Warrior
By theangel1710
When the world comes close to resembling a graveyard rather than its true beauty, when the reason to live slowly fades away, it's best to have someone whom you know would stick by you no matter what, and love you just the way you are.
.~.
Allen Walker is a warrior. A warrior who fights not only for the sake of humanity and the world they live in, but also for the souls who are bound to follow the order of someone who knew nothing but murder. He was a warrior who, until the very end, would fight together with his friends to protect the place they had come to know as home. He was a warrior who lost his place on the front line many times because of death and yet still returned for the small sparks of light that was his reason for living.
He was a warrior who fought those who tainted the purity of the world and of the souls who wanted nothing more than to rest in peace. Indeed, he was strong. Yet, inside the warrior that everyone saw he was Allen Walker was a 17-year-old boy who deserved a break from the rotten luck he seemed to have ever since he was born.
After all, even if the world turned upside down, Allen Walker will always be just a boy who was destined to carry the burden of the world.
.~.
Allen pressed a gloved hand on his mouth, trying his best to suppress the lunch that was making its way up his throat. His body seemed to have the knack of embracing things that endangered him. Now, he wished that he just kept walking instead of turning his body to the source of the loud, rumbling sound. Upon seeing a part of the house collapse to the ground, he hurried back to the scene hoping to see someone who was still alive. Instead, before he could go in the house, its occupants greeted him as soon as he was near.
Frozen to the spot, Allen could do nothing but stare at the scene that seemed to scream at him; as if saying that this was his fault. He could barely make out the family's faces. They were burnt but not enough to send their bodies to ashes. It was a horrid sight indeed; a nightmare that found itself a place in reality. Closing his eyes and dropping his hand, Allen gulped forcing the food back to where it should be. He took a minute of his time to compose his aching heart and tired soul. And then with one last statement, he locked up everything he was feeling and instead put the composed mask back on.
'I'm sorry I was late.' He was grateful when the finder beside him laid a hand on his shoulder and gently turned his body away from the tortured family. His lids fluttered open revealing silver-gray orbs tightly in control. And then turning to his side, he offered the finder a smile.
"Thank you, Toma." said Allen. Toma's hand dropped from his shoulder and settled on analyzing the exorcist's face.
"Are you alright, Wlaker-dono?" he asked, uncertain. For the tiniest bit, Toma knew his control wavered, even so, Allen's smile widened.
"Yes, thank you." Eyes dropped to the ground and the reassuring smile became a sad one. "But I do wish we made it in time." he continued as he stared at the Innocence he had managed to recover in the expense of many lives. Allen resisted the urge to throw it away.
"Indeed." replied Toma. Allen's eyes lifted. He suddenly had the desire to go back to the Order. After all, it was his home.
"Let's go home."
And he walked away without glancing back to the town that was now history.
.~.
Allen silently made his way to his room after he ate his dinner. Usually, he would wait for Lenalee and the others to come and eat with him but today was a different case. He was not in the mood to laugh and talk about happy things especially when he just came back from a bad mission.
He sighed when the thought of nightmares occurred to him. This was one of the reasons he didn't like having bad missions. His nightmares were always ruthless; pigments of the worst possible outcomes would gather in one horrible nightmare.
Allen halted when he heard muffled sobs down the hallway. Curious and thinking he can help, he slowly walked to the sound. The crying came from a finder and Allen saw that he was with another. The other finder was comforting his companion. It appeared that they had lost one of their comrades who was very close to the crying finder. Allen felt a tinge of pain.
"Hold yourself together. We're in a war, Vin. We need to be strong." He heard the finder say. Then with obvious effort, Vin tried to compose his sorrow-stricken face. Allen felt helpless. Silently, he continued on as he envied the finder. At least he had someone to help him.
Sometimes he wondered what it would be like if he had someone whom he can share his pains with. Lenalee had Komui even though her brother always acted like an idiot. But Lenalee had someone, a reason, to come back home. Lavi had Kanda though they were mostly quiet when one of them came from a bad mission. But the other's company was already enough. Miranda and Krory even shared their problems and served as the guardians of those younger than them.
As Allen entered his room, he felt more alone than ever. Of course, Lavi and the others would listen. But he needed someone who could listen and someone who would want to understand; someone who would be willing to share his pain.
