder. A tremor shook his cock each time he rubbed against Havelock's prostate. The slick tight texture was overwhelming.
"Oh gods, Havelock, you're amazing!"
Moist spread Havelock's legs apart further and pushed him down roughly. His ass pushed up to meet Moist's cock coming down. He moved further above him ramming his dick in with as much of his body weight as he dared. The change in position extended his reach deeper and he rammed his cock into him uncontrollably.
Moist hammered his dick into Havelock's ass and stirred him up inside. Havelock's tight walls wrapped around him in a wave of hot pleasure. Each thrust felt like paradise.
"It's so far… Squeeze me harder!" Moist shouted.
Havelock's narrow walls smothered his cock sucking and swallowing him up. Whenever he felt Havelock's ass constrict he shouted out in overpowering rapture. Moist's dick pulsed as he attacked Havelock's hot insides. He panted heavily, his body completely out of his control.
"You're so tight around me!"
"I'm going to come—" Havelock panted.
"Not yet!" Moist fought against climax. He longed to stay inside forever.
Though he had thought it impossible, Havelock's mind was entirely blank and all that existed was the electric pleasure that shot through him each time Moist's rock hard dick plunged inside him.
"I can't hold back!"
"You have… Oh gods!"
Havelock groaned loudly. Desire filled him. The maddening tension screamed for release.
"I… I love you, Havelock!"
The words tipped them both into euphoria. Havelock lost himself in the thrill. He came harder than he ever thought he could. His asshole swallowed Moist's cock tightly. It ravenously drank in his jet of cum and sucked out the very last drop. Flashes of pure bliss sparkled in his head as Moist pumped him a few more times to make absolutely sure that Havelock was satisfied.
Havelock tightened his muscles to draw out the last of his cum. He clamped his arms and legs around Moist locking them together. A smaller wave of intense pleasure shot through him and a shuddering moan escaped his lips. Despite Havelock's hold on him, Moist managed to draw back and thrust into him one last time.
"Wait, don't pull out yet. You are not going anywhere." Discerning as always, Vetinari called through the window. "Driver, take us to the palace stables. Stay close and make sure no one bothers us."
The coachman knew that there was an inescapably prominent chance that he would be dead by the end of the day.