Kaidan hesitated for just the briefest moment before he set foot aboard the Cerberus travesty that dared call itself Normandy. Someone had painted over the Cerberus logos with a clumsy square of black paint, but the orange still remained as if to mock him. To remind him of what he hoped he hadn't lost through his own stupidity on Horizon. She was aboard, if Councilor Anderson had told him the truth. Ellen hadn't lied to him after all, again, if Anderson could be believed. The Reapers were still there, still waiting, and even more eager after the destruction of the Collectors.
"I'll wait for your report first before I arrange a meeting with the Council," Anderson had said. "You know, she asked about you before she headed off to the Terminus Systems."
So Ell had lied to him about that… So much time has passed. You've moved on. I don't want to reopen old wounds. But not about the Reapers. He sighed and stepped forward, past the pair of armed Cerberus— former Cerberus, he reminded himself— guards. No saluting though he knew, even in Cerberus' perverted interpretation of Alliance hierarchy, that he far outranked them. Right, Kaidan. Cerberus men saluting an Alliance Commander. Yeah, that'll happen. Just inside, Garrus waited for him. The turian's scarred mandibles twitched more than Vyrnnus' ever had, and his tiny eyes narrowed. He wondered if Ell's eyes would narrow just as much, or if her mouth would twist up and shrink to a pucker at the sight of him. She had far more reason to be angry.
"Kaidan. I should have known you'd show up at the worst possible time." He'd always wondered why turian voices seemed so calm and almost friendly when the turians themselves looked like the kind of prehistoric monsters that haunted every human kid's nightmares.
"Worst possible time?" He tried to keep the skepticism out of his voice, but his ears told him otherwise.
"We dock, and twenty minutes later you show up. Do you camp right outside Zakera Ward's docking bays? You're lucky Joker wants to see you."
"What about Ell?"
The turian snorted. "Joker wants to surprise her. And, who knows? You might just get a surprise of your own." A snicker.
Surprise Ell. He wasn't so sure she'd like the idea. She'd never been a fan of surprises, as he'd found out when he'd tried to arrange a small gathering for her twenty-ninth birthday. Damn it, Kaidan!
"What do you mean, 'a surprise of my own?'"
"You really don't understand the concept of 'surprise,' do you?" Garrus shook his head, and his mandibles drooped just a little, to expose razor-sharp teeth beneath.
He ducked around the turian's wide frame, and gasped at the cockpit. He felt for a moment like he'd come home until Joker swiveled the pilot seat around, and he saw the tan leather that embraced the pilot. It was just like Cerberus to waste money on stupid extravagance. But unlike Garrus, Joker actually seemed almost happy to see him.
"Hey, if it isn't Mr. I'm-Gonna-Call-You-Paranoid in the flesh! What do you think of my baby?" His arms flapped around like a bird's wings, and Kaidan feared he'd shatter them.
"It's… nice."
"Yeah, that's what Shepard said the first time she saw the cockpit. You should have seen her eyes when Cerberus first unveiled the ship for her, though. Well, you probably wouldn't have seen her eyes, what with all the 'catching up' you would have been doing."
"How is she?"
"You like surprises, right? Just wait. You'll have a hell of a surprise."
"Right. Well, I'll talk to you later, Joker."
"One moment, Commander Alenko," a female voice said, the inflections too perfect for a mere VI. It seemed to come from a spherical hologram mounted by Joker's shoulder. "Security protocols demand that any person without clearance must be escorted."
"Come on, EDI. Kaidan's an old buddy."
"Jeff, Shepard's protocols are clear."
"You're just calling Cerberus' protocols Shepard's!"
"An AI? There's an AI on this ship? Doesn't Cerberus know when to stop?"
"Unshackled too," Joker said, a smirk contorting the corners of his mouth. He tried not to flinch at the pilot's glee. "Yeah, I thought you'd like that after you killed all those geth. Oh, and you should get Tali to introduce you to Legion while you're here."
"You're a cruel man, Jeff Moreau," the AI said. "Mr. Vakarian will be your escort, Commander Alenko."
"Uh, thank you." He nodded at the AI, and suddenly felt very foolish.
He turned and ran right into Garrus. That turian was just like a wall, the way his massive shoulder span and huge collar seemed to completely fill the cockpit's access corridor. The man nodded to him, his fringe bobbing, and his mandibles tense.
"You're not going to see much different," Garrus said. "If it weren't for 'protocol,' I'd let you loose." His voice dripped disdain, though not for Kaidan this time.
He remembered the way Garrus seemed to adapt far too quickly to Ell's eager embrace of "efficiency," as she'd put it. Protocol's useful only when there isn't work to be done, she'd said once. I can't wait to see the Council try to stop the Reapers with diplomacy and procedure.
"They're calling the command deck 'CIC' now," Garrus said he breezed past the overly familiar galaxy map. Cerberus couldn't even put its own design spin on the turian-inspired command area. "You'll have fun talking to Taylor. Lots of fun. This is the armory."
A dark-skinned man who made him feel like the galaxy's biggest wimp turned around and saluted. "Commander Alenko, welcome aboard Normandy SR-2."
Strange to see a precise Alliance salute from a man in a Cerberus jumpsuit. Especially from a man whose muscles bulged as if they'd been pumped up with air. The heavy-featured face remained Alliance-impassive, far from what he expected from a Cerberus operative. An armory so near "CIC" seemed more than a little wrong. Efficiency demanded that weapons be stored near the drop vehicle. Unless Cerberus used its weapons for ship-level discipline. He hated that thought more than any other.
"Kaidan, this is Operative Taylor." A minimal introduction not at all worthy of the normally verbose turian. "He maintains the weapons."
"I figured that." He extended a hand to the operative. "Pleased to meet you, Taylor. Were you Alliance?"
"For a few years. I got disgusted and left. Too much bureaucracy. Too much secrecy. Too much paperwork." Taylor flared his nostrils. "Cerberus was better."
"You know about Cerberus' experiments, right? The brutal slaughter of an Alliance admiral?"
"No one knows better. I didn't agree with some of Cerberus' projects. Better now that we left. I'm with the Commander now, so long as she's fighting the good fight."
"How is Shepard?"
Garrus cleared his throat.
"You'll see the Commander soon enough. Good to finally meet you, Commander." Taylor shut down quickly, and popped off another salute before turning back to the assault rifle he was testing.
"Research is over here," Garrus said as the doors whooshed shut behind them. "We have a salarian with us now."
The turian breezed past a red-haired woman who seemed unduly focused on a small screen in front of her.
"Oh!" she said when he passed her, and whirled around so fast he jumped. "You must be Commander Alenko! I'm so happy to finally get the chance to meet you! Shepard wasn't kidding when she described you…"
"Hello," he said. He didn't know quite what to say after that.
She reached out a hand and smiled wide. "You're very, uh, tall. I'm Yeoman Chambers, Commander Shepard's assistant. Hello, Garrus." The smile turned flirtatious.
The turian grunted at his side. "Chambers."
"Pleased to meet you, Ms. Chambers. Maybe you can tell me what no one else will— how is Shepard?"
He shook her hand, or at least he tried to; she seemed far more interested in stroking his palm and caressing his fingers.
"She's fine. I still can't believe how quickly she came to rescue us, and I can't believe she got us all out alive!" The woman's bouncy enthusiasm rankled him.
"So why is everyone being so evasive if Ellen's just fine?"
"Evasive? I don't know what you mean." Her eyes shifted.
He just nodded. Right. "Nice to meet you, Ms. Chambers. Garrus, take me to Ell."
"In a minute, Kaidan," the turian said, and the way his mandibles shifted, Kaidan swore he smirked. "You have a researcher, and a whole ship's worth of crew to meet first."
The salarian seemed every bit as shifty as the rest of the crew, even as he spoke at fifty light years per minute. "Proud to be part of mission. Proud to serve with Shepard. Working on cure for exotic disease now. Progress slow." A pointed clearing of a turian throat. "But will defeat it. Owe that to Shepard."
