(A/N: Hey, I'm PikaBulb, Gertrude's editor! Just letting you know this is a comedy so it's both funny and dumb. But let's face it, if you voluntarily clicked on something about a Magikarp, you know it's going to be dumb. On to the story!)
The Autobiography of a Magikarp
Written by Gertrude E. Karp
My mother once told me the day I was born was the worst day of her entire life.
Born in a year I don't remember in the waters north of Sinnoh, the life of me, Gertrude E. Karp, a male Magikarp, had begun.
Mommy was a single Karp, just me and her. She told me my father was Arceus, but I'm not sure if that's true because it's the same answer she gave when I asked her where babies came from, the capital of Kanto, what the number came after nine, and her favorite color.
At the age of eleven I received a letter saying I was wizard going to attend Hogwarts... oh wait, wrong story.
At the age of eleven my mom deemed me smart enough to attend Kindergarten. Physically I was ahead of class, but my mom said mentally I was a few years behind. Unfortunately I was held back several years for being unable to associate the difference between a Bibarel and a Mewtwo. Eventually the teacher, , passed me because she said she was sick of seeing my face.
When I was twenty-seven I attended Happy Fins High School. I ran for school president but came in last, with the winner being Bucky the Biberal (or was he a Mewtwo?) I ran for the lead in the Little Mermaid and got the part of a rock. I was so happy to have such a huge role- I was onstage the whole time! Ariel was played by Bucky the Biberal.
Two days later I was kicked out of Happy Fins for my "mental capacity not having enough space to be considered formidable," whatever that means. Thus, I was transferred to Retardare High, a school for special children. It was there my life turned around- I was one of the cool kids! I even had the awesome nickname "Punching Bag." I was so cool I even got to be a real punching bag! My best friends (the ones who called me Punching Bag and used me as one,) were Crusher the Sharpedo, Bone Smasher the Crawdaunt and Sarah-Charlotte the Luvdisc. Life was sweet, but it felt…lackluster. I needed a someone. It was then I met Christina.
I remember it so clearly. I was in 's class and the teacher was droning on about some guy named Sasquatch or Squanto or something like that when the principal, a middle aged Seadra, swam in. But it was not her that captivated me; it was who was behind her.
She was gorgeous, drop dead gorgeous. She had a graceful body, the color of a tan-gone-wrong and spots that resembled pools of mud. She possessed thick pink lips akin to fat sausages, and wielded an arched blue fin. A strand of drool ran elegantly down her chin and she had large, dopily crossed eyes. She was a Feebas, and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
"Children," said Principal Seadra, "This is Christina, a foreign exchange student from Hoenn."
"Hi," said Christina. Her voice was so lovely, a raspy whisper like claws scraping a chalkboard or a Tepig being slaughtered.
"Why don't you sit next to Gertrude?" suggested the principal. Christina paddled over and sat next to me, giving me a small smile as she came over.
One hour later I woke up in the nurse's office, apparently because I had fainted in the middle of class.
A week later it was time for the school dance, and I was really excited. I wished I could've asked Christina, but obviously she was taken, considering she was the best looking fish in the whole school. To be honest, I didn't know a lot about girls, other than that they smelled nice and got mad at certain times of the month for reasons I refused to question.
I had asked every girl to the dance that I could find and the only reward for my efforts were thirty-seven slaps and an extra beating from Sarah-Charlotte. I asked my mom what I should do and she said I should ask someone blind and deaf. I told her we didn't have anyone like that at school. See? This is the kind of fish my mommy is. Always looking out for the less fortunate who'd probably have trouble looking for a date.
While nursing my black eyes the next day I noticed Christina swimming by, looking hurt and lonely.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing," murmured Christina, "I just feel so out of place. I'm so much older than everyone else. I was held back in Kindergarten because I couldn't tell the difference between a Pidgey and a Zapdos."
"Oh," I replied, "I was held back too. But Zapdos and Pidgey look alike, so you must be really smart. I was just held back because I'm stupid."
A smile formed on Christina's lips. "I don't think you're stupid."
That's when I knew I really, really liked her.
It was now or never. I resisted fainting and managed to choke out the logically put together words, "Willyougotothedancewithmepre ttypleasewithsprinklesontop?"
Christina blinked then broke into a wide grin. "I'd love to!"
For the second time in a week, I woke up in the nurse's office.
The night of the dance the whole school was buzzing. Every Pokémon was there, some big, some small, all with the expression of excitement. Many looked rather nice, but there was only one fish I had eyes for, and she had just swam over.
"H-hi Christina," I stuttered.
"Hey Gertrude," she responded. "You're not going to faint again, are you?"
