Disclaimer: Me no own, all hail Joss and the such like

A/N: Well I haven't written a firefly fic before so give me a chance and hopefully it will pick up. I'm intending it to be a Mal/Simon even though it seems to be a Simon/Kaylee at first and will have hints of River/Kaylee.

Description: Simon's and Mal's POV (mostly) lots of Simon angst, thoughts and feelings, missing scenes from between the episodes and hopefully continuing after the end of the series. Set just after Jayne's town

Spoilers: Lets say the whole series is up for spoiling

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"What's so damn important about being proper anyhow, it don't mean nothing out here in the black"

Kaylee's words kept ringing through Simon's head as he attempted to sleep, maybe she was right, maybe it all meant nothing.

"It means more...It's all I have"

With a sigh, he rolled over. His arm was stinging with the fresh slice and all and he was sure the bruises were going to get bigger.

"Thought I'd let you watch as I mess up one of your boys....he ain't one of mine"

There was no love lost between him and Jayne but he hated to admit the words had stung a little even if he was saving his life. He didn't belong here and he couldn't go back to what he considered home so he settled for trying to make River happy, to keep her safe and secure...what happens when that stops being enough?...

Another frustrated sigh slipped past his lips and Simon sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, pushing the covers to the floor. Head in his hands he closed his eyes trying to block out....everything.

The feel of the bed under him

The vibration of Serenity's gentle humming

The sound of River screaming his name....wait

Simon bolted upright grabbing a sweater and hastily rammed it over his head running to Rivers room where she was shaking, crying and screaming on her bed. He immediately gathered her in a hug whispering soothing words in her ear, she struggled at first but eventually started to calm and just gazed at him sadly, then her eyes shifted to over his shoulder at the doorway, he turned to find most of the crew assembled, half-awake wondering what all the screaming was about

"I'm sorry" apologised Simon as he reached for a sedative to help River sleep again as he let go River started screaming again.

"Simon? Simon!"

"It's ok I'm here mei mei it's ok" he muttered while running a hand through her hair.

"Is she gonna be alright?" asked Kaylee from the doorway, he sighed and turned to face Kaylee, Mal, Book and Inara.

"I'll sedate her to try and keep her sleeping" he explained whilst turning back to River. As he reached to put the needle in her arm a pale thin hand encased his.

"Simon, there's too much pain you gave up everything for me, you found me broken, I'm sorry...I can't be fixed!" River exclaimed

"Don't make me choose," she whimpered burying her head in the crook of his neck.

"River what? I'm not gonna make you do anything you don't want to" he comforted as he slipped the needle into her arm and drugs flooded her system.

"You are, you hurt so much I hate you! I ruttin hate you!" she screamed as she struggled against his embrace before slumping into his arms and falling into the land of dreams....Simon just sat there stunned barely registering the intakes of shock from behind him.

And there it was the perfect ending to the most perfect fucking day of his life even his sister couldn't bear to be around him now.

With a tenderness he wasn't sure he was capable of at that moment he laid River back onto her bed and covered her with a blanket. He strode through the congregation of people. Mal grasped his shoulder intent on reassuring the young man but the extent of the pain in his turbulent blue eyes rendered him momentarily speechless which was enough time for Simon to shake loose his grip and mutter a goodnight before slamming the door of his quarters and lying back on his bed.

Kaylee stood opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish, shocked at Simon's outright rudeness considering what he'd said only earlier that day before scuttling off to bed.

Inara cast a sad look over the sleeping form of River before excusing herself and retreating to her shuttle.

"It appears that our River may not be the only one who is broken," said Book gently before giving the captain a knowing look and wandering off to his room.

Mal raised his hand intent to knock and talk with Simon but changed his mind, he slid the door to River's quarters shut with a sigh and wandered back to the mess where a lonely cup of coffee was sat waiting for him ignoring the tug of guilt at his heart.

Simon lay on his back staring at the ceiling.

"What's so damn important about being proper anyhow, it don't mean nothing out here in the black"

Simon groaned again as his thoughts did a complete circle returning to square one.

Perfect.

After an hour or so of tossing and turning Simon gave up on the illusion he was going to get any sleep and pulled on a few clothes that were laying scattered around his quarters and silently padded barefoot to the kitchen intent on a late night snack of protein.

"The perfect comfort food" he thought ironically, giving a small chuckle as he pictured Rivers look of disgust when it was first ever placed in front of her.

