Disclaimer: I own nothing except my grammatical errors =)

May 2012

I was not a violent person. Never. I always liked to see the good side of the people. I was not believed in guns. All who know me can say I was a peaceful person fighting every day for a better world.

But the world did not improve, and never will do. Either way, I have no strength to fight. I couldn't fight against his violence, his psychopaths and mass murderers, his perversion. The world is dehumanized. I too, since you're not with me.

My heart beats but I do not feel alive. My lungs are still functioning but my breath is mechanical. My feet still walking, but they do not lead me anywhere. My fucking brain is still doing his job. He is the best.

My memories hit against me, day and night. Your memories within me. Your smile appears in the middle of the night, I feel your eyes on me but you're not here.

Right now I'm thinking of you. You're inside my head, inside my soul and my body. You still live inside of my senses.

I try to get out all the rage of my body, I want get rid of the frustration and pain in some way. So I'm doing something never done, before your abandonment.

I'm running. Every day my physical endurance improves, every day I feel much stronger. I'm running all the roads you ran. I do it because it makes me feel close to you.

When I think about the way you left, anger runs through my spine. My legs work even faster, my body possessed by anger. You don't gave me a goodbye kiss.

I sped my run some more. Unintentionally, I bump into a man who was running in the opposite direction to mine. I did not even say a few words of apology because I'm out of me.

I collapse on the cool grass, and gradually, I recover my breathing rate. Then I put my hands on the floor and start my series of push-ups. I do frantically, trying to burn all my helplessness and my adrenaline.

That night I waited for you. I waited until late. You promised to me that would come to dinner with me to celebrate our anniversary. We do not celebrate it, because you were away.

That's why I wanted it to be special. I got dressed with the blue dress you liked so much. I lit candles, candles that melted because you did not show up. They were consumed hoping for, as happened to me. In my life I felt more ridiculous.

The memory makes me shudder. The hate makes me get up off the grass, hard. I keep running to get to the gym. I go directly to the Boxing Training Room.

With each punch, hate frees my veins and I can feel my blood swim into my body once again.

My tears begin to fall down my face. A final further blow. Just one last punch more.

I can not fool myself. The hate still inside me. The pain is in my soul.

As I turn away slowly from the old punching bag that night comes back to my head. The night you left me, without a single explanation.

Why did you were have to go? Why did you leave me here alone? You did not know the hurt that you were doing me? I was so worthless to you? Our love was so worthless to you?

Then I look at my reflection in the mirror of the women's bathroom. My black hair is pulled back into a messy ponytail. My brown eyes are surrounded by dark circles. My skin is pale, very pale.

I pass my hand over my cheek and I can stroke the bone of my cheekbone. Then, I were run my fingers through my collarbone up to my jaw. I can touch all those bones under my skin.

I realize I look like a zombie. I live without being alive. I live like a robot, no feelings. I wander the streets, I sleep without rest, and I feed for mere survival. I hear people talk but I don't listen them.

I turn on the tap and wet my face. I pick a little more of water in my hands, letting it fall on my neck. Then my phone rings demanding my attention. When I pulled it from the front pocket of my pants, I see that is the job number.

"Garcia" I replied without much enthusiasm

"Hello" JJ answered from the other line "How are you?"

I leave the gym while I answer my friend "As every day for eight months. I am a walking shit "

"Pen, honey ..."

"Today I realized that I can pretend to be one of those walkers of The Walking Dead"

"I know, what happened with Morgan, was horrible but you should..."

"JJ, I have not asked for your opinion" I interrupt her, tired of repeating the same conversation over and over "Why did you call me?"

I hear her sigh on the other side "Hotch has asked me to call you. He wants to talk to you "

"About what?"

"He said that Anderson, was looking for you, this morning. To go to practice shooting "

"True...I forgot it"

"Really, Pen? Are you going to practice shooting?" She says incredulously " What do you get with this? This is not you "

"This is what I am now...If you don't like, I'm sorry"

"Hotch does not agree with this new personality yours"

"Tell him from me, that he stop meddling in my fucking life. None of you have the right to do "

"In case you forgot, Hotch is your boss. You owe him explanations"

I sigh, tired of all this damn conversation "I owe him explanations for my work, not about my personal life...
It's my life."

"Pen, please ..."

"Why did you call me?"

"We have a case"

"Ok, I'm coming"

A/N: I do not know why my muses are so sinister now ... LOL

I'll see where it all ends =)