His heart raced and thundered in his chest, the crisp cotton sheets clung to his semi-naked body and something inside seemed to snap back to a place that he had forgotten ever existed. With the tick-tocking of his alarm clock beating in his brain, he felt like death itself had come knocking on his door. For a moment he thought of dashing up to open it; to face things head on, the way he always did.
All but once… a very long time ago, when he was different; when his world was different, when things were smaller and the little things mattered so much more. It wasn't the knowing of places that made the world grow, it was about knowing the space in between those places and those people. Somehow distance grows when you are parted from someone that matters to you… the more they matter… the farther the distance between the separate worlds you inhabit can grow.
The more space between lovers, the stronger the ache in their hearts. Then somehow when the actions don't fit the emotions, and the doubts turn to regret… then the expanse can go on forever and you are forever wondering, wanting and missing what could have been.
Jack woke screaming, with wretched and violent gasps breaking through the tears that unconsciously streamed down his cheeks. How could it have come back to that? Teri had been the shadow that walked with him for years now; but once, a very long time ago, she was the only light in his dark and haunted mind.
She had rescued him, given him back the normal life that other happy people took for granted. Teri had given him the sunshine and the stars and their beautiful daughter and he thought she'd taken away those dark shadows that kept him from sleep in the wee hours of the morning and made him afraid to walk alone at night unarmed. He thought that she had gone from his memory, but there she was again; and her cold dark eyes looked into him as though he were crazy to think that she had ever really left.
Jack rocked back and forward slowly hugging his knees to his chest and shivering. Thank goodness Kim was with Chase tonight; he had put her through enough pain in her young life, she didn't need to see her father in this state again. It had been months since he last broke down; and several months before that instance on his birthday, when it stopped being commonplace. Kim thought he was over the guilt and the pain of losing his wife. She thought that Kate and Claudia had eased his suffering a little; helped him back on the road to recovery. Despite this fact that, he was now single again and she was about to be married.
A few more nights and she would be on her honeymoon… Chase was giving up field work, to honour his promise to Jack and keep the only woman in the world who mattered to either of them, safe and happy forever. A few more nights and Jack wouldn't have to worry about being heard or caught in the act. He wouldn't have to worry about the pain… this new pain… this ancient pain that wouldn't and couldn't ever leave.
She had told him what she feared, cried to him that it was going to be really bad and he'd told her she was being silly. How could he have been so insensitive, so blind and stupid not to see? He should have seen those sorts of things, it was his job… it was what he'd worked so hard to do for years and at that first test he'd failed. He'd failed the one person that mattered, that could have been something…
Now everyday that passed he made sure things like that couldn't happen again… he worked harder than anyone else at CTU because he needed to. Not because of some wondrous work ethic or addiction to the place, but because he had to. He had to be in control and he had to be able to see what was coming; he couldn't afford to be so blind again.
He hadn't been there for Teri either? Why did he fail when it mattered most? How could he lose another piece of his heart like that and be expected to recover? Trying was only ever for someone else. For appearances sake he got up and dressed well, smelt good, and mostly, looked after himself. Inside he felt as though the pain ate away at his insides until he was a muddle of guts and blood swimming around together, and barely functioning on the power of that stunted heartbeat.
Gerry's little sister was a sweet natured girl, despite her penchant for a rather intimidating style of dress and attitude. He was seven years older than her and he'd known her since she was just a little girl. He knew her like he knew his own sisters, but there was something different about Penny… she was something else. She was always more to him. He loved her, but as teens there was never a physical attraction; no lust or desire. There wasn't even much of a friendship. Mostly she would just tease him.
Jack turned over in bed to stare out of his full length window at the garden beyond. It was lit only by the sparkle of the moon between the sycamores and reminded him of a time when nothing really mattered, nothing but the magnificent future that lay ahead of him, now that he could make his own way in the world.
He remembered the day he got accepted into the police department; he'd come around to show off to Gerry in his uniform and she'd opened the door in her baggy sweater and a pair of cut-off jeans. Her face hid the emotion she felt as she realised it was him and that he'd made his dreams come true finally, after all that chattering with Gez.
"Hey Jacky boy, you come over to play with your handcuffs?" she smirked before swinging the door back and walking into the kitchen. He followed her and watched as she walked on her tip toes on the cool tiled floor. Her toe nails freshly painted with black lacquer and the little birth mark on her left ankle catching the rays of sunlight as he closed the front door.
"You always this funny, Pen or have you been sniffing too much polish?" She spun around and gave him a sly smile. He'd never known if she even liked him back then. She loved her brother and at first she'd been really bitchy with Jack for taking away her playmate. But she was no longer nine years old… she'd be seventeen in a couple of weeks.
He closed his eyes and tried to recall the first time he'd looked at her that way. It hadn't been a new thing to him at that point and he clearly remembered a day before that; when he had gazed across at her on the window sill, while he and Gerry watched the game and drank their Dad's beer.
She wore a pale green dress and her fingers were free from the usual garnish of silver jewellery. Jack had never seen her look so pretty. He was jealous as hell when her date arrived to take her to the school dance, but he would never let on, especially in front of his best friend. He watched as she twirled her frilly dress around her slender hips and her date smiled at her lasciviously.
"I'm going now Gez, don't wait up!" she smirked as the guy helped her with her coat. Jack tried not to look as he brushed his dirty looking finger nails across the swell of her breast. When she caught his eye, he'd looked away embarrassed and she'd teased him ever since.
"She isn't going to stay out with him is she?" Jack asked of his friend, when she had closed the door. Gerry just sneered at Jack and thrust another bottle of beer into his hand.
"What the hell does it matter, she's probably having it with half the boys in school by now; you've seen the way she dresses. If Mom was still alive she'd tan her hide."
"Doesn't your Dad take any notice?" Jack asked as he closed his lips around the neck of the bottle and threw his head back to take a swig of the homebrew and hopefully forget the sensations he was feeling inside.
"You kidding Jack; he gives a shit, about as much as your Pop does about you. Why do you think I have to look out for her all the time? I had to sign her report card again last week; she's failing math really badly and Pop would go crazy…"He shook his head and looked at his friend like something strange had appeared on his face.
"Anyway, why all this talk about Pen? There's a game on, man. Or had you forgotten why you came over?" Jack knew why he'd come over and he wasn't going to tell Gerry even if he beat it out of him. In fact if he told him, he probably would beat him.
Jack lay back on his bed and wiped the drying tears from his eyes. Why had she come back to him now? What made it seem like only yesterday? He had to stop taking the methadone, it wasn't helping anymore. It was a poor substitute. Like Claudia and Kate and…
'No I can't dredge all this back up again, not now.' Jack thought pulling on a t-shirt and walking down to the kitchen for a drink. What an appalling choice of words.