"Something funny Doc?" inquired a quiet voice from the enclosed seating area slightly hidden from the main kitchen area. Taking the freshly boiled water and making a cup of tea he rounded the table and sat quietly in front of Mal

"Sorry I was just thinking," replied Simon as he took a sip from the scolding liquid. A tilt of Mal's head in a silent question was the only response.

"About this...Space...you know" he explained waving his hands around

"Ah...Can be pretty terrifying knowing these walls are all that protects you from nothing" Mal sympathised. Simon gave a small laugh.

"Actually I was thinking about the food" he replied with a grin and Mal felt an answering one form on his face.

"Well I know it ain't 5 star or as fancy as what your used to but it fills a gap keeps you alive even if it don't look edible" Simon made a small noise in the back of his throat whether in agreement or not it was unclear.

Mal took the silence that followed as a chance to study the man in front of him taking note of the dark shadows under his eyes, the stitches that had been put in the side of his face the split lip and as he raised his mug to take a drink he glimpsed a white bandage peeking out of the sleeve of his jumper, raising his eyes back to Simon's face he was met by a pair of curious blue eyes. Slightly uncomfortable Mal cleared his throat.

"How's your arm?" he inquired. Simon raised an eyebrow fixing Mal with a suspicious look that made him squirm.

"Fine" came the curt reply. As Mal opened his mouth Simon stood.

"Thank you for the company captain but I think I should get some rest, goodnight"

And in the time it took to blink he was gone.

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Breakfast on Serenity the next morning was a heavy affair, Most of the crew having not slept well due to screaming fits, guilt and a general sense of unease, The only one who seemed refreshed was Inara but she always held herself with perfect poise anyway. Mal bit back a weary yawn as he pushed his mush round the plate.

"Would you stop screaming!!!" broke the silent revere all eyes turning to River.

"River what?..." gasped a shocked Simon as she glared accusingly at him.

"You're so rutting selfish! I can't listen to this!" she yelled throwing her plate towards him and running off. Mal watched as a shutter came down behind Simon's eyes blocking off all emotion as he quietly excused himself to follow his sister.

"Is it me or has she entered a whole new level of wacky?" asked Wash.

"Any luck and that prissy doctor might follow and we can ship them both off get us a hefty reward" replied Jayne as he polished off his plate glancing up as the silence became oppressive.

"What?" he asked bewildered as he received a glare from every quarter.

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Much as it heckled Zoe to admit it, life would be a whole lot simpler without the Tam's, of course each time she thought it she felt immediately guilty and was less intimidating around them for a couple of days.

"Ho ho ho look at this" came Wash's cheerful voice from Serenity's helm.

"What is it husband of mine?" asked Zoe as she moved to join him, peering over his shoulder at the cortex screen. Raising an eyebrow at the picture of the Tam siblings in front of her and continued to read the announcement under the image.

Reaching for the comm. Unit on the wall, Zoe's voice echoed through the ship.

"Captain, I think you should come look at this" A clatter of boots on the floor a few moments later and a warm presence behind her was all she got in greeting.

"Yeh soo, don't let Jayne see that" Mal commanded as he re-read the fresh arrest warrant.

"Yeah, I mean this reward is well into five figures we practically wouldn't have to steel anymore!" replied Wash enthusiastically. Receiving a glare from both his wife and his captain he cleared his throat.

"I'm gonna do pilot-y things..." he trailed off gesturing with his hands for them to leave. When the rustle of clothing grew distant he let out the breath he'd been holding.

"Another arrest warrant as if we don't have enough problems" Mal internally groused as he stalked through the ship. However the warrant drew another small factor to his attention, in a couple of days it was Simon's birthday and as he didn't care, he was currently obsessing over how much he didn't care and why.

"It's not as if I like him...sure he's useful but who ain't?" however the more rational side of his inner monologue didn't want to give up without a fight.

"You know it's much more than that, you like him...you said it yourself young, pretty, smooth hands..." And he was so not thinking about the ways he liked the good Doctor.

"From the moment he walked on your ship with his high class ways looking way older than he should you were drew to him...like a moth to a flame" So lost denying his own thoughts he didn't notice the subject of said conversation until he smashed right into him.

As Mal collided with him Simon felt his feet go from under him and he started to tip backwards, of course they had to be at the top of a set of stairs.

