Barbie Detective 1

Barbie Richards arrived at the amusement park with her "friend" and assistant detective, Becky Cunningham. A stout, gray-haired man of about 50 years old walked out of the office.

"Hi, I'm Bert Franklin! I own the Lou Zurr Amusement Park!" the man said.

"Barbie Richards, detective. I've come to…" she paused. "Becky, what's the word?"

"Investigate." Becky said dryly.

"Investigate! I'm here to investigate! By the way, this is my handicapped friend, Becky. She'll be helping me."

"More like solving it for you; then you take the credit," she muttered under her breath.

"What's that? You'd like me to tell him your story?" Becky rolled her eyes. "Well, one day she was on her toilet. Then a tornado came and destroyed her house, killing her entire family. She was sucked up by the tornado and dropped into a cornfield, PARALYZING HER FOR LIFE FROM THE WAIST DOWN!"

"At least I got a Master's degree, unlike you who got the better job because you're prettier!" Becky said.

"Oh Becky, always the joker, So my boyfriend Ken was locked up during a charity fundraiser and never found… where can I find this magician?" she asked.

"Well, her office is near here. Just go that way!" Bert Franklin pointed. While Barbie walked and Becky wheeled they saw a figure clothed in black.

"Look Becky! That must be the culprit! It looks like he was heading toward the carousel!" Barbie said.

"Why don't you chase after him?" Becky asked.

"Because Becky, if I run, I sweat and I don't want to! Let's find the magician woman first!" Barbie said and she knocked on the door. No one answered. Her back door was also waving in the wind, it was just opened.

"Hello? HELLO? Anybody in there? Come on out! I know you're there!" Barbie yelled.

"You airheaded moron! That figure in black clothes must be the magician! I can't believe you didn't figure that out the second she didn't answer!" Becky yelled, angrily.

"Oh, silly Becky. She might be out getting coffee! Just because it looks like she has 4 black trenchcoat/shirt/pants/hat combos doesn't make her the villain! How many normal people have that ensemble? It's very pretty! You know I got half of an Associate's degree in Fashion Design!" Barbie said for her cockamamie excuse.

"You idiot! I'm going to the carousel to unmask her. You get on because you're not in a wheelchair but you should be because you are obviously mentally retarded!" Becky ordered. Barbie walked to the carousel and got on the horse. The figure got on the horse that was 3 ahead of her. Becky was circling the carousel in her wheelchair.

"YOU MORON! Get off the freakin' horse and catch that person!" Becky screamed.

"Becky, what if I fell off and cracked my head open? Nope, I'll wait till the ride stops, let this mystery person walk a second and I'll determine where he/she's going."

"You mean Wanda McMillon, the magician? Jeez, I remember my interview for this stinking job."

3 years ago…

"Becky Cunningham! Got a Bachelor's Degree in Criminal Justice at the University of Tehran and a Master's of Technological Engineering at Northwestern University!

"Very impressive, you are sure to get the job!"

Barbie's Interview…

"The D-cup bra seems so small for me! Sometimes I just don't wear it. Maybe they could fashion me an E-cup. Anyway, I'm Barbara Ann Richards, I was born in Miami, Florida. I got half of an associate's degree in Fashion & Cosmetics. Do I get the job? And I'm admired for my huge lips, they're natural!" Barbie said in her interview.

"You want the job! You can have it! Take my job! Take the Head of the CIA's Job! WOW!" the recruiter said.

"What's going on in here? Have you hired the federal detecti…" Bill Clinton stopped. "Well, how would you like to be First Lady for a day?"

Becky sulked by the concession stand while Barbie flounced over there. Barbie had a magnifying glass in hand.

"This must be an old invention invented for the circus."

"You idiot! It's a magnifying glass and they gave you it before you got here!" Becky scoffed.

"Yes Becky, this does magnify my beauty! Is Idiot a French word? Is it a perfume?" Barbie asked. Becky covered her face in embarrassment.

"HEY! There's a shed! Let's see if anyone's home!" Barbie said, knocking on the shed. A man in a straw hat and overalls answered that looked like he only had a 3rd grade education.

