Yes, I did have this up before, but I deleted it. I guess I'll dedicate this story to A. Troll.
Disclaimer: I don't own a Dememtor, or the name Dementor, or any of the Harry Potter stuff mentioned in this story.
How Demented Are Dementors?
A memoir of a Dementor of Azkaban
My life began as many Dementors have. I was born. To be specific, I was born in the basement of the Tower of England in 1967. We weren't rich folk. We were so poor our robes came in one piece and we had to rip them ourselves. Things weren't bad though. I had tons of friends; I even had a few conversations with the ghost of Bloody Mary herself. Then when I was 10, my father died. He died of SHS (Severe Happiness Syndrome) because we didn't have the money to pay for the operation to replace his heart. I can't say he was a good father; he only beat me once and a while, but he had a good life.
That was the day I decided I would be wealthy, so when I was 17 I left the Tower and went to Dementor College to learn how to use my gifts properly. With classes like "Know the Hatred" and "Sucking Happiness", it wasn't very difficult to learn. I learned quickly and graduated at the top of my class. It was there at Dementor College that I met my sweetheart. We were married in 1985.
Two years later I got my first job. It was a small job in Gringots bank, I was just to guard one of the safes and anyone who wasn't a dwarf or with a dwarf I was supposed to kiss. Yuck, kissing. The thing I hate most about my profession. Most people think that we just love to kiss people when, in truth, it leaves a very nasty taste in our mouths. Anyway, the job got very boring. My safe was so far underground that in the two years that I worked there I didn't see one person. I had a day shift so it was even more uneventful. The guy who owned the vault had to be about 200 years old so he almost never went to Gringots anyway.
Life was good though. In 1989 we had our first child. He was horrible (which is good by Dementor standards, you stupid Muggle). At the time we were living in a room in the Heart Break Hotel. It was small and we didn't have enough room to raise a child. It was then that I decided that I needed a better job. I sent in an application to the Ministry of Magic (terribly slow people if you ask me) and by 1990 had a job at Azkaban. It was wonderful. My wife, my child, and I all got jobs on the same cell. We also had a small room in the basement where we slept during our off shifts. We were guarding some guy named Sirius Black. That poor guy, every night it seemed the man would talk in his sleep about a person by the name of Harry Potter. Now we had all heard of Potter; of course, but we had no idea who in the happy (a very popular saying in the Dementor world) he was. Then one night in oh, I'd say 1993 I came in from the night shift to find the cell completely empty. Well you can guess the kind of alarm that went up. On a personal note, I'm definitely glad I wasn't on day shift that day (poor Teddy lost his job in a heart beat).
I was then dispatched to the Hogwarts Express. All we were supposed to do was check the train for Black, but no it couldn't be that simple. So, I walk up to one of the little watch-a-ma-call-its where the people are sitting (I don't know much wizard terminology) and opened the door. Man, did I get one blast of happy (they must have be having a lot of fun). Sorry to say, one of the younger wizards passed out. Then when I politely tried to leave this other guy blasted me with his patroni thingy (drat that wizard terminology) I'll tell you what, those things sting. Well I was quite upset after that. I quickly checked the rest of the train hoping to not be rudely blasted with anymore-patroni thingies.
Then the rest of the guys and I went on top of the train to play cards. Poor old Dizzy, I guess he didn't hear the whistle. The Hogwarts Express hit the poor guy into next Tuesday.
Then we arrived at Hogwarts. A lot of boring sitting and waiting if you ask me; although, this one day some of the guys (not me) found a keg of pumpkin juice outside. You may not know this but pumpkin juice is the equivalent of wizard's ale to us Dementors, so they were a little drunk and they ended up on the Quidditch pitch. Then they attacked one of the players. I had gone to collect them when I noticed that it was the kid from the train the one who had gotten me into trouble, so I decided that he should get what's coming to him. The headmaster was pretty angry with the guys.
Nothing really happed after that, until the night we found Black. We decided to enter in attack pattern Alpha. He had that pesky kid with him. Good, I said to myself, time for me to take revenge. I headed straight for the kid I was going to finish him off. Then BOOM the next thing I know I'm running smack dab into one of those patroni thingies again. I just have tough luck sometimes. Eventually one of the teachers found Black. They were asking for a volunteer to do the kiss. Well wouldn't you know it, nobody wanted the job. Just as my luck would have it they picked me for the job. Thankfully, when we got there the guy was gone.
That was the peak of my career. Nowadays I guard crazy old men who have been in Azkaban for years and years and years. Though there is a rumor going around that Voldremort has come back to power. Some of us were thinking about joining up. We hear he has complimentary doughnuts on Wednesdays.
Thank you for reading! Now, see that little button in the lower left hand corner? Click it and tell me what you think!