Allen sighed as he hung his exorcist uniform back to his wardrobe and changed into a pair of slacks and a white shirt. He felt tired and all he wanted to do now is rest. He threw himself to bed and then, as if he wished to never wake up, Allen closed his eyes easily slipping in to unconsciousness.
.~.
"Eh? Where's Allen? I thought he was due to come back today?" said Lavi, surprised to see their usual table empty. He was with Kanda and Lenalee since Krory and Miranda was out on a mission. Usually, they met up with Allen to welcome him back home and they would chat about as Allen ate his mountain of food. Lavi and Kanda went to seat down and eat while Lenalee asked Jerry about Allen.
"Ahh, Lenalee, what would it be tonight?" asked Jerry, enthusiastic as ever. Lenalee smiled.
"Just tea would be nice. Ne, Jerry? Was Allen-kun here a while ago?" asked Lenalee. Jerry's mood seemed to drop a bit.
"Allen-kun? Yes, he was here half an hour ago. Is something wrong with him?" Lenalee raised an eyebrow.
"I don't really know. He wasn't here when we came. Why?"
"He ordered a double extra large meal. Usually it's just extra large." Then he sighed. "Well, Allen-kun's strong, he'll be fine." he said as he handed Lenalee her tea.
"Thank you." said Lenalee as she made her way to Lavi and Kanda. Lavi looked up from his soup while Kanda continued eating his soba.
"How'd it go?" asked Lavi. "Is he alive?" he added jokingly. Lenalee glared at him. She was really bothered about Allen's absence.
"He was here and Jerry said he ordered more than what he usually did." said Lenalee. "I wonder what's wrong." They knew Allen ordered twice as much as he usually does when he was upset.
"He was probably dumped by a girl. Or his hair was dyed black." said Lavi laughing at the Allen with black hair. Before Lenalee could say anything however, she was stunned when Lavi turned dead serious. He and Kanda put down their chopsticks. The atmosphere around them instantly became heavy.
"Allen's suffering again. I heard Komui tell Reever that Allen just came back from a terrible mission. Of course, he went home with the Innocence but in turn. . ." Lavi's voice trailed off. He didn't need to tell them everything since he knew that they knew what happened next. Lenalee stared hard on her tea.
"Tch. Baka Moyashi." said Kanda. Lavi and Lenalee knew that Kanda wasn't good at expressing what he felt but they knew that Kanda was affected by this just as much they were.
"But why wouldn't Allen-kun tell us?" said Lenalee mostly to herself. Lavi chose to answer.
"Because he didn't want to worry us. He keeps his pain to himself and finds a way to deal with it. Besides, we wouldn't be able to understand." said Lavi.
"I know that he carries a burden we do not understand. But still. . ." Lenalee tightened her hold on the cup. She knew how painful it was to be alone without anyone to share their pain with.
"Ironic, isn't it?" said Lavi, laughing humorlessly. "Tomorrow morning, he'd march in here with a wide smile on his face like he just won in the lottery. It's probably the only thing he knew would keep his tears behind his eyes." True. No matter how sad Alllen can be, the next day he would come with a big, fake smile plastered on his face, order a mountain of food and chat 'happily' with them.
Lenalee's bangs covered her eyes as she tried to keep control over herself. Her heart clenched and her breath hitched. She felt like crying for him; felt like his pain was reaching out to her, as if calling her. Lavi and Kanda resumed eating. An eerie silence settled over them.
"Ano, Kanda-san and Lavi-san? Chief Komui's calling for you. He says you've got a mission." said Goz, a finder.
"Oh, Yu! You hear that? WE got a mission!" said Lavi who was suddenly excited. He intended to hug him but was stopped when he found Kanda's chopsticks right in his nose.
"Shut up." he said coolly as Lavi tried to get the chopsticks out. Once he did, he and Kanda stood and turned to Lenalee.
"See you, Lenalee." said Lavi. Lenalee gave them a smile.
"Be careful. Don't annoy Kanda too much, Lavi. And Kanda, try not to kill Lavi." she said bidding them farewell. "Come back home."
"Hai, Hai!" Lavi said as he dragged an irritated Kanda with him. Lenalee giggled at their retreating forms. And then she stood up and walked determinedly to her destination:
Allen.
.~.
