"I Don't Need No Bleedin' Arrows!"
by Maggie C.
Disclaimer: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, Angel and all the characters in this story do not belong to me, they belong to Joss Whedon and Co. Only the story's mine.
Setting: Sometime after Season 6.
Author's Notes: Much thanks to Greywizard and Merlin, who beta'd this for me. Also thanks to Greywizard for the title. This is just a short, humorous take on Ray's idea.
---------------
"Angel."
::pause:: "Spike?"
"Yeah, it's me."
"Why the hell are you calling me? What do you want?"
"I need your help."
"You expect *me* to help *you*?"
"It's not for me, it's for Buffy and Xander."
"Buffy and Xander?"
"Yeah, I need advice on how to get them together."
"Get them... what??"
"Get them together. As in romantically."
::pause:: "Spike, is that chip in your head malfunctioning?"
"No! I don't even have the chip anymore."
"What??"
"You heard me."
"You have your chip out?"
"Yeah."
"And instead of going on a killing spree, you're trying to play matchmaker?"
::sigh:: "Yes."
"For a man you hate and the woman you tried to rape last year."
"You heard about that, huh? Look, that's part of why I'm doing this. I have to try and make up for what I've done."
::another pause:: "Spike, is it just you that's gone insane or is it the entire universe?"
"I'm not insane."
"Spike, you're a vampire! Vampires kill people!"
::mumble::
"What was that?"
"I got my bleedin' soul back, are you happy?"
"You... what?"
"I got my soul back! I went to Africa, tried to get the chip out so I could come back and kill the whole soddin' lot of them, and the bastards there went and gave me my soul back! Are you happy now?"
"You have your soul back." ::laughter:: "My God, this is fantastic. Spike, it couldn't happen to a more deserving vampire."
"Oh, shut up."
"Still doesn't explain why you're trying to play matchmaker."
::sigh:: "It's part of the deal. I only got my soul back so I could give Buffy what she deserves. Turns out that's the carpenter."
"You have got to be kidding me."
"Would I joke about this? Look, I know, it's completely whacko, but it turns out he and Buffy are soulmates or some crap like that."
::pause:: "You know, actually, it makes sense."
"What?"
"It makes sense. Explains a lot."
"I expected you to be upset by this."
"I've moved on from Buffy, Spike. I just want her to be happy."
"Good, then tell me what to do! I've tried everything to get them to fall for each other, and nothing's worked!"
"Well, there's your first problem. They're already in love with each other, they just don't realize it."
"They are not. Buffy's always thought of him as a friend, and he got over her a long time ago."
::snort:: "Spike, please. Xander has in no way, shape, or form gotten over Buffy. He's still as in love with her as he ever was. Probably even more now."
"How do you know that? You haven't even been here."
"Spike, I've seen what he'll do for her. Love like that does not just go away. Besides, if they are meant to be together, then they've loved each other from the start."
"Well, maybe..."
"Just get them to realize it."
"But I've tried everything! Little hints, arranged meetings..."
"Spike, are you trying to be subtle?"
"Well, yeah."
"Spike, think about who you're dealing with."
::pause:: "Good point. Subtle won't work."
"Doesn't have a chance in hell."
"What do you suggest, then?"
"The direct approach. Tell them."
"I'd prefer not to be staked, thank you."
"Well, I suppose you could point out to Buffy all the times he's helped her that she doesn't know about."
"Like all those times he kept you from killing her?"
"Yeah, for starters. It should get her thinking in the right direction. Oh, and if you really want to get them going, mention the bomb Xander disarmed when all of them are there. Should be worth it just to see their reactions."
"What bomb are you talking about?"
"Just mention it, Spike."
"Hey, I want to know details, here!"
"I'll tell you what. Mention it to them, then call me back and tell me how they reacted. I'll tell you the rest of the story, then."
"Is it worth it?"
"Oh, it's very worth it."
* * * * * * * *
"Hello?"
"Well, thank you *very* much. I bet you think you're a bloody genius, don't you?"
"Spike? What happened?"
"Thanks to you and your little 'bomb', Buffy and Xander aren't even speaking to each other!"
"Oh. It backfired, huh?"
