Neku opened the door and promptly slammed it shut again.
It caught on something inches before it could come to a complete close. Neku looked down, but there was no obstruction - no foot or hand or half of a body. "Go away." Neku demanded, keeping one hand pressed firm against the doorknob - just in case.
"Neku, please." Joshua said in that pleading tone of his Neku knew not to trust. It meant that Joshua wanted to use him to solve his own problems. It was never about Neku himself - it was always about Joshua. "Just let me in." For once there was something more to Joshua's request. It wasn't his voice that oozed smirk, nor was it the one that said I know something that you should but don't. It was something akin to honesty - as close to honesty as Joshua could be.
Neku shuddered, and then pressed his whole body weight against the door. "No, Josh." How could he expect Neku to just let him in? After Joshua had decided - out of his own boredom - that he could go bet on the fate of Shibuya. Not to mention shoot him. He killed him. Because he was bored. And now he could show up, unannounced, expecting to be let back into his life just like that?
Neku stood there, using his whole body to brace the door against his killer.
His ownfucking murderer.
Another shiver ran through his body. "What are you here for?" Neku asked quietly, wishing that his parents hadn't left for the weekend. He'd been looking forward to this - time alone - and now thishad happened. Joshua must have known. He must have been following him - watching him. Something.
"I just want to talk, Neku." Joshua never appeared to be impatient or desparate for anything, and his nonchalance just put Neku further on end. That feeling, however, contended with the curiosity that stemmed from the fact that Joshua sounded honest.
Neku shook his head, though Joshua couldn't see it. Or maybe he could? Joshua could be standing in front of him, for all he knew. Neku had his back against the door, eyes held shut, and he tried to tune out everything - including Josh. "About what?" Neku attempted to keep his voice from breaking on that but failed because Joshua had killed him and all that kept running through his head was looking down the barrel of his gun. Twice. Two fucking times. Joshua had proven that he couldn't care less about someone like him - Neku was a player in his game, that was all, and some random merciful feeling must have overcome him before he reduced Neku to nothing in their final game together.
What overtook him now? What had him standing on Neku's doorstep, asking to talk?
What did Joshua even stand to gain from talking to him? Nothing involving Joshua had, so far, been out of the pure goodness of his heart. There was always some ulterior motive, some secret agenda. Or was it just unfinished business? Was Joshua waiting out there with a gun, hoping to end what he had started?
"Neku." Joshua's voice was a low, intimate whisper. Neku kept his eyes closed, though there came a sudden pressure on his shoulder that made him start. Neku jumped back from the door, spying not the gun - as he had imagined - but a hand. Just a hand.
Now that the door was no longer held shut, Joshua pushed it gently open. "I came here tonight to talk to you." Joshua gently closed the door behind him and stood and waited. He did not wear his usual smirk, but a neutral expression - one that shifted slightly into concern when the blonde raked his eyes over Neku's frame.
"That doesn't answer my question." What did Joshua expect? For him to just come back to life and everything to be peachy? Neku didn't even want to leave his house - not for school, nor to see his friends (his real, true friends - the one positive he took from the Game) - not for anything. So what did Joshua do? Invade his privacy, that's what. Typical.
Neku watched, hypersensitive, picking up on each move Joshua made. Joshua frowned minutely, chewing lightly on the inside of his cheek. Neku had backed far enough away that his back now pressed against the bannister of the stairs, giving him an escape route if necessary. Upstairs wasn't the best place to go - probably the worst, in fact - but it was some measure of comfort.
"I came to apologise, Neku." Joshua dipped his head down to the ground, fringe falling to shade his eyes. He looked... humble, perhaps? Joshua, humble? Neku wanted to laugh at the very thought of it.
The words didn't dull the rapid beating of Neku's heart, which he was absolutely sure left an imprint against the inside of his chest. If nothing else, the pace increased. Joshua, here, apologising. Neku stared at him as if he suddenly grew a second head - or a sense of deceny. The latter would probably be more shocking.
Joshua stepped forward. Neku stepped back, despite the fact that the wooden pole dug further into his body. "Just leave me alone, Joshua." Neku mustered what strength remained - what he'd been starting to regain after the game ended - and put it all into one sentence.
He knew it wouldn't work, and maybe that's what he'd been hoping for.
"Playing with you, in that second week, Neku..." Joshua instead moved to lean against the stained glass panel beside the front door, keeping the distance Neku obviously desired. The redhead allowed himself to relax a fraction. "I came to know you. I saw you change." Joshua lifted up his head now, pinning Neku with his violet gaze. "You cared."
Despite himself, a flush crept up Neku's neck, playing on his cheeks. "Of course I cared." Neku snapped, now his turn to glare at the ground. "You were my partner." It had meant something then, when Neku had believed he and Josh were just two people fighting for their lives.
Joshua tipped his head to the side, and a smile turned his lips up - a real sort of smile. "And you're meant to trust your partner, right?"
