You Must Love Me
I stare at her; my eyes readjusting to the harsh light that assaults them before flinching away, scared at what the next bone chilling flashback will show. But there is no pain. No terrifying images. No flashback. Only a gentle hand stroking my hair. Katniss is really here, really by my side; and this is what I don't understand. She could have left months ago. The war ended almost a year ago and yet here she stays, by my side, guiding me through the mental and physical pain the visions and flashbacks have to offer and which I can't escape from.
I try to be there for her too, during her nightmares where she screams out the names of the ones she has lost, Prim's name being the most frequent. But I know why I stay for her. Hell the whole of Paneam knows! She does too. I'm not afraid of telling her, been I've loved her since we were children why should I be? I have told her. I still do. But she always made it perfectly clear she never loved me. Made it perfectly clear she used our 'love' as a means to survive but that the feelings were never actually returned.
I hear her mumble something about food, too preoccupied with my own thoughts to hear what she had said before she shuffled out of the room. I can hear the almost silent pitter patter of her feet as she hurries downstairs. Katniss knows the flashbacks take everything out of me; she has been there for every single one since we started talking again after we both moved back even if she was the cause of some of them. She would hold me and sing to me, trying to calm me down enough for the torture to end... Why? That same question races through my mind as, in a spur of the moment decision, I vaulted off the bed, where Katniss must have dragged me after I collapsed in the adjacent bathroom, and wobbled slightly as my legs struggle to take my weight after the awful ordeal of the flashback. Thankfully the flashbacks we becoming fewer and fewer and were now almost only one a month rather that one a week. Taking a slightly uneasy step I started to head for the stairs, hearing Katniss clattering with pots and pans in the victors' kitchen. At least I had an excuse to be there before I started questioning her, if I left Katniss to the cooking I would not only end up with no food but no kitchen either! As brilliant as she was at gathering, catching and preparing the food ready to be cooked but she couldn't cook to save her life.
When I entered I saw her sat in front of the oven, her back to me, gazing intently into it. Her shoulders set and steady, the way they always were when she was hunting, waiting for the right moment to pounce on her pray, expertly squering it with her bow and arrows from a safe distance. Her hair, usually tied back in one way or another (but never in her 'signature' plait anymore) hangs loose and flowing down her back; the uneven chunks almost fully grown back now, blending in with the rest of her hair.
She is beautiful. She always has been and always will be to me because that is one of the things that makes love what it is, being able to find beauty in the places that society find ugly. She is so immersed in what she's doing that she doesn't hear me walking up behind her until a low chuckle escapes my lips.
"You know watching it isn't going to make it cook any faster" I say, still chuckling at the expression of concentration on her face as she whirls round to face me, a blush steadily creeping up her cheeks.
"I was just trying to cook something without it turning into a complete disaster... I thought you were going to sleep. That one seemed to take a lot out of you" she mumbled, her face darkening at her last statement.
"Yeah... Yeah it did" I sighed "Look Katniss... We need to talk" the last part was a statement and I tried to make it sound bold and important but my voice just sounded tired and weary. Despite that I saw her whole body freeze, preparing her defences in case I made a move to hurt her. But I would never hurt her, not deliberately, not now... I just wanted answers.
"Look Katniss why are you here?" The question knocked her off guard and she started to open her mouth in protest "no I'm not finished. Why do you stay? Why are you always at my side when I need you? I surely can't be any use to you now. There's no one out there plotting to kill us. No one to act for, so why? I know that everything has changed but nothing has changed between us. I'll still love you more than you'll ever love me and I'm just... I'm really confused! When I'm around you all of my certainties about you disappear and all I'm left with is questions." I stated, letting the end of my rant fade away leaving the silence between us full of hesitancy, possibilities and questions. Questions only she could answer.
I watched her spluttering to form sentence, wanting so much just to wrap my arms around her but I stood my ground and kept my distance from her. You could cut the silence between us with a knife as she shook her head in despair. Part of me was expecting her to just bolt for the door, run from the problem I had set in front of her. But she doesn't, and the words that come out of my mouth stun me into silence.
"How do you know I don't love you? I opened my mouth to reply but just as I had done to her she cut me off before I could make a sound. "No Peeta I've listened to your side, it's time you listened to mine... I guess we've put this off long enough huh?" I stay silent just as she wished me to.