"Sure not like it could happen somewhere where I won't die" he thought.

Mal grabbed his arm to try and stop his rapid descent but the momentum Simon had already gained just pulled him down with him. Mal's chest collided with his and as his back and head hit the stairs, spots danced in front of his eyes and he felt himself rolling, a firm body on top of his, he vaguely noticed he'd stopped moving and registered the slide of something wet down the side of his face before darkness consumed him.

Mal groaned as he sat up, raising a shaky hand to his forehead as he blinked back the stars that danced in front of his eyes. It took a few more seconds to realise he was sprawled all over Simon and a couple more to realise he wasn't moving.

A clatter on the catwalk above drew his attention and he turned his head quickly instantaneously wishing he hadn't as stars once again danced across his vision and then focused on Inara's frozen expression of terror.

"Oh my god Simon?!" she gasped as she rushed down the stairs.

Only then did Mal take the time to look at the young doctor underneath him and noticed the closed eyes, pale pallor and the blood starting to pool under his head before he moved faster than he thought was humanly possible off the unconscious body. Kneeling next to him and placing figures at his neck he found a strong beating pulse.

"He's alive," he said glancing up to Inara's terrified brown eyes.

"Better get the Shepard and Jayne down here so we can get him to the infirmary" he ordered in his best captain's voice.

Inara rushed to the comm. Unit trying to maintain her calm as she called for Book and Jayne to get to the cargo bay immediately knowing she had failed to keep the panic and the tremors from her voice, and was hardly surprised when the whole crew started gathering to see what the commotion was.

Mal tilted Simon's head slightly to try and assess where the bleeding was coming from without moving him too much and causing an injury to his spine. He vaguely acknowledged Zoe squatting next to him as he stared at the blood now coating his hands.

"Oh my god Simon!" came Kaylee's teary voice as she rushed to his side.

"What the rutting hell happened?" asked Jayne as he and the preacher hurried down the stairs.

"Collided together like bowling balls, and took a tumble, a clumsy embrace" muttered River as she hung onto the door frame leading to the infirmary only the left half of her body showing as she leaned round the door frame.

"We need to get something flat to lift him on" Said Mal quickly focusing on the job at hand. And before he knew it Zoe and Wash had returned with a spinal board from the infirmary that he didn't even know they had. After a few minutes they managed to get Simon's prone form on the board without jostling him too much.

"On the count of three" said Mal as he, Zoe, Jayne and Book took up positions around the stretcher.

"One...two...three" he counted as they all lifted heading quickly to the infirmary a pale Wash, teary Kaylee and River following close behind.

Mal sat with a cold compress on the rapidly forming lump on the side of his head whilst watching Zoe and Book do the best they could with there limited medical knowledge. The cut on Simon's head was patched up after having to put a few stitches in, one of the downsides of having metal stairs. Mal knew from experience that head wounds bleed and hurt a lot. The patched it up and put a bandage on, then Book did his best to check for broken bones heaving a sigh of relief on finding none.

"Well apart from the cut on the head there's nothing we can do, he's defiantly going to be bruised and from the fact he's still unconscious he may have a concussion and we won't be able to tell if there's any damage to his spine until he wakes up" explained Book, the epitomy of professionalism.

Simon took this moment to groan and move a little before falling silent again.

"Then again he could be fine" Book corrected with a small smile.

"Due to concussion the patient should be allowed to rest but proceeded to be woken once every hour and asked simple questions to check there's no brain trauma" said River from the corner of the room where she had huddled herself.

"I'll stay and check up on him, little Kaylee you think you could keep an eye on River for me?" asked Mal, wincing at the pain the movement turning his head caused.

"Sure thing captain" she replied giving a little sniffle before taking River's arm and leading her towards her bunk.

Book clapped Mal on the shoulder as he walked past and Jayne gave a grunt as he followed presumable to go lift weights. Inara gently brushed the hair from Simon's forehead before fluttering away taking the smell of spices and incense with her. Wash looked curiously between his captain and Zoe before heading back to the helm leaving them alone together.

"Sir?" Zoe questioned quietly, Mal fixed her with a slightly unfocused gave.

"Whatever it is you should get it out in the open, don't need no-one getting kilt over it" she said matter of factly before leaving Mal with the unconscious younger man, questioning once again how the hell she always knew what was going on in his head.

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A/N: So whatcha all think? I love reviews...they make me happy...oh so happy