She Says; He Says

"It's been, what, a year now?" Fuu is huddled at a table with her fellow waitresses in the thankfully closed restaurant. She'd nipped a bit of alcohol and was now doling it out. "I never thought I'd miss either one of them."

One of the girls titters. "Who -- oh, those people you traveled with, honestly, who would miss them?"

About three weeks of walking away, Mugen blackmails another round out of the gang members he's frightened.

"What girl?"

"This whiny broad I used to kick around with, er . . . Fang? Fifi? Fuu! I think that's it. Maybe it was Fooey."

Farthest away of all, Jin tucks his hands into sleeves and tries to ignore the woman trying to give him something to drink. She just doesn't get it.

Fuu sips her drink slowly. "Well, I guess I just miss having to be saved. A little bit -- since you do usually need to be kidnapped to be saved."

"How romantic!"

"She got herself fucking kidnapped all the time. Couldn't even go a town without some weirdo being all 'ha ha! I have your woman! Chase me; just chase me' like a damn fag." Mugen takes a deep pull on his drink. "She was so damn pissy when that happened. And it always had to be me who did the saving. Ugh, who was he . . . Jinny, was always 'I'll hold them off, you do the heavy work, hn'. Always pissy when saved, NEVER GRATEFUL that girl."

"Not unless it was Jin." Fuu wrinkled her nose. "Because at least he smelled better, even if he didn't talk. And if he did, it was polite. No, it was always the smelly one with fleas who never shut up. Never. And it was always, always him. Can't the nice one come to save me? NO. Because he's got to cover Mugen's ass because Mugen would always get so absorbed with killing everyone that they'd both forget to save me. It usually couldn't be helped in Jin's case. They usually sent someone special after him."

"How terrible! But, how did either one even remember to . . . ?"

"Because I was the one who paid for everything. Food, drink and sex."

Jin is wishing he was a turtle because, hey, a shell would be great right now.

"Fucking samurai with the sword up his ass instead of in his hand. It was so sickening how pretty he was; sickening how every single place we went, they all hung all over him. They positively adored him! Sure, it meant a free score from time to time, but for fuck's sake, I always had to bring him to get them to come."

"Who?"

"WOMEN. God damn it, had to practically prize them off him to get a screw in. It's sick, just plain sick. And then I'd get yelled at later because I'm a man. She never did get it."

"Ugh, they used to always run off the second we ever reached a city or, rather, any place of civilization big enough to have a redlight district -- this is probably why I got kidnapped in the first place. There was this one time that Mugen nearly bought me before realizing that it was me. Then he bought someone else."

"If they've got you, then why would they need to go there in the first -- "

"No way on this earth would I have done either one of them. Especially not the smelly one."

"Yelled at?"

"By that bitch -- oh, now I can't remember her name . . ."

"Fooey?"

"That's not it -- whatever, she's always bitch on and on about why I'd even have to go to a damn whorehouse if I had her."

"Small tits?"

"Microscopic."

By now, poor Jin was doing his best to blend in with his seat ( which was rather unfortunately red ) and ignore the large bust being readily thrust at his face. He began to count the ceiling tiles.

"And they both got off on insulting me. I couldn't go one day without hearing how ugly I was, or how incompetent or how small my . . . breasts were."

"If they had no interest in you, then why even bother looking?"

"One of the great questions of our time, but sadly, there is still no answer to the logic of men who think with their dick."

"Ahem." One of the girls raises her cup. "I'll drink to that."

"And then, then, after all the nerve of her going and getting kidnapped, she's got to make us talk about -- what did he call it -- sentimentality."

"You mean, like, mushy shit?"

"Yeah. Do you know how much women cry? Especially when they get all sentimentality? A LOT."

"Oi."

"The best part of it is that Jinny actually goes and comforts that brat and they get all snuggly and I have to take care of the fire all by myself. Fuck them."

"I tried to find out more about 'em, but I never really did. Other than Mugen shouldn't have even been alive, period, and Jin is a very wanted man for using self defense. Something like that."

"You haven't seen them since?"

Fuu shook her head. "Nah, I don't think it's time for that yet. I need to finish complaining about them."

"So, fuck them, who needs 'em right? Much better off on my own."

"I wouldn't say so. If she was still paying for your booze -- "

"Yeah, yeah, you lot wouldn't be paying for it. Suck it up."

"But, you know," Fuu taps the rim of her cup with a small smile. "Once I am done complaining, I might miss them. Maybe a little. And then I'll leave to look for 'em with ambitions, you know? Maybe convince them to . . . well, I don't know yet. Something."

"Fuck them, but . . . " he pauses. "It is kind of nice to have Jinny to beat up and Fuu to annoy. It wouldn't be completely awful to run into them. At least as long it's not in a whorehouse. Too weird. It's happened before. Nearly bought her too -- you know, 'til I recognized her. Went and got the bigger tits."

". . . that was sentimenality."

"Shut the fuck up."

Jin suddenly finds himself sneezing quite violently. Was someone talking about him? He is suddenly reminded of the fact that this never happened that things like this never happened when he had other people around. Like the smell of one and the grating voice of the other. Damn if that wasn't the best repellent to ever exist. That's it! They were great at keeping him safe from overtly amourous women. And if they are talking about him, well, then at least the sneezing got rid of this one.

Note: It's crack-ish. Maybe there's shipping if you squint? I was listening to 'Summer Nights' and it's got the two different versions of one story, I like that. This isn't quite like that, but that was the original idea. This is the point where you call me a bad person and I nod shamefully. I need a better title too. Ugh, so awful.