"Lenalee!" Allen screamed as loud as he can when he saw her fall to the ground. The place was littered with dead bodies and the air smelled like blood. Allen pushed his legs to their limit as he ran to where Lenalee was.
"Lenalee?" said Allen taking her body in his arms. She wasn't in a good condition and judging from her pale face, she had lost a lot of blood. Allen wasn't any better. His body ached all over and his arms looked like they were the container for a collection of red lines.
Lenalee lifted her hand to his face, wiping the tears that came gushing down his face. He cradled her body closer afraid to let her go.
"Allen-kun." she whispered, her voice barely audible.
"Don't talk, Lenalee. They'll be here soon. You're going to be fine. Stay with me." said Allen. Desperate as he was, he knew he couldn't cheat Death. Lenalee smiled. And Allen could only cry harder. It was his fault she was like this; his fault Lavi and the others are now gone. If only he was strong enough to keep the fourteenth inside, to keep it from coming out then he wouldn't have hurt them.
"I'm glad. . .you're back." said Lenalee, fighting to keep her eyes open. But she was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of living.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Lenalee." Allen said, rocking her body back and forth, his body trembling with sobs. He hated it. He hated being weak. He hated himself.
"Don't be. It wasn't your fault, Allen-kun." His name rolled off her tongue as if it was a charm, a lullaby made to soothe his soul. But his soul was long gone.
"Be happy for me." said Lenalee. And before Allen could do or say anything, her eyes closed one last time. Nobody knew how long he stayed crying and when he did stop, Allen carried Lenalee's body back home. He was out of tears. He was supposed to be the one who died not his friends. Not Lenalee.
And then, Allen raised his left hand, meaning to plunge it to his heart. But then his hand reflected his friends' faces. Lavi, Kanda, Krory, Miranda and Lenalee. Each of his fingers covered in their blood. He was not human, nor a demon.
He was a murderer.
Allen woke up with a gasp. Every inch of his body was covered in sweat and his eyes were full of tears. He had been crying. But thankfully, he found himself in his room and not in a battlefield with Lenalee's body in his arms. Allen sighed in relief. His nightmare had been so real; he could still feel the pain of losing everyone. Losing her.
Allen stood up, wiping his face with a towel. Then, deciding that it was best not to sleep, Allen went out to the balcony to stare at the brilliant night sky. The stars were smiling down at him as if trying to cheer him up. As he lost himself to the view, Allen wondered how nice it would be to be up there; to get away from the pain.
Allen stared at his left hand, which was rough with Innocence. He wondered what it would be like to have a normal hand instead, without any Innocence and the world lived in peace. He wondered what it would be like if there were no demons, no Innocence, and no Earl. The world could have been created in so many other ways and yet, here it was, constantly in a war where everyone can die in an instant. And it just happened to be that he was alive to protect every single one of everyone.
And then, just as his master told him, he happened to pass by where the dying fourteenth was. The next thing he knew, he was the host necessary for a traitor Noah to be revived. Of all things, it just had to be a Noah. He had rotten luck. And very rotten indeed.
But fate was kind enough to grant him a home where he was welcome to go back. He was lucky enough to experience love.
Oh. Joy.
Here he was, the destined destroy of time, falling in love. He suppressed the urge to let out a bitter laugh. For who would love someone like him? He would just die on her, leaving her hurt and broken. And that was the last thing he ever wanted to make her feel.
His heart felt like it was already falling apart into pieces by just imagining her face covered in tears. Lenalee deserved someone better than him. Allen loved her only too much and more than enough that he was willing to let her go; to let her find someone other than him. But he knew no matter what, he will love her always and forever. Maybe he was strong enough to stay away from her; to not let the darkness he carried reach her.
Even so, he knew he'd come running back to her when she called him. No matter how far they were from each other, he'd climb every mountain; swim the deepest seas, just for her. Allen knew that he'd fallen too deep. But should the time come when she did indeed call for him, there was nothing in this world that would stop him from coming. Not even death.
'I sound like a crazy man.' And even if he did sound like a crazy man or a lovesick teen, he would still do anything just to make her happy.
And so, the Destroyer fell in love with the Princess. He was stupid. And she . . . was beautiful.
Allen sighed.