"Hi, I'm Barbie Richards, I'm investigating stuff here. Have you seen anything suspicious?" she asked.

"I'm Arty the Handyman, Wanda McMillon wanted all the money from the charity drive. But Bert was giving it to underprivileged children in Senegal! She said she would lock Ken Berkley, the Senagalian missionary in the box, then hide it!" Arty said.

"Interesting… I bet it was that Bert Franklin!" Barbie said.

"Nope", Arty said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING HE JUST SAID? YOU AIRHEADED MORON!" Becky screeched.

"Yep", Arty said.

"Airheads and Mormons? I like Airheads, especially the red kind. Mormons scare me, aren't they the ones with the multiple gods with all the arms?"

"That's HINDU and it's nothing alike!"

"Yep", Arty concurred.

"Becky, do you think it's appropriate to talk about this? I'm trying to solve a mystery here!" Barbie said, irritated.

"Hey Barbie, the "mystery person" is walking to the slide! Why don't you follow him?" Becky asked.

"Good idea Becky! Thanks for your help!"

"Yep", Arty said.

"Hick…", Becky muttered.

Barbie and Becky got to the slide and Barbie waited until the mystery person got in the elevator.

"Why did you wait for her to get in the elevator? You could have apprehended her and saved time!" Becky yelled.

"I have no idea." The elevator returned, Barbie and Becky got in. When the villain went down, Barbie followed.

"WILL YOU JUMP ON HER ALREADY?" Becky screamed.

"What if I get rugburn or whiplash? Or worse, I break a nail?" Barbie asked, "If I just stay behind him, Bert Franklin, I'll catch him!" Barbie said.

"I'M NOT BERT FRANKLIN! I'M WANDA MCMILLON, THE MAGICIAN! I DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE HIM!" Wanda yelled.

"Nice try Bert Franklin!"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE! THIS IS TOO EMBARASSING, I'M RIDING DOWN THIS SLIDE ON THE WHEELCHAIR!" Becky yelled. She wheeled down the slide. She was cruising fast.
"BECKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Barbie yelled. She took the wrong way down the slide and separated from the villain.

"BETTER WATCH OUT, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S BECKY!" Becky said, her iris and pupils metaphorically bouncing all about her eyeballs. The villain took out a wand and disappeared.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Becky screamed. Becky couldn't turn the wheelchair and crashed off the slide and careened into the pavement from 50 feet above. The wheelchair exploded into a million pieces. Barbie walked over with the magnifying glass on her eye which enlarged it about 50x.

"You IDIOT! MORON! SIMPLETON! AIRHEAD! SELFISH! OBLIVIOUS! CRAZYPERSON! IF YOU JUST JUMPED ON THE VILLAIN AND DIDN'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR STUPID NAILS WE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN HER! NOW I'M COMPLETELY PARALYZED FROM THE HEAD DOWN! GOD, I HATE YOU!" Becky yelled, obviously on a tirade.

"Look, Bert Franklin dropped a key and a security tape!" Barbie observed and picked it up.

"…", Becky stared in awe that she didn't hear her ream her or that she didn't care that she was paralyzed from the lower abdomen down, considering she could move her arms.
"I'll get you a wheelchair in a second but lets go to the security center!" Barbie said, abandoning Becky. She walked in to find Bert Franklin's son, William Franklin.

"Hi, I'm William Franklin, my father runs the carnival." He said.

"He locked Ken in a box!" Barbie said.

"No he didn't!" That did it. Barbie's fixation on Bert Franklin caused her to go into an ape rage. She threw his son into a wall and started hitting him with a clipboard. Barbie crossed the line into total and utter insanity. Spit was dribbling from her mouth, her tongue was sagging, her eyes bulging, laughing like a maniac. She beat him then whacked him with a broom a few times. She locked him up in a cabinet.

"KEN! AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! I LOVE COOKIES! DO YOU HAVE ANY COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES?" she said, psychotically.

"I have some licorice in the bottom drawer…" Franklin said nervously.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! THIS IS BLACK LICORICE!" Barbie yelled. She tipped the cabinet over and hit it a few times with a shovel. Barbie then put the security tape in to see Ken being locked up below Wanda's stage.