He wondered how Ell tolerated such quick speech. She'd had enough of a hard time listening to Chorban speaking about the Keepers. He didn't even bother to ask the salarian the question that ate at him.
"Is Ell getting along well with the salarian?" he asked Garrus in the elevator.
"Why wouldn't she?"
"Ell? The woman who took forever to warm up to all the aliens under her command? The woman who didn't trust you at first? You're really asking that, Garrus?"
"I think she likes all the non-humans better than the humans. She spends a lot more time with…"
"With Tali?"
"Among others." Evasive again. "She's damned good company in the main battery when things get a little too quiet."
"What the hell are you hiding?"
"Oh no. Not after Horizon. You'll just have to wait."
Miranda. Or "Operative Lawson," as Garrus introduced her. He'd never met anyone quite so cold and businesslike in his life, and he remembered the professionalism in her voice from Horizon. Ell had once been just as brutally efficient, but she had her moments of softness. He didn't think this woman was capable of the compassion that Ell hid beneath her strong exterior. She seemed every bit the model Cerberus commando and didn't seem to hold any particular respect for his rank or the Alliance.
"Why are you working with Shepard now?"
"The Illusive Man pushed us too far," she said, her words precise. "The mission parameters were to destroy the Collectors, but he wished to keep the base for himself. Perhaps he wished to build his own Reaper. I support human dominance, but not at the cost of losing who we are as a species."
Garrus muttered something in the turian language behind him, something so obscure that the translator didn't pick it up. Probably a cussword.
"Good to finally 'meet' you, Ms. Lawson." He nodded and followed Garrus into medbay.
"As I live and breathe, Kaidan Alenko!" Dr. Chakwas jumped to her feet. "I thought I'd never see you again!"
She caught him in a tight embrace. "After Horizon, I thought you'd left us all for good."
The first real welcome, and perhaps a sign of hope that maybe Ell might, no matter what her reply had been to his message… "Doctor Chakwas. Of all the people I missed from the Normandy… I didn't know you'd joined Cerberus."
"I joined for the Commander, and for Jeff. To save humanity from the greatest threat it had ever faced. Did you know she came for us, Kaidan? She didn't hesitate for a moment. I have dreams still about the pod…"
"Will you tell me the truth, Doctor? How is Ell?"
"She is… Well, you'll see."
"Was she hurt? Is she wounded? Scarred?"
"None of us are unscarred after facing the Collectors, Kaidan. You, of all people, should know that. But she is fine. Happy, even, I think."
"Happy. I guess that's a good thing." Happy, he could live with. Hurt… Well, he wasn't sure if he could help her with that. Not after what she'd seen, and not after what he'd said to her.
I know you're hoping that things might eventually work, Kaidan. That you think we can overcome anything. But they won't, and we can't. I love you, and I hope you know that. Some things are more important than pure loyalty or ideals. I'm sorry, but I'm not the woman you need, or the woman you want me to be, and I can never be her, no matter how much I might pray to God for that blessing. I hope you find her, Kaidan. You deserve her. Take care and be safe. He'd memorized those words, reading that message over and over. It was pure Ell, the Ell that she let no one else see. Soft, but strong. Wounded, and never healing, but never willing to share her burden. Religious, but pragmatic. Compassionate to those she cared for.
"For her, definitely," the doctor said. She patted him on the back. "See the rest of the ship, then go visit her. I know she'll be glad to see you."
Garrus smirked at him again. "Oh, she'll be surprised, all right."
An asari justicar. A thief. The mercenary. The engineered krogan. A strange crew, especially for a Cerberus operation. A half-psychotic biotic in the basement. Garrus told only a bit of Jack's story, though the woman completely ignored him after a flat, "Shepard's ex-boyfriend. Huh. She's got good taste."
Garrus' mandibles twitched once again as they climbed the stairs to Engineering. But this time, he sensed something else from the turian. Something that had nothing to do with him.
"Something wrong, Garrus?"
"Nothing you need to worry about."
"You're still mad at me, hunh? Listen, I'm sorry for the way I treated you on Horizon."
"So you said to Shepard. Her eyes were red for a couple of weeks after that, and you could tell she didn't know what to do with herself. You might not have cared about her, but she's more than just my commanding officer. I couldn't stand to see her betrayed like I was. She never said a thing about it, but you could see it in the way her feet dragged, her shoulders tensed, and her eyes never quite met yours. I hated watching her slump when she should have been standing proud. You did that to her, and maybe she's forgiven you for it, but I haven't."
"You saw what Cerberus did! You were there when we found the Admiral's body. You, of all people, should know…"
"Know what? That the Reapers were ready to destroy everything? That your human Council and Alliance didn't do a damned thing to help the galaxy when your own people needed you? That the Collectors were liquefying colonists and turning them into human Reaper chow? You might be an ideologue, but even you should be able to see that Shepard was doing what needed to be done. And she did it in the only way she could. You betrayed her, your people, and the galaxy. You turned your back on everything you should have learned from chasing after Saren!"
"You think I betrayed her."
"You think you didn't? Some stupid apology a few days later doesn't make up for treason."
"I serve the Alliance, Garrus. Not some abstract ideal."
"And I'm Shepard's friend. I'll follow her into hell itself because I care about her, and I have enough faith in her to know she's doing the right thing."
"And I love her."
"Sure you do. Let's go. Tali will be happy to see you." That twitch again. Did the turian really have a crush on the suited woman?
"And you'll be happy to see her," he muttered, only to see baleful hatred in the turian's eyes.
"Oh, it's you." The door opened to a quarian who he didn't immediately recognize. Tali had changed her suit. "Not again, Garrus." The voice was the same, though: heavily accented, deceptively innocent, and oddly erotic, if he didn't try to blot it out. Ell's voice, husky and deep, stirred him more. He remembered it most when he was on the edge of sleep. "Wait, Kaidan? Is that really you?"
"It's good to see you, Tali. How has the new Normandy been treating you?"
"Much better now that it doesn't belong to Cerberus. I knew you'd come the moment we docked."
She moved with more confidence now than she had during her pilgrimage. "You did, hunh?"
"I knew you couldn't stay angry with Shepard forever, even if she did take money from Cerberus." She said the name with even more hatred than he'd managed on Horizon.
"You hate them even more than I do."
The helmet moved up and down. "I'm here for Shepard, not for those idiots. It's bad enough with all the former Cerberus crew here, but to deal with the organization itself… Keelah, what was Shepard thinking?"
"You know just as well as I do that she did what she had to," Garrus said.
"Where's my shotgun?"
"Do you ever talk about anything besides engines, your immune system, and that damned shotgun?" The turian tried to laugh, but Kaidan heard the pain beneath. It might have sounded like teasing to just about anyone who hadn't served with the alien, but Garrus' wounded ego must have hurt just as much as whatever had shattered his face.
"Not with you, bosh'tet. Have you seen the rest of the ship, Kaidan? Go see Shepard! She's in her quarters. Just be prepared."
"Will you tell me what the hell's going on? Everyone else on this ship is hiding something."
"Keelah, I wish I could, but I was sworn to secrecy. You'll see soon enough." The quarian's voice quivered more than usual. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. Really."
"Can you at least tell me if Ell is in on this little 'surprise?'"
"I told you she wasn't." Garrus glared at him, mandibles twitching.
"She doesn't know you're here. Go talk to her! She'll be glad to see you."
"If she's not distracted…" Garrus' voice seemed to vibrate a little more than usual. "Come on, Kaidan. I'll see you later, Tali."
"Right. I'll visit the armory first. Talk to you later, Kaidan."