The house was dark and empty, Kim wasn't around to fill it with her excitement and the joy she was feeling about her future. Jack ran his hand over the maroon silk tie that hung with the rest of his suit on the closet door. His fingers tingled at the feeling the texture awoke in him and his head felt like it was swimming with heroin, and with her. The times when he felt excited about his future had long passed now. Remembering Penny again made him feel as though he had never really got what he dreamed of at all.
"No! Gez don't be ridiculous, you can't do it… I hate Johnny… how can he…" The door bell rang and interrupted Penny's wrath and as the door opened she saw Jack and sighed. "Don't you dare tease me tonight Jack Bauer or I'll so kick your ass!"
"What… what did I do?" he asked Gerry as he invited him in and pushed the door shut behind them.
"Nothing, man; forget it, she's just cut up because her boyfriend jilted her on prom night." Jack looked on where she rushed up the stairs and the glimpse he'd caught of her face as she shouted at him, popped back into his head. She was crying.
Penny hardly ever cried. He'd liked her for it when they were younger; having a nine year old following around like a lost puppy was ridiculous for two sixteen year old boys; but Jack wasn't as bothered as her brother, Penny was fun, bad fun; the kind of fun that would get you cautioned by the police… but she never failed to make him laugh. He felt sorry for her, but she'd just hit him if he offered to take her… wouldn't she?
"Why did he drop her?" Jack asked, even though Gerry was already sneaking his Pop's whiskey and forgetting about the little disturbance. Gerry shrugged.
"I don't know, the other chick would put out, had a better dress… wasn't such an obnoxious little bitch." Jack frowned.
"Why are you always so awful to her, Gerry? She thinks you're the bee's knees and all you ever do is call her names and say that she…"
"Why do you care, Jack?" Gerry responded with spite, "You never used to want her around either… hey, why don't you take her? She loves you in that prissy uniform of yours, why don't you take her to the ball prince charming!" Jack was hurt by his friend's hostility and embarrassed by the fact that he actually wanted to take him up on the offer. As it happened he didn't have the chance to give it much thought.
"Would you Jack, please?" Penny said softly, with her head hanging over the banisters half way up the staircase. Jack looked at her sorrowful face and the honesty in her eyes… the desperation. "Everyone will tease me so bad if I don't go and…" She sighed. "Oh what does it matter, they will all laugh at me anyway. Johnny is taking princess cheer-bitch Ally Jenkins. I am never going to look as good as her even if I go to the dance with a real man."
Being referred to that way made Jack feel uncomfortable. He'd only ever been one of the boys, one of her brother's mates; almost like a brother himself… but now he was…"
"Go on Jack, be a real man and take lil sis to the prom. You know how much she loves you!" Gerry taunted.
"Shut up, Gez! Why are you always so mean lately? I used to think you were cool, but since you started seeing Arty…" Her face went white and she froze silent as a statue.
Gerry looked madder than he'd ever been in his life. Jack had no idea his best friend was gay. He had never been particularly perceptive about people's emotions; but shit, this was his best mate! How could he not have known something like that? He looked at Gerry in surprise and his mouth fell slightly open.
"I'm sorry Gez it just came out… I… I thought Jack knew. I…" Gerry glared at his sister angrily. There was a fire in his eyes that scared Penny enough to make her step back as he got closer to her.
"Of course Jack doesn't know you idiot… You know how I… God you are such a stupid little bitch, Penny. You never see anything do you? You don't think before you speak and you…"
He shook his head as though what was inside was too painful to try and explain, and then he was out of the door so fast that neither of them had a chance to think of something to say, let alone say it.
"He's going to kill me." Penny sobbed after the door slammed shut and the shock of the ferocity in her brother caused her to tremble and cry once more.
"No he won't. Don't be silly!" Jack said reassuringly. "He'll get over it. I don't care who he goes out with, and hell my sister's gay it's not like I'd judge…"
"Which one?" Penny said with a stunned look on her face. A chuckle escaped Jack's lips before he moved to wipe a tear from her unblemished cheek and take her arm. "What are you doing?" She asked, embarrassedly pulling away from him.
"Taking you to the prom. That is if you still want to go." She looked into his gorgeous blue green eyes and smiled shyly.
For a moment Jack saw what she always tried to hide. She was such a sweet girl underneath all the hype. She came across as being so sure of herself, so independent; but she was soft on the inside and the fact that this facet of her personality was rarely seen, made it all the more attractive to Jack Bauer. His heart pounded and he willed himself to hide any obvious examples of his feelings. All that he gave away was his usual shy smile.
Penny loved the way he would glance away to the left and his cheek would scrunch up a little as he got embarrassed and chewed on the inside of his lower lip. He thought he was hiding his feelings but she'd been able to tell how he felt for years now. He was so cute when he tried to hide it though; she didn't have the heart to tell him that she was on to him.
He gave her a ride to his place, a little apartment on the east side of town and went inside to change his clothes.
"I'd ask you in but…" Again his face scrunched up and his left incisor caught a chunk of flesh from the inside of his mouth. "Well it's not a big place and I have to change and well the bathroom door doesn't lock and…"
Penny laughed and pushed him out of the way so she could slide out of his Chevy to the sidewalk with him.
"Oh Jack, you are so silly. I've seen your butt before you know; we did used to go skinny dipping at the creek almost every weekend for like… years." Jack blushed and tried to turn away from the streetlamp that was inconveniently lighting his bashful expression.
"Yeah but its different now isn't it?" he said trying to stop his voice from trembling and his legs turning to jelly. Hell maybe this wasn't such a great idea. How was he going to dance with her at the prom when he was finding it uncomfortable standing up straight?
"Why Jack, we are still friends aren't we? Or do you have to hate me, because Gerry does?" She pursed her lips together and batted her eyelashes at him. He knew she was faking the upset, but he could never resist that look.
"I could never hate you, Pen. You are like a…" Could he really lie to her like that? It used to be that he felt as though he was just another big brother to her, but somewhere along the line things had changed and although he couldn't pinpoint exactly where, he knew that he couldn't tell her that.
"I don't want to be your sister, Jack. I never wanted you as another older brother. I don't watch Gerry's ass jumping off that old tire swing!" She gave him a look that should have been criminal in someone so young and he felt himself sigh under his breath.
"Penny… I'm too old for you. You should be going out with boys your own age, not someone… not…" but she was stroking his arm and the hairs on the back were rising up for her gentle caress. "Penny, we shouldn't…"
But what she was doing felt so good and Jack's mind was wandering to places he rarely let it take him. Back to the window sill; to his acceptance to the police department, to the creek. It was her sixteenth birthday that it had last happened. She had got drunk with him after Gerry passed out on the living room floor and they had dared each other to go out to the creek through the gate at the bottom of the garden.
To this day he could remember how she had undressed in the moonlight and joined him naked in the water as he shivered.