"What am I thinking?" he said, his silver-gray eyes grayer then ever. As Bak said, his very existence was a demon-fighting weapon. And a weapon doesn't feel. He felt so heavy inside; he thought that he was going to drown. Once again, he stared at the night sky, his arms lifelessly by his side. To someone who didn't know him, Allen looked like a lost boy who was yearning for a home.
Allen didn't notice that someone was else was in the room until the person spoke.
"Allen-kun?" said a voice that was so familiar to him. He instantly turned around and found Lenalee by the door, standing there as if she was guilty for barging into someone's room.
"L – Lenalee!" he managed to stutter out. For a minute he forgot about his mood and offered her the best smile he could give her in his current state. He ushered her in, silently closing the door behind her. Quietly, he took a deep breath to compose himself. However, all this flew out the window when he turned to look at her. She was by the balcony doing what he was doing minutes ago. And then, ruthlessly, she turned around to look at him. Allen's breath stuck in his throat.
Because of the moon that illuminated her body, her face was like silk, her body graceful even when she was standing still. Since her hair grew back to their original length she didn't bother to tie them anymore. And now, she was more beautiful than his imagination can ever give him. Allen's eyes drank her image, committing it to memory.
And that's were she would always be. After all, he couldn't have her. Allen smiled sadly his eyes filling up with the most complex turmoil of emotions. He went to her, his eyes never leaving her.
To say that Lenalee was worried was a complete understatement. Her emotions seemed to pour itself to her feet and in no time at all, she found herself in front of Allen's door. Tentatively, she knocked on his door. But when she got no answer, her heart began to race and she ended up opening the door. Upon seeing Allen on the balcony, standing and alive, her being filled with relief and an emotion she could not understand.
Now, as she stared back at his eyes that seemed to say more than he could ever could, she felt unspeakably lonely for him. Allen settled beside Lenalee, his body facing her. Slowly, as if asking for permission, Lenalee's hand reached for his right cheek. Allen's eyes softened at the feel of her touch and at the same time his heart clenched in pain.
"Lenalee? Is something wrong?" said Allen. He was curious as to why she was here at this hour. He was answered by silence and he thought she wasn't going to answer. Her hand left his cheek and Allen found himself missing the contact.
"Your eyes always seem to be so sad." she finally replied. And then she looked at the sky as Allen continued to stare at her. Lenalee's body began to tremble slightly.
"Lenalee? Are you alright?" said Allen, hesitantly putting a hand on her shoulder. Lenalee glared at him. He was the one who was having hard time and yet he was asking if she was okay?!
"I should be the one asking you that."
"Eh?" Allen looked at her innocently. He was already considering the idea of making up an excuse right on the spot. He really didn't like it when he worried her or if he was the reason for her tears. Allen tried coming up with a valid reason that wouldn't sound too stupid. He found none. His brain was fried from nightmares and all. It wasn't really in the condition of thinking. He inwardly groaned.
And then Lenalee's glare softened; almost disappearing. In its place was someone who was desperate, begging. Allen was taken aback.
"You don't always have to be so strong, you know. We're here . . ." and then she trailed of, unsure of how to continue. ". . . I'm here." She whispered so quietly that Allen had to strain his ears. Allen's being felt a warm wave of happiness soothe his soul. At least, he knew she cared. He didn't know how to tell her all of what was bothering him but he knew she was right.
Allen gazed fondly back to the night sky as Lenalee waited for him.
"I . . . What do you think it would be like if the world got rid of everything that's making it a battlefield?" He started. Lenalee shifted her gaze off him.
"That would be really nice. That way I get to keep all my friends and live peacefully with Nii-san." said Lenalee. She knew that Allen was still holding back as much as he can and that he was trying hard to reveal his heart to her. As she looked back at him, she noticed for the first time that he was shaking. "Allen-kun. . ."
"I'm sorry I'm making you worry, Lenalee." And here he was again, apologizing when there was nothing to apologize for. He hated his inability to cry; to breakdown. Allen smiled gently when he felt her hand over his. He was shaking and he knew it. Perhaps it was time for him to take of the mask and set free the flood of tears that was stuck inside him. He stared straight in her eyes hoping she could read everything he was unable say.
Lenalee tried to read his soul when he stared at her. The look she saw on him a while ago was back and it was more powerful then ever. She saw fear, he was terrified. She saw hopelessness, he was giving up. She saw exhaustion, he was tired of living. She saw pain, he was suffering. She saw everything she recognized and before she continued on, she found her body pressed tightly against his. Allen's arms were wrapped around her waist afraid to let her go.
