Michonne felt her full exhaustion hit her like a ton of bricks when she opened the door to her house in the Alexandria Safe Zone (ASZ). She sighed as she thought about the day she spent drifting away in a trance while sitting vigil at Carl's bedside. She now realized the image of Carl's body which looked like it had been drained by a soul sucking creature to almost the very last drop still lingered in her mind even as she walked into her home. She tried to shoo away the image by concentrating on the word 'almost' and let this word run through her mind until she felt deep in her aching core that the bit Carl had left would be enough to get her little monster to the other side of this horrible nightmare.
The house though fully furnished and heavily decorated seemed so empty and sparse to her.
'Only a few weeks ago this house felt so damn full.', she thought.
She closed her eyes and her mind wandered to the early days in the ASZ and she inhaled the smells of sweet applesauce and dark chocolate lingering throughout house after Carol just put a batch of her now famous cookies in the oven. She heard the hearty laughter of Noah and Carl after Noah caught Carl trying to cheat in a game of Gin Rummy when several cards Carl hid in his flannel shirt flew out of his sleeve and landed on the hardwood floors of the dining room with a loud splash. She saw Judith in her colorful polka dot playpen cooing in awe at the sight of actual toys as her little fingers fumbled and grabbed at a blonde haired rag doll and some red and green wooden blocks only to ditch them in the end for the familiar when Carl handed her a couple of cheap plastic cups and she crashed them together in excitement.
But now as Michonne's mind meander back to this very moment she opened her eyes to nothing. She knew there would be no coos tonight since she promised Maggie and Glenn they could look after Judith for the evening and no smell of fresh baked goods, as she reminded herself Carol decided to take a night watch shift at the ASZ gates. Michonne realized more than ever she hated the strangeness of this now dark empty house and thought maybe she made a mistake coming home for the night. She then remembered she only left Carl's bedside to check on Rick since he left the infirmary to get some air and never returned and she had felt uneasy after a while by Carl's bedside without him.
Michonne decided to check the house for Rick and discovered him on the burgundy sofa in the living room splayed out. She focused her eyes on his dangling pendulums of arms that swayed ever so slightly letting her know he's in fact not dead…he just looked it. She also noticed the bandages on his injured hand completely soaked with blood and little droplets had fallen on the beige rug beneath. She knew Rick had torn the stitches on his hand when they fought off a herd of ravenous walkers inside ASZ. She remembered when Dr. Cloyd told Rick to change the bandage more often since his hand started to show signs of infection.
Michonne wondered when Rick had last followed the doctor's orders and decided to get some new bandages to wrap his hand. She figured the last thing Rick needed on top of everything is to lose such an important appendage. Just the thought of Rick walking around without a right hand caused her to shudder and she hastened her steps to the spacious kitchen to get the first aid kit.
When she got back with the kit she took in a closer sight of a sleeping Rick and thought he looked so odd and realized she had not seen Rick sleep in days, not since Spencer's attempted coup to become leader of ASZ went sour and the bullet he fired out of his gun meant for Rick, the new leader of ASZ hit Carl's jugular. The image of a drowsy and exhausted Rick after he had gave as much blood as humanly possible to save his son flashed before Michonne's eyes as well as the defeated look on Rick's face after he gave everything but Carl still remain unresponsive.
Michonne decided she did not want to wake Rick from his first slumber in days so she would change his bandage as gently as possible and hope that he would not wake. She shook her head while looking at Rick in the same dirty white tee shirt and black pants he wore for days. She knew he showered but still he put on dirty clothes. Michonne stared at the small patches of the white bare skin of his legs peeking through the shallow holes in his pants while trying to comprehend why Rick would not let go of his torn and dirty clothes and embrace the new and clean ones given to them by ASZ residents like he did when they first arrived.
She became aware of her own exhaustion again and took off her boots and sat crossed legged on the now blood stain rug in her black leather pants and close fitted white tank top and cupped Rick's hand in hers and with a tender touch she used gauze to wipe away as much blood as she could. Michonne became frustrated when she realized she would not be able to get all the blood out the palm of his hand. Satisfied enough with her clean up job she checked the wounds and decided to skip using the rubbing alcohol on it since the sting could wake him but dabbed the last bit of ointment they had left in the tube on his knuckles' wounds since those needed it the most. Content with the looks of things she started to wrap the clean bandage around his hand in a soft and circular motion first around the palm and then between the fingers. She hoped it would be hold despite her gentle application. As she continued to wrap the bandage she felt an ache in her heart.
'I pushed for this place.', she thought.