"It's not as though it didn't happen before. Remember Jack?" Of course he remembered. He was almost twenty-four and although he'd had sex a few times, his girlfriend had been too shy to let him see her completely naked. Penny was the first girl he'd held like that and the water was clear enough to give him a good look at what he was holding onto as their mouths pressed together.
"That shouldn't have happened either. Gerry would kill me if he knew what we did…" Jack protested and pulled his arm away to go into the house. He knew she wouldn't wait outside and he propped a chair against the bathroom door while he changed into his suit.
"Careful Jack, I almost saw a little bit of thigh there." Penny teased through the cheap pine door. He came out with his shirt front undone and tucked into his pants. He was having trouble with the tie because his fingers were trembling so much.
"God, you men are useless. Come here and let me do it or the prom will be over before we even get there!" She watched his face as her dainty fingers fastened the buttons on his shirt one at a time and slowly, considering she claimed they were in a hurry. He was mesmerised by her once again and he shivered as her warm skin brushed the curly hairs on his chest. Could he really keep denying those feelings?
Jack took the carton of milk from the refrigerator and wandered into the lounge room to watch the sun begin to shine into their yard. Why was the memory so painful? It had been over twenty years and he'd suffered far more times since then… how could Penny break his heart again now?
The phone rang beside him and shattered his concentration.
"Hello Bauer residence." He said in a croaky voice.
"Jack?" The voice on the other end was barely more than a whisper.
"Kim, honey is that you? I can barely hear you, are you…?"
"Why didn't you come for me, Jack?" said the tiny voice. "I needed you, I loved you, Jack. You should have believed me…" Jack sat up and put the phone to his good ear.
"Who is this? If this is some joke…" he said in irritation.
"You forgot me so easily; I thought we were special together… I know I was more to you than you let on…"
"Penny?" His voice fractured on her name and his breath caught in his throat causing him to cough. Once he managed to clear the tickle with a gulp of milk the line was dead.
When it was over he wondered if it had ever rung in the first place. How could it have… how could he have been talking to Penny after all this time? It was just a trick of his mind, a weird dream or hallucination. He lay back and drained the last of the milk, letting the empty carton drop onto the coffee table as his arm grew tired of holding it.
They'd made quite the entrance that night. He had no doubt that she was pleased to have him on her arm as they walked into a room full of her classmates. He'd watched as they gave them the once over and he'd held Penny close when Johnny and Ally Jenkins came to dance beside them. He was the perfect date, the prefect gentleman and she looked so happy.
Afterwards he had driven her home and walked her to the door, wearing his jacket over her red silk dress. She looked so gorgeous and the way she moved in the moonlight… he was desperate to kiss her goodnight.
"Thank you, Jack. I had a lovely evening. It was very kind of you to pretend to be my boyfriend for the night… everyone was so jealous. The looks on their faces…"
"I'm glad I could help…" He said with a touch of hurt in his voice that most people wouldn't have been able to pick out. Penny heard it though. She heard it and felt guilty immediately.
"The only way it could have been improved was if you weren't pretending."
His face changed right away. He looked like he would run away for a second and then he moved a little closer, so close that she could smell the warm musk of his aftershave. They had been closer that night; when they danced and she had her head on his shoulder, her cheek to the curve of his neck, and her breath tickling his ear and making his heart pound in his chest.
He took the lapels of his coat and gently pulled her towards him, his eyes closing as her lips were only a fraction of an inch from his own. He sucked her top lip into his own and opened his eyes to see how she reacted. Her eyes were shut tight and an almost pained expression appeared on her face.
"Do you want me to stop, Pen?" he asked anxiously.
"No." She mumbled into his warm lips, "Never again."
He pulled away to look at her, surprised by her response to him. It was the same little girl he'd known for so long, but the voice was that of a young woman in love and he could barely believe he was hearing it, let alone that he was feeling the same after all these years.
"Penny, do you want me to kiss you? I don't want to do anything wrong and have you regret it… we are too good as friends…"
"Jack, you fool! I've wanted you to kiss me since I was twelve years old, I love you Jack Bauer. I always have done."
Jack felt like he was choking; the lump in his throat felt as though someone very strong had him in a head lock and he could barely breathe. Remembering hurt too much. All the pictures in his mind seemed far too perfect, there were none of the fights and the times she'd told him to go to hell… now she was gone, there were only the regretful memories. The ones he'd been so desperate to hold onto, even when he'd proposed to Teri… he couldn't let Penny go.
There had been a young girl at the back of the church; one of Teri's distant cousins he presumed. But to his eyes as he walked by with his bride, he could have sworn that it was Penny. He asked Teri who she was and looked out for her over his new wife's shoulder all evening, but she never returned. He thought he'd stopped looking for her.
Now it seemed he'd never really let her go at all. She was still there as strong as ever in his mind and his heart felt as though it had been torn open to show what was, and had always been, at its core.
There had been a noise in the house and Penny was scared that her father would catch them, but neither she nor Jack wanted it to end like that. They had both known that if they didn't take it forward that night, they may never have the courage to take that path again.
"I'll go in and say goodnight, then go to my room. Go park the Chevy round the block and come round to my bedroom window… you know which one right?" Jack smiled and shook his head.
"Hell Penny, you guys have lived here your whole lives, don't you remember the time you caught me and Gerry on the kitchen roof trying to spy on you?" She laughed and hushed him with her finger to her soft plump lips.
"Someone will hear you!" she laughed softly and it filled him with love for her. Just hearing the way her breath faltered as she shyly remembered the fight she'd put on when she caught him.
"I almost broke my leg that day. I couldn't walk right for weeks!" She stroked her hand over his chest and gazed up into his eyes. "I thought you'd never speak to me again."
"I was just scared that you wouldn't have liked what you saw, I was never a beautiful girl like Ally Jenkins… or that girl you dated last year, what was her name? Paula?"
"Pam. You are way more beautiful to me, than she ever was, Penny." He corrected her with a gentle squeeze of her hand.
"Oh yeah, Spamela. That was it." She teased and he frowned at her and wrinkled his brow. "You should go; come around the back for me in half an hour." He nodded and leant in to kiss her again tenderly.
Jack replaced his carton of milk with a bottle of whiskey and went into the den. He stumbled and cursed as he tripped on a box of Kim's table decorations for the wedding. He flicked on the desk lamp to discover he'd cut his foot and dropped back into the armchair in the window to inspect the wound.
The blood felt sticky on his fingers and too many memories came flooding back to him. It wasn't normal to have so much blood on one's hands. How many people had died in his arms since he started work with the LAPD back in '82? Too many to name, that's for sure; and how many of those deaths were his fault?