Garrus said nothing as they made their way back to the elevator, and he glared at Kaidan as the elevator took far too long to reach the top deck. The old days back on the Citadel had been much easier; he'd never felt even the slightest bit of tension with any of his alien crewmates, even when they faced impossible odds. And his stomach churned at the thought of whatever his surprise might be. If it had been a good one, most of her crew would have been smiling when he asked about her. Had she forgiven him? Her farewell note hadn't struck him with bitterness. Just resignation, and regret. The same regret that had his gut tied in knots. Why couldn't he have kept his damned mouth shut? Let her talk without calling her a traitor? God, he was an idiot! The doors opened to a closed metal door. Cerberus had devoted a whole deck to one set of quarters? Then again, their higher ranked Operative enjoyed quarters larger than a luxury apartment on the Citadel. Ell would hate this. At least the old Ell would.
"I'll just leave you here," Garrus said. "The door's open for you."
He stood before the cold silver for what seemed like hours, and his stomach twisted with such force, he thought he'd lose breakfast. Tali's words didn't bode well for what awaited him inside. Stop being an idiot, Kaidan. You've been waiting for months to see her, months of dreams. And fantasies, if he dared to admit it to himself. He took a deep breath and stepped toward the doors. His heart slammed in his chest as the lock twittered and the doors slid open.
"…the hell?" he heard in the voice that soothed him to sleep at night.
He hesitated on the doorstep and then stepped through, only to see his dream in front of him. On Horizon, she'd borne faint scars all over her face, though they hadn't done a thing to diminish her exotic beauty. She stood before him, smooth and soft as she had been the first time he'd seen her aboard the original Normandy. But she no longer vibrated with that almost manic energy that used to send his pulse skyrocketing. Unlike the rest of the crew, who still decked themselves out in Cerberus casuals, she wore simple workman's overalls whose pale tan warmed her deep brown skin. The soft, lush lips curled themselves first into an circle, and then widened to a smile. The deep blue of her eyes reminded him of the rare clear skies of his dad's Vancouver home. A haven amidst the blackness of the stars and the artificial light of the Citadel Wards. He remembered staring into those eyes as she rode him hard the night before they hit Ilos, watching her lips contort and then spread wide in a blissful smile.
"Kaidan! How are you?"
He ignored the deep grunt behind the desk, and almost without thought, he caught her up in his arms. She felt every bit as right in his arms as she always had, and without the barrier of twin hardsuits, he finally felt her warmth. She hugged him eagerly at first, but as he clutched at her, and tangled his fingers in her hair once more, she pulled back. To get a look at him? To press her lips against his?
"Kaidan…"
"God, Ell, it's been so long!" He moved his lips in toward hers, only to feel her twitch in his grasp.
"Kaidan!" Sharp now. "Cut it out!"
"Yeah, I see how it is." He dropped his arms to his sides. Still, he couldn't break his gaze. "You don't forgive me."
She backed away, further into her overly ornate quarters. A wall-sized aquarium, empty. A full sectional couch. His eyes drifted over the green alien who sat on it to the second desk, the vast bed with both sides of the sheets in disarray. Both sides. He wiped a hand across his suddenly damp forehead. Just how hot was it in here anyway? His skin prickled beneath his dress jacket. Who was the other…? He stared at the couch again, and at the alien whose huge black eyes stared right back, lips impassive. Green. Scaly. Bald, except for horns on both sides and on the top of his head. Dressed in form-fitting dark leather. Chest bared. Oh, so Ell had a new boy-toy. A reptilian boy-toy who she'd just finished screwing. Suddenly Tali's words and Garrus' hints made sense. No wonder she was "happy," as the doctor had put it.
"Forgiveness has nothing to do with it, Kaidan." Quiet, determined. "I forgave you a long time ago. I don't blame you for what you said. But it changes nothing."
"Siha, perhaps you should invite Commander Alenko to sit with us." So the alien knew about him. He tried to get past the hiss in the green man's voice, but it still sent shots of white-heat down his spine. And what the hell was a siha? "It seems you have much to discuss."
"I'm not sure that's such a good idea, querido. Kaidan, meet Thane Krios. Thane, this is Kaidan." Since when did Ell speak Spanish? She'd never called him "darling."
"I recognized him from your photo. It is a pleasure to finally meet you, Commander Alenko." The alien reached out one four-fingered hand. "To put a body and a voice to the stories I've heard."
He brushed off the man's hand. The alien didn't seem the least bit perturbed by his display. Instead, he bowed slightly and gestured toward the shorter end of the sectional devoid of twin indentations separated by a mere inch. "Got any other surprises in store, Ell? Other men hiding under the bed? Or sequestered away in the Terminus?"
"Jesus, Kaidan! What the hell's wrong with you?"
"I thought we had something, Ell." He slumped over onto the couch.
"Had being the operative word." She put a hand to her mouth. "Wait, didn't you get my message?"
The alien settled onto the couch, and his black eyes tracked the two of them, two sets of lids flicking almost languidly. He loathed the man's composure, and wanted to kick the confidence out of him both with his feet and with a biotic field. And she settled right next to him— worse, she curled herself up next to him as if she belonged there. She stared at him, her eyes wide, waiting for him to speak.
"I got it. I didn't believe it for one second, but, yeah, I got it."
"Dios mio…" My God. That pretty much summed it up for him too. "You seem to have made a career out of refusing to believe me, Staff Commander." She tipped him a sarcastic salute from the shelter of the alien's arms. "Funny, I was going to congratulate you on your promotion, but there's not much point now, is there?"
"Just tell me the truth, Shepard. You sent me that message to clear your conscience before you hooked up with your new friend, didn't you?"
A low, "Hm," came from the green man.
"Why bother? You won't trust me, no matter what I tell you."
"I deserve to know."
"Bullshit. It's none of your damned business, especially if you're going to be a dick about it. But, hell, I'll humor you. I sent you that message a couple of days after we knocked over an Eclipse base on Lorek and did a little restocking on Omega, five days before we arrived on Illium. I recruited Thane a couple of days after we docked."
The throbbing seemed to come from nowhere, and his vision hazed out just a little. He rubbed at his temples to try to squeeze the agony back down into his amp. Soon the throbbing would become a relentless pulsing, and he'd curl in a ball. He hadn't had a migraine in a few days, not since he'd heard that she'd left Cerberus far behind.
"You ok?" she asked. "Can Doctor Chakwas help?" He hated the familiar compassion in her voice, the same tenderness that he'd felt when she'd embraced him in her darkened quarters aboard the old Normandy until the pain left him. Every last note in her voice rang with that same concern, and his stomach churned in response. Damn, Kaidan, you idiot! She still cares about you, even after you pissed her off yet again.
"Are you well, Commander Alenko?" the alien asked. That just made the throbbing tighten like a vise about his head.
"Kaidan gets migraines from his implants, querido."
How hot was it in here, anyway? The heat just amplified the pulsing. This was going to be a big one. "Get the doctor, Ell."
She nodded, the movement a blur through the liquid he felt rising in his eyes. "EDI, could you call Doctor Chakwas? Kaidan needs help."
"Of course, Shepard." Could he trust that damned AI?
He stared at her, or the two of her that split apart as his vision blurred. "She'll be here soon," she said, her four lips moving in tandem. "Do you need to lie down?"
The pain blocked his first rude response which involved used beds and screwing aliens. "No." He bent over his knees and held his head in his hands.
"All right. Can I get you anything? Water?"
"I have never heard of such complications from biotic implants," the alien said.
He raised his head and glared at the twin aliens. God, what was taking the doctor so long? One alien was bad enough. Ell whispered something to the alien, and he barely caught "L2" and "experimental" through the sharp shocks that lanced his head behind his eyes. Or did she whisper? He buried his head in his hands once more and let the pain take him over.
"Didn't the doctors give you anything to take with you?" Two of Dr. Chakwas. "Those Citadel fools need to read a few journals!" He barely felt the prick in his arm as she injected him with a faster-acting version of the blockers he'd taken on the old Normandy.
"Thanks, Doctor." He had to focus all his attention on his mouth to get the words out.
