This is what I hope to see happening in upcoming episodes. Don't dial 911, I'm not holding my breath. Just dreaming. Don't pinch me. I don't want to wake up.
And, nope, they don't belong to me. They never have, they never will. That's why I have to dream about them instead.
Will entered Alicia's office with an update about the case on the tip of his tongue. Why they kept landing in the middle of the same cases, he couldn't explain. Fate had a sense of humor, apparently. "Alicia?" he asked as he rapped his knuckles against the door, briefly asking if he could enter.
She looked up to him and the look on her face killed the words on his tongue. Thoughts of the case were snatched from his mind as he instantly read the expression in her eyes. Pleasure. Desire. For him. She quickly covered her first emotions with professionalism, but even seeing her face composed didn't make him forget what had been written there just moments before.
"Are you alright?" he asked, almost wishing he hadn't asked even as the words were still falling out of his mouth. He stepped farther into her office, giving the door a nudge to swing shut behind him.
His question caught her off guard and her composure slipped away as she nodded unconvincingly. Will didn't speak, but Alicia read his disbelief in his eyes. She dropped her head to avoid his gaze and he dropped himself into a chair before her.
Potential comments flew through Will's thoughts, but nothing seemed to be the right thing to say. He remained silent for what seemed an eternity, but he knew it could only be a few breaths. Finally, she looked up to meet his face once again, her eyes pained.
"I'm sorry," she said, shaking her head absently. Will couldn't seem to find the question that he wanted to ask and so he remained silent while Alicia stumbled her way into an explanation. "I-I just-" she sighed, drew in a deep breath and began again. "I'm just having trouble compartmentalizing at the moment.
She didn't mention him. She didn't bring him into it at all. Her words could have implied issues with balance in other aspects of her life, or compartmentalizing each of her clients into their respective cases without any disastrous cross-over. But he knew that wasn't what she meant. That expression when he had caught her by surprise told him exactly what she meant.
"Why?" he asked curiously. She had been the one to call it off. She had said it had to stop. It was her decision. If anyone should be having issues here, it should be him, not her.
"Will," she said, her tone a mixture of warning and fear.
After a moment, he whispered, "Ok, Alicia," as he stood to leave. The loud sigh she released stopped him in his tracks and he turned back to face her. It wasn't a sigh of relief or of disappointment or of pain. It was a sigh of frustration. She was torn between what she wanted to say and what she should say. She felt that her silence would put even more miles between them than there already were. She didn't know if that was good or bad, but it wasn't what she wanted. So she spoke up.
"I know I'm the one that said it had to end. I know I have no right to be dragging you into this again. I know you're moving on with Laura. I made a decision with my head. I'm still working on convincing the rest of me." Her shoulders slumped with defeat, and it killed him to see her like that. He took a step closer to her but didn't regain his seat in her chair.
He opened his mouth to speak and then shut it again. Reconsidering, he said, "I'm not with Laura anymore. She called it off. I know that doesn't change much for you." He paused, considering his next words carefully. "Alicia, I would do anything to see you happy, so decide what it is you want and I'm there. Whatever you decide, I'm on board with it." He turned to leave her office, but he froze reaching for the door handle when she spoke his name.
"Will," she said with tears evident in her voice. She swallowed as she saw that he had stopped but not turned back to face her. "You're just going to leave after that?"
He nodded, still facing away from her. He glanced back in her direction as he said, "It has to be your decision, Alicia. If I stay now, I'll say too much." He completed his mission to reach her door handle and in a blink of her teary eyes, he was gone. She leaned back in her chair, blinking quickly to combat her tears and to process the weight of the past five minutes.
A week later, they were wrapping up the paperwork after they'd finished up the case in court and found themselves alone together. They hadn't spoken a word about their emotionally charged conversation in Alicia's office the week before, but had managed to successfully continue working side by side. Alicia had been looking for a moment like this, and sighed as she dove in headfirst.
"Will, do you have time to talk this weekend?" Her voice was clear as she spoke, not reflecting the nerves that rose within her.
His head snapped in her direction, caught off guard by her clearly personal reference in their very practiced, professional cocoon. "Sure, what were you thinking?" He put so much effort into sounding casual that he didn't choose his words carefully, but she caught his meaning.
"Does Friday night work?" she asked. Seeing his nod, she continued. "The kids aren't home this weekend, so if you want to come over around 8, that'd be great."