Penny had gone into her house that night to find her elder brother waiting for her. He'd heard every single word that she'd said to Jack and he wasn't happy about the situation at all. Jack would never know what happened when he left her porch that night. Speculation and breaking protocol to discover the facts, would never tell him what really happened as he had wandered dizzily to his car and sat there for thirty minutes tasting her on his lips and feeling giddy with the first blushes of passion.
"You just had to do it, didn't you? You knew how I felt and you had to…" Gerry spat at his little sister, while holding her upper arm tightly.
"I'm sorry Gerry I thought Jack knew you were gay… he's your best friend and you guys are really close… I thought you…"
"You thought what? You think you know everything. You think you can have anything you want, don't you Penny? You get all the attention… poor little Penny, lost her mommy and is left with her miserable father and that useless brother of hers."
Penny tried to correct him, to stop him belittling himself that way when she knew none of it was true.
"Jack's the only one who listens to me, who doesn't judge me and he never knew I was gay because… Shit, Penny I hate you so much. How could you take him from me? Why do you have to take everything I want? Why do you…"
He was shaking her hard and his fingernails cut into her arms as he cried and screamed at her that she was the most awful person in the world.
"I didn't know that was how you felt about Jack. Gerry please stop, you are hurting me… Gez please…" She sobbed as she saw that same fire burning in his eyes as earlier that night when she'd asked Jack to be her date.
"You hurt me, Penny. Every time you tease him and try to get his attention, every time you make him want you and… then you do that. You kiss him like that." Her brother was mad as hell now and she tried to prise his hands away from her arms. She pulled away as much as she could, but each time she thought she had almost got free of his grip he grabbed her tighter until his hands were around her throat.
"You shouldn't have done it, Penny. I hate you so much. He has been my friend for so long and I wanted… that should have been me…"
Penny gasped for air and Gerry just saw red. "You took him away from me and then you…you do that! Did you enjoy it, bitch? Well did you?"
But Penny couldn't breathe, her head was swimming and no longer with the thrill of a new love. She tried to speak, tried to call out…
"Jack!"
Her final words just made her brother madder than ever. Any hope of her coming around was gone as he squeezed the life from her in his anger and rejection.
Jack walked around to the window and climbed the wall to creep up to her room. His heart felt light and his blood burned in his veins as he imagined what the night held ahead of him. It had probably been the happiest moment of his life, to that point.
Penny was already dead.
Jack leafed through the file on his desk. The images inside were painful. The explanations of her murder of the suggested causes were too agonizing to go into again. No one knew the real reason it happened; Gerry killed himself before he could be arrested. Jack would have killed him himself if not; and he'd never forgive his friend after what he had done. Gerry loved Jack but Jack would never love him and he could never stop loving Penny.
Jack took his wallet from his jacket pocket and took out the photo of his daughter and her mother. The smiles were hard to come by these days, even for Kim. She was such a beautiful woman now and she was so happy with Chase. How he wished he still had that kind of joy in his life. He took out a second picture; tattered and creased from too much handling and tried to hold back the tears as he looked upon her face.
"Oh please, Jack. Just let us have one picture together. It's prom night… I'm supposed to remember this night forever."
Jack would remember that night for the rest of his life. There wasn't a day that passed, when he didn't think of her at least once. Though, with Teri around, it was easier to just remember the happy times. His youth; that time we all look back on and smile; it was all with her. Penny was what came before everything and it stayed that way throughout his twenty years of marriage and the few girlfriends he'd dated since the death of his wife. Every morning when he turned over in bed; for a second, he thought she'd be there beside him. Penny would be there ready to tease him for snoring too loudly or dribbling on his pillow and the world would be a brighter place.
The photo that he held in his hands now; those hands that had held her and stroked her silky skin before they wore the blood of hundreds of criminals and victims alike, while he tried to make amends, had been floating beside her half naked body when he found her.
Gerry should have paid Jack's ambitions more attention and maybe his attempts at hiding his crime wouldn't have been so fool hardy. There was no way that Penny had drowned, the finger marks around her throat and the lack of pond water in her lungs meant she had died long before she was stripped and dropped into the water to fit with the cover story. Was Gerry trying to blame Jack for the murder?
It didn't matter. In California, you got the gas chamber for murder. That night Jack would have been happy to go to sleep and be with her again in another world. But Gerry couldn't even leave him with that compensation.
Jack had crept to her window and tapped on the glass before pushing it open and finding her note.
'Jack, I'll be waiting by the creek, Love Penny xx'
There was lightness to his step and a cheer in his heart as he walked through the gap in their back fence towards the creek. It was a feeling that would never be replaced and could never truly be taken from him.
Jack closed his eyes and clutched the image he'd carried with him everyday of his life. When he couldn't take a keepsake of his wife and daughter on special operations, because of the chance they could be made targets; he could still have Penny. When times were darkest, he still had a few happy memories to light his days.
The guilt of still loving her had been one of the reasons he and Teri had separated for a time. It was fifteen years to the day of Penny's death and the realisation of their love for each other; and Teri couldn't take his pain away even if she could still be bothered to try. He'd gone to their house that night and cried for hours by the creek as he remembered seeing her fragile body floating in the darkness. The image of her cold dead eyes staring out at him haunted him even then and when he was offered the comfort of someone's arms, he took it.
Nina could never be Penny any more than Teri was, but right then she was there and that was all that mattered.
Jack mused on the fact that every relationship he'd had since then was false. There was a time he knew how to love and to put those special to him first, but it hurt to remember and it hurt to try and go on.
Why had Penny come back to him that night? Was it to call him to her again? Now that Kim had Chase, he wasn't needed so much… Was it to make him feel bad again, to punish him for not taking her worries seriously? Was it some kind of warning for him that he was about to make the same mistake again?
Jack didn't care anymore. As the plunger was depressed and the needle set free its nectar into his veins once more, he was young again. There she was beside him, throwing herself into his arms as the water splashed around their naked bodies.
The drug took away the time, and a distance that could never be traversed; save in spirit form. It took away all those boundaries and it gave him what he needed to get by. A smile, a joke, a kiss; that was all he lived for now.
"No one can compare to your first true love, Kim. The first man to hold you and look into your eyes as though you are the only woman in the world to him… no one will ever be able to compete and all other men will be measured by him for the rest of your life."
"That's so sweet Daddy. You are going to make me cry if you aren't careful." Kim smiled and believed as he hoped she would, that he was talking about her mother.
"Chase is a good man, Kim. I'm sure you'll both be very happy together."
Jack took his daughter's arm and the music piped up in the church beyond them. In just a few minutes his daughter would be married and starting a life that he was no longer such a part of. A few more hours and she'd be off on her honeymoon ready to live a life that she so richly deserved, after all the pain she had suffered.
A few more hours and he wouldn't have to be alone anymore… a few more hours and he would feel the water again… feel her again… feel content.