"Hell yeah it backfired! They *both* nearly staked me until they figured out I had no idea what really happened. You're lucky I didn't sic 'em on you."
"Why didn't you?"
::grumble::
"What?"
::grumble:: "I hate having a bloody conscience."
"You know, I'm really enjoying you with a soul, Spike."
"Shut up and tell me how to fix this."
"I can't do both."
"You know, Angel, I can always tell them who told me about the bomb."
"Right. Well, what happened when you told them?"
"Well, Xander got all surprised, and then he got pissed, and asked me how I knew about it. Buffy and the others were asking him what I was talking about. But he wouldn't tell them. Buffy tried to beat it out of me but, of course, I had no clue what happened. Then they started screaming at each other. Buffy tried to get him to fess up, he told her it was none of her business, and it went downhill from there."
"Well, crap. How bad did it get?"
"Bad enough that they can't even stand to be in the same room together. And it's been 2 days!"
"Damn."
"I should come down to LA and beat the crap out of you. Here I am trying to get them together and you give me this piece of info that sets them at each other's throats!"
"Spike, calm down. Did you try the other thing?"
"You mean talking to Buffy about all the times he's saved her ass? Yeah, and it was working like a charm! Until I tried your little plan."
"They were both my plans. Besides, this can still work."
"How???"
"You need to talk to Xander. Get him to tell Buffy what happened."
"How do you propose I do that? In case you didn't know, he hates me and would sooner stake me than talk to me."
"Well, of course he hates you, Spike, we all do. But I'm sure you'll think of something."
"Fine, you bloody wanker, I will think of something. Now, will you tell me what happened with the damn bomb?"
"Nope."
"What do you mean, 'nope'?"
"Talk to Xander and let me know what happens. I'll tell you then."
* * * * * * * *
"Hello, Angel."
"Spike. What happened?"
"He nearly staked me, that's what happened."
"Well, obviously he didn't, so what happened?"
"Anxious, are we?"
"Spike!"
"Alright, alright. Well, I talked to him. He nearly-"
"-staked you, I know, get to the point!"
"Well, I managed to get him to realize that he needed to talk to Buffy. You should have seen me, I was brilliant."
"Spike, I don't care how brilliant you were. Did he tell Buffy about the bomb?"
"You bloody well should care about how brilliant I was! You should have seen his face after I asked him what he did that was so horrible he couldn't tell Buffy about it. He was more confused than I'd ever seen him, and that's saying a lot."
"Spike!"
"Oh, calm down. He talked to her, okay?"
"And?"
"And what?"
"Are they together or not!?"
"Oh, that."
"Yes, that!"
"Well, not yet. But they're both thinking in that direction, that's for sure. I give it two weeks before they're an official couple."
"Damn. I can't believe you did it."
"You don't have to sound so surprised." ::pause:: "So, you going to tell me now?"
"Tell you what?"
"About the bomb."
"Didn't Xander tell you what happened?"
"Well, yeah, but I don't know if I got the real story or not."
"Tell me what he said, and then I tell you if it's true."
"You want to know what he said?"
"Yes, Spike, I want to know what he said."
"Well, he said... nice try, but he still ain't telling you what happened."
"What!?"
"He told me all about it, Angel. You've been trying to get that story out of him for years. You must really be desperate if you thought up this scheme."
"Spike!"
::laughter:: "It was a hell of a story, too. Had all the elements - violence, sex, more violence, suspense, humor, more violence, and an edge-of-your-seat ending."
"I hate you."
"By the way, the humor part was that ridiculous scene between you and Buffy he walked in on."
"I really hate you."
"Serves you right. Here I was asking for help and you try to use the situation to your advantage. Shame on you, Angel."
::grumble::
"I should thank you, though."
"Go to hell, Spike."
"Seriously. After the other night, Xander and I found some common ground. We both agree that you're a bloody poofter."
"Oh, God, don't tell me he *likes* you now."
"Well of course not! This is Xander Harris, remember? He still hates me and he sure as hell doesn't trust me. He just no longer actively wants me dead. He tolerates me now, and it's all thanks to you."
"Shut up."
"Now, really, I need to thank you properly for this. I was thinking maybe a nice gift basket, or maybe a stuffed be-"
::dial tone::
"Well. He didn't have to be rude about it."
