Title – Mad Hatter
Genre – Romance/Drama
Pairings – KakaSaku, KakaSasu, KakaNaru
Warnings – Het, Yaoi, Bi, Foursome, Drug Use, Swearing
Rating – M
Summary – Prequel to We're All Mad Here. Kakashi's POV. He never cared for hats and he preferred coffee. But he wanted to attend the tea party anyway.
000
K1.
All I really care about is laughter,
Loyalty and having fun
It's a peaceful way of life
And I won't stop until it's done
They might think that I'm crazy
They probably think I'm drunk
But, baby cakes, I'm still sober
At least, until the mission's over
It was difficult being the mature one, the leader, the adult. There was always someone looking at you with some expectations. You were supposed to have answers and be the solution, not be part of the problem or worse, the cause of the problem.
Kakashi grimaced, slamming the glass of rum down on the counter. When did he get the brilliant idea to start drinking again? And why had he thought it was a good idea? Fuck, he should've never become a team leader. He thought he had been ready. He thought he could do it. In a way, he had done it. Sure, there had been a little drama, some disputes, a runaway bitch and a lot of ass-kicking, but the point was that he had managed to keep them alive. Somehow. That was something… right?
He swore and filled his glass up again. Why couldn't they have stayed kids? Why did they have to grow up? He practically raised them. He was a father figure to them. He should've felt like a father to them. It had been a long time since he had felt guilt like this. He had sworn he would never fall in love again. He wanted to grow old alone. Finally have some peace in his head. He needed that. He needed get his mind out of the gutter. He needed more alcohol. He needed weed and sex. Especially sex. Yeah.
Fuck, he was thinking about them again. What was wrong with him? Was it really so hard to not think about your students having sex? Was it normal to know that they were experimenting with drugs and drinking and not do anything about it? Fuck, that was a lie. He knew and didn't care. He hoped it would lead to… something. Whatever it was. He was losing them. Maybe that was it. Maybe he wasn't ready to be alone. Maybe he did want a family. Shit.
"I'm going to a bar." He muttered to himself. He drank another glass and turned to leave the kitchen. As he grabbed his apartment keys, his eyes landed on their team picture. He had two. The old one and a more recent one. He didn't like the new one.
He didn't like the way the light caught Sakura's eyes or the way the wind blew her skirt up to reveal toned legs like she was posing for a lover. He didn't like the cheeky smile on Naruto's face or how his new jumpsuit barely hid the broad shoulders underneath as if he knew how handsome he'd become. He didn't like the arrogance in Sasuke's stance or the way he held his hand to hip as if he was ready to undress. He didn't like that he wasn't in it.
He hated the photo.
Guess I'm an odd one
Sometimes the smart one
Oh, but I'm a hard one
Always the lost one
The last one
K2.
I never asked for anyone's pity
Never wanted their advice
I love my wicked city
And I'm willing to pay the price
Maybe this makes me stupid
But I don't need no one to fix it
She was the dumbest person he had ever met, but she was sexy and eager. Besides, he didn't feel like having deep conversations with someone he was never planning on seeing again. He smiled at her as she started giggling over something he said. For once, he was happy Konoha had turned into a gathering place for shinobi groupies. Easier to get laid.
She had green eyes, but they weren't quite… right. He would've preferred a lighter shade. Mint green. Her dark hair was a mess. It stuck up in the back reminding him of someone he shouldn't be thinking about right now. He gripped the beer bottle angrily. And that high-level enthusiasm…
Fuck. Fucking fuck.
He knew what he was doing. But he would fuck her anyway. She was the fifth one in less than three days. They always had something that made him think of them. This wasn't healthy.
K3.
Guess I'm an odd one
Never the number one
Oh, but I'm a tough one
Sometimes the strong one
The wrong one
"You're not making sense." Kakashi rubbed his face tiredly.
Sasuke glowered at him. "I had nowhere else to go. I need advice."
"Since when do you need advice?" What was that bitch doing here? He had chased away his date. Fucking cunt.
"Naruto's hit rock bottom."
Kakashi flinched. He's not the only one, he thought darkly. "What happened? Did he run around Konoha hallucinating?"