"No promises," I said and Christina laughed. We were about to enter the school when something large blocked us. In fact two things blocked us.
Fang and Razor, two students who joined school yesterday. Rumor has it they lived in Johto and were transferred to Retardare to be straightened out. Although they immediately hit it off with my best friends I avoided them because they were scary. The species- Gyarados. The female, Razor, was odd. She wasn't a blue but a ripe cherry red. When she moved she glistened like sunlight venting over water or a sparkly male vampire from my favorite novel. (My favorite show is Gossip Girl.)
If I had the option to evolve I'm not sure if I'd take it. But I don't even have a choice. When I was fifteen I ate my mom's seaweed plant. Mom got mad and told me to take a long walk off a short pier. So I did.
I fell off the pier and landed in the middle of a sandy desert. As I fell I knocked a rock over with my tail and it tumbled down with me, landing on my chest as I finished my descent and hit the sandy bottom. I couldn't move because of the rock and I had a weird feeling in my stomach. I was starving to death! So I did the only logical thing- I ate the rock.
It turns out the rock had weighed less than a gram and if I had put any effort into getting up the rock would've slid off my body. It also turns out that I was not in the desert but a beach filled with happy families. Also I was not starving- the plant had given me indigestion.
I went to the doctor and he told me the rock I had eaten was called an everstone and little bits would always be in my digestive system so I could never evolve.
What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Fang and Razor.
"I remember when I was a squirt like you," growled Fang. "Of course only a moron wouldn't have evolved yet. It's good though, having you be one of my kind would be nauseating."
"Thanks!" I said happily.
Razor said, "Don't waste your breath Fang. The idiot doesn't know an insult when sees one. I see he's snagged a date- an ugly Feebas. Suiting for one like him."
My mind whirled. Did he just call Christina ugly? I've never seen a prettier fish in my life. Anger began to churn in me, unknown rage released. So I used the most powerful attack I knew-Splash.
To quote the Pokédex: A Magikarp living for many years can leap a mountain using Splash.
I grabbed Christina's fin and flew into the air, soaring above Fang and Razor. We leapt above the school and zoomed further and further. Suddenly a shaft of light became visible and I found myself being thrust forward, and for the first time I was out of the water.
The atmosphere was strange but I felt confident with Christina by my side. Above me there was not water but sky. The sky was laced with multiple colors, brilliant vermilions bright oranges and vibrant yellows. The sun was sinking below the horizon and Wingull cawed overhead, eyeing us curiously. It was astounding, completely indescribable, and after what felt like hours, despite that it was mere seconds, we splashed down.
"Gertrude!" Christina exclaimed, "That was so cool!"
"Uh…" I stammered. I turned to Christina and couldn't help but realize she had really pretty eyes. When I looked at her my stomach got all knotted up and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was indigestion again.
Suddenly something streaked into the ocean, tidbits of seaweed floating on the surface skewering in all directions. A metallic hook waved in front of my face and attached to the end was something pink. It was a miniature cake, little pecha berries dotting the side and a white buttercream frosting. And oh, did it smell good.
I reached forward, grazing the treat with my teeth when Christina slapped me aside yelling, "Stop!"
But alas, as her sentence ended I found myself being yanked upwards for the second time that day, but this time by a fishing line. Christina darted towards me as I was about to exit the murky water and head-butted my side. My bite released and I unceremoniously tumbled down. As I pulled myself up I realized one thing was missing-Christina.
"Help!" she shouted. I looked up just in time to see her be pulled out of the sea, the fishing hook caught in her right pectoral fin.
I panicked and swam upwards as fast as my tiny flippers could carry me. I peeked above the water, but all I saw was the churning ocean. I turned around and saw a little fishing canoe. The canoe contained a human who held a writhing Feebas in one hand and a battered fishing rod in the other. I froze at the sight of the human.
He was a scrawny man with a satisfied smirk and a jungle of unwashed hair. A small mustache sprouted above his upper lip and he wore white after Labor Day. A tiny sweatband wound its way around his head, a bow attached to the front. But it was his nametag that made me shrink back in horror. He was the most evil villain in Magikarp history, the reason you don't go out at night and hide under your bed. He was the fairy tale monster, the guy under every Karp's pillow. His name? The Magikarp Salesman.
He caught innocent fish and sold them for an outrageous price. They say he never bathes and if you're caught by him you have to eat healthy meals… for the rest of your life.
But now he had Christina.