"You'll be fine in a few minutes."
He nodded, and watched as she slowly merged back into one being.
"How are you otherwise? You need to take it easy, or you'll be writhing again."
"Been better, Doc."
She nodded. "I understand. I would have warned you, if not for Jeff."
"I should've known this was Joker's fault," Ell said. "Remind me to kill him later, querido. Or break his femur." He hated the softness in her gaze as she looked at the alien.
Worse was the alien's small chuckle and the slight widening of his lips.
"Garrus seemed to enjoy himself a little too much," Dr. Chakwas said.
"Last time I elbowed him, my funny bone twinged for half an hour. Kaidan, I'm sorry you found out this way."
The pain in his head faded to next to nothing, but his stomach and his heart took over. He had to force the words out, "It's not your fault, Ell. There's plenty I blame you for, but not this."
She raised one refined eyebrow— how he loved the way they framed her huge eyes— but said nothing. The old Ell, as he'd already come to think of her, would have been sputtering. But this Ell sat nearly motionless but for a stealthy grasp of the alien's hand.
"If you're feeling better, I'll go." Dr. Chakwas stood and patted him on the shoulder.
"I'm fine, Doctor." At least his head was fine. Or better than it was. Nothing clouded his vision, not even his delusion that Ell would still want him after what he'd done.
She shot him a quick look, and he knew that he hadn't sounded fine. She patted him on the shoulder with a small smile. "Come by medbay when you're through here. I've missed you, Kaidan."
When the door cheeped behind them, Ell opened her mouth, then shut it quickly. Her eyebrow remained arched, a thin line above a pool of deep blue. "So, you blew up the Collector base, hunh?"
She nodded, an almost imperceptible movement. Her calm unnerved him.
"Why the hell didn't you save it for the Alliance or the Council?"
"You say that like I didn't want to." The alien stared at her now, his own brows raised. Obviously, the alien wasn't too happy with her thoughts.
"You made the correct decision, Siha," he said, his voice too measured. The faint resonance still grated against Kaidan's every last nerve.
"The necessary decision. But the correct one? I don't know."
"I read your report to Anderson. You said Cerberus offered you another option— to save the base."
"For Cerberus and the Illusive Man," the alien said.
"What was I supposed to do, Kaidan? The Normandy barely held together when we flew out of there. I'm amazed we didn't shake apart going back through the Omega-4 relay. How the hell were we supposed to hold Cerberus off long enough for the Alliance to show up? With Gardner's toothpicks?"
"You would have found a way, Ell."
"Because I can bend reality and pull miracles out of the air? We survived, and that was more than I could have prayed for."
"I've seen you perform a few miracles, Siha," the alien said, and he ran one of his scaly, wrong hands along her cheek. "Never doubt you did the right thing."
She nodded, and he saw she soaked in the alien's words as if they were water upon parched ground. "You're right," she said, her voice next to nothing. She'd never listened to him that way.
Kaidan shook his head. "You're not the Ell I remember. She would have driven off Cerberus with her bare fists if everyone else died around her."
"She would have given the base to Cerberus," Ell said, "and damned the consequences. You think I could have held Cerberus off? They would have taken me down and control-chipped me. Imprisoned or killed the rest of us. That what you wanted, Kaidan, for me to get the chip I escaped on Mindoir?"
"Ell!" Her words twisted his heart until he thought it would burst.
"What the hell do you want from me? First you hate me because I took resources from Cerberus, and now you hate me for giving Cerberus the middle finger. And you thought things could work…"
"I… I don't know. I don't even know why I came."
The alien stood and helped her up. "I should go see Kolyat now."
"He won't be off his shift for another hour." She stared at this Krios, and as his heart contorted, she slipped her arms about the alien.
"You and Commander Alenko need to speak without my interference, Siha. I will wait for Kolyat."
Ell sighed. "If you think you have to. I wish you'd stay… Take Garrus with you. I don't trust Cerberus one bit."
"I can handle a few commandos." The alien sounded almost offended.
"I know you can. But can Kolyat? Cerberus knows your weakness. It's better to have a second gun, just in case."
"If it eases your heart," the alien said, though he didn't sound any more convinced.
Kaidan stared as the alien cupped Ell's chin in one hand and lifted her lips to his. Whatever he might think of the alien's smoothness or his ridiculous clothing, the man seemed to have a gentle touch, and when he bent in to her, Kaidan thought he was leaning in to pray to her as a goddess. He couldn't look away as the alien's lips widened in a soft smile and as both sets of the man's lids fluttered like a pair of butterflies. She met him halfway, her eyes riveted to his, and her smile adrift. The liplock itself went on for hours, it seemed, and the smacking noises and Ell's soft but heavy breaths made his lunch lurch up to the back of his throat. Her eyes closed, as did the alien's, and he knew that he was nothing more than an annoyance, little more than the soft strains of a song, or the faint roar of a car just outside a glass window. He should have looked away, because the longer he watched her tangle with the alien, the more his heart cracked. She never kissed me that way. She always kept her eyes open, and wrestled me for control. A strange rumble, just out of hearing, shook his head, and he felt the band tighten around his head again. What the hell? The alien withdrew with a huge smile— he hadn't thought the man capable of it— and she slumped against him. Marking his territory before he leaves. Huh— I'd do it too if I were in his shoes.
"I love you, my Siha," the alien said.
"I love you too, querido." Those words sent shards of glass into the back of Kaidan's eyes, and he rubbed at his temples. Worse, she sounded out of breath when she gasped those words out.
She nestled in and buried her lips in the weird rust-colored gill-things that surrounded the alien's cheeks and curved beneath his jaw. Now that her head bent away from him, he could see the source of the renewed vibration— the alien's throat seemed to swell slightly and oscillate. The motion, combined with the pulsing sent his head spinning. He closed his eyes and covered his ears; not that the vibrations stopped or the throbbing in his head lessened. He didn't move when the vibrations ended, and he didn't bother to open his eyes until Ell said, "Tell Bailey thanks for me again."
"Did the man not wish a 'Christmas card?'"
"It's a long time until Christmas, querido." She barely sounded as if she could manage to form words.
The alien kissed her forehead and left with a tiny wave. She sank into the couch again with a sigh. Her forehead glistened and she burned bright red, so red Kaidan wondered if she'd been scorched by the alien's gill-things. She fanned herself with one hand, and smiled far too easily for his comfort. You'd think we hadn't been fighting. She'd never flushed quite so much even when she'd dripped all over him before they'd reached Ilos.
"Whew!" she said when her breath slowed. "Is it hot in here?"
"Blazing."
"Damn… I must've gotten used to it… EDI, could you drop the temperature back to ship's normal?"
"Yes, Shepard."
He felt the cooling breeze immediately and let it wash over him. But Ell shivered and curled her knees close into her chest.
"So you roast yourself for a chest-baring man-whore? I thought you had better taste. And I thought you weren't into aliens."
"You're such an ass!" She took a deep breath and let it hiss out through her pursed lips. "I never knew you jumped to judgment so fast, Kaidan. You sound like Ash used to."
He was damned if he was going to apologize. He narrowed his eyes and hoped he delivered a proper glare.
"Fuck. He's sick. If he wears tight clothing around his chest, he can't breathe properly. The longer he spends in humid environments, the faster his disease advances. I'm damned if I'm going to speed his death along just so I can be more 'comfortable.'"
"Sick."
"Kepral's Syndrome. It's fatal for drell who spend too much time in humid environments. Thane spent too much time outside the climate-controlled zones on Kahje thanks to the damned hanar."
He hated himself for the sudden thought that popped into his head. So, it's just a matter of waiting… "He's dying?"
She nodded, and her face fell. Her eyes filled with liquid and suddenly went as red as her face. "I just hope Mordin's fast enough… The hanar haven't been. Thane doesn't have long."
