" How many people have you lost ?" Ashildr asked, it was late now, around 5am earth time but they couldn't sleep for some reason. They both seemed in a state of contemplation and it was the first time either of them had spoken in a while.
" I don't mean like family, I just mean in general, on your travels with the Doctor"
" I don't know" Clara said numbly as tears began to roll down her cheeks.
" The problem is that humanity get attached to people too easily, I forgive you and I shouldn't. We just forgive people because it's easier, we as a race are so weak. We are so afraid of pain, loneliness, any kind of discomfort"
" Are you ok ?"
" No, no I'm really not. I have lost my best friend, I am with a person who had a big part to play in him being separated from me. He was the only person I lived for and even he was horrible to me for a time, but again humanity being weak, I clung to him and now he's gone, I don't know what to do"
" You could die"
" Yeah I could but again we don't do that easily. Why am I here ? To crave more joy in my life because the pain doesn't matter, no I'll get more joy in my life"
" You say that like its a bad thing"
" Because it is, what if I don't get my joy again ? You haven't"
" Not overall bit in moments yeah"
" Exactly, do you look back over your life and feel happy ? No you don't, you look back and resent the Doctor for making you this way. I dare say you wouldn't die even if you could"
" But people do die Clara, suicide increases"
" When you can't escape the pain yeah, when you haven't got a chance or you feel like you haven't"
" So you do then ?"
" I've got you haven't I ? I'm just saying that this entire thing is wrong, I shouldn't be here with you. I should be angry with you or I shouldn't be here at all, I should be dead"
" Don't say things like that" Ashildr frowned.
" You can't say it's not true, you can't" Clara rubbed her eyes.
" Fuck I'm tired, I didn't think I'd get tired"
" I don't know how it works"
" Me neither, that's a common theme. I've spent the last few years of my life barely knowing what's going on"
" Does it bother you ?" Clara shrugged.
" I don't know, it didn't at the time but yeah it probably does now. At the time I was just so high on adrenaline that nothing mattered"
" That's really dangerous"
" Yeah, it was" Clara smiled sadly.
" But it was amazing, the best time of my life. I can't ever beat that"
" Then why are you trying to ?"
" I might love more than I have before, that's a different kind of joy"
" With me ?" Ashildr queried.
" Probably yeah"
" That would be nice" Ashildr aimed a smile in Clara's direction, Clara smiled back but tears rolled down her cheeks again. She shuffled across the floor and lay her head on Ashildrs shoulder, she placed her arm over Ashildrs stomach and gripped her hand.
" Hello" She said weakly.
" Hey there Clara" Ashildr smiled and kissed the top of her head.
" I promise I will never intentionally hurt you"
" Good, well this day has been horrific"
" I am sorry Clara, this shouldn't have happened to you. You just got caught in the spitfire"
" I know, I know. Can we go to bed now please ?"
" The same bed ?" Clara nodded.
" Sure, we've been sat on this floor for hours" Clara stood up, clicked her neck and stretched her arms out in front of her. Ashildr did the same.
" I think my legs are asleep" Ashildr hit them both and then yawned.
" Yeah bed is calling I think"
They both fell asleep virtually as their heads hit the pillow. Clara snored contently and draped her hand over Ashildrs stomach. Ashildrs mouth parted slightly as she breathes deeply, holding Clara's hand tightly.
Somehow, they'd be okay. There was always hope after after all.