I can truthfully say I have no idea when things became unbearable. I do know that I let myself get bad for much too long, and that the rest of my life will be permanently affected by this mistake. I refused the help I knew I needed in order to save myself. My pride was my own downfall.
The doctors say that maybe writing my story might help me. They told me to start my story around the time that things started taking a turn for the worst, which was my freshman year of high school. I'm Maya Matlin, and this is the story of my fall, and almost my destruction.
I started high school with a miserable outlook on everything that had to do with the place. It wasn't fair that I had to attend Degrassi. Regular school was above me. I belonged at an arts school. However, my sister Katie told me that no, I couldn't do that, because our parents couldn't afford such an expense. So, I trucked along to my first day of high school, already hating everything about it.
Things weren't so bad for the first few months, because I actually managed to make some friends. Maya, Tristan, Tori, and Zig were names that many people envied. It was weird, since I had never really had close friends before, but who am I to complain? There's definitely never anything to complain about when friends are involved. Or so I thought.
A few months into the year, there was news that a male hockey team would be coming to Canada all the way from the states, in order to be in the sport's capitol nation. Many people were ecstatic about this, but I honestly could not care less. What did it matter to me if twenty more jocks roamed our halls? Still, the whole school had hyped up their arrival that, the day before they were scheduled to come, even I began to get a little excited. Like I said, twenty jocks didn't really matter to me, but twenty cute boys were always a plus. They'd shown us videos, since the boys were basically a famous team, and I must say most of them were really good looking. Although they were all good looking, the youngest one, Cam, definitely caught my eye. Why wouldn't he? He was cute, and clearly the best player on the team.
When I walked into French the day after the boys arrived, I was shocked to see the face of Cam Saunders. It was a freshman class, so I didn't understand why he would be in there. I felt bad, thinking maybe he had been lost, so I walked over to him. "Um, excuse me? I don't mean to be rude, but I think you're in the wrong place. You see, this is the freshman French class, not the sophomore one. I don't know where you're supposed to be right now, but I'd be glad to help you find your way if you're lost!" I said this to him cheerfully, hoping that he wouldn't be annoyed someone like me was talking to someone like him. To my delight, it was exactly the opposite. He flashed me a smile, and replied, "Actually, over in the States, I was taking Spanish instead of French. But, considering they don't teach that here, they put me in the freshman French class, so I could start as a beginner just like all of you."
This, of course, made sense, and I felt stupid for even thinking someone like Cam Saunders wouldn't know where he was supposed to be. I took my seat, trying not to let all of the blood rush to my face, like it always did when I would get embarrassed. The boy I had my eye on probably already thought that I was an idiot. There's no way I had any chance with him now. Not that I ever had any chance in the first place, but there had always been a small part of me that hoped.
After the class ended, I tried to rush straight out of the room, avoiding Cam's gaze. This, of course, caused me to run right into him, and both of our books went flying out of our hands. I rushed to pick them up, and smiled shyly at him, "I'm really sorry, I'm not usually so stupid or klutzy. I guess having a famous hockey player around makes me nervous." After saying this, my mind was going crazy, because obviously he thought I was stalking him, and he was probably so weirded out.
"Don't worry about it." He said, shaking his head. I found it weird how friendly he seemed to be. My sister always warned me that jocks were all assholes who only wanted sex, but from the brief conversations I had with Cam, he didn't seem like this at all. "You're not the only one who's clumsy, that's the second time that's happened to me today, actually. You can't just blame yourself." He spoke in a light, playful tone, which, again surprised me. He barely knew me, and yet he was already comfortable enough to speak with such humor. I smiled at him. "Well thank you very much. I'm Maya. Maya Matlin." I said, and held my hand out in order for him to shake it. He took my hand in his, and shook it, "I'm Campbell Saunders, but please, just call me Cam." Another award winning smile was flashed my way after he said this, and I smiled back, happy that he at least seemed open to the idea of friendship.
I did not know that this friendship would lead to more than just a friendship. And I definitely did not know that this relationship would cause me to sink. I did not know this introduction would be the very first chapter of my downfall.