He'd never seen her anywhere close to falling apart, even when Udina had grounded them on the Citadel. Then, she'd just been frustrated, but now… His heart fell to see it. "Damn, Ell. I had no idea."
"No, you didn't." Her eyes narrowed. "And you didn't want to have an idea, either. The same way you didn't on Horizon or after."
"I'm so sorry." As if that could fix things. You could have decided not to break things in the first place after she saved your ass, and most of the colonists on Horizon. "Talk to me, Ell. Tell me how you ended up with Cerberus. Tell me what you wanted to tell me on Horizon."
She shook her head.
"Anderson said you tried to look me up after you recovered. Why did you lie to me?"
"What good did the truth do you? You were already mad at me, and I thought hating me more might help you."
This was the Ell he remembered— the one who took the wellbeing of her friends and crew upon herself. "And Cerberus?"
"I didn't ask for them to bring me back. Thank Liara and one of her friends for that."
"That has to be a story," he said, though he couldn't imagine the asari working for Cerberus.
"They kept me out of the hands of the Collectors." She closed her eyes and squeezed them tight. "You know why the Collectors attacked Horizon? The Illusive Man leaked intel that you were there. The ship that attacked Horizon was the same one that shot down the Normandy, and the one he trapped us on with a lie. Of course I found out all of that after he'd betrayed us more than once. I was his bait for those sons of bitches. I still don't know why they wanted me. Premium grade Reaper rations?"
"So Cerberus was behind Horizon, just like I thought."
"Partially. According to the Illusive Man, we'd have better luck stopping the raids if we could predict where they'd land next. It still pisses me off that he thought of Horizon as a victory. Bullshit."
"And you still helped them."
"Look at this…" She handed him the PDA that seemed half-thrown on the table in front of them. "This is what we have to stop. Without Cerberus, I need your help in harnessing Alliance aid, and maybe the Council's, if Anderson can't convince them."
Always back to the Reapers. "I don't know if we can count on the quarians, especially if they do decide to launch a war on the geth. If they don't, we can count on the machines for their aid."
"Wait, geth? Damn, Ell, just when I think I'm following, you throw something else at me."
"You didn't meet Legion?"
"You have a geth on board while you're docked at the Citadel? Are you insane?"
"What we fought weren't the 'true' geth, but a dissident faction that Sovereign corrupted with a mind-control virus. Our little geth problem should have solved itself by now."
From what Anderson had said, geth attacks had stopped almost completely. Even the "mopping up" had been over for a few weeks now.
"What do you know that we don't?" He still hadn't looked at the PDA.
His mouth flopped open as she told him the story of her re-brainwashing of millions of geth. "It was either that or kill them. We need their help."
He swallowed. "Tali can't be too pleased."
"Not really. Much as she hates the geth, I think she realizes that the Reaper threat is far bigger. Look at what we gathered, Kaidan. That's what we're up against. Thousands of them, massing on the edges of the galaxy. We lost so many people just to Sovereign alone that we're screwed if we don't all work together. That means turians, humans, quarians, asari, batarians, geth, hanar, elcor, everyone, have to fight as one if we're going to survive. Look at what happened to the Protheans, look at how they were enslaved and corrupted. That could be us, altered, brainwashed and implanted, gathering samples from the next evolving species in an otherwise sterile galaxy. Hell, the geth could be controlled along with us. 'Geth build our own future,' Legion told me, and I don't want to see them suffer what we're in for."
He stared at the PDA. He didn't want to admit she might be right, but the data was all there, and it seemed genuine. She'd seen the remaining Protheans, had killed them. Had heard the words of a Reaper echoed in a Prothean voice. Had killed an embryonic half-human Reaper. That was in the small amount he'd heard from Anderson. She could only transmit so much on an unencrypted channel.
"I…" He choked on the words that he thought he could speak, but as he swallowed, he realized he had none after all.
"Yeah, it's a little much to take in at once."
"Anderson needs this data. Now."
"I'm trying to get a report together, and Joker's arranging a meeting. Or I was, until you came by."
"Sure you were." He looked at the rumpled covers on the bed.
"Fuck's sake," she muttered. "I'm not military anymore. Some things are more important than beds you can bounce a credit chit on."
Dammit, he did it again! "Ell, I didn't mean to… I wasn't trying to piss you off."
She just nodded.
"Talk to me. Tell me about Krios." Tell me why you chose him. Tell me why I'm sitting here alone while you pine over a dying man.
"Are you going to be an ass about it?"
"I'll try to keep my mouth shut."
She nodded. "Fine. What do you want to know?"
"Did you know he was dying?"
"From the first day I met him. He's hardly made a secret of his illness."
"So why, if you knew he was terminal?" He withered under her glare. "Really, Ell, he's not the most stable choice."
"You act like I was plotting to snag him. Damn, Kaidan! I wasn't planning on falling in love. In fact, I was pretty sure I'd sworn off men forever, even for a quick romp, when we hit Illium, no matter how Jacob stared at me sideways." She snorted and stared at him, as if challenging him to make a comment. No, he wasn't going there. Not a chance.
He did his best to keep his voice completely neutral. "And you apparently changed your mind."
"Not immediately. All the info I had on Thane was that he was an assassin."
An assassin? That explained the steely demeanor, and the steady voice. So, she'd fallen in love with a man who took lives for profit. Huh. She really wasn't the Ell he knew. He narrowed his eyes and watched her through the slits. "He's an assassin?"
"The hanar trained him from childhood. He didn't exactly have a choice in the matter— he was six, Kaidan, when they started conditioning him. And though he might have killed by contract, he was no common thug. Not by a long shot. The day we tracked him down, he had decided to act on his contract to kill Nassana Dantius…"
Ah, the shifty asari diplomat. Probably served her right. "So, I'm guessing you saved her."
"Not exactly. She thought I was the assassin. We'd tracked Thane through endless levels of merc security, and had freed a number of salarian workers he'd locked away. He was trying to save them after Nassana had unleashed her mercs on them. I was just trying to make sure he survived. And I was dying to meet him: what kind of contract killer risks his life to save innocents?" She shook her head and smiled. "So while Nassana was throwing accusations my way, and I was trying to tell her that I wasn't the one sent to kill her, Thane dropped down from a vent, and killed her and her security in a matter of seconds, mostly hand-to-hand. I'd never seen anything like it— the man's a dancer on the battlefield. And then he prayed."
"You were a distraction, and he took advantage." She nodded. "And you were ok with that? Recruiting a man who slaughtered right in front of you after using you?"
She grinned and he noticed the red in her eyes had faded just a little. "Not really, but he wasn't quite so ok with me killing floors full of mercs either. I'm not sure why he warmed up to me at all, skeptical as he was, but he volunteered to help us even though Cerberus was prepared to offer a tidy pile of credits, which is more than I can say for most of the rest of the crew."
"You're hard to resist, Ell." Impossible was what he truly thought as he watched her lips twitch. She finally settled on a half-smile after he saw an endless array of expressions work their way across her features. He counted his blessings that she didn't choose the annoyance or mild pissiness that he saw pass over her. He hadn't really seen her smile, at least not at him, for an hour or two, and he thought he'd never see it again. "I still don't understand what happened."
"I don't really either. Aboard the Normandy, he seemed cautious, but warm. Maybe because I defended him when Jacob decided to go on the attack during his debriefing. A Cerberus mercenary who quit the Alliance over bureaucracy attacking an assassin because the assassin isn't 'loyal to more than his next paycheck?' What a load of horseshit!"
That still didn't explain why she fell for him, and threw away everything she had for a dying man. But she didn't know she had it, because you were an idiot. And because she didn't want it. The last sent knives ripping through his gut. She wants you even less now than she did after you threw her away. "What changed? Why did you go for an alien?"