---------------
The End.
by Maggie C.
Disclaimer: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, Angel and all the characters in this story do not belong to me, they belong to Joss Whedon and Co. Only the story's mine.
Setting: Sometime after Season 6.
Author's Notes: Much thanks to Greywizard and Merlin, who beta'd this for me. Also thanks to Greywizard for the title. This is just a short, humorous take on Ray's idea.
---------------
"Angel."
::pause:: "Spike?"
"Yeah, it's me."
"Why the hell are you calling me? What do you want?"
"I need your help."
"You expect *me* to help *you*?"
"It's not for me, it's for Buffy and Xander."
"Buffy and Xander?"
"Yeah, I need advice on how to get them together."
"Get them... what??"
"Get them together. As in romantically."
::pause:: "Spike, is that chip in your head malfunctioning?"
"No! I don't even have the chip anymore."
"What??"
"You heard me."
"You have your chip out?"
"Yeah."
"And instead of going on a killing spree, you're trying to play matchmaker?"
::sigh:: "Yes."
"For a man you hate and the woman you tried to rape last year."
"You heard about that, huh? Look, that's part of why I'm doing this. I have to try and make up for what I've done."
::another pause:: "Spike, is it just you that's gone insane or is it the entire universe?"
"I'm not insane."
"Spike, you're a vampire! Vampires kill people!"
::mumble::
"What was that?"
"I got my bleedin' soul back, are you happy?"
"You... what?"
"I got my soul back! I went to Africa, tried to get the chip out so I could come back and kill the whole soddin' lot of them, and the bastards there went and gave me my soul back! Are you happy now?"
"You have your soul back." ::laughter:: "My God, this is fantastic. Spike, it couldn't happen to a more deserving vampire."
"Oh, shut up."
"Still doesn't explain why you're trying to play matchmaker."
::sigh:: "It's part of the deal. I only got my soul back so I could give Buffy what she deserves. Turns out that's the carpenter."
"You have got to be kidding me."
"Would I joke about this? Look, I know, it's completely whacko, but it turns out he and Buffy are soulmates or some crap like that."
::pause:: "You know, actually, it makes sense."
"What?"
"It makes sense. Explains a lot."
"I expected you to be upset by this."
"I've moved on from Buffy, Spike. I just want her to be happy."
"Good, then tell me what to do! I've tried everything to get them to fall for each other, and nothing's worked!"
"Well, there's your first problem. They're already in love with each other, they just don't realize it."
"They are not. Buffy's always thought of him as a friend, and he got over her a long time ago."
::snort:: "Spike, please. Xander has in no way, shape, or form gotten over Buffy. He's still as in love with her as he ever was. Probably even more now."
"How do you know that? You haven't even been here."
"Spike, I've seen what he'll do for her. Love like that does not just go away. Besides, if they are meant to be together, then they've loved each other from the start."
"Well, maybe..."
"Just get them to realize it."
"But I've tried everything! Little hints, arranged meetings..."
"Spike, are you trying to be subtle?"
"Well, yeah."
"Spike, think about who you're dealing with."
::pause:: "Good point. Subtle won't work."
"Doesn't have a chance in hell."
"What do you suggest, then?"
"The direct approach. Tell them."
"I'd prefer not to be staked, thank you."
"Well, I suppose you could point out to Buffy all the times he's helped her that she doesn't know about."
"Like all those times he kept you from killing her?"
"Yeah, for starters. It should get her thinking in the right direction. Oh, and if you really want to get them going, mention the bomb Xander disarmed when all of them are there. Should be worth it just to see their reactions."
"What bomb are you talking about?"
"Just mention it, Spike."
"Hey, I want to know details, here!"
"I'll tell you what. Mention it to them, then call me back and tell me how they reacted. I'll tell you the rest of the story, then."
"Is it worth it?"
"Oh, it's very worth it."
* * * * * * * *
"Hello?"
"Well, thank you *very* much. I bet you think you're a bloody genius, don't you?"
"Spike? What happened?"
"Thanks to you and your little 'bomb', Buffy and Xander aren't even speaking to each other!"
"Oh. It backfired, huh?"
"Hell yeah it backfired! They *both* nearly staked me until they figured out I had no idea what really happened. You're lucky I didn't sic 'em on you."