Neku got that sinking feeling, like he was just playing into one of Joshua's traps. But - like always - he had no where else to turn. "Yeah." He answered to the floorboards in his entry, no longer feeling confident enough to face the person - the being - before him. "So what?"
"So," Joshua dragged the word out, a sing-song lilt to the single syllable, "do you trust me?" He pressed, stepping away from the doorway. Neku did not retreat as before, but he didn't go running towards Joshua, either.
Neku managed to swallow - barely. Did he trust Joshua? That was something he asked himself at night, when he didn't want to admit he was thinking about the other male. When it came down to it, Joshua scared him. He killed him with no hesitation, and it was only some strange twist of fate that saw Neku live past Joshua's second attempt. "Do I trust you?" It all came out on an exhale, breathy and snatched away in the distance between them. "How could I trust you? You killed me, Josh."
"It was for the best." Joshua said mysteriously, the sound of his shoes against the floor almost drowning out his words. "You see that, now, don't you?"
Neku winced. Joshua came to stop in front of him. There were places to go, but Neku felt cornered. Not physically, but... emotionally. It was like everything he had suppressed since coming back was all suddenly pressing at the fore of his mind. All the hurt and betrayal that he had felt at the hands of Joshua - and then the fact that he had lost a friend, someone he had trusted. Someone he had thought would give up his own life for him.
"So you've apologised. Is that all you came to say?" Neku decided to avoid what Joshua had bought up, words coming out in a rush. Right now the best option Neku could come up with way to run upstairs into his room and refuse to leave for the whole , when his parents got back, he could pretend he was just as normal as he'd been when they'd left.
But he hadn't been normal for a long time. He hadn't felt normal since he'd been in the Game... when he hadn't known what Joshua had done. He'd been fighting for his life, but it felt like something mattered - like he had something to fight for. He'd been fighting to win Shiki back, and he'd been fighting to ensure Joshua's sacrifice was not in vain.
He'd had a dream and a goal, and now it just felt like life was some meaningless lead up to death.
"Not really." Joshua did not speak much above a whisper, but he didn't have to. Neku hadn't noticed him come so close until they now stood face to face - past partners, and now what?
Joshua reached forward, thin fingers extended, to nudge Neku's chin up. The redhead immediately snapped his head back, glaring at the offending hand, hovering now before his face. It was raised, face up, in a surrender. "What do you think you're doing?" Neku snapped, and Joshua's smile grew.
"I missed you, that's all." It was another ambiguous statement - Neku didn't know what to make of it. Missed him? For what, target practice? For pissing off every single second of every day?
Neku shook his head. "What -" He had been partway through asking Joshua again for some clarification (maybe if he just said what he meant, they wouldn't have this problem), when his question was cut short.
Joshua had bought his hand up again, resting it this time lightly against Neku's cheek. It was the faintest of touches, but Neku could feel the outline of his hand tingling against his skin, even after Joshua pulled away. What remained most was the feeling on his lips. Joshua might have been a good kisser, Neku didn't pay much attention. He was consumed with the fact that Joshua had actually justkissedhim, and Neku couldn't figure out why. What did he stand to gain? Was this just another game? Like all things with Joshua, finding his motive was like finding a needle in a haystack.
"I just came here to tell you that I'm sorry." Joshua said, body lingering close-by. Neku was close enough that he could see the range of colours in his eyes, and - for once - there was no guarded look there. His eyes were open and truthful. Almost pleading for something. "I missed you, Neku." One of Joshua's hands dropped down to rest on Neku's hip. The touch felt like a live shock. "I used to watch you visit Sanae's murals all the time, and... all I wanted was to make you open up and realise what your life was truly worth."
Neku was silent. No words came, and if he opened his mouth he'd just look like an idiot, something Joshua would certainly pick up on.
They remained in silence for a while. Neku should have been feeling uncomfortable with a lump of wood stuck into his back, but he was too busy focusing on the feel of Joshua's hand on his hip. He was frozen in place. Although there was no force behind Joshua's grip it possessed a power of its own.
At last, Neku let out a long breath. "So... here we are." He said to clear the uncomfortable air, more for his own benefit than Joshua's.
The blonde in question gave a curious hum, tilting his head to the side, urging Neku to continue.
"I don't forgive you." Neku said, and he felt the hand tighten on his hip - saw the brief flash of shock in Joshua's eyes. Neku couldn't pinpoint exactly why it hurt so much to see that. "But I will... one day." It was a huge promise to make, that he could some day forgive Joshua for all his misdeeds. But all of a sudden, everything just started making sense again. Things had been fine with Shiki, Beat and Rhyme, but there was that one missing element: Joshua.
"I do trust you, though." And that confession felt like throwing himself off of the top of a very tall building. It felt like years ago he had been standing there, barricading his door against the person who had killed him. Now he was standing in his arms, admitting that he trusted him after everything he had done.
Neku knew that none of it made sense, but he figured Joshua might be the one person to put it all in perspective.