"I'll be there," he said with a guarded smile. They were still walking a very narrow line between one another, but she was breaching protocol to suggest that they be alone in her apartment together. He wanted to hope that meant something, but he didn't dare allow himself that luxury.
On Friday evening, Will stood outside Alicia's door, trying his best to compose himself before he raised his hand to knock. He'd been a wreck all day, so unsure what tonight was about. Now he was here, and if he wanted to learn the truth, he'd have to be man enough to walk inside and find out. He let out his breath and raised his hand cautiously to her door.
Alicia answered the door with a smile that matched his own. Nervous and unsure. "Hi," she said quietly as she stepped back to let him into her apartment. She was dressed casually, something he hadn't seen from her in quite awhile. In jeans and a cardigan, she was a stranger to him. Without a suit, she didn't seem like the woman he watched roaming the halls of Lockhart/Gardner. Without her kitten heels, she seemed smaller, more fragile, not the larger-than-life lawyer he saw in action in the courtroom.
"Hi," he returned. He was empty handed. He'd debated about bringing over a bottle of wine, but maybe he shouldn't be the one to suggest alcohol. Everything else he'd thought about bringing over seemed either too much or too lame. In the end, he'd decided that she'd only asked for him and that was all she'd get.
She led him into the living room and sat down on the sofa, leaving his options for seating open to a seat beside her on the sofa or across from her in a chair. Against his better judgement, he sat beside her on the sofa.
She had already opened a bottle of wine and was drinking a glass herself. The bottle and an empty glass sat on the coffee table in front of them. "Do you want some wine?" she asked.
"Sure," he said, reaching for the empty glass as she reached for the bottle. She poured and he took a sip and they let the silence soak in for just a moment. He turned towards her as she finally spoke.
"So, I thought it would be good to talk without distractions," she said with a smile and a wave of her hand to indicate all of the action in their workplace.
"Ok," he said, pressing his lips together and nodding.
She was silent another moment. There were so many things she wanted to say, but she didn't know how to start off this awkward conversation. "I've been thinking a lot lately," she finally said, "and there's one thing that I can't answer for myself. Will, what is it that you want?"
Will sighed, frustrated that she didn't understand. "Alicia, that isn't the issue here. What I want isn't important. I don't have a family that depends on me," he answered quietly.
"Of course it's important! I don't want to make a mistake because I didn't hear your perspective!" the agitation rose in her voice as she spoke.
"Alicia, I don't want to put any pressure on you. I know that you already have enough to deal with in your life and I don't want to add to that. I can't decide what it is you want. Only you can decide that." Will's voice was hushed, just above a whisper, as if it were the only way that he could speak to her about all this. He averted his eyes from her, only glancing up a couple of times to read her expression.
As she absorbed his words, she nodded. "Yes, but it is difficult to decide when the options are unclear," she said in a tone matching his. She watched his face for a reaction.
His eyes pleaded with her not to do this. Not to ask this of him. He looked away as he composed his response. "I think you know how I feel Alicia, even if I haven't said it outright." He stared at his palms as he spoke, too afraid to meet her eyes.
This made her think for a moment. Lost in contemplation of his words, she sat still and silent on the sofa beside him. She cleared away her thoughts as she said, "Maybe," as she nodded along to the space in front of her. Turning towards him, she added, "But this isn't the kind of thing that you can just make assumptions about. I need to know the truth, Will."
He didn't meet her eyes this time. He couldn't. He picked up his wine glass from the coffee table and took a sip before setting it back down. He nodded, again not looking at her, and stood up to pace the room.
This surprised Alicia. The always composed, always confident, even cocky at times, Will that she knew from years in court together wasn't here with her tonight. He was always prepared with an argument he could pull out of his pocket at a moment's notice. He wasn't tongue tied or unsure in front of a judge, but here with her, he was nervous and uncertain, like a kid on his first date.
It was almost ten minutes of pacing before Will spoke. Alicia almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. Almost. Nothing was very funny tonight.
Will turned to meet her as he began, but as his words continued, his eyes wandered blindly through the room. "I don't know how to say this, so I guess I'll just say it. I love you. I have lied to you so many times about it, but I love you. I lied when I said it on the phone that time and said it was just a slip up. I lied about the missed message on your voice mail at the press conference. I lied every time I thought it and didn't tell you. I lied because I thought I was protecting you. I hope that you won't hate me for lying to you. I did it with the best of intentions." His voice trailed off at the end, as he found himself sitting in the seat across from her now.