She closed her eyes and when she opened them again, they'd reddened once more. "There was something about Thane— a kindness and a spirituality that called to me from the first time I talked to him. He and I would come to similar judgments all the time on missions, and I came to trust his advice more than anyone else's on the ship. He's the first man who ever looked at me, instead of looking up to me or hating me for all the rumors and stories out there. He judged me not for who he'd heard I was, but who I am. He asked for the truth, and listened with an open mind. He didn't idealize me. And he decided that I was worthy first of his friendship and then of his love."
No biotic kick could have hit him anywhere nearly as hard as those words did. Had he really done that? He'd read her message without really understanding that part of it, why she would think that he wanted her to be anything other than what she was. You were pissed at her on Horizon. You didn't listen to a damn thing she said, or try to understand why she'd do what she did. Have you ever tried to walk even a step in her shoes? Did you ever try on the first Normandy, when she'd reach out to you with that tentative compassion she never showed anyone else? Did you ever ask her about Mindoir or Torfan? Her family? What, beyond her faith, she held sacred?
"I didn't know you spoke Spanish."
"I don't, really. Just a few expressions, some cussing, nothing major." She shifted back and forth and pulled her knees closer to her chest. He wondered just what she was hiding.
"You call him 'querido.'"
Her lips twitched and widened just a little. "I had to find some kind of nickname his translator would glitch on. He got me pretty good with 'Siha.'" She rested her chin on her knees.
"Which means…"
"If Thane wants to tell you, I'll let him. 'Siha' has a lot of religious significance for him. He flattered me when he finally told me what it meant, but he honored me even more."
"I've missed you, Ell. A lot."
"I wish I could believe that." Her chin lifted, and she held it high, as if she'd been born queen of the galaxy. Her voice trembled just a little, though her body betrayed nothing.
"I missed talking to you. I missed your voice, your words, your smile."
"Yeah, I'll bet that's all you missed." She snorted.
"Well, not all, but I'll take what I can get. You weren't just a bed-warmer, Ell, you were my friend. One of the few who seemed to get me, and one of the few who could get around…" He felt his implants flare up and his hands glowed blue. "You know what I mean. I'm starting to get that I wasn't the same thing to you."
"Kaidan…"
"You know, angry as I was on Horizon, I didn't understand that you'd saved my ass. Again. Just like you did when the Normandy went down, and when you hoisted me on your back on Virmire. No matter what Cerberus did to lure the Collectors there, you saved Horizon, just like you saved me. Like you've always saved everyone you care for. You're the best friend I've ever had, but I was too damned stubborn to see it. I haven't been that same kind of friend to you, and…"
She watched him from beneath her lowered lids. "I've always doubted you, Ell, no matter what you did. I gave you shit after you left Ash behind, argued with you when the Normandy was on fire, and, well, you seem to remember Horizon too well. I'm sorry. That probably won't make up for all the crap I've given you without ever loaning you the same kind of ear you always gave me, but it's the best I can do. I'm here now. Lay it all on me."
"Don't worry about it." That was the last thing he was expecting to hear. But it was also quintessentially Ell. "Thanks for not being a complete ass when I told you about Thane." He winced. "Really. You could use a little work in the 'misplaced jealousy' department, but you've been better about it than I expected."
He remembered her eyes just before he turned away on Horizon. The way they'd clenched shut and her forehead had closed in on itself— exactly the opposite of the smile that had lit them up when he first made his way around the blithering mechanic. She'd been happy to see him, and her lips had spread wide the moment he opened his mouth. She'd been battered, her hardsuit scorched, and he had seen tight lines in her forehead and between her eyes. Cerberus hadn't been easy on her. She'd tried to speak, to make him understand what he should have known: that the galaxy's survival rested on her shoulders, and that she'd do whatever it took to ensure that organic life continued. That's a hell of a lot of weight to bear, Ell. I'd be squashed flat if I tried to shoulder it.
"You weren't happy on Horizon."
"Understatement of the century."
"You never liked working with Cerberus, did you?"
"What could possibly make you think that?" She snorted and her lips twisted upward. "It's not a lot of fun trying to walk a tightrope when you know that sharks are waiting in the pool underneath, and your assistants are poking you with sharpened sticks on all sides. I knew the Illusive Man was going to fuck us over at one point or another, that he was spying on everything we did and every conversation we had, and I really hated the fact that I didn't have much control over who was in the team he had me build. At least I had Joker and Garrus to keep me company until we reached Horizon."
"Sounds lonely."
"A little. Mordin had me clawing at the walls. Jack was, well, Jack. I kept getting the feeling that Kelly was hitting on me."
"I'd pay admission to see that." She stared at him and then, after a brief war with annoyance, she grinned.
"Yeah, I bet. Grunt wanted to smash the ship to bits. Then there was Miranda, who passed every last bit of information and conversation on to the Illusive Man, Jacob being, well, Jacob. You know, mistrustful, cold…"
"The salarian…"
"Yeah. He worked on a modified version of the krogan genophage. When he told me about his years with STG trying to 're-stabilize' the krogan population after they began to evolve past the genophage, I just kept picturing Wrex's face in my head, seeing him shooting endless rounds into the water on Virmire… It broke my heart. Hell, it broke Mordin's too. He honestly thinks I did him a favor by drafting him for a suicide mission!" She stared at the carpet. "Crazy, crazy galaxy… Mordin's a good friend, and I owe him a lot."
"He claims he owes you."
"And he's nuts."
"All of us owe you, Ell. Me more than most."
"Saving the galaxy— that's what I do." She actually laughed. "I'm probably going to have to say sixty Hail Marys for that little bit of pride."
Ell was Catholic? What else didn't he know about her? "Didn't know you'd specialized your religion."
"Just getting back to my roots a little bit. I think we all did that." She seemed to look past him, but where, he wasn't sure. Mindoir? "You should go to Alchera— visit the Normandy wreckage. It's an 'official landmark' now."
"Nah. It was hard enough making it through the last couple of years without reliving…"
"Sorry." She cut him off before he finished, strange for her. It wasn't until she looked up that he saw the track of a single tear down her cheek.
"Hey, Ell… I… I'm sorry."
"The lost were laid to rest. That's the best I can ask of my greatest failure."
Figured she blamed herself for that. The way she took Ash's death to heart. He wondered what she would have done if she'd lost any of this Normandy's crew. Just soldiered on, leaving the pain for those moments after the lights went out. She'd blame herself for all of it, and keep pushing. He'd never imagined that she might reach the end of her reserves, but maybe even she had limits. He'd never seen her so close to breaking down. He'd never seen even a single tear. Yeah, that's because you saw her as a hero, not a woman. God, you're an idiot, Kaidan. He hated seeing that— she'd been his rock, even when he'd doubted her, and he couldn't begin to think of her being anything less than a goddess. That's what she was talking about.
Divert. "Taylor seems like a character."
Her nostrils twitched before her mouth knotted. "He's something. A good man, I think. A reliable soldier. I mean, with a shotgun."
"He didn't exactly seem like the loyal type."
"He is, as much as he can be for anything. He's done some good things, from what I heard. Saved the Citadel from terrorists. I can count on him in a firefight, but, damn, the man has no sense of tactics. At all. If I'd taken any of his advice, beyond his armor upgrade schematics, we'd have been pulverized or liquefied or riddled with bullet holes. Miranda's got a better head on her shoulders."
"You don't like him."
"I don't know. Sure, I guess I do. He's sort of a 'friend,' I guess. He still gives Thane a hard time of it, even though I've told him to cut it the hell out. He hasn't called Thane a 'snake' for a few weeks, so that's some progress."
The moment the words came out, he knew he'd regret them. "He's more of a lizard."
"Better a lizard than an asshole." Her eyes drilled through him like he was nothing, and her lips clenched in a thin line.
"I'm not so good at the 'friend' thing, am I?" He grimaced. "Sorry, sore spot."
Her gaze drifted to the floor, just as it always did when she was thinking.
"Forget it," she said finally. "You're just being a guy."
"Let me guess— he wasn't 'a guy' when he found out about me."