"Could you . . . Could you let me hold you, Lenalee? Just for this time." He whispered against her neck. Lenalee didn't answer. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck and let him have his well-deserved break.
She didn't know how long she held him as his sobs rocked his body. She felt so scared that he might slip away from her and into the darkness that seemed to follow him wherever he was. He had held her every time she cried. He was there to save her every time she called. He was always there. This time, she wanted to be the one to be there for him.
She hated feeling so helpless whenever he was so sad. She felt so powerless; so useless. She wanted to do anything she can to make him happy. She'd stay when he wanted her to stay. But Allen was too shy to make that request and so she decided that she would be the one to ask him if she could stay.
In layman's terms, Lenalee loved him. So much that she was willing to take his pain. She couldn't and will not let him sink into the darkness.
Soon, the storm inside Allen quieted down. Even so, neither wanted to let go. He pulled back just enough to look at her. He could see the worry clear in her eyes.
"I'm sorry you had to see that." said Allen. Lenalee glared at him.
"You know Allen-kun, you seriously need to stop saying that." And with that, she closed the gap separating their souls. Allen's heart stopped and then broke into a sprint. Lenalee, as in Lenalee, was kissing him! Allen's heart jumped at the thought. He never thought that it was possible; possible that she would love him. Him, of all people. He stopped thinking altogether as he closed his eyes and pressed back. And then, as if they'd been doing it for years, their lips moved in perfect synch, her body pressed against his perfectly.
He needed a reason for living.
He needed a reason to wake up in the morning.
He needed a reason to keep on fighting.
He needed a reason to hope.
He needed her. Just as much as she needed him.
Maybe, this might work out. And Allen was more than willing to try.
After what seemed like eternity, they pulled back, trying to catch their breaths. And then they talked. He told her everything: His fear of losing against himself, against the fourteenth, and against the earl; His fear of losing everything and everyone that he loved; His fear of losing her. And in turn, she listened and understood. She comforted him as he did to her. She told him she was there, that there was nothing to be afraid of. She told him he'll pull through.
If they weren't humans who needed sleep and rest, they would have continued on until sunrise. But unfortunately, though they had powers, they were still humans. Lenalee asked him if she could stay since she didn't like walking back to her room alone. Allen consented. He tucked her in his bed as Lenalee hesitantly closed her tired eyes.
"Goodnight Lenalee. Thank you." he said as he kissed her forehead lightly. Then, he turned, meaning to sleep on the couch. Before he could take a step away however, Lenalee was grasping his left wrist which was rough with Innocence. Allen looked at her, surprised.
"Where do you think you're going?" she demanded.
"You can have the bed. I'll sleep on the couch." He said. Lenalee inwardly smiled at his act as a gentleman though her face visibly faltered. Allen was alarmed.
"Lenalee?" he asked, uncertain.
"It's hard to sleep on the couch."
"But there's only one bed."
"And so?" she said. Allen blushed. Lenalee laughed at his expression. She made a space for him on the bed and after a moment's hesitation, he slipped in beside her. Allen stiffened slightly when Lenalee wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned her against his chest. She sighed in contentment.
"Okaeri, Allen-kun." she said. Allen smiled before reluctantly wrapping his arm around her.
"Tadaima." He replied. "Lenalee?"
She hummed, too contented to say a word. And then gathering up all the courage he had, he told her the only words which were left unspoken.
"I love you." said Allen. Lenalee tightened her hold on him.
"I love you too." She said. And then, she closed her eyes drifting away to unconsciousness.
Nothing could ever compare to the happiness Allen felt. Maybe fate wouldn't be so hard on him anymore. And then, for the first time in so many years, he fell asleep with a smile. He was truly home.
.~.
Being a warrior doesn't only mean having the strength to survive the war. Instead, it means having the courage to share somebody's pain.
Allen Walker is a warrior. And Lenalee Lee was his reason to get up every time he falls.
And in turn, he was hers.
.~.
A/N: Okay. I don't know if this turned out alright so I need your opinions. No Flames please. This is my first fanfic for D. Gray-man so characters might be OC.
Allen x Lenalee forever.