Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. I don't own Zaraki. I don't own Ishida, or Ichigo. They all belong to Kubo Tite.
LOL, I just couldn't help it. I had to make this pairing. Zaraki and anybody is hilarious. Ishida and anybody is hilarious. You put the two together; it's like crack. I hope you like the ending.
Lemme know if you want another chapter or not! I could just end it here, but with enough prodding (heh, prodding), I could manage more. Rated M for language and gropage. Please Read and Review!
Chapter One(?)
Staring at his fragile form, Zaraki could only sense that the boy was weak. The fact that the bastard even dared to challenge him to a duel only outraged him more. How dare such a weakling rank himself as a worthy opponent of Zaraki Kenpachi? Even so, seeing the boy with the little… arrow…thing… pointed at him with a determined look, Zaraki was overcome with an unfamiliar feeling; one that had nothing to do with battle or blood. The boy looked so… adorable! He was just so adorable!
His unshielded eye gave the boy a quick once-over. He's like a delicate flower. A delicate flower that…fuck it, I'll just kill him!
Lifting his soul cutter, a large, malevolent grin on his face, Zaraki prepared to slice the boy to shreds. Somehow, though, watching the kid adjust his spectacles and pinprick him with his arrow thingamabobs, his heart melted. Something in him didn't want to kill the boy. I've never felt this way before, Zaraki thought, sensing a tear rolling down his cheek. He wiped at it, aggravated. Nope, just blood.
"What's wrong, Kenpachi? I thought you said something about slicing me to pieces," the cocky young brat ridiculed, becoming overconfident.
"Heh. Then I guess I'd better live up to my promise." Once again, Zaraki lifted his blade, eager to strike.
Ishida's cocky smile threw him off. Black strands of hair waved in the wind; he was an image of beauty. Zaraki had never felt so attracted to someone for reasons other than skillful fighting. He'd never really been attracted to anyone, period. So the thought of finding not just another man attractive, but a boy, was simply foreign to him. Even getting a bone for a man made more sense; at least men, real men, were muscular, powerful, and served as entertaining opponents in battle. But a boy? A scrawny, nerdy-looking boy? Zaraki just didn't understand.
"I'll fucking kill you!" he shouted, sprinting forward at full force. Instantly, the Quincy seemed to vanish, then reappear to his side, arrow drawn. Zaraki jumped, then attacked, his zanpakutu screaming all the while.
SLASH!
"Ugh!" The Quincy child groped at his blood-stained chest; the wound was somewhat shallow, but effective. It stung.
The image of the Quincy all bloodied up and in pain, his cape ripped to pieces, made Zaraki's heart melt. Wait, heart? Zaraki didn't even know he had a heart. In fact, he was pretty sure he'd either never had one, or had it ripped out of his chest somewhere along the line without ever noticing its absence.
"Hah! You can't even dent me with your pussy arrow, boy," Zaraki mused, mocking the Quincy's seemingly futile attempts at wounding him.
"You're not the only one holding back," the self-assured boy contended.
"You can't afford to hold back much longer, kid. At this rate, you're," he paused, lifting his sword for the fatal blow, "DONE FOR!"
He brought his sword down, hoping the boy's death might put an end to the rage in his pants. Upon contact, a clash! Metal on metal collided unexpectedly. What the fuck?
As the cloud of dust dispersed, before him stood a clump of bright orange hair, armed with a ridiculously oversized zanpakutu. Ichigo!
"Sorry, Kenpachi. I'm afraid I just can't let you kill my friend here. Or, well, perhaps I can't let him kill you," he corrected, smirking arrogantly.
The orange-haired boy turned to the other, frowning a bit upon seeing the battle wounds Kenpachi had left him. "I told you, I don't want you fighting! You just got your powers back again and I don't want you to lose them again!" he lectured, sighing as his hand stroked the other's cheek adoringly.
Most horrifically, as the boy's fingers traced Ishida's soft lips, he began to lean in. Zaraki watched in dismay as Ichigo's tongue intermingled with Ishida's passionately. His hand grasped Ishida's jawbone tenderly as his tongue swirled wildly inside the other boy's mouth, while his other hand traveled to lower regions, groping his comrade's manhood.
Kenpachi gripped his sword's hilt just a little bit tighter. All the more reason to kill that dandelion!
Ichigo looked up, startled by Zaraki's sudden climb in reiatsu. He'd even taken off his eye patch! At this rate, with such an overwhelming reiatsu alone, Kenpachi stood a chance of defeating him! Maybe even… killing him!
"Kurosaki, stop!" Zaraki's preparation to attack came to a sudden halt as Ishida now stood in front of the dandelion child, blocking his fight. "This is my battle. Let me fight just this once, please. Have a little faith." He blushed a bit, his cheeks becoming tainted with pink. The boy's adorability levels were skyrocketing.
Inching forward, Zaraki couldn't help himself any longer. The boy, not anticipating this approach, guarded himself, prepared to shoot should Zaraki's strange movements prove hazardous. Just what is he doing? thought the black-haired boy.
Now face to face with his rival, Zaraki fumbled with his sword a bit out of nervous habit. After all the battles he'd fought and all the people he'd killed, this was the first time Zaraki Kenpachi struggled to gather all his courage. He looked down, unable to meet the boy's gaze. Fucking pussy, just do it! he scolded himself.
"I think I love you!" he blurted, humbling himself and surrendering to whatever consequences might ensue.
Ishida looked shocked. His face flushed, becoming somehow even paler than usual; his eyes refused to close, unable to look away from the sight of a battle-hungry buffoon confessing his love to a teenage boy he'd just met (and nearly killed). He opened his mouth to reply, finding the words a little hard to place. At last, the Quincy was able to muster the strength to reply to Zaraki's declaration, searching deep within his soul.
"What the fuck, are you queer!? Uhhgh!" retorted the young Quincy; a bit repulsed by the captain's frank confession. "I fucking hate queers!"
Zaraki's head sank in disappointment, his spiky hair beginning to droop like a wilted flower.