It wouldn't be long now until he felt the cool water on his body, until he felt the darkness slip away. She'd wait for him; he was late as usual and she'd tease him and make him suffer, but she wouldn't leave him. Penny would never truly be gone as long as he loved her still.
All but once… a very long time ago, when he was different; when his world was different, when things were smaller and the little things mattered so much more. It wasn't the knowing of places that made the world grow, it was about knowing the space in between those places and those people. Somehow distance grows when you are parted from someone that matters to you… the more they matter… the farther the distance between the separate worlds you inhabit can grow.
The more space between lovers, the stronger the ache in their hearts. Then somehow when the actions don't fit the emotions, and the doubts turn to regret… then the expanse can go on forever and you are forever wondering, wanting and missing what could have been.
Jack woke screaming, with wretched and violent gasps breaking through the tears that unconsciously streamed down his cheeks. How could it have come back to that? Teri had been the shadow that walked with him for years now; but once, a very long time ago, she was the only light in his dark and haunted mind.
She had rescued him, given him back the normal life that other happy people took for granted. Teri had given him the sunshine and the stars and their beautiful daughter and he thought she'd taken away those dark shadows that kept him from sleep in the wee hours of the morning and made him afraid to walk alone at night unarmed. He thought that she had gone from his memory, but there she was again; and her cold dark eyes looked into him as though he were crazy to think that she had ever really left.
Jack rocked back and forward slowly hugging his knees to his chest and shivering. Thank goodness Kim was with Chase tonight; he had put her through enough pain in her young life, she didn't need to see her father in this state again. It had been months since he last broke down; and several months before that instance on his birthday, when it stopped being commonplace. Kim thought he was over the guilt and the pain of losing his wife. She thought that Kate and Claudia had eased his suffering a little; helped him back on the road to recovery. Despite this fact that, he was now single again and she was about to be married.
A few more nights and she would be on her honeymoon… Chase was giving up field work, to honour his promise to Jack and keep the only woman in the world who mattered to either of them, safe and happy forever. A few more nights and Jack wouldn't have to worry about being heard or caught in the act. He wouldn't have to worry about the pain… this new pain… this ancient pain that wouldn't and couldn't ever leave.
She had told him what she feared, cried to him that it was going to be really bad and he'd told her she was being silly. How could he have been so insensitive, so blind and stupid not to see? He should have seen those sorts of things, it was his job… it was what he'd worked so hard to do for years and at that first test he'd failed. He'd failed the one person that mattered, that could have been something…
Now everyday that passed he made sure things like that couldn't happen again… he worked harder than anyone else at CTU because he needed to. Not because of some wondrous work ethic or addiction to the place, but because he had to. He had to be in control and he had to be able to see what was coming; he couldn't afford to be so blind again.
He hadn't been there for Teri either? Why did he fail when it mattered most? How could he lose another piece of his heart like that and be expected to recover? Trying was only ever for someone else. For appearances sake he got up and dressed well, smelt good, and mostly, looked after himself. Inside he felt as though the pain ate away at his insides until he was a muddle of guts and blood swimming around together, and barely functioning on the power of that stunted heartbeat.
Gerry's little sister was a sweet natured girl, despite her penchant for a rather intimidating style of dress and attitude. He was seven years older than her and he'd known her since she was just a little girl. He knew her like he knew his own sisters, but there was something different about Penny… she was something else. She was always more to him. He loved her, but as teens there was never a physical attraction; no lust or desire. There wasn't even much of a friendship. Mostly she would just tease him.
Jack turned over in bed to stare out of his full length window at the garden beyond. It was lit only by the sparkle of the moon between the sycamores and reminded him of a time when nothing really mattered, nothing but the magnificent future that lay ahead of him, now that he could make his own way in the world.
He remembered the day he got accepted into the police department; he'd come around to show off to Gerry in his uniform and she'd opened the door in her baggy sweater and a pair of cut-off jeans. Her face hid the emotion she felt as she realised it was him and that he'd made his dreams come true finally, after all that chattering with Gez.
"Hey Jacky boy, you come over to play with your handcuffs?" she smirked before swinging the door back and walking into the kitchen. He followed her and watched as she walked on her tip toes on the cool tiled floor. Her toe nails freshly painted with black lacquer and the little birth mark on her left ankle catching the rays of sunlight as he closed the front door.
"You always this funny, Pen or have you been sniffing too much polish?" She spun around and gave him a sly smile. He'd never known if she even liked him back then. She loved her brother and at first she'd been really bitchy with Jack for taking away her playmate. But she was no longer nine years old… she'd be seventeen in a couple of weeks.
He closed his eyes and tried to recall the first time he'd looked at her that way. It hadn't been a new thing to him at that point and he clearly remembered a day before that; when he had gazed across at her on the window sill, while he and Gerry watched the game and drank their Dad's beer.
She wore a pale green dress and her fingers were free from the usual garnish of silver jewellery. Jack had never seen her look so pretty. He was jealous as hell when her date arrived to take her to the school dance, but he would never let on, especially in front of his best friend. He watched as she twirled her frilly dress around her slender hips and her date smiled at her lasciviously.
"I'm going now Gez, don't wait up!" she smirked as the guy helped her with her coat. Jack tried not to look as he brushed his dirty looking finger nails across the swell of her breast. When she caught his eye, he'd looked away embarrassed and she'd teased him ever since.
"She isn't going to stay out with him is she?" Jack asked of his friend, when she had closed the door. Gerry just sneered at Jack and thrust another bottle of beer into his hand.
"What the hell does it matter, she's probably having it with half the boys in school by now; you've seen the way she dresses. If Mom was still alive she'd tan her hide."
"Doesn't your Dad take any notice?" Jack asked as he closed his lips around the neck of the bottle and threw his head back to take a swig of the homebrew and hopefully forget the sensations he was feeling inside.
"You kidding Jack; he gives a shit, about as much as your Pop does about you. Why do you think I have to look out for her all the time? I had to sign her report card again last week; she's failing math really badly and Pop would go crazy…"He shook his head and looked at his friend like something strange had appeared on his face.
"Anyway, why all this talk about Pen? There's a game on, man. Or had you forgotten why you came over?" Jack knew why he'd come over and he wasn't going to tell Gerry even if he beat it out of him. In fact if he told him, he probably would beat him.
Jack lay back on his bed and wiped the drying tears from his eyes. Why had she come back to him now? What made it seem like only yesterday? He had to stop taking the methadone, it wasn't helping anymore. It was a poor substitute. Like Claudia and Kate and…
'No I can't dredge all this back up again, not now.' Jack thought pulling on a t-shirt and walking down to the kitchen for a drink. What an appalling choice of words.
