The Sexy Fanfic Of Godlyness

CHAPTER !

It was a beautiful morning. Birds were dying at the hand of Nay-Ru-Toe's addiction to crack, boys were being raped by Orochimaru while Orochimaru was raped by Kabuto. All was normal and peaceful….No. Scratch that. All was not peaceful. The Beautiful Villains Task Force Akatsuki were forced to leave their most sexy slumber and enter Tobi's magical playhouse. Everyone say in the their very own beanbag, for unknown reasons Wolfie sat in a jizz covered bean bag. It wasn't even hers. It was goddamn Tobi's. Tobi liked to jerk off in that particular chair. Anyway, Tobi stood in front of a black board and held three bananas and a pineapple with three holes.

"Ok kids! Today I'm gonna teach you how to have sex!" Tobi said in a childish, sultry tone. Tobi threw condom covered pineapples at everyone. "This pineapple represents a women. Notice that it has three holes. ONE. TWO. THREE. Count with me everyone!"

"TOBI! Hurry up and finish this shit. I need to get laid and eat my crack today." Kakuzu heckled oldly.

Tobi, feeling rushed by old wrinkly men, decided to skip the more educational parts of this important lesson. "The first hole on the side is the va-jay-jay. We shove this banana, which represent a dingly dong, into the va-jay-jay." He proceeded to ram the banana into the pineapple. Konan proceed to throw up at this disturbing display of weirdness. She then went into another room to take an hour long cherry colored piss.

"Now if you're feeling like a technophobia freak and are suffering from malnutrition, you may want to do this." Shoving another banana into the hole on the bottom of the pineapple, everyone gasped in horror and proceeded to drink their carbonated milk. Sasori screamed and fainted, while Kisame yelled, "Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you can't put that into a w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-woman like that! It's not natural!"

Everyone nodded their heads in agreement, of course they were all dumb and retarded so they didn't know that they were wrong. For whatever reason Tobi was the most sexually experienced of the Akatsuki and the only one to actually have sex. Kakuzu said he does, but nobody cares about him since he's old. So since the Akatsuki are going on a SPECIAL MISSION soon, this needed to be changed. Yes even Maya shall go on this mission.

"Now this hole down here is called the poo-poo hole. It's another place to stick you dingly dangly dong of doom. NICOLE!"
"Oh shit what am I doing?"
"You are going to squeeze this banana until it explodes inside the pineapple." Tobi placed the banana in the pineapple rectum in Nicole's hand. She looked at it wide eyed and screamed about apocalypses as she squeezed. When the banana exploded she threw it onto Kira and ran away to go take a shower in Kisame's coffin.
"Now what you just saw was an explosi-"
"LIKE ART!?"
"…no. It's not like art at all. It's like the socks you don't use to jerk off."
Deidara proceeded to run away crying and left to try and kick Nicole out of Kisame's show-offin.

"As I was saying, this explosion makes white stuff come out of the dong."
Kira raised a retarted hand and asked, "Like ice cream?"
Tobi gave her an alligator as a reward for being such a good student, "Yep! It even tastes like ice-"
"FUCKING BULLSHIT!" Hidan got up randomly and threw his carbonated milk down onto the giant mattress that had replaced the floor when no one was looking. He walked up and down the aisles of the classroom, and pulled out another carbonated milk. He shook rapidly near his crotch in a jerking off motion. "THAT'S IT. If anyone makes one jashindamn move I will fucking blow my milk load!"

Nicole, who had been kicked out of the coffin, decided this was the perfect moment to come back with a bowl of Frosted Flakes.
"HOLD YOUR GODDAMN TITS STILL DAMNIT." Hidan pointed the bottle at her and immediately Wolfie sprung into some form of action that can't really be explained. "Teddy bear I missed you!"

Wolfie waltzed with Itachi on Hidan's head, and once again Hidan was calm. He then sat down and proceeded to read The Ugly Barnacle. It was a long a serious novel about a barnacle that was extremely ugly. Tobi jammed another banana into a third hole on the pineapple in a huge fit of rage. This hole was on the top and everyone briefly died at this ghastly sight.

"EVERYONE. SIT THE LOLLIPOP DOWN." Tobi raged like a penis.

Everyone sat their asses in their desk, because the beanies can randomly change like that.
"Now this is what some people like to call "lollipop sucking". A woman, this pineapple, would put her chu-chu food train tunnel on the man's ding dong. There are many ways to suck a lollipop." Tobi pulled out a Rasberry tootsie roll pop and stuck it into his eyehole.
"OH GOD. It's possible to fuck eyes!?" Sasori screamed, and everyone went into a panic. Wolfie threw up and hid behind Sasori, Hidan almost accidently cut off his own wenis, Kakuzu and Nicole just sat there and dropped their spoons into their cereal bowls. Kira had woken up from her nap and walked out of the Akatsuki base entirely, Deidara was picking out his set of clothes for the next day which was really useless since he wore the exact same thing every day.

"Turn to page 1,555,555,555 kids. Can anyone tell me how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?"
Pein raised his hand. "2000 sir."
"Wrong."
"What? What!?" Pein stood up angrily. "No. Fuck you. Not only did I research this, I counted it. I goddamn counted how many licks I took."
"The answer was 25."
"BJFDSUCNEGIRCVMDC FUCK YOU."
Tobi smacked him upside the head with a ruler. "Bitch I'm running this class. Go sit in the corner and think about what you did."

Pein sat in a corner, lonely and sad as everyone threw paper balls at him. He proceeded to give himself plastic surgery, said surgery would be revealed in another chapter though.
"Ok. Now I want everyone to buddy up. We are going on a field trip! Except for Pein."

Everyone got with a random buddy. Wolfie with Sasori, Kira with Itachi the rapist and Gaara the dead dog, Nicole with Deidara, and Kakuzu with Kisame who was also old as hell. The rest of the buddies would be listed but the author is too lazy.