I dislike notes in the beginning, but I think this one's just too cracky to do without.

The three kiddos on the east coast apparently have insomnia or just don't want to go to sleep. And guess what their bedtime story turned into? So I made up a quickie for three little boogers who should damn well be sleeping while they can, you hear? I liked the idea and rewrote it in non-chat form.

Yup. Have fun.

Once upon a time there were three little pigs who decided to go out into the world. The eldest pig went first, and as he trotted along the road he met a man carrying a bundle of straw.

Upon seeing the straw, something ticked inside of Liu Bei and age-old hard-wired instincts began to boil inside of him.

"Must… Weave…. Sandals..."

So he said very politely:

"If you please, sir, could you give me that straw to build me a house?"

And the man, seeing what good manners the little pig had, gave him the straw, and the little pig set to work and built a beautiful house with it.

"You! Peasant! I am the scion of the Han Imperial house! I demand your hard-cut straw!"

"But- but how am I supposed to feed my family?" the peasant cried.

"Righteousness! Loyalty! The Mandate of Heaven! The Imperial Throne! Usurpers and loyalists! Legitimacy! The Imperial Han!" Liu Bei shouted. And like it always had for his whole life, hollering random phrases of high-minded rhetoric with little or no application or relevance to the situation at hand worked and he got the straw.

Of course Liu Bei had no clue how to build a house so he did the best he could.

…So after he finished the third hundredth shoe he strung them together to make a hobo shack made out of footwear.

Now, the next piggy, when he started, met a man carrying a bundle of furze, and, being very polite, he said to him:

"If you please, sir, could you give me that furze to build me a house?"

"What the hell's a furze?" the peasant asked suspiciously. "And why are you blushing? You're not going to take my wood like that other sod who took my first source of livelihood, are you?"

"The wood is a lie. It is stopping you from the path to glory and honor. If you have dignity and virtue you will surely hand over the wood to me," Guan Yu said nobly.

"But why? I have a family to feed and this firewood-"

"I said if you are a wise and honorable man you would give me the wood."

"Honorable and wise I'm not but hungry I am," the peasant replied. "Sorry, but I've already trekked an extra thirty miles to get this wood after some whackjob took my straw."

"Well you can't eat the wood, can you? Thanks," Guan Yu said, grabbing the wood anyways, because when you're over five feet in China you can do whatever you want.

And the man, seeing what good manners the little pig had, gave him the furze, and the little pig set to work and built himself a beautiful house.

"I still have no idea what a furze is…" Guan Yu muttered as he leaned the planks together to make a shack, which promptly fell down. "Blast and curses! How do those poor people get this stuff to work? Doesn't it come with batteries?"

Later, he settled for the classic, timeless lean-to shack model which worked for his purposes as long as it wasn't raining.

Now the third little piggy, when he started, met a man carrying a load of bricks, and, being very polite, he said:

"If you please sir, could you give me those bricks to build me a house?"

"Hah! Cool bricks! I'll take them!" Zhang Fei shouted.

"Oh no! Not another one of you brothers! This is my very last source of income and I have to feed my family after two other guys took my stuff and now I have to walk an extra sixty-four miles to sell for food!" the peasant cries. "Being a peasant sucks!"

"I said I'll take them!" Zhang Fei declared.

And he did.

And the man, seeing that he had been well brought up, gave him the bricks, and the little pig set to work and built himself a beautiful house.

Zhang Fei prodded the unconscious peasant with his food before starting to stack up bricks.

Now, a wolf happened to pass the first little pig's path; and he saw the house that the first little pig built out of straw, and he smelt the pig inside.

So he knocked at the door and said:

"Little pig! Little pig! Let me in! Let me in!"

Liu Bei peeked out the window and gasped in delight. "Lu Bu!" exclaimed he. "Boy am I glad to see you! This surely can't be a repeat of Xiapi, can it?"

"…Of course not you gullible buffoon," Lu Bu coughed. "I'm uh, a salesman. I'm just here to sell halberds. See this shiny one? Can I stick it through the door at you to show you the pointy tip?"

But the little pig saw the wolf's big paws through the keyhole, so he answered back:

"No! No! No! by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"

Then the wolf showed his teeth and said:

"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in."

Liu Bei stared for a moment before coughing. "No, I don't have halberds, I have suspiciously phallic swords for weapons. …I… Have compensation issues that make Taishi Ci look like a self-secure man. Are you trying to sell me bootleg junk?"

"Bootleg junk? No! I'm just trying to get my weapon within range of your head, that's all," Lu Bu said earnestly.

Liu Bei narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Is this some kind of trick? You're trying to steal my new house, aren't you, like you did my fortified stronghold that I totally was trusting you with?"