She looked up from Rick's hand and took in Rick another time as he lied injured, in dirty clothes and completely exhausted and then thought of Noah the young man she saw so much good in who had his life taken away because of the stupidity of the people she lead everyone to believe they could trust and the ache grew. Then the image flashed before her of Pete, the husband and father with the crazed look in his eye using her katana to kill Reg and then of Rick executing Pete in front of the entire community with robotic like precision. She shook her head trying to rid herself of all these thoughts but then she saw the herd of walkers that swept through the community and heard the earth shattering screams and cries from Mrs. Neidermeyer, Jessie, Deanna, Ron, and Tobin after the herd overtook them and ripped and clawed the flesh from their bones. She looked down at Rick's pale white and calloused hand again and tried to make herself concentrate on the task at hand. Despite her fight, she let her mind slip again and she pictured a comatose Carl clinging to life after just finding some resemblance of it.
'How could this all have happened so fast?', she thought.
She remembered just a couple of weeks ago she found herself thinking of her son, Andre after seeing some young boys filled with glee playing soccer in the ASZ streets and hoping that wherever her son's soul maybe it had this same sort of peace. But now she felt this growing ache that started to travel from her heart to her gut and caused her to feel sick to her stomach. In a last ditch effort to control her emotions, she reminded herself she hadn't cried yet after any of it so why now… but then she had a sudden thought,
"I can't hold on any longer."
And she knew then filled to the brim with mixed emotions she would burst so she gave in and let it go and the tears streamed fast down her face. She allowed her lips to tremble and for her inaudible sob turn into a wale before she knew it she had allowed herself to release all of her repressed pain and guilt into a sound that started to fill the empty house around her to the point of complete reverberation. Then she looked down and realized she still held Rick's hand during all of this and decided its best she leave the room but then she heard a voice.
"Michonne?", Inquisitive and light in tone she heard Rick say her name.
Rick tried to force his eyes open after being woken by sobs and soft touches. He continued to force his eyes to focus by blinking them fast as he could and caught small flashes of Michonne's sorrowful face and he thought he'd maybe dreaming so he moved his loosely bandaged hand and placed the palm of it on the right side of Michonne's face.
'Is this real?', he thought.
He realized he thought this thought way too often especially since they arrived in the ASZ and felt caught in some surrealist painting of his past life. He watched Michonne's face relax into his hand and invite the touch like a reflex.
Michonne realized her face had given in to Rick's touch and took in a deep breath and the scents of his hand, blood stained and clammy filled Michonne with the smells of sweat and iron and she knew she couldn't back away. She had let the aroma almost tranquilize her and then she exhaled.
Rick saw that Michonne's tears that had welled up in eyes no longer lingered and only trails of the olds ones remained like tiny wet roads that started at her eyes and ended at her chin. He gave into the need to console her and locked eyes with her and then wiped away one of the trails on her face using only his thumb to follow it downward until it ended and then did the same with each individual one until all traces of her tears vanished. He knew he didn't need to look long to know why she had those tears. He knew the look of someone feeling immense guilt. He remembered the times he'd been there and thought to himself,
"I'm still there now."
Michonne noticed herself entranced by Rick's warm blue eyes as they told her stay so she decided to resist his gaze. She gave into her need to feel this, to feel something and but also gave into her need to be alone so she broke their minute long gaze and withdrew from Rick's touch and sat up from off the floor to make her exit. Just as she moved her sore sock covered feet she felt Rick's bandaged hand's tight grip on her right wrist digging into her rich dark brown skin and heard him wince in pain and say her name again
"Michonne."
The pain and pleading in his voice forced her to turn her head and look down at the broken man lying on the sofa. She watched Rick with his stiff muscles inch himself off the sofa without removing his damaged hand's grip from her wrist until he finally stood before her. Michonne watched Rick part his lips to speak and she tilted her head in anticipation for his words as he then scanned her body with his gaze first stopping at her lips and then landing on eyes and she wondered if he would ever speak. Finally, she heard him say,
"We can find a way, Michonne."
Rick found himself saying familiar words since he thought these were the only words that he heard of late that made any sense to him and they came from Michonne, the only person who made him feel any sense of security and he needed her to know that. He decided to pause after noticing Michonne's gaze drop. He seized this moment and took his hand off her wrist and used it as a gentle guide for her chin.
Michonne felt his warm guiding touch lift her chin up and obliged its instruction until she found herself back inside Rick's deep gaze and she waited. She heard him say with great conviction,
"If not, I'm always with you."
She watched his lips in full pout and trembling and saw them move in closer to hers. She took the cue, closed her eyes and moved her head forward until her full soft lips safely nestled themselves within his.
THE END