~Well, *Cough* my insane rambling fanfic, at last. Can you say, "Parodies galore?" I *was* gonna do bloopers, as the crowd over at the FF7 area likes 'em, but there's already a lot of bloopers over on this side of the site, so, I give you...~
Attack of Bob The Cucco!!!!!!!!
"La la la, la la la..." Guru-Guru sang happily, twisting the crank on his rather bizzare musical instrument, completely blissful over the fact that he had been deported from Termina and locked up in his windmill in Kakiriko Village.
Why was he deported, you ask?
Guru-Guru suddenly looked at the spinning wooden platform in the center of the windmill. "No, no! You're going much to slow today, my dear! Speed up, speed up, so that the well can be filled, lest we all perish!"
Need you really ask?
Anyways, he went back to his happy spinning and singing, completely unaware of the world around him, until a strange pecking sound became evident from behind the oddly suspicious door on an oddly suspicious platform in the oddly suspicious windmill...you get the idea.
So, Guru-Guru, not stopping the cranking for a moment, called out in a singsong voice, "Who are you? Who are you? La, la la la la la la!"
There was a moment's silence, then an enraged, "GAAAAWWWKKK!!!!!!!"
Guru-Guru grinned even wider, then sang out, "Master Gawk, you say? You say, indeed! Master Gawk, shall ye not join my merry merriness?"
Suddenly, the oddly suspicious rock door exploded, sending a rain of stone fragment into the windmill.
Staring silently for a moment, but not stopping his cranking, Guru-Guru's eyes got wider and wider, until he looked even more insane than he already was. His hand sped up on the crank, and he bellowed, "MY WINDMILL, SIR! YOU'VE DESTROYED MY WINDMILL!"
There was an indignant cluck, and suddenly a giant cucco flew through the demolished doorway and landed in front of Guru-Guru and clucked disapprovingly.
Guru-Guru screamed at the cucco for the space of a half hour, while the beast just stared at him placidly. Finally, Guru-Guru took off his shoe and hurled it at the bird.
The cucco let up a racaous cry, and suddenly leapt into the air and dive-bombed poor, insane Guru-Guru. In a moment, nothing was left of the unfortunate windmill man but the instrument, still cranking away on its own.
***
The cucco looked back at Kakiriko Village with evident satisfaction. All that was left of the once-prominent town was a few piles of smoldering rubble. There was no trace of the people, not even the spider-peoples.
The cucco clucked maniacly, then exited on its way to LonLon Ranch...
***
"Ooo, hello, mister cucco! What's yer name? I'd be Malon!" The red-haired girl chattered cheerfully.
The cucco cocked its head innocently for a moment, then replied, "My name's Bob. I just destroyed Kakiriko Village."
Not even pausing to consider the fact that most cuccos do not talk, Malon grinned. "Oh, isn't that nice! Would you like some friends, Mr. Bob? I have a ton of cuccos here, y'wanna meet them?"
Bob frowned. "Well...it would help me in my mission, I suppose. Bring me to the squadron, young missie."
Malon giggled and led him to the cucco shack. "Y'see, Mr. Bob, this is Henny, Penny, Tenny, Kenny, Lenny, Denny, Jenny, Benny, and Frank." She said, pointing to each cucco in turn.
Bob coughed, and waved a wing dismissively. "Indeed. Please leave us to plot our world domination, young, pretty, but slightly uneducated female Hylian."
Malon nodded, and walked to the doorway. As she reached for the doorknob, she suddenly turned around and grinned yet again, blushing. "Te-he, y'called me pretty!" And with that, she left.
Suddenly, Bob turned to the gaggle of cuccos and bellowed. "Fall into line, you yellow-bellied grain wallopers!"
They stared at him blankly.
"I said LINE UP!" Bob shrieked, flapping his wings madly.
"Durrr, why should we?" Frank asked slowly.
Bob walked up to him and smacked him with his wing. "Because I'm Bob, hatched the foster son of Dampe' the Gravedigger, hatched in the depths of a tomb during a storm on a stormy night! My egg was split by lighting itself!"
Frank smiled. "I like that. It reminds me of them Redwall books."
Bob smacked him. "Line UP!"
Wordlessly, but with much clucking, the cuccos ran into place and saluted their leader as best they could with such horribly short wings.
Bob marched up and down the line, doling out assignments. "Your mission is to attack anyone and everyone that harms a single cucco, understood? Frank- I want you to go to Gerudo Valley, far away from everyone else. The rest of you, go to Kakiriko Village and watch for suspicious activity! I have set up contacts with a young lady by the name of Anju there. Cuccos give her hives, but she'll take you in anyways. I will be roaming the top of the windmill. Go now!"
There was a loud rustle of wings, and the cuccos took off.
***
Humming the Hylian national anthem, which was actually 76 verses worshipping Princess Zelda, happily, a young boy clad in green walked into the newly rebuilt Kakiriko Village, and was met by the sounds of many cuccos.
"Ooo, Zelda, Princess Zelda, thy beauty un-match-ed through all the land... dream for me a prophecy, written in Hylia's sand..." He paused as he saw a chicken standing directly in his way.