"Well, yes and no. Thane was a little jealous when we went to Alchera, but only because Garrus had convinced him that I was rebounding with him after I'd supposedly been about to marry you, or something. And Tali apparently told him I had more to grieve than just the Normandy's dead. A load of crap from both of them, but their hearts were in the right place, I guess. But 'jealousy' to him is dropping hints and worrying for no reason."
That was worse than all the other stories, or watching the assassin kiss her. She didn't grieve at all for the loss of them. "I spent a long time mourning you, Ell. I'm still mourning the old Ell, whose fires would burn you to a cinder."
Her eyes narrowed. "'Old Ell?' I'm glad she's dead. She took her hate out on a lot of people who didn't deserve it."
"What happened to you?"
"Life happened. You happened. Wrex, Liara, Tali, and Garrus happened. They weren't the slavers, the pirates who took my life from me. The turians who descended on us and tried to annihilate our colony without talking first. It took me a damned long time to learn what you already knew, but now that I've learned, I'm damned if I'm going to cry for the woman who changed. Life's too short, and too many have died to make mourning the living worthwhile."
"So it's my fault you've changed."
"Or your influence." She smiled. "I don't think it's a bad thing. Is it?"
"You're something, Ell. Really something."
She raised an eyebrow.
"I mean that in a good way. You're always there, always listening, always patient with me when anyone else would whack me upside the head. At least that part of you didn't change. Or maybe it grew. I'm glad you made it back. Really."
"Thanks." Quiet. She flushed just a little and looked away. He hadn't seen that almost-shy blush since he'd last whispered into her ear two years and change before.
He didn't know what to say after that, so he just sat motionless on the couch watching as she uncurled herself and put her feet up on the coffee table. She seemed so fluid, perhaps more graceful than she'd been before Cerberus put her back together again, that he wondered if she'd been shaped from water. He saw the subtle clenching of her shoulders had eased and she sagged deep into the cushions. She closed her eyes and sighed. Until the door twittered. Damn it! He hadn't seen her truly relaxed since their few days off after they'd defeated Saren. She flowed to her feet, only to be swept up by a blurred green figure.
"Goddammit!" he muttered as he finally resolved a green hand underneath those tight…
The alien… Krios, he reminded himself, held her aloft with one hand beneath her buttocks and twined the second in her hair. He couldn't bear to see her legs wrapped around Krios' middle, or hear the almost girlish giggle that burst from her. Worse was Krios' own low chuckle. And then the liplock and the smacking began once again. Krios was happy? He flinched away from the sight of her mahogany hands stroking the deep green stripes of Krios' neck.
"I guess things went well with Kolyat?" she said, her breath bellowing between her lips like the steam trains he'd seen in old history vids.
"Better than I had hoped, Siha. Perhaps one day he will forgive me entirely."
"You'll have to give me the details later," she said as Krios let her down with a gentleness and precision Kaidan could only hope to achieve with biotic aid.
A curt nod, and slightly raised brows. But Krios' huge smile didn't quite seem to fit the motion. "Kolyat wishes to dine with both of us."
"Sure… Wait, you told him, didn't you?"
A small nod, and Krios' huge smile expanded to take over his whole face. The part of his face that wasn't the gill-things, that is.
"He took it far better than I expected, Siha. Arashu must have given us her blessing."
Kaidan cleared his throat. Loudly. "Sounds like good news," he said. He tried to pump every last bit of jealousy and sarcasm into his voice, and by Ell's glare, he knew he'd succeeded.
"The best news," she said. "I can't think of better."
"Who's Kolyat?"
"He is my son, Commander Alenko."
A dying man with baggage. Ell sure knew how to pick 'em. What does that say about you?
"That makes sense," he said, hoping to sound noncommittal, though his stomach churned once again and acid burned the back of his throat.
Krios watched him with little more expression than a perpetual faint smile.
"Well, this is awkward," Ell said, though her own smile had never quite left her.
Kaidan had once sworn that Joker listened to everything on the old Normandy, and apparently that had never changed. Especially with that damned AI watching them like a hawk.
"Commander, the Council wants to see you."
"Good news! All right, tell them I'll be there in a few minutes." She stood and began rummaging around her closet for pieces of her hardsuit which she brought out and threw haphazardly on the untidy bed.
"I should go, Ell. I guess I'll see you around." He stood himself, only to feel a hand settle on his arm. A green hand, scaly, and cool even through his jacket sleeve.
"If you do not object, Commander Alenko, I would like to speak with you."
"I, uh…" He looked around Krios' horned head only to be faced with Ell's bare legs as she slid herself into her leggings. Damn, he'd forgotten just how well formed her legs were, and Cerberus had rebuilt them to perfection.
"You sure about that, querido?" She slapped her chestplate on over the thin white shirt she'd worn beneath the coveralls.
"I am very interested in learning more about the Commander."
"Well, I'm not going to say anything about it. If you're comfortable, querido, and the Commander behaves himself…" Her pointed glance pierced him deep.
"For your sake, Ell. If you're really interested, Krios, I could spare a few minutes."
"Hm. I suppose that hesitation is… understandable." He really didn't need the alien to "understand" anything.
Ell ran a hand through her hair, setting it aright from the mess Krios had made of it. She slid on her gauntlets and shot him a look after spending far too long leering at the alien. Krios. She kissed Krios on the cheek and gave him a small smile followed by a whispered, "Good luck."
"You know, you're welcome to come visit the Normandy any time, Kaidan." After seeing the kiss left him cold, her words warmed him just a little above freezing.
"You think I'd stay away, Ell?" He opened his arms and couldn't help but smile when she piled into them, sharp plates and all.
After a quick squeeze, she bent over the table and picked up the PDA. "Love you," she said quietly, giving the alien one last glance. Maybe things weren't so bad. Maybe his heart would stop contorting every time she looked at Krios, or said sweet nothings to him. Maybe he could tolerate Krios' hands on her. Maybe he'd figure out how to see her the way he should have when he first met her. But it did feel good to have a little peace between them, and to see that she still cared, no matter how much of an idiot he was to her. I can be your friend, Ell. I love you enough to do that.
"Hey, I never really said it, but congratulations on your promotion. You deserved it."
"Where's my salute?" He realized, finally, that he outranked her.
"Already did," she said, and laughed. "Good thing I'm not Alliance anymore."
"Siha, I'll ask Amonkira to grant the Council the ability to see the truth."
"I hope Amonkira can do what God never did." She smiled at Krios once again.
"Commander…" Joker's voice came over the comm again.
"I'm coming, I'm coming! Have Garrus meet me in the armory."
She turned and made for the door. "Hey, Ell! Don't be a stranger!"
"Not a chance." The words trailed as the doors whirred shut behind her, leaving him alone with his rival. Rival, Kaidan, really? She's already made her choice.
Krios watched the doors close with an expression Kaidan couldn't quite figure out. Somehow, he thought the alien seemed almost half-despondent, but she'd only been gone a second or two. Wait until you have to live without her for years. Krios closed his outer lids and pursed his lips. The alien's chest hitched, and he seemed to have some trouble taking in a breath. The sickness Ell described. Strange, he'd lifted her with no problem, and swung her around. He swallowed as a sudden rush of compassion nearly felled him. He's going to die. You're not. Even if he's claimed her for now, you still have a full lifetime of friendship with her if you don't screw up again.
"You all right?" he asked.
Krios nodded. "Perhaps I should be the one asking you if you are well. You seem to have improved somewhat since I left."
"The headache's gone, if that's what you mean."
"I am pleased you have made peace with Ellen." Krios' excessive civility made him feel like a boor, and the man's utter lack of visible jealousy drove him mad.
"Really? Why?"
"Would you wish her to face more conflict? You seem to care for her deeply, just as she cares for you. She has enough to face without arguing with those she cares for."
"Huh."