"There may not be anyone trying to kill us and maybe nothing has changed for you but me? I can barely recognise myself from the reckless sixteen year old who rushed in front of everyone to save her sister... or the girl who swore she'd never fall in love" she hangs her in despair at the last statement, mumbling it to her feet. But I hear, and what I hear makes my heart beat faster in my chest. Could she mean she's learned to love me? Or has she found it within herself to forgive Gale and these last few months by my side have been her goodbye? I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself against the counter, preparing myself for the fall that will surely be caused by the next words through her lips. She must have sensed my walls going up because she continued with caution.
"The saying is true, 'you never realise what you have until it's gone'. Haymitch knew." She scoffs. Of course he did. Their old mentor may be out of his mind drunk most of the time but if there are two words that describe Haymitch are observant and sneaky.
"Of course he did!" she continues "that's why we agreed to save you during the quarter quell... that and you would have made a much better leader than I did... but they took you; before I could save you. You were gone. I didn't know where you were or how you were being treated or anything; I didn't even know if you were ALIVE!" Tears are slowly streaming down her cheeks but as I start to take a step forward she moves back out of my reach shaking her head. "And it broke my heart... all the not knowing. But mostly just not having you there with me, sure me and Gale got our old friendship back but it wasn't the same, we argued over too many things, mostly you ha- I wouldn't hear a word against you, but in his eyes you were a traitor. That's what made me realise that no matter how much I used to love Gale we'd grown to be too different and..." she pauses then, trying to find the right words to say next and I hold my breath in anticipation as she continues "and then you came back. I was so happy. I finally had you back. But you weren't you, or at least the you from before and that shattered my heart. I would force myself into anything I could, trying to find a distraction but you were always on my mind. I tried to keep you safe as much as possible when we were in the Capital for the battle because if you got hurt... or I gave you that pill... it would mean giving up on you and that is something I could NEVER do! Not during our first games, not then and not now because no matter you always had faith in me" I could feel the determination creeping into her voice now as my heart swelled with gratitude and love for the woman in front of me but she continued and this time the hurt in her voice was unmistakable.
"And then it was all over... and Prim was... Prim was gone and I-I I couldn't cope... I shut down. I went through the motions but I couldn't-couldn't bring myself to move on, let her go and just be happy that she lived rather than sad she died" I stood frozen, amazed by the fact that Katniss was spilling her soul to me and this time when I reached for her she didn't pull away instead she allowed me to surround her with my strong arms as I tried to protect her from the wrongs she had already suffered from, tears cascading down her face.
"But then you were there" she mumbled into my chest "as alive and as strong as you always were and you brought me back to myself and made me realise that I can't live without you! You are the reason I get up on a morning and still have strength to smile. The reason I stay by you and I'm at your side when you need me most is that you were there when I needed YOU most and all of a sudden, behind my back, the love I pretended to have for you... wasn't pretend anymore." she stated, honestly and meaningfully, and I drew back so as to not just hear the honesty in her voice but to see it in her eyes.
"I love you Peeta Mellark and although I know you've loved me for so much longer please believe me when I say that my love for you is real and true, it is the only reason I protected you in the Quarter Quell and the reason why only you could be the one to fix me. I stay, even though you say there's "no need to act anymore" because I'm not acting anymore. It breaks me every time you have an episode but you fix me again without realising it, just by smiling that beautiful smile when they're over"
"I smile because you are always there when they stop!" I whisper to her while pulling her into my arms, crushing her to my chest, hearing her giggle in a very un-Katniss like manner as I do so. I cautiously started to lean back, only to find her dark brown eyes staring straight into my blue ones. Slowly bending down to her height I captured her soft lips in mine. Katniss and I had shared countless kisses before. There had been times where I had kissed her, times where she had kissed me and times where it had just happened because the cameras were there. But this kiss had to be by far the best both of us huddled together in the Victors kitchen, nothing but truth, trust and a final feeling at peacefulness between us. This kiss was the best because I knew it was real.
When we finally pulled apart I could see the smallest hint of a blush creeping up her face. I kissed her nose, in a successful attempt to intensify her blush.
"What do we do now" she mumbled "how do things change between us?" I tried to stifle as small laugh as she said that, but it escaped anyway.
"Nothing has to change between us Katniss. Nothing. We go on loving each other the way we used to, or the way we have, only this time we don't have to show it like we had to before. People don't have to know if you don't want them to" I say, smiling at her. She sighs and relaxes into me at that.
"You must love me…" she murmurs.
"I do Katniss, I really do" I remark, resting my cheek back onto the top of her head and letting out a slow, steady breath I didn't realise I'd been holding and finally relaxed into warm embrace.
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