Alicia just stared at him, wide eyed. Taken aback, she let a small, "Wow!" escape from her lips. She leaned back into the couch cushions, hugging her glass of wine for comfort. Her eyes darted back and forth as she tried to process what Will had just told her. Will could do nothing but watch her and wait for her reaction. When she finally met his eyes, he couldn't read her expression. "How long, Will? How long have you known?" she asked hesitantly. It was her curiosity getting the best of her. She wanted to know.
Will drew in a deep breath and leaned forward in his seat, as if to tell her a secret. It was a secret, he supposed, but there was no need to be discreet here. Pressing his hands together in front of him, he stared at his fingertips while he tried to find the courage to answer her. "Since Georgetown," he said, lifting his eyes to hers to evaluate the damage.
She exhaled, hearing his words and deflating just a little. "Oh Will," she whispered as she closed her eyes, willing her life to be less complicated. Her expression was blank. She didn't want to mislead Will, one way or another, until she knew how she wanted to proceed. Internally, she was chaos, upheaval, war. Externally, she was meditating.
After a few moments, Will returned his gaze to his fingertips stretched out in front of him. How had he let this go so far? How had he just let her slip away from him? He'd never fought for her. He'd never told her how he felt. He was always too afraid. Too afraid he'd know her answer before she ever uttered a word. Well this was it. This was the moment he'd been afraid of for twenty years. And it was hell.
Her eyes blinked open, and she was ready to ask him more. There was more she needed to know than this. Love was great but she needed a plan. But when her eyes fell on him, she thought of nothing but his comfort. He sat before her, not noticing her awareness yet, miserable and wretched as he stared down at his hands. "Will," she said with a smile to bring him around and he lifted his eyes to hers. They were full of hope and despair at the same time. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you carried this around for so long." Her tone and her expression matched in genuine concern for him. "And I'm sorry, but I still have concerns. I can't- be involved until I address that."
Will's heart sank. As much as he tried to be strong, he couldn't keep his head up. He couldn't keep himself from folding in and feeling as if he would never feel anything ever again.
This was a brush off. She was going to try and smooth things over quickly here and then pretend it never happened. It was a knife to his heart. It meant the death of him, destined to a lifetime spent as an empty shell.
He raised his head, wearing no expression, prepared to accept her refusal graciously. She was wringing her hands in her lap, nervously searching for the right words. She glanced up to see she had his attention again, then broke eye contact as she began.
"If Peter..." she trailed off before swallowing the lump in her throat and starting again. "If Peter was gone, if we divorced, it wouldn't just be you and me. It wouldn't be like before." Her words wore a hint of the nerves bubbling inside her. This was the conversation that she had been avoiding for so long and now that it was happening, it was even more difficult than she'd imagined.
Will stared at her, trying to reconcile what she had said with what he'd expected her to say. Was she talking about a relationship? Even a hypothetical one was more than he had hoped for.
Alicia saw his confusion and mistakenly assumed that he hadn't understood what she was getting at. "I have kids," she said, tears rising in her voice at the thought of them. There was more to say but she had to push past all this emotion first.
"I know," Will answered quietly. It took everything he had not to raise his hopes at the direction the conversation had turned. Surely she would shut this down any minute now.
"Would you want to handle that?" she asked, her eyes flooded with uncertainty. In her anxiety, she rambled on. "I mean they're teenagers, so they can be difficult, and they've already had so much to handle at their age... I mean, they're just a lot to take on. If they weren't my kids, I don't know if I'd be able to love them ALL the time," she finished with a slight smile to herself.
With the realization of what she was saying, every doubt and uncertainty cleared from Will's face. He spoke honestly, praying that she would believe him. "Alicia, they're a part of you, so of course I would love them. I love them already. They are the reason that we haven't been pursuing this. I get that. If I didn't care for them, I wouldn't have waited this long to let you know how I feel."
Alicia drew in a sharp breath, trying to absorb the meaning of his words. Tears stung her eyes as she said, "I just don't-I don't want you to step into my life, only to have you back out again when you realize how difficult things are. It wouldn't be easy, Will," she said as she met his eyes.