Krios' outer lids shuttered and his lips unclenched. But his silence unnerved Kaidan, and, he couldn't imagine what the alien wanted from him. Finally he forced words out, just to fill the space.
"You seem to care about her."
"She is my Siha, my warrior-angel, my protector. Perhaps she is the last gift the gods will allow me in this life, and for that I will remain grateful even when I cross the final sea."
"So that's what 'Siha' means. Huh. Ell wouldn't tell me."
"Siha to the last," Krios said. "She even protects what she believes I may hold as secret." He seemed lost in thought for a moment, a small smile replacing the bland expression on his lips.
"You said you wanted to talk to me."
"I wished to know more of the man who loved her first. And I wanted to reassure you that I intend her no injury." Damn, not even the faintest bit of jealousy from this man! His very composure made Kaidan twitch.
"If you didn't want to hurt her, you wouldn't have taken up with her. What the hell were you thinking?"
His outburst made Krios flinch for the briefest second, and he found he enjoyed that momentary break in the man's confidence. "My Siha is capable of making her own decisions. I have never concealed my mortality from her. All I wish to do now is to stand by her side and to protect her so long as the gods are willing to allow my body to function. Had she chosen not to love me, I would have gladly remained beside her and given my life to keep her safe. If she were to wish to spare herself hurt now, I would step aside."
"Just like that?"
"If it was her wish, yes."
Damn, the assassin was far too smooth, and far too altruistic to be real. "I have a hard time believing that."
"I love her, Commander Alenko, and whatever she demands, I have no choice but to honor it. She awoke me, and made me realize that I deserved far more than the sleep and isolation I had forced myself into for my mistakes. She gave me a way to atone for my sins, and she helped me save the one good thing I brought into this galaxy. I have no way to repay her but with what I am."
"She worries about you."
"I know."
"She loves you."
"That I also know, and I thank the gods daily in my prayers."
"Why would you even fall for an alien? She can't be attractive to you."
At that, Krios let out a small laugh. "Perhaps you might ask Ellen the same question. I find her beautiful in countless ways, not the least is her willingness to sacrifice all she is for everyone she cares for."
"I meant physically. Aliens aren't particularly attractive to any race. Can you see a turian woman drooling over me?"
"Do turians drool?" Krios let out a small snort. "Ellen was sculpted to perfection by the gods themselves. It seems strange that though you seem to find her attractive, you believe that other men, even other species, might not. Our species are not so physically dissimilar, I have found, that I cannot appreciate the small differences. The males of your species seem to appreciate the asari. And the asari, Liara, seemed to find Ellen appealing as well."
"Yeah, but the asari…"
"…look much like your species and mine. I have found the most important things seem to be in the same places on Ellen that they would be on a drell woman."
He tried to picture a scaly reptile woman with similar huge alien eyes and shuddered. "More than I wanted to know."
"It seems to me that you did ask the question. Ellen has a few additions that a woman of my species lacks, but I find them quite appealing in their own right."
"I'm going to regret this, I know. What additions?"
"Her chest is much more enhanced. Drell children eat solid food from birth."
"Wait, they don't have breasts? Isn't that a little wrong?" You're such an idiot, Kaidan, he said to himself when Krios flicked his lids at him.
"You lack a set of eyelids." The assassin's lips twitched, and he let out a short chuckle.
"Right, I'll shut up now."
"It was not my intention to make you feel awkward, Commander Alenko."
"Wait, just a sec… You said Liara wanted Ell? I remember she had a bit of a crush on Ell back on the Normandy, but…"
Krios really did laugh this time. "It seemed to be more than just an infatuation."
"Does Ell still talk to her? Does she know? Sha'ira freaked her out once."
"I'm convinced that Ellen's perceptiveness diminishes significantly in the asari's presence. Just as it seems to in Samara's presence. I think it is a rather deliberate diminishing, if I am to speak truthfully."
He couldn't help but laugh when he remembered Ell's red face after Sha'ira did her melding trick, and the way she fumbled when he asked her about Liara so long ago now. "Poor Ell. My god, you'd think every damned woman we've ever come across wasn't designed normally. She mentioned Chambers when we talked."
"Yeoman Chambers seems to wish to mate with everything that moves on legs." The man's lids flickered like mad.
"You don't like her."
"She is an interesting human. A human I would prefer to avoid, if possible." Well, at least they had that in common.
"You aren't what I expected, Krios, even after what Ell told me."
"Humans are always a surprise to me." A genuine smile. "Sometimes I discover the surprise is rather pleasant, and at other times, I find certain individuals repugnant. I'll admit you have proven to be a rather agreeable individual to speak with."
"Let me guess— Taylor." Krios raised an eyebrow.
"Yes. Ellen also seems to be far more appreciative of Operative Lawson than I am."
"Miranda? Yeah, she's frigid as hell. Ell mentioned Taylor gave you a hard time."
"She has spent far too much time worrying on my behalf. You seem to have formed your own opinion of Taylor."
"I just hope Ell can count on him."
"As do I."
"Do you know when Ell learned Spanish?"
"She has not confided that to you?"
"She never spoke a word when I knew her. Wait, you're telling me you know?"
He hated Krios' knowing nod. "She learned some words, as she says it, from a childhood friend of hers on Mindoir. Her speech seems to change with me; she seldom uses any of the words outside this cabin. I think she speaks the words to honor her friend, and to remember her."
He flinched. Yet another thing about Ell that he didn't know, and that he'd never asked about. She knew everything about his childhood in Brain Camp, but what did he know about her life on Mindoir beyond the loss of her parents? He shook his head and sighed. "Tell me— was Ell pissed at me after Horizon? Garrus still hates me, but she seemed to take it all in stride when I showed up again. Well, Horizon, anyway. She still seemed like she wanted to rip my eyes out when I wasn't, uh, charitable to you."
"No. I asked her about what had happened after Garrus told me of you. She said, 'I can't hate Kaidan for being true to what I loved most about him. He's an idealist, and I can't blame him for taking a stand against Cerberus.'"
Damn. "She knew me better than I ever knew her."
"You regret what you said."
"Every day, and probably for the rest of my life." No time to think of that, though Krios, despite his relatively immobile features, seemed to look on in compassion. The assassin knew regret, all right.
"Tell me about this Garrus and Tali thing."
"Is there a reason you wish to know?"
"Garrus isn't exactly on my list of favorite people right now, and I'd like to feel smug for a bit."
Krios stared at him unblinking for a moment, then his eyes narrowed just a little, and he smiled. "If it will help, I will tell you what I can. Garrus seems to be attracted to Tali'Zorah and spends every moment he's not needed in the Main Battery pursuing her. Ellen has been trying to encourage Tali'Zorah to mate with him, but the quarian is quite stubborn."
"Wait, Ell's in on it?"
"She has never spoken of her endorsement to Garrus— I think it is her way of keeping Tali'Zorah free of pressure."
"What the hell?"
Krios shrugged. "Some things Ellen does make little sense to me."
"But you'd defend her to the ends of the galaxy anyway… Do me a favor, hunh?"
"What is it you wish?" Krios leaned forward.
"Do what I couldn't. You've got the galaxy's best woman. Be there for her. Stand by her. Love her the way I couldn't, the way she deserves."
"No man could, but I will do the best I can for so long as my body draws breath. She is my awakening, my protector, my everything."
Almost against his every instinct, he slid over on the couch and clapped the man on his back. "Ell's in good hands."
"I had hoped we might be friends as well."
"Yeah, maybe."
"I think Ellen would wish it."
"Well, if that's what Ell wants, that's what Ell gets."
"The galaxy is a dark enough place that we should seize whatever small bits of light we can find."
Krios, and he didn't even think "the alien," this time, was probably right. "Yeah, Krios… Thane. I think I can live with that."
Thane smiled at him and put out a hand. This time, the hand didn't seem quite so cold as he shook it. Kaidan smiled back at Thane without the slightest hesitation. Yeah, he could definitely live with that.