The house was dark and empty, Kim wasn't around to fill it with her excitement and the joy she was feeling about her future. Jack ran his hand over the maroon silk tie that hung with the rest of his suit on the closet door. His fingers tingled at the feeling the texture awoke in him and his head felt like it was swimming with heroin, and with her. The times when he felt excited about his future had long passed now. Remembering Penny again made him feel as though he had never really got what he dreamed of at all.
"No! Gez don't be ridiculous, you can't do it… I hate Johnny… how can he…" The door bell rang and interrupted Penny's wrath and as the door opened she saw Jack and sighed. "Don't you dare tease me tonight Jack Bauer or I'll so kick your ass!"
"What… what did I do?" he asked Gerry as he invited him in and pushed the door shut behind them.
"Nothing, man; forget it, she's just cut up because her boyfriend jilted her on prom night." Jack looked on where she rushed up the stairs and the glimpse he'd caught of her face as she shouted at him, popped back into his head. She was crying.
Penny hardly ever cried. He'd liked her for it when they were younger; having a nine year old following around like a lost puppy was ridiculous for two sixteen year old boys; but Jack wasn't as bothered as her brother, Penny was fun, bad fun; the kind of fun that would get you cautioned by the police… but she never failed to make him laugh. He felt sorry for her, but she'd just hit him if he offered to take her… wouldn't she?
"Why did he drop her?" Jack asked, even though Gerry was already sneaking his Pop's whiskey and forgetting about the little disturbance. Gerry shrugged.
"I don't know, the other chick would put out, had a better dress… wasn't such an obnoxious little bitch." Jack frowned.
"Why are you always so awful to her, Gerry? She thinks you're the bee's knees and all you ever do is call her names and say that she…"
"Why do you care, Jack?" Gerry responded with spite, "You never used to want her around either… hey, why don't you take her? She loves you in that prissy uniform of yours, why don't you take her to the ball prince charming!" Jack was hurt by his friend's hostility and embarrassed by the fact that he actually wanted to take him up on the offer. As it happened he didn't have the chance to give it much thought.
"Would you Jack, please?" Penny said softly, with her head hanging over the banisters half way up the staircase. Jack looked at her sorrowful face and the honesty in her eyes… the desperation. "Everyone will tease me so bad if I don't go and…" She sighed. "Oh what does it matter, they will all laugh at me anyway. Johnny is taking princess cheer-bitch Ally Jenkins. I am never going to look as good as her even if I go to the dance with a real man."
Being referred to that way made Jack feel uncomfortable. He'd only ever been one of the boys, one of her brother's mates; almost like a brother himself… but now he was…"
"Go on Jack, be a real man and take lil sis to the prom. You know how much she loves you!" Gerry taunted.
"Shut up, Gez! Why are you always so mean lately? I used to think you were cool, but since you started seeing Arty…" Her face went white and she froze silent as a statue.
Gerry looked madder than he'd ever been in his life. Jack had no idea his best friend was gay. He had never been particularly perceptive about people's emotions; but shit, this was his best mate! How could he not have known something like that? He looked at Gerry in surprise and his mouth fell slightly open.
"I'm sorry Gez it just came out… I… I thought Jack knew. I…" Gerry glared at his sister angrily. There was a fire in his eyes that scared Penny enough to make her step back as he got closer to her.
"Of course Jack doesn't know you idiot… You know how I… God you are such a stupid little bitch, Penny. You never see anything do you? You don't think before you speak and you…"
He shook his head as though what was inside was too painful to try and explain, and then he was out of the door so fast that neither of them had a chance to think of something to say, let alone say it.
"He's going to kill me." Penny sobbed after the door slammed shut and the shock of the ferocity in her brother caused her to tremble and cry once more.
"No he won't. Don't be silly!" Jack said reassuringly. "He'll get over it. I don't care who he goes out with, and hell my sister's gay it's not like I'd judge…"
"Which one?" Penny said with a stunned look on her face. A chuckle escaped Jack's lips before he moved to wipe a tear from her unblemished cheek and take her arm. "What are you doing?" She asked, embarrassedly pulling away from him.
"Taking you to the prom. That is if you still want to go." She looked into his gorgeous blue green eyes and smiled shyly.
For a moment Jack saw what she always tried to hide. She was such a sweet girl underneath all the hype. She came across as being so sure of herself, so independent; but she was soft on the inside and the fact that this facet of her personality was rarely seen, made it all the more attractive to Jack Bauer. His heart pounded and he willed himself to hide any obvious examples of his feelings. All that he gave away was his usual shy smile.
Penny loved the way he would glance away to the left and his cheek would scrunch up a little as he got embarrassed and chewed on the inside of his lower lip. He thought he was hiding his feelings but she'd been able to tell how he felt for years now. He was so cute when he tried to hide it though; she didn't have the heart to tell him that she was on to him.
He gave her a ride to his place, a little apartment on the east side of town and went inside to change his clothes.
"I'd ask you in but…" Again his face scrunched up and his left incisor caught a chunk of flesh from the inside of his mouth. "Well it's not a big place and I have to change and well the bathroom door doesn't lock and…"
Penny laughed and pushed him out of the way so she could slide out of his Chevy to the sidewalk with him.
"Oh Jack, you are so silly. I've seen your butt before you know; we did used to go skinny dipping at the creek almost every weekend for like… years." Jack blushed and tried to turn away from the streetlamp that was inconveniently lighting his bashful expression.
"Yeah but its different now isn't it?" he said trying to stop his voice from trembling and his legs turning to jelly. Hell maybe this wasn't such a great idea. How was he going to dance with her at the prom when he was finding it uncomfortable standing up straight?
"Why Jack, we are still friends aren't we? Or do you have to hate me, because Gerry does?" She pursed her lips together and batted her eyelashes at him. He knew she was faking the upset, but he could never resist that look.
"I could never hate you, Pen. You are like a…" Could he really lie to her like that? It used to be that he felt as though he was just another big brother to her, but somewhere along the line things had changed and although he couldn't pinpoint exactly where, he knew that he couldn't tell her that.
"I don't want to be your sister, Jack. I never wanted you as another older brother. I don't watch Gerry's ass jumping off that old tire swing!" She gave him a look that should have been criminal in someone so young and he felt himself sigh under his breath.
"Penny… I'm too old for you. You should be going out with boys your own age, not someone… not…" but she was stroking his arm and the hairs on the back were rising up for her gentle caress. "Penny, we shouldn't…"
But what she was doing felt so good and Jack's mind was wandering to places he rarely let it take him. Back to the window sill; to his acceptance to the police department, to the creek. It was her sixteenth birthday that it had last happened. She had got drunk with him after Gerry passed out on the living room floor and they had dared each other to go out to the creek through the gate at the bottom of the garden.
To this day he could remember how she had undressed in the moonlight and joined him naked in the water as he shivered.