"Why didn't you?"
::grumble::
"What?"
::grumble:: "I hate having a bloody conscience."
"You know, I'm really enjoying you with a soul, Spike."
"Shut up and tell me how to fix this."
"I can't do both."
"You know, Angel, I can always tell them who told me about the bomb."
"Right. Well, what happened when you told them?"
"Well, Xander got all surprised, and then he got pissed, and asked me how I knew about it. Buffy and the others were asking him what I was talking about. But he wouldn't tell them. Buffy tried to beat it out of me but, of course, I had no clue what happened. Then they started screaming at each other. Buffy tried to get him to fess up, he told her it was none of her business, and it went downhill from there."
"Well, crap. How bad did it get?"
"Bad enough that they can't even stand to be in the same room together. And it's been 2 days!"
"Damn."
"I should come down to LA and beat the crap out of you. Here I am trying to get them together and you give me this piece of info that sets them at each other's throats!"
"Spike, calm down. Did you try the other thing?"
"You mean talking to Buffy about all the times he's saved her ass? Yeah, and it was working like a charm! Until I tried your little plan."
"They were both my plans. Besides, this can still work."
"How???"
"You need to talk to Xander. Get him to tell Buffy what happened."
"How do you propose I do that? In case you didn't know, he hates me and would sooner stake me than talk to me."
"Well, of course he hates you, Spike, we all do. But I'm sure you'll think of something."
"Fine, you bloody wanker, I will think of something. Now, will you tell me what happened with the damn bomb?"
"Nope."
"What do you mean, 'nope'?"
"Talk to Xander and let me know what happens. I'll tell you then."
* * * * * * * *
"Hello, Angel."
"Spike. What happened?"
"He nearly staked me, that's what happened."
"Well, obviously he didn't, so what happened?"
"Anxious, are we?"
"Spike!"
"Alright, alright. Well, I talked to him. He nearly-"
"-staked you, I know, get to the point!"
"Well, I managed to get him to realize that he needed to talk to Buffy. You should have seen me, I was brilliant."
"Spike, I don't care how brilliant you were. Did he tell Buffy about the bomb?"
"You bloody well should care about how brilliant I was! You should have seen his face after I asked him what he did that was so horrible he couldn't tell Buffy about it. He was more confused than I'd ever seen him, and that's saying a lot."
"Spike!"
"Oh, calm down. He talked to her, okay?"
"And?"
"And what?"
"Are they together or not!?"
"Oh, that."
"Yes, that!"
"Well, not yet. But they're both thinking in that direction, that's for sure. I give it two weeks before they're an official couple."
"Damn. I can't believe you did it."
"You don't have to sound so surprised." ::pause:: "So, you going to tell me now?"
"Tell you what?"
"About the bomb."
"Didn't Xander tell you what happened?"
"Well, yeah, but I don't know if I got the real story or not."
"Tell me what he said, and then I tell you if it's true."
"You want to know what he said?"
"Yes, Spike, I want to know what he said."
"Well, he said... nice try, but he still ain't telling you what happened."
"What!?"
"He told me all about it, Angel. You've been trying to get that story out of him for years. You must really be desperate if you thought up this scheme."
"Spike!"
::laughter:: "It was a hell of a story, too. Had all the elements - violence, sex, more violence, suspense, humor, more violence, and an edge-of-your-seat ending."
"I hate you."
"By the way, the humor part was that ridiculous scene between you and Buffy he walked in on."
"I really hate you."
"Serves you right. Here I was asking for help and you try to use the situation to your advantage. Shame on you, Angel."
::grumble::
"I should thank you, though."
"Go to hell, Spike."
"Seriously. After the other night, Xander and I found some common ground. We both agree that you're a bloody poofter."
"Oh, God, don't tell me he *likes* you now."
"Well of course not! This is Xander Harris, remember? He still hates me and he sure as hell doesn't trust me. He just no longer actively wants me dead. He tolerates me now, and it's all thanks to you."
"Shut up."
"Now, really, I need to thank you properly for this. I was thinking maybe a nice gift basket, or maybe a stuffed be-"
::dial tone::
"Well. He didn't have to be rude about it."
---------------
The End.