"Hello, this will not do, for I am...emmm..." Quickly he took off his shirt and read the name scribbled inside on the designer tag. He put his shirt back on, and struck a heroic pose. "...For I am Link, the Hero of Time!"
And with that, he tried to get past the cucco, who stubbornly kept blocking his way, turning the incident into the ever-popular 'Get-Around-The-Person-In-The- Hallway-Dance.'
Finally, Link got so frustrated that he drew the Kokiri sword and, using it like a baseball bat, sent the cucco into orbit.
Instantly, a cry went up through the Village. "He killed Kenny!!!!!" The enraged poultry screamed, flying from their perches.
Bob sat on top of the windmill, and yelled orders, "Go for the head! Go for the head! Come on, Penny! Don't wuss out! ATTACK!"
It was the work of only a few minutes. All that was left of Link was a pair of boots, standing side-by-side at the gate to Kakiriko.
***
"Very good, troops! You'll never guess the news I received today..." Bob held his breath, waiting for someone to speak up to ask, but no one did, so he continued, albeit slightly annoyed. "Master Ganondorf wishes us to become his personal army! He believes we are the most destructive regiment throughout Hyrule!"
The cuccos stared at Bob blankly.
***
Bob was out for a midnight stroll along the bank of the Zora's River, muttering to himself about how stupid the other cuccos were, when suddenly a young female Zora came tearing around the corner.
"IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!!!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!" She shrieked, waving her arm fins wildly.
Bob cocked his head. "Young miss? Whatever is the matter?"
She turned her head sharply and regarded Bob. "Oh, it's just my dad."
Nodding slowly, Bob responded, "Ah. I understand."
Suddenly, the fish girl's eyes welled up with tears. "Oh, you're the sweetest little cucco I've ever seen!" She ran forward and hugged him tightly, causing him to gasp for breath. "My name's Ruto! Who are you?"
He tried to croak, "Bob," but couldn't; as the princess' grip was too tight. Just when he thought he was gonna pass out, she released her hold and looked up at the sky.
"Well, that's odd. A strangely-shaped shooting star, isn't it?"
Bob looked up, and a whimper escaped his beak.
"WOAH!!!!! That was some doozy of a whacker there!" Kenny yelled as he went hurtling back to earth.
There was a crack and a splat as he landed directly on top of Bob.
Ruto grimaced, then smiled and stood up. "Cheer up, cucco. Tomorrow will be a better day!" She flounced back towards Zora's Domain cheerfully.
Kenny climbed off of Bob, and looked at the slightly-flattened cucco. "Why, what are we going to do tomorrow, Bob?"
Bob pulled himself off the ground, glared, and said, "The same thing we do every day, Kenny. Try to take over the world!"
~The End- for now~
Attack of Bob The Cucco!!!!!!!!
"La la la, la la la..." Guru-Guru sang happily, twisting the crank on his rather bizzare musical instrument, completely blissful over the fact that he had been deported from Termina and locked up in his windmill in Kakiriko Village.
Why was he deported, you ask?
Guru-Guru suddenly looked at the spinning wooden platform in the center of the windmill. "No, no! You're going much to slow today, my dear! Speed up, speed up, so that the well can be filled, lest we all perish!"
Need you really ask?
Anyways, he went back to his happy spinning and singing, completely unaware of the world around him, until a strange pecking sound became evident from behind the oddly suspicious door on an oddly suspicious platform in the oddly suspicious windmill...you get the idea.
So, Guru-Guru, not stopping the cranking for a moment, called out in a singsong voice, "Who are you? Who are you? La, la la la la la la!"
There was a moment's silence, then an enraged, "GAAAAWWWKKK!!!!!!!"
Guru-Guru grinned even wider, then sang out, "Master Gawk, you say? You say, indeed! Master Gawk, shall ye not join my merry merriness?"
Suddenly, the oddly suspicious rock door exploded, sending a rain of stone fragment into the windmill.
Staring silently for a moment, but not stopping his cranking, Guru-Guru's eyes got wider and wider, until he looked even more insane than he already was. His hand sped up on the crank, and he bellowed, "MY WINDMILL, SIR! YOU'VE DESTROYED MY WINDMILL!"
There was an indignant cluck, and suddenly a giant cucco flew through the demolished doorway and landed in front of Guru-Guru and clucked disapprovingly.
Guru-Guru screamed at the cucco for the space of a half hour, while the beast just stared at him placidly. Finally, Guru-Guru took off his shoe and hurled it at the bird.
The cucco let up a racaous cry, and suddenly leapt into the air and dive-bombed poor, insane Guru-Guru. In a moment, nothing was left of the unfortunate windmill man but the instrument, still cranking away on its own.
***
The cucco looked back at Kakiriko Village with evident satisfaction. All that was left of the once-prominent town was a few piles of smoldering rubble. There was no trace of the people, not even the spider-peoples.
The cucco clucked maniacly, then exited on its way to LonLon Ranch...
***
"Ooo, hello, mister cucco! What's yer name? I'd be Malon!" The red-haired girl chattered cheerfully.
The cucco cocked its head innocently for a moment, then replied, "My name's Bob. I just destroyed Kakiriko Village."