"A Feebas!" the salesman snickered, pulling a Pokéball off his belt, "Those aren't even native here! I can get a fortune for this baby, maybe charge $2000…"
I closed my eyes, too afraid to watch. But I quickly opened them. This was no time to be coward! I had to save Christina! So I readied my signature attack-Splash.
I launched into the air, reaching so high I cast a silhouette over the sun. The Magikarp Salesman only had a second to look up before I landed…straight on his head.
He screamed and tried to pry me off as I floundered around, bouncing on him with all my might. He dropped Christina and the fishing rod and aimlessly slapped at me, causing him to hit his own head. I noticed Christina was in the corner of the boat, gasping for water that wasn't there. Slowly but surely she was suffocating. I doubled my efforts and slapped my tail directly in between the man's eyes. He stumbled backwards and toppled into the water.
"Can't swim!" yelled the Magikarp Salesman, flailing his arms uselessly. "Help me!"
That's right, the Magikarp Salesman, a fisherman, didn't know how to swim. So he yanked out another Pokéball and released something yellow.
"Abra!" he choked out, spitting seawater, "Use Teleport!" And just like that there was a flash of light and he disappeared. I quickly flopped over to Christina, grabbed her good fin and dived into the water.
"You…you saved me, Gertrude," Christina said once we landed, "Thank you."
I smiled, trying to process what had happened and glanced around. We were in a desert, and this time it was not beach. We were in the middle of nowhere. I later learned that the hook damaged Christina and she couldn't swim. We were completely stuck.
IQ had always been a sensitive subject. My mom once told me she took me to a mental rehabilitation center and the doctor deemed me as beyond help. But that day, stranded in unknown land, an idea struck me. I stood below the abandoned canoe and it turned over. Sure enough hundreds of the little cakes, Poffins, as I later learned them to be called, were in a tiny basket. I grabbed the handle with my teeth and came back down.
For one week we were marooned, surviving on Poffins. I refused to leave Christina until her fin healed. It seemed like it wouldn't get better for weeks, and our food supply was running low.
But then it happened. Christina bit into her favorite kind of Poffin, a wiki berry, when she began to glow.
Her body elongated into a serpentine form, elegant and agile. Her eyes became as big and reflective as a stained glass window. Two pink appendages came out of her head and graced her side and her tail was covered in multicolored scales, each which glittered as she moved. The tail's end came out in a fan like fashion. If she had been beautiful before she was now ravishing. She was astounding. She was dazzling. She was also huge, as in twenty feet high.
Needless to say, it was epic. Due to Christina's lack of fins she was completely healed. We found our way back to school, chatting the whole way, Christina beaming with happiness the entire time. After an hour Retardare High was in sight.
"Son of a Snubull!" exclaimed Fang, who had been basking in front of the building. "Christina, when did you evolve?"
A large crowd of males formed around Christina literally begging at her non-existent heels to be their girlfriend. Every time someone asked my heart felt more and more deflated.
"Why doesn't anyone want to be my boyfriend?" Sarah-Charlotte wailed behind me while Razor grunted something about the balance of popularity falling to pieces.
I cast my focus back to Christina who had loudly cleared her throat.
"Attention. There is someone I'd love to be my boyfriend. His brain may be small, but that's because his heart's so big. His name… Gertrude."
At first there was silence. Then the world erupted with laughter.
"Gertrude! Very funny!" said one fish.
"Cute joke, now who's it for real?" demanded a Krabby.
"Prove you're telling the truth!" shouted a rowdy Azumarill.
Christina's face went through the entire emotional spectrum- surprised, sad, amused, thoughtful, happy, then giddy. She then lowered her gigantic neck so we were eye to eye and planted a firm kiss on my lips. It was then I knew that if life was sweet before, it was now as sweet as a pecha berry Poffin with buttercream frosting.
Years flew by and I graduated Harvard with a degree in political science. Christina and I were going steady and I had never been so happy. Then one day I proposed and Christina said yes. I rushed home to tell my mom and she said she wanted to meet her. Silly mommy thought it was a joke my fiancée wasn't suffering from a brain disorder, so when I came back with a Milotic, well, let's just say for once I wasn't the one doing the fainting.
Now Christina and I are happily married and Christina wants to have children. I said yes but I'm still not sure where babies come from. But hey, I'll figure it out. After all, it's not like the process could be weird or inappropriate, am I right?
So that's the story of my life. I hope you enjoyed it, because I enjoy it! Who would've thought a little Karp could have such a great experience?
Signing off for now I'm Gertrude E. Karp, and this was my autobiography.
P.s: I was shopping for creamed corn at the market when I ran into Bucky the Biberal. I asked him if he was a Biberal or a Mewtwo. Turns out, he was a Zapdos.
THE END