"It's not as though it didn't happen before. Remember Jack?" Of course he remembered. He was almost twenty-four and although he'd had sex a few times, his girlfriend had been too shy to let him see her completely naked. Penny was the first girl he'd held like that and the water was clear enough to give him a good look at what he was holding onto as their mouths pressed together.
"That shouldn't have happened either. Gerry would kill me if he knew what we did…" Jack protested and pulled his arm away to go into the house. He knew she wouldn't wait outside and he propped a chair against the bathroom door while he changed into his suit.
"Careful Jack, I almost saw a little bit of thigh there." Penny teased through the cheap pine door. He came out with his shirt front undone and tucked into his pants. He was having trouble with the tie because his fingers were trembling so much.
"God, you men are useless. Come here and let me do it or the prom will be over before we even get there!" She watched his face as her dainty fingers fastened the buttons on his shirt one at a time and slowly, considering she claimed they were in a hurry. He was mesmerised by her once again and he shivered as her warm skin brushed the curly hairs on his chest. Could he really keep denying those feelings?
Jack took the carton of milk from the refrigerator and wandered into the lounge room to watch the sun begin to shine into their yard. Why was the memory so painful? It had been over twenty years and he'd suffered far more times since then… how could Penny break his heart again now?
The phone rang beside him and shattered his concentration.
"Hello Bauer residence." He said in a croaky voice.
"Jack?" The voice on the other end was barely more than a whisper.
"Kim, honey is that you? I can barely hear you, are you…?"
"Why didn't you come for me, Jack?" said the tiny voice. "I needed you, I loved you, Jack. You should have believed me…" Jack sat up and put the phone to his good ear.
"Who is this? If this is some joke…" he said in irritation.
"You forgot me so easily; I thought we were special together… I know I was more to you than you let on…"
"Penny?" His voice fractured on her name and his breath caught in his throat causing him to cough. Once he managed to clear the tickle with a gulp of milk the line was dead.
When it was over he wondered if it had ever rung in the first place. How could it have… how could he have been talking to Penny after all this time? It was just a trick of his mind, a weird dream or hallucination. He lay back and drained the last of the milk, letting the empty carton drop onto the coffee table as his arm grew tired of holding it.
They'd made quite the entrance that night. He had no doubt that she was pleased to have him on her arm as they walked into a room full of her classmates. He'd watched as they gave them the once over and he'd held Penny close when Johnny and Ally Jenkins came to dance beside them. He was the perfect date, the prefect gentleman and she looked so happy.
Afterwards he had driven her home and walked her to the door, wearing his jacket over her red silk dress. She looked so gorgeous and the way she moved in the moonlight… he was desperate to kiss her goodnight.
"Thank you, Jack. I had a lovely evening. It was very kind of you to pretend to be my boyfriend for the night… everyone was so jealous. The looks on their faces…"
"I'm glad I could help…" He said with a touch of hurt in his voice that most people wouldn't have been able to pick out. Penny heard it though. She heard it and felt guilty immediately.
"The only way it could have been improved was if you weren't pretending."
His face changed right away. He looked like he would run away for a second and then he moved a little closer, so close that she could smell the warm musk of his aftershave. They had been closer that night; when they danced and she had her head on his shoulder, her cheek to the curve of his neck, and her breath tickling his ear and making his heart pound in his chest.
He took the lapels of his coat and gently pulled her towards him, his eyes closing as her lips were only a fraction of an inch from his own. He sucked her top lip into his own and opened his eyes to see how she reacted. Her eyes were shut tight and an almost pained expression appeared on her face.
"Do you want me to stop, Pen?" he asked anxiously.
"No." She mumbled into his warm lips, "Never again."
He pulled away to look at her, surprised by her response to him. It was the same little girl he'd known for so long, but the voice was that of a young woman in love and he could barely believe he was hearing it, let alone that he was feeling the same after all these years.
"Penny, do you want me to kiss you? I don't want to do anything wrong and have you regret it… we are too good as friends…"
"Jack, you fool! I've wanted you to kiss me since I was twelve years old, I love you Jack Bauer. I always have done."
Jack felt like he was choking; the lump in his throat felt as though someone very strong had him in a head lock and he could barely breathe. Remembering hurt too much. All the pictures in his mind seemed far too perfect, there were none of the fights and the times she'd told him to go to hell… now she was gone, there were only the regretful memories. The ones he'd been so desperate to hold onto, even when he'd proposed to Teri… he couldn't let Penny go.
There had been a young girl at the back of the church; one of Teri's distant cousins he presumed. But to his eyes as he walked by with his bride, he could have sworn that it was Penny. He asked Teri who she was and looked out for her over his new wife's shoulder all evening, but she never returned. He thought he'd stopped looking for her.
Now it seemed he'd never really let her go at all. She was still there as strong as ever in his mind and his heart felt as though it had been torn open to show what was, and had always been, at its core.
There had been a noise in the house and Penny was scared that her father would catch them, but neither she nor Jack wanted it to end like that. They had both known that if they didn't take it forward that night, they may never have the courage to take that path again.
"I'll go in and say goodnight, then go to my room. Go park the Chevy round the block and come round to my bedroom window… you know which one right?" Jack smiled and shook his head.
"Hell Penny, you guys have lived here your whole lives, don't you remember the time you caught me and Gerry on the kitchen roof trying to spy on you?" She laughed and hushed him with her finger to her soft plump lips.
"Someone will hear you!" she laughed softly and it filled him with love for her. Just hearing the way her breath faltered as she shyly remembered the fight she'd put on when she caught him.
"I almost broke my leg that day. I couldn't walk right for weeks!" She stroked her hand over his chest and gazed up into his eyes. "I thought you'd never speak to me again."
"I was just scared that you wouldn't have liked what you saw, I was never a beautiful girl like Ally Jenkins… or that girl you dated last year, what was her name? Paula?"
"Pam. You are way more beautiful to me, than she ever was, Penny." He corrected her with a gentle squeeze of her hand.
"Oh yeah, Spamela. That was it." She teased and he frowned at her and wrinkled his brow. "You should go; come around the back for me in half an hour." He nodded and leant in to kiss her again tenderly.
Jack replaced his carton of milk with a bottle of whiskey and went into the den. He stumbled and cursed as he tripped on a box of Kim's table decorations for the wedding. He flicked on the desk lamp to discover he'd cut his foot and dropped back into the armchair in the window to inspect the wound.
The blood felt sticky on his fingers and too many memories came flooding back to him. It wasn't normal to have so much blood on one's hands. How many people had died in his arms since he started work with the LAPD back in '82? Too many to name, that's for sure; and how many of those deaths were his fault?
Penny had gone into her house that night to find her elder brother waiting for her. He'd heard every single word that she'd said to Jack and he wasn't happy about the situation at all. Jack would never know what happened when he left her porch that night. Speculation and breaking protocol to discover the facts, would never tell him what really happened as he had wandered dizzily to his car and sat there for thirty minutes tasting her on his lips and feeling giddy with the first blushes of passion.