Not even pausing to consider the fact that most cuccos do not talk, Malon grinned. "Oh, isn't that nice! Would you like some friends, Mr. Bob? I have a ton of cuccos here, y'wanna meet them?"
Bob frowned. "Well...it would help me in my mission, I suppose. Bring me to the squadron, young missie."
Malon giggled and led him to the cucco shack. "Y'see, Mr. Bob, this is Henny, Penny, Tenny, Kenny, Lenny, Denny, Jenny, Benny, and Frank." She said, pointing to each cucco in turn.
Bob coughed, and waved a wing dismissively. "Indeed. Please leave us to plot our world domination, young, pretty, but slightly uneducated female Hylian."
Malon nodded, and walked to the doorway. As she reached for the doorknob, she suddenly turned around and grinned yet again, blushing. "Te-he, y'called me pretty!" And with that, she left.
Suddenly, Bob turned to the gaggle of cuccos and bellowed. "Fall into line, you yellow-bellied grain wallopers!"
They stared at him blankly.
"I said LINE UP!" Bob shrieked, flapping his wings madly.
"Durrr, why should we?" Frank asked slowly.
Bob walked up to him and smacked him with his wing. "Because I'm Bob, hatched the foster son of Dampe' the Gravedigger, hatched in the depths of a tomb during a storm on a stormy night! My egg was split by lighting itself!"
Frank smiled. "I like that. It reminds me of them Redwall books."
Bob smacked him. "Line UP!"
Wordlessly, but with much clucking, the cuccos ran into place and saluted their leader as best they could with such horribly short wings.
Bob marched up and down the line, doling out assignments. "Your mission is to attack anyone and everyone that harms a single cucco, understood? Frank- I want you to go to Gerudo Valley, far away from everyone else. The rest of you, go to Kakiriko Village and watch for suspicious activity! I have set up contacts with a young lady by the name of Anju there. Cuccos give her hives, but she'll take you in anyways. I will be roaming the top of the windmill. Go now!"
There was a loud rustle of wings, and the cuccos took off.
***
Humming the Hylian national anthem, which was actually 76 verses worshipping Princess Zelda, happily, a young boy clad in green walked into the newly rebuilt Kakiriko Village, and was met by the sounds of many cuccos.
"Ooo, Zelda, Princess Zelda, thy beauty un-match-ed through all the land... dream for me a prophecy, written in Hylia's sand..." He paused as he saw a chicken standing directly in his way.
"Hello, this will not do, for I am...emmm..." Quickly he took off his shirt and read the name scribbled inside on the designer tag. He put his shirt back on, and struck a heroic pose. "...For I am Link, the Hero of Time!"
And with that, he tried to get past the cucco, who stubbornly kept blocking his way, turning the incident into the ever-popular 'Get-Around-The-Person-In-The- Hallway-Dance.'
Finally, Link got so frustrated that he drew the Kokiri sword and, using it like a baseball bat, sent the cucco into orbit.
Instantly, a cry went up through the Village. "He killed Kenny!!!!!" The enraged poultry screamed, flying from their perches.
Bob sat on top of the windmill, and yelled orders, "Go for the head! Go for the head! Come on, Penny! Don't wuss out! ATTACK!"
It was the work of only a few minutes. All that was left of Link was a pair of boots, standing side-by-side at the gate to Kakiriko.
***
"Very good, troops! You'll never guess the news I received today..." Bob held his breath, waiting for someone to speak up to ask, but no one did, so he continued, albeit slightly annoyed. "Master Ganondorf wishes us to become his personal army! He believes we are the most destructive regiment throughout Hyrule!"
The cuccos stared at Bob blankly.
***
Bob was out for a midnight stroll along the bank of the Zora's River, muttering to himself about how stupid the other cuccos were, when suddenly a young female Zora came tearing around the corner.
"IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!!!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!" She shrieked, waving her arm fins wildly.
Bob cocked his head. "Young miss? Whatever is the matter?"
She turned her head sharply and regarded Bob. "Oh, it's just my dad."
Nodding slowly, Bob responded, "Ah. I understand."
Suddenly, the fish girl's eyes welled up with tears. "Oh, you're the sweetest little cucco I've ever seen!" She ran forward and hugged him tightly, causing him to gasp for breath. "My name's Ruto! Who are you?"
He tried to croak, "Bob," but couldn't; as the princess' grip was too tight. Just when he thought he was gonna pass out, she released her hold and looked up at the sky.
"Well, that's odd. A strangely-shaped shooting star, isn't it?"
Bob looked up, and a whimper escaped his beak.
"WOAH!!!!! That was some doozy of a whacker there!" Kenny yelled as he went hurtling back to earth.
There was a crack and a splat as he landed directly on top of Bob.
Ruto grimaced, then smiled and stood up. "Cheer up, cucco. Tomorrow will be a better day!" She flounced back towards Zora's Domain cheerfully.
Kenny climbed off of Bob, and looked at the slightly-flattened cucco. "Why, what are we going to do tomorrow, Bob?"
Bob pulled himself off the ground, glared, and said, "The same thing we do every day, Kenny. Try to take over the world!"
~The End- for now~