Recently I was exploring the epicness of Trading Yesterday on YouTube and found a song by them, entitled She Is The Sunlight. Um… Yukiru much? I was ecstatic and knew I was going to write a songfic for it no matter what the lyrics happened to be. Once I actually heard the song I almost cried. It fit so well! And it uses one of my favorite Yukiru metaphors that I'm so fond of! I suggest you listen to the song, and I hope you enjoy this songfic! I love writing these, by the way. I think they're really fun and meaningful.
Note: One lyric ('Cause if right is leaving, I'd rather be wrong) confused me, although it shouldn't have. I ended reading it as, "Although the right thing is for me to leave, I'd rather do the wrong thing and stay." Just keep that in mind. I don't want any of you confused!
Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket or She Is The Sunlight. All rights go to Natsuki Takaya and Trading Yesterday.
And if all the flowers faded away
And if all the stormclouds decided to stay
Then you would find me, each hour the same
She is tomorrow and I am today
'Cause if right is leaving, I'd rather be wrong
She is the sunlight, the sun is gone
OoOoO
He could see it. Yuki had noticed something recently. Something that tore at his heart in a way he couldn't stop. He wanted to force it to and rescue himself from the pain. But he couldn't.
Tohru began dishing out the food she'd prepared for supper, handing each of them their meal and Yuki noticed the tint in her cheeks when she handed Kyo his. She'd always blushed at trivial things, but this was different. Yuki had a feeling it was the same reason he could feel his face flush a little whenever he did something for Tohru, or when she said something kind to him.
Yuki looked away, focusing on making his chopsticks lay perfectly parallel with the table edge.
"Itadakimasu," the others said, making Yuki look up. He mumbled the word and quickly began eating, hoping no one had noticed his lateness. Looking up he saw Shigure humming something, Kyo scowling at no one in particular, and Tohru still blushing.
Yuki looked back down. No one had noticed. And it hurt.
OoOoO
On the way to school the following day, Tohru wouldn't stop apologizing to Kyo. "I'm sorry, Kyo-kun! I'm sorry!" Earlier that morning, she'd accidentally spilled tea on one of his school notebooks. It had only been a few drops, but she didn't seem to care how much it had been.
Yuki hung back, once again noticing her flushed cheeks, and watching their interactions. It sent another pang through his heart and the weight of the pain in his heart increased, dragging him farther down into the despair.
"Look," Kyo said, "Just… forget about it, okay? It doesn't even matter." And then he took her hand, making her blush even deeper, and pulled her forward a little to pick up a faster pace.
More than anything, Yuki wanted to take her other hand. They'd walked that way before; holding her hand was still one of the memories he'd look back on and smile over. But now, he could tell that there wasn't room for him on her other side.
And that, without him there, she was trying to hide a smile and failing. Yuki could never dream of being able to make her smile like that. Why couldn't he be the one?
He'd always wanted to have the things that Kyo had; he'd always been jealous. Jealous that Kyo had all the things he'd been denied over and over again as a child. Angry that he was so stupid to not see the worth of them.
Tohru's affection and the ability to make her smile were only two more things added to that list.
Did he even realize? Was he too stupid to realize what a gift those things were?
All the same, he knew that it would be better if he didn't interfere. It would be better if he let go of his feelings for her. If he distanced himself just a little he could eventually completely step away.
OoOoO
And if loving her is heartache for me
And if holding her means that I have to bleed
Then I am the martyr, love is to blame
She is the healing, and I am the pain
She lives in a daydream where I don't belong
She is the sunlight, and the sun is gone
OoOoO
"Yuki-kun," Tohru came up to him, her bento in hand. "Uo-chan and Hana-chan thought we should eat lunch under the tree today. Do you want to join us?"
Yuki glanced out the window. Kyo, Uotani, and Hanajima were already outside. Uo and Kyo appeared to be arguing over something. It looked wonderful and he wanted to join them, but he had create that slight distance. Letting her go was something he had to do.
"That's all right, Honda-san. I'm actually skipping lunch today. There's some work I have to get done in the council room."
"Oh." Tohru's face fell a little.
"You can go ahead without me." With a small wave of his hand, he headed off to the council room. Walking away from her was of the hardest things he'd ever done.
Yuki sat down in the council room to eat his lunch alone, trying not to think about the laughter and company of friends he could otherwise be enjoying.
"Itadakimasu," he said quietly, before starting to eat the bento Tohru had prepared him. He hardly noticed the taste, his thoughts filled with what could be happening under the tree in the courtyard outside.