"You just had to do it, didn't you? You knew how I felt and you had to…" Gerry spat at his little sister, while holding her upper arm tightly.
"I'm sorry Gerry I thought Jack knew you were gay… he's your best friend and you guys are really close… I thought you…"
"You thought what? You think you know everything. You think you can have anything you want, don't you Penny? You get all the attention… poor little Penny, lost her mommy and is left with her miserable father and that useless brother of hers."
Penny tried to correct him, to stop him belittling himself that way when she knew none of it was true.
"Jack's the only one who listens to me, who doesn't judge me and he never knew I was gay because… Shit, Penny I hate you so much. How could you take him from me? Why do you have to take everything I want? Why do you…"
He was shaking her hard and his fingernails cut into her arms as he cried and screamed at her that she was the most awful person in the world.
"I didn't know that was how you felt about Jack. Gerry please stop, you are hurting me… Gez please…" She sobbed as she saw that same fire burning in his eyes as earlier that night when she'd asked Jack to be her date.
"You hurt me, Penny. Every time you tease him and try to get his attention, every time you make him want you and… then you do that. You kiss him like that." Her brother was mad as hell now and she tried to prise his hands away from her arms. She pulled away as much as she could, but each time she thought she had almost got free of his grip he grabbed her tighter until his hands were around her throat.
"You shouldn't have done it, Penny. I hate you so much. He has been my friend for so long and I wanted… that should have been me…"
Penny gasped for air and Gerry just saw red. "You took him away from me and then you…you do that! Did you enjoy it, bitch? Well did you?"
But Penny couldn't breathe, her head was swimming and no longer with the thrill of a new love. She tried to speak, tried to call out…
"Jack!"
Her final words just made her brother madder than ever. Any hope of her coming around was gone as he squeezed the life from her in his anger and rejection.
Jack walked around to the window and climbed the wall to creep up to her room. His heart felt light and his blood burned in his veins as he imagined what the night held ahead of him. It had probably been the happiest moment of his life, to that point.
Penny was already dead.
Jack leafed through the file on his desk. The images inside were painful. The explanations of her murder of the suggested causes were too agonizing to go into again. No one knew the real reason it happened; Gerry killed himself before he could be arrested. Jack would have killed him himself if not; and he'd never forgive his friend after what he had done. Gerry loved Jack but Jack would never love him and he could never stop loving Penny.
Jack took his wallet from his jacket pocket and took out the photo of his daughter and her mother. The smiles were hard to come by these days, even for Kim. She was such a beautiful woman now and she was so happy with Chase. How he wished he still had that kind of joy in his life. He took out a second picture; tattered and creased from too much handling and tried to hold back the tears as he looked upon her face.
"Oh please, Jack. Just let us have one picture together. It's prom night… I'm supposed to remember this night forever."
Jack would remember that night for the rest of his life. There wasn't a day that passed, when he didn't think of her at least once. Though, with Teri around, it was easier to just remember the happy times. His youth; that time we all look back on and smile; it was all with her. Penny was what came before everything and it stayed that way throughout his twenty years of marriage and the few girlfriends he'd dated since the death of his wife. Every morning when he turned over in bed; for a second, he thought she'd be there beside him. Penny would be there ready to tease him for snoring too loudly or dribbling on his pillow and the world would be a brighter place.
The photo that he held in his hands now; those hands that had held her and stroked her silky skin before they wore the blood of hundreds of criminals and victims alike, while he tried to make amends, had been floating beside her half naked body when he found her.
Gerry should have paid Jack's ambitions more attention and maybe his attempts at hiding his crime wouldn't have been so fool hardy. There was no way that Penny had drowned, the finger marks around her throat and the lack of pond water in her lungs meant she had died long before she was stripped and dropped into the water to fit with the cover story. Was Gerry trying to blame Jack for the murder?
It didn't matter. In California, you got the gas chamber for murder. That night Jack would have been happy to go to sleep and be with her again in another world. But Gerry couldn't even leave him with that compensation.
Jack had crept to her window and tapped on the glass before pushing it open and finding her note.
'Jack, I'll be waiting by the creek, Love Penny xx'
There was lightness to his step and a cheer in his heart as he walked through the gap in their back fence towards the creek. It was a feeling that would never be replaced and could never truly be taken from him.
Jack closed his eyes and clutched the image he'd carried with him everyday of his life. When he couldn't take a keepsake of his wife and daughter on special operations, because of the chance they could be made targets; he could still have Penny. When times were darkest, he still had a few happy memories to light his days.
The guilt of still loving her had been one of the reasons he and Teri had separated for a time. It was fifteen years to the day of Penny's death and the realisation of their love for each other; and Teri couldn't take his pain away even if she could still be bothered to try. He'd gone to their house that night and cried for hours by the creek as he remembered seeing her fragile body floating in the darkness. The image of her cold dead eyes staring out at him haunted him even then and when he was offered the comfort of someone's arms, he took it.
Nina could never be Penny any more than Teri was, but right then she was there and that was all that mattered.
Jack mused on the fact that every relationship he'd had since then was false. There was a time he knew how to love and to put those special to him first, but it hurt to remember and it hurt to try and go on.
Why had Penny come back to him that night? Was it to call him to her again? Now that Kim had Chase, he wasn't needed so much… Was it to make him feel bad again, to punish him for not taking her worries seriously? Was it some kind of warning for him that he was about to make the same mistake again?
Jack didn't care anymore. As the plunger was depressed and the needle set free its nectar into his veins once more, he was young again. There she was beside him, throwing herself into his arms as the water splashed around their naked bodies.
The drug took away the time, and a distance that could never be traversed; save in spirit form. It took away all those boundaries and it gave him what he needed to get by. A smile, a joke, a kiss; that was all he lived for now.
"No one can compare to your first true love, Kim. The first man to hold you and look into your eyes as though you are the only woman in the world to him… no one will ever be able to compete and all other men will be measured by him for the rest of your life."
"That's so sweet Daddy. You are going to make me cry if you aren't careful." Kim smiled and believed as he hoped she would, that he was talking about her mother.
"Chase is a good man, Kim. I'm sure you'll both be very happy together."
Jack took his daughter's arm and the music piped up in the church beyond them. In just a few minutes his daughter would be married and starting a life that he was no longer such a part of. A few more hours and she'd be off on her honeymoon ready to live a life that she so richly deserved, after all the pain she had suffered.
A few more hours and he wouldn't have to be alone anymore… a few more hours and he would feel the water again… feel her again… feel content.
It wouldn't be long now until he felt the cool water on his body, until he felt the darkness slip away. She'd wait for him; he was late as usual and she'd tease him and make him suffer, but she wouldn't leave him. Penny would never truly be gone as long as he loved her still.