"CURSES! FOILED AGAIN!" Lu Bu roared angrily. "HOW EVER DID YOU KNOW?"

"Because I'm hella smart!" Liu Bei boasted.

"Anyways, you wanna take a look at my merchandise anyways?" Lu Bu asked.

"Sure." Liu Bei opened the door.

"HAHA FOOL!" roared Lu Bu.

And then the wolf huffed and puffed and blew the house of straw down, and the first little pig fled to take shelter with the second little pig.

Once again it happened that when it was finished the wolf chanced to come that way; and he saw the house, and he smelt the pig inside.

So he knocked at the door and said:

"Little pig! Little pig! Let me in! Let me in!"

But the little pig peeped through the keyhole and saw the wolf's great eyes, so he answered:

"No! No! No! by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"

"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!" says the wolf, showing his teeth.

"This is a sweet joint you have Second Brother," Liu Bei said appreciatively. "I mean, it's better than my place. At least people don't keep trying to walk over it."

"That's because I built it more than two feet high," Guan Yu said solemnly. "Wine?"

"Sure, thanks!"

There was a knocking at the door.

"Hello! I'm a Mysterious Merchant!" called a barely-disguised voice. "Do you want to buy various body parts from endangered species?"

Guan Yu looked outside. "It's Lu Bu," he said simply.

"Fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice and shame on me!" Liu Bei bellowed. "Lu Bu, I know you're trying to get in!"

"No I'm not! Here, why don't I stay out here, but if you open the door a little bit I'll push the box in to you show in case you're interested.

"Why not," Liu Bei said, and before Guan Yu could yell "it's a trap," Liu Bei unlocked the door. "It's open!"

Lu Be wedged the box in the door, and when Liu Bei bent to pick it up, he slammed the door open.

"HAHA! FOOLS!"

So he huffed and he puffed and he blew the house in. And the two little pigs fled to take shelter with the third little pig.

"This is kind of cramped," Guan Yu said reluctantly.

"Hey, don't hate on me! You guys are the ones who build crappy shacks!" Zhang Fei snapped.

"Not that you didn't…" Liu Bei whined.

It happened that the wolf passed by the third house and knew the little pigs to be inside. So he knocked at the door and said:

"Little pig! Little pig! Let me in! Let me in!"

But the little pig peeped through the keyhole and saw the wolf's great eyes, so he answered:

"No! No! No! by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"

"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!" says the wolf, showing his teeth.

There was a sound at the door. "Knock, knock! I'm a Mysterious Merchant and this time I'm here to sell you junk that you don't need!"

"Lu Bu, we know it's you!" Guan Yu shouted.

"CURSES!" Lu Bu roared.

"Go away or we're calling Cao Cao!" Liu Bei warned.

"Well, don't you want to see my merchandise?" Lu Bu asked, polishing his weapon. "This time, if you open your window I can stick it in-"

"Sure!" Liu Bei exclaimed, but was stopped by Guan Yu and Zhang Fei sitting on him.

"Fool him once shame on you, fool him twice shame on him, but fool him three times and I really have to wonder why we're following this idiot around," Guan Yu said sagely. "Go away, Lu Bu! We're not opening the door!"

"Awww, come on! I just want to be friends!"

"Go away!"

Well! he huffed and he puffed. He puffed and he huffed. And he huffed, huffed, and he puffed, puffed; but he could not blow the house down. At last he was so out of breath that he couldn't huff and he couldn't puff any more. Finally, he got the idea of entering through the chimney. So the wolf climbed up to the roof and held himself above the chimney before crawling inside.

"No, really! To show my sincerity I'll put my halberd down where you can see it and walk in empty-handed!"

"That sounds safe enough! We could use a man like him to compensate over my lack of masculinity," Liu Bei said.

"If he doesn't have his weapon I don't see the problem," Guan Yu said, and after making sure Lu Bu had laid his weapons down he opened the door. Lu Bu extended his hands to show that they were empty and walked in.

"Wait, doesn't Lu Bu know barehanded combat?" Zhang Fei asked.

Lu Bu grinned. "Yes."

But the little pigs were ready. They put a cauldron of boiling water in the fireplace, and when the wolf came through he fell into the cauldron and drowned.

"Wait, but there's only one of you. And there's three of us," Guan Yu said.

Lu Bu stopped. "Huh. Well, I didn't notice. But I do have the strength of ten thousand men," he asserted.

Liu Bei shook his head. "But each of us has the strength of five thousand men. That makes fifteen thousand men and more than you."

"Curses! I knew I should have taken basic arithmetic!" Lu Bu swore.

So the three brothers beat him up and sent him back to the capital.

And they lived happily ever after.

Guan Yu sighed as his head bumped the ceiling. "…We need a new house."