"Oh my God! Ken's being locked up in BERT FRANKLIN'S OFFICE!" Barbie screeched.

"NO HE ISN'T!" Becky yelled who just crawled in from waiting so long. "THAT'S UNDER WANDA'S STAGE!"

"Come along Becky, I got me a wheelchair! And I may have made Bert Franklin's son brain damaged!" Barbie said, but primal insanity overtook her again. Becky wheeled out when she saw it in her eyes. Barbie went crazy, totally destroying the office. She ran out, breaking down the door and running around the carnival, like an ape, laughing hysterically.

"Well, that's the last I see of her before Animal Control gets a hold of her…" Becky mumbled. She went in the case Ken was put into and it took her down to the basement. But she didn't have a key. She had to wait until Barbie would return to her normal level of sanity and wander in here.

Meanwhile…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Barbie yelled. She was still running around like an escaped mental patient, she ripped down the sign with Bert Franklin. She then, removed a lamppost, summoned some apelike strength and started swinging it around when she destroyed the gift shop. She arrived at Wanda's stage and broke the case that leads to her magic trick. She started breaking everything but Becky snatched the lamppost from her and smacked her with it. Wheeling over, she snatched the key. She wheeled over to open the case. It opened with Ken inside.

"Becky?" Ken asked.

"Ken! Oh my God… what's that smell? You wet yourself and it smells like you did it numerous times! Even pooped yourself! Great job Mr. Poopypants! And how could you breathe, there are no holes in this box!" Becky yelled. Barbie awoke minutes later. They all went to where all the rides were and the villain boarded the Tunnel of Love.

"Let's go!" Becky said. All three of them got into a swan boat.

"The swan is a motorboat! Floor it, Barbie!" Becky commanded. But, of course, Barbie didn't. She went very slow and couldn't catch up with the jerk.

"GO FASTER! Ugh… Move over!" Becky yelled. Barbie surrendered the steering wheel and Becky took the helm with a little bit of Ken's help.

"KEN! Put those encyclopedias conveniently placed in this boat on my foot!" Becky ordered. Ken placed them on her feet and the speedboat went very fast, Becky was a pretty good driver for a handicapped person.

Finally, Becky got her much sought-after revenge on Barbie, when they went over the ramps; Barbie hit her head on the metal bar and fell into the water.

"BECKY! Come back! I can't swim!" Barbie yelled, arms flailing.

"It's three feet of water you airhead!" Becky called back. Becky navigated the swan so when she jumped over the ramp she would crash into the other drivers. When she did, the swan's neck flew through the air and hit the dazed Barbie on the head while she walked there.

"Let's see who you really are!" Barbie said. She pulled off the mask revealing… Wanda McMillon.

"Wanda McMillon? I never knew… I never would have guessed!" Barbie said surprised.

"I've told you that after we were here for five minutes." Becky sneered. She got out in the wheelchair. Bert Franklin had reporters crowding around the entrance next to the duck pond.

"So Barbie, how did you catch the criminal?" the reporter asked.

"Well, actually…" Becky started. Barbie then pushed Becky's wheelchair into the duck pond where she almost drowned.

"We had a little help from someone", Barbie said, staring at Arty and his pet.

"Do you mean the rabbit?" Becky asked as she lost her oxygen supply. "After all of this… I'm kind of glad I'm paralyzed."

"Looks like the only magic you'll be doing is for charity when you return the money and go to jail, you scumbag!" Ken said.

"Oh Ken!" everyone said and laughed while Becky was drowning.

HOT DETECTIVE SOLVES CARNIVAL CAPER!

(Assistant Handicapped Detective Almost Drowned)

Wallah Wallah, Washington – Barbie Richards, FBI Detective solves the Salvation Army charity drive mystery at the Lou Zurr Carnival! It turns out Wanda McMillon, magician was in for the money and locked up the missionary in a trunk where he wet himself 5 times. We have her assistant that almost drowned with a quote:

"I hate Barbie. I hope she dies a horrible, painful death and BURNS!"

And that was her obviously delirious assistant, Rebecca Cunningham.