Suddenly, the door slammed open and Kakeru came in balancing a cardboard box and whistling a song.
"Yun-Yun!" Kakeru set down his box. "What're you doing in here all by yourself?"
"I'm eating lunch, unless you couldn't tell."
"Aww, but you look so depressed." Kakeru sat down next to him, tilting the chair onto its back legs.
Yuki didn't think that needed an answer and reached into his bento for the next item. But when he saw the cat-shaped onigiri, he knew he wasn't going to eat them. "Do you want my onigiri? I won't eat them."
"You do care about me, Yun-Yun! I'm touched, I really am." Kakeru picked up the first one and took a bite. "These are good. Who made them?"
"Honda-san," Yuki answered, wondering if she had even thought before shaping them into cats.
Kakeru must have seen something in his facial expression, because he sat up, looking concerned. "Are you okay? Is something going on?"
"It doesn't matter anymore. I've got it worked out." Yuki slid the rest of his bento over to him. "Here. You finish it. I'm not very hungry today."
Kakeru didn't give up easily, though. "Smile button!" he proclaimed, poking Yuki's forehead.
Yuki stared at him blankly.
"No?" Kakeru settled back in his chair. "Well, if you want to talk you can, you know. I'll listen."
And as comforting a thought as it was, Yuki didn't think it would do any good.
OoOoO
And it will take a life of regret
For my heart to learn to forget
Tomorrow will be as it always has been
And I will fall to her again
For I know, I have to learn
For if right is leaving, I would rather be wrong
Because she is the sunlight, and the sun is gone
OoOoO
He'd lost her. Yuki closed his eyes, trying to block out the pain of that one thought, but all he saw was her smile imprinted into memory. She was in a place he could never follow her into. She'd already unconsciously made her decision and didn't even realize it herself yet. He could ever gain her back.
Had he ever even had her in the first place? Even the smallest piece of her? She was his haven, his constant, his light, his heart, and his hope. But had he ever, even once, been hers? She had all of him if she even asked; he'd already made himself hers. The question was if she realized it or wanted him.
He had to live the knowledge that in all likelihood, she'd never even realize. He could only regret that he hadn't done more, shown her more affection, and perhaps been given hers in return. Those things were long gone now. He only had this weight of regret wrapping around his heart.
He needed to forget and move on from her. Forget the emotions burning inside that he could never dream of actually giving to her.
But some small part of him knew that he wouldn't. Every day would be just like the last; a struggle to hold back and then the pain of simply standing by while she fell in love with someone else.
"Let me forget. Please, let me forget."
OoOoO
Yuki stood, staring out into the night sky with his mind and heart colliding in confusion after what Akito had told him. He didn't know why Akito had come to the summer house, but what he had said ricocheted through Yuki's mind, repeating and echoing the words over and over again as they warred with what his heart told him.
I know what you see in her.
He felt sick, and tried to push the words away. "No, you don't," he whispered. "You can't possibly know."
I know what you were looking for.
"You can't. You don't. It's all a lie."
You were looking for a mother in her.
Yuki couldn't help but revert to old habits and grasp at his ears. He didn't want to hear it! "Just go away! I wasn't. I love her."
I know… what you see… what you're looking for…
No.
A mother.
Yuki sank down to sit on a nearby rock. It wasn't true. Maybe it was partly, but a mother wasn't the only thing he looked to Tohru for. He wanted to be loved by in the same way she loved Kyo. But that couldn't happen, and he already knew that.
So what then? What could he do?
If he accepted all of his feelings as a desire for a mother, would it help? Would that heal his sad excuse for a heart?
That was the lid he'd kept sealed so tightly shut. He'd sealed away his feelings for her because there had been nowhere else to put them. He hadn't known what to do with them but now if he opened that lid and attempted to accept them as something they weren't, perhaps he could change them.
It was the only option. Tohru had always been his light in the life he'd been told would always be darkness. He couldn't let himself give up that light, so he would have to change enough so that the light could be where it wanted to be, but he could also be there. He could still stand in Tohru's light if he looked at her as a mother figure only.
She was precious to him, he couldn't let her go that easily.
OoOoO
'Cause if right is leaving, I'd rather be wrong
She is the sunlight, the sun is gone
Thoughts? Hey, I wrote about Kakeru for the first time. What'd you think of him? Did you think the song fit? How about the last portion with the whole Akito/mother-figure thing? Please tell me in a review! I'd truly appreciate it!
EDIT: My word processor is weird and thefontlookedlikethis. It's fixed now.