"He confessed to me." Sasuke squirmed in seat. It wasn't obvious. Someone without a trained eye for detail would've missed it. He was angry. Uncomfortable. It was an amusing sight. He liked seeing the bitch look troubled. But not at Naruto's expense.
"Did he?" Kakashi replied. Then it sunk in. "He what now?"
"He invited me out for a drink and told me he loved me." The bitch snapped.
Kakashi blinked at him and exhaled shakily. He knew. Of course, he knew. He had hoped that Naruto would climb back up with his own strength. He had prayed the other two would know what to do if he didn't. He had been in the process of trying to let them go. Yes, he wanted to abandon them as cruel as it sounded. Because… he couldn't handle it. He couldn't take the chaos, the drama, them in general. The bitch sitting in front of him in particular. He had thought Naruto would've been the least of his concerns. Fuck it all.
"If we're going to have this conversation I'd rather not be sober."
Taking out the weed had been a bad idea. Probably the worst idea he had ever had. At least he knew, to some extent, how to manage regular Sasuke. He had no idea what to do with the bitch now that he was high. Especially since he was high too.
Kakashi took a long drag from the joint and stared, leaning back in his chair. He couldn't blame the girls for falling head over heels for Sasuke. He was gorgeous. He'd been pretty back then. He was beautiful now. Even as he ranted completely out of character about how Naruto infuriated him while stuffing his face with snacks.
Was he a virgin? Had he already fucked Sakura? Or maybe Naruto was the one who got into his pants first? Is that what started all this? Or maybe he'd screwed them both and Kakashi was next in line. He laughed lazily. Wishful thinking.
"You." Sasuke turned to him, cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk. He swallowed the peanut snacks with the help of some beer. "Your job is to guide us. You're supposed to keep us in line! Where were you when this was happening?"
He'd never seen anyone get so high and still be able to get angry. Kakashi hung on to that thought so he wouldn't snap. Bitch had no right talking to him like that. None of this would've happened if he had just kept his ass in Konoha. Probably. Most likely. Maybe.
Kakashi sighed. "You think I have an answer for everything?"
"I need you to have an answer right now." Sasuke's eyes were blazing with emotion. He'd never seen him like that. He would've never believed the bitch could be any more beautiful than he was. But seeing that raw emotion on the usually stoic brat was exhilarating.
Fuck. This was dangerous. He should've never let him in. Why hadn't he just thrown him out? Why wasn't he throwing him out now? He should stop. Sasuke was a student. He was still underage. He was supposed to be with Sakura or Naruto or both of them. Not him. He was old, damaged beyond repair. He wasn't stupid enough to believe that three teenagers could save him. He wasn't dumb enough to think that Sasuke of all people was capable of turning those diminished lights inside of him back on.
"More weed?"
But he would fuck him anyway.
You crafty little bitches
Do I look like I'm desperate?
Do I seem like the one
Who wants a fucking exit
Who needs an excuse to be this hectic
This crazy and chaotic
K4.
Kakashi watched the two walk by his window. Sakura and Sasuke going to visit Naruto in rehab. What a cute couple. He should've never touched him. He knew it wouldn't change anything. Why had he been so stupid?
He took a sip of his coffee, forget it was laced with whiskey and flinched. He dropped the cup and stared at his shaking hands. Why was this affecting him so much? He knew this was going to happen. It should've stuck to him the moment Naruto had burst through his front window. Yelling and screaming, pointing fingers, accusing him of stealing.
It had been funny at the time. He had laughed and pulled Sasuke closer, challenging the blonde to a fight. Didn't realize how desperate he must have felt. But Naruto hadn't taken a single step closer. His eyes had gone wide in horror and sorrow. The cackling pain in his chest had been his final warning. His last chance to turn around and abandon his precious students before…
Kakashi touched his cheeks. He was crying. He wanted to scream and break everything in sight. He wanted to run after them and call their names. He wanted to chase them down and chain them to his bed. He grabbed the photos on his table and threw them against the wall. The sound of shattering glass did nothing but increase his anxiety. He could barely even hear it over the beating of his heart.
… they were leaving him behind.
But since you're so persistent
Perhaps I should sit down and listen
Maybe I do need a little fixing
All I have left is you
My life has been unkind
So, please, don't leave me behind
I want to go to wonderland too…