Bond winced as the explosion went off in the seat to the right of him, looking frantically around in the small plane compartment he turned to look at the aisle across from him, closing his eyes as he realised that the first explosion had triggered a second. It was with desperation that he looked to the seat in front of him, to find too late that…yes there was the third explosion.
Dropping his head into his hands he covered his eyes and groaned pathetically before grunting as a jarring sent his recent cracked ribs into pain. Looking up he glared at the tanned man standing over him wearing a fez on his head, shorts even though they were heading back to England, with the most ridiculous sunburn - including panda eyes.
"Sorry mate, bit of a jippy stomach!" The man declared cheerfully before hurrying to the toilets…that were located right behind where Bond was sitting. Drawing in a calming breath he turned to look at the child in the seat beside him that had set off the other four children surrounding him, praying that his intimidating stare that could put fear into the hearts of known assassins would quiet the thing up. Instead he received a drooled upon teddy bear to his face and the mother apologising profusely.
Seven painful hours later found Bond practically running into Moneypenny's office, startling both her and M were they were standing in the office. The pair of them looked at him concerned, hands twitching to no doubt draw a few of the numerous weapons that they kept on their persons, and probably in the office itself.
"Bond, I thought you were supposed to report to medical before giving your mission statement and being debriefed," M frowned at him confused.
"You have to help me!" Bond pleaded startling the two again before Moneypenny narrowed her eyes.
"007 if you are trying to escape from Nurse Wrathel again then we will not hide you here!"
"No no its not Nurse Wratchet! I need you to help me apologise to Q! He's trying to kill me!" His statement was followed by a decent amount of silence and staring.
"Pardon Bond?" M finally asked.
"He's trying to kill me! I ended up in the worst seat on the plane going out, not First class! Then I got there and there was a horse and cart waiting to collect me! My link in agent in the country was a bald fifty year old with halitosis and he kept asking me about this rash he has! I ended up staying in a half a star hotel with no bed and mouldy bread as breakfast. When I tried to check into any other hotel my credit cards were refused, but when I used them later as part of my mission they were accepted! Whenever I wasn't involved in the mission music played constantly down my ear piece, music which one of the minions informed me far to cheerfully was the mission impossible theme! Then once I had completed my mission I was packing my things to come home and someone appears to have revoked my licence to hold a gun on a flight so I was taken into custody for twenty our hours before the right magically appeared again, then I was stuck at the back of the plane right next to the toilets with a man who was up and down constantly apparently suffering from 'the pharaohs curse' as he told me while apologising for the smell, with no shame! And I was stuck surrounded by four young children who cried the entire flight, in the aisle seat where every single one of the flight attendants hit me with the trolley things, every time they brought it out, and when I spoke to one of the women she warned me she would have me arrested or sexual harassment. And then when I finally got out the airport here, there was no car and no taxi would take me. I had to walk and get the bus!" James ranted before looking at them desperately.
Two seconds later the both of them burst out laughing, so much so that Moneypenny had to hold onto the edge of her desk to stop herself from falling over.
"And what exactly did you do to our beloved Q to earn this abuse?" Moneypenny asked with a wide smile. "What was that?" she asked when he muttered the answer.
"I asked him out, he won't believe that I want him, so I walked into Q branch and snogged him in front of all the minions. But he already got me back for that!" Bond pouted.
"Oh dear, that's why he tasered you with his new pen taser and everyone is terrified to say why," M sighed shaking his head.
"Bond…James. Q has access to all the files, they declare that you are most predominantly attracted to women. Model type, gorgeous women. I doubt anyone has really taken an interest in him as powerfully as you no doubt have, you can be a very intense person. The way to go about it is not pouncing on him, woo him, spend time with him, talk to him, show you are in for the long haul and will hang around till he gives you a chance," Moneypenny advised as M started looking a little uncomfortable. "You are in it for the long haul right Bond?!" she added her hand twitching towards her desk draw again.
"Yes!" Bond nodded quickly.
"No more of your little flings when you are on missions, there are other ways of getting information without sleeping with everything in sight! Q has to go over missions minute by minute sometimes!" Moneypenny glowered.
"I believe 007 has been refraining from 'sleeping with everything in sight' for the last five…no six missions Miss Moneypenny," M said, now looking exceedingly uncomfortable and starting to edge towards his office.
"Huh," Moneypenny eyed Bond with something new before nodding in approval. "I will give you the name of his favourite restaurant, book a table, I will make sure he gets there, he likes red wine but only a small amount of it, and no drinking more than a couple of glasses of whisky at the meal, you don't want him to think you need to drink to be with him," Moneypenny nodded.
"Am I ok to send the present I bought for him while I was away?" Bond frowned.
"What did you buy him?" Moneypenny actually narrowed her eyes at him!
"A watch to replace his, it's just like the one that broke. It's not his grandfather's but I thought..." Bond trailed off, both he and M looking uncomfortable while Moneypenny beamed at him.
"Yes, but send it to him a couple of hours before your meal, it will be a good start to it," She nodded.
"Ok, I'm going to...ow!" Bond yelped as his trousers suddenly caught fire on his right arse cheek. Yelping he quickly dropped his trousers as Moneypenny grabbed the fire extinguisher to put them out. Bond stood frowning and rubbing his singed arse as M dug through the remains of his £700 trousers.
"I believe your tracker was rigged to explode half an hour after you returned to Headquarters," M winced holding up the small, smoking object.
"Can you get that booking for tonight?!" Bond pleaded with Moneypenny, who was once again trying to stifle her laughter.