His heart swelled in his chest when he noticed the tears welling up in her eyes. She hadn't given her feelings a voice, and he could see the fear inside that was holding her back from making any type of declaration, but he knew now how she felt. She wouldn't allow her feelings to surface, but he could see inside her now. He saw her love for him, buried deep beneath her fear. "Alicia, I wouldn't. I know there would be challenges to face, but we'd face them together." He paused a moment, knowing that he had to open up to her. He hadn't been comfortable opening up to anyone in a very long time, but he had to do it now, for her. "I know my life is a product of my decisions, but that doesn't mean that I like it. It doesn't mean that I don't want something more." His statement ended in a whisper, as if the volume of his voice protected his heart the way his silence had for all these years.
She released a sigh, dropping her shoulders a bit as she said, "What do you want then, Will?" Her tone revealed defeat and frustration, anxiety and longing.
Will shut his eyes for just a moment to draw on his courage before facing her to speak. "You. I want you to let me love you, Alicia. I want to be with you, at work, at home. I want to be in your life and I want you to be in mine. I know that means drama and mess, but as long as I have you, I don't care. I want to be there for everything, for the poetry and the parent teacher conferences, you might say." He was grinning as he finished, recalling that conversation from years ago, the one that they never got to finish. He was tempted to go to her, but forced himself to remain seated across from her.
As she heard his last words, she released a quiet chuckle, allowing her head to drop down and stare at her hands folded in her lap. She couldn't wipe the grin off of her face and she couldn't wash away the fear she still felt inside. She looked up, unable to guard her expression as she asked, "And the sleepless nights, and the bad press, and the prom dates and the college orientations?"
"Yes," he said boldly, certainty dripping from his voice as he stood and walked the few steps towards her. He seated himself beside her, longing to touch her but holding back as he said, "It's all a yes."
She grinned again, and looked away, unable to match the intensity he wore in his eyes.
"What do you want, Alicia?" he asked, finally brave enough to take her hand.
"I don't know," she answered honestly, the defeat in her voice cutting into Will's soul. "I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to regret. I don't want to have a life half-lived. I don't want to set a bad example for my kids."
"What are you afraid of?" Will asked quietly, still not releasing her hand.
"Of being hurt," she said after awhile to the empty space in front of her. "Of my kids being hurt." She couldn't look at him. She wasn't used to this vulnerability.
"Alicia," he said, his tone making his desire to meet her eyes obvious. When she didn't comply, he begged her, "Please look at me." When she finally turned her face toward him, he raised the knuckles of his free hand to caress her cheek. "I could never hurt you," he said, emotion welling up inside him as he spoke. "It would kill me to know that I'd caused you or your kids any pain. Hurting you would hurt myself, because I love you. I could never forgive myself. Please let me show that to you."
She looked away again, unable to quickly agree to his request. She knew he meant what he said. She also knew that life was out of our control sometimes. If she opened herself up to him, he would hurt her eventually. Maybe not willingly, but it would happen. It was inevitable. She'd been around long enough to know that. Maybe he didn't understand that yet. Maybe he didn't have enough relationship experience to know that the sonnets and roses couldn't last forever.
The question was, would the good times be enough to outweigh the tough ones? As a mother, she would take a lifetime of pain to protect her children from any pain at all. Could she take a risk this big, with their fates somewhat tied to hers? But would she want her kids to live this kind of half-life limbo that she'd been living since the scandal broke?
She had to lead by example, to teach them what was important in life, and if that meant hard times, it also meant life lessons. Her early trials had shaped her into who she was now, and she couldn't regret that. She could teach them to follow in her footsteps, to weather the trials of life gracefully and to never lose hold of what was the most important.
If she were truly honest with herself, she was curious where this path with Will would lead. She hadn't seen Will like this before. It was uncharted territory, and that excited her as much as it frightened her. She been repressing her rebellious tendencies lately, only allowing them to surface when provoked by the partners or the campaign. She didn't need to turn them loose, only allow them to play out in her life a little. They were a part of who she was, after all.
She turned back to Will, nodding while she searched for her voice. "Yes," she said, a genuine smile broadening across her face. As Will's eyes filled with the possibilities that lie ahead for them, he couldn't resist bringing his face closer to hers. Their lips met for the hundredth time, but there was a difference now. It wasn't all passion and desire. It was soft and loving. It was slow and deliberate. Alicia thought she could get used to this.