"Immortality - a fate worse than death."
-Edgar a. Shoaff
"Magnus, wait," Alec forced out, his voice steady, determined. Magnus paused on his way out the door, glancing back at him curiously.
"Yes, Darling?"
"There's…" Alec took a deep breath, "There's something we need to talk about." Magnus arched an eyebrow at his morbidly serious tone, but turned and flopped down on the couch obediently. He patted the seat next to him, but Alec shook his head. He was far too nervous to sit. Magnus frowned, but said nothing.
Alec continued, his voice much stronger than he felt. "I've…thought about this a lot." He snuck a peek at Magnus through his bangs. "And I…" He trailed off, beginning to lose his nerve. Magnus shifted on the couch.
"Are we breaking up?" Magnus asked in an oddly stoic voice. Alec jerked his head up, a look of horror on his face.
"What? No!" He watched as Magnus visibly relaxed, though he looked more than a little puzzled.
"Then what…?" Magnus asked slowly. Alec's hands turned to fists at his sides.
"I want to become immortal," Alec forced out in a single hurried breath. Magnus just stared at him and Alec squirmed as the silence stretched on. "…Did you hear me?" He asked, his voice shrinking, "I said—"
"I heard what you said," Magnus cut him off. "What I want to know is what on Earth you are thinking."
Alec shifted his weight from foot to foot, his insides tying themselves into knots. He hadn't been entirely sure what to expect, but Magnus' anger caught him off-guard.
"I thought you'd be happy or something," Alec mumbled. He felt more than heard Magnus' sharp intake of breath.
"'Happy'?" Magnus shook his head in a daze, getting slowly to his feet. "This is my fault," he said to himself more than to Alec, "I should have ended this before it began. I should never have let you fall in love with me."
"'Let'?" Alec asked in a strained voice.
Magnus ran a hand through his carefully spiked hair, glitter raining to the ground like snow. "I swore I would learn," Magnus muttered, sounding like he was a million miles away in a place Alec would never be able to reach.
"Don't." Alec's cold tone seemed to rouse Magnus from his stupor. He glanced at Alec, cat eyes guarded. "Don't talk to me like I'm some piece of furniture you can't return." Magnus' eyes widened but Alec pressed on. "Don't talk to me like I'm some mistake." His voice broke. "Don't act like I'm insignificant."
Magnus' shoulders sunk as if something very heavy had been dropped upon them. He took a few steps closer, but stopped when Alec shied away. Magnus sighed and it was long and pained and very, very tired. "Alec, no. You are not insignificant. You are anything but insignificant." Alec could feel his body folding in on itself, making him look as small as he felt.
"Then are you acting like I could be replaced by any stranger off the street?"
Magnus let out a sharp breath as if someone had punched him in the stomach. "You could never be replaced," Magnus declared, his voice firm. "Nothing in this world, nor any other for that matter, could ever begin to replace you."
"Then why are you angry?" Alec asked, his voice tight.
Magnus took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I am not angry at you. I am angry with myself," he clarified. He moved closer, placing his hands on Alec's shoulders. "Immortality is something I would not wish on anyone, especially you." He pulled Alec into a hug. "Believe me, I would give away everything I had or ever will have if it meant I could spend the rest of my life with you." He leaned back, tilting Alec's head up to meet his gaze. "But I am not the one who would have to sacrifice everything."
Alec stared up at Magnus and could see the pain and frustration in his eyes that matched his own.
"I don't care," Alec whispered half-heartedly. Because he loved Magnus. He loved Magnus more than anyone. But he also loved Isabelle and Jace, and yes, he supposed, even Clary.
"I care, darling," Magnus whispered back. "I don't ever want you to feel what I've felt. You don't deserve that kind of sadness."
Alec buried his face in the warm crook of Magnus' neck, hugging him almost painfully tight. He knew Magnus could feel him sag in defeat, but he also knew that Magnus would understand. Magnus loved to act like nothing could shake him but Alec could see the vulnerability behind that mask. And as much as Alec liked to pretend otherwise, he knew Magnus had loved and lost others in his eight hundred years of life, and that each one had left a scar on the warlock's heart that would never fully heal. He didn't want to leave Magnus, not only because he was selfish, but because deep down in his heart of hearts he knew that this time Magnus really might shatter for good.
Above him he could feel Magnus carding his fingers through his hair, kissing the top of his head softly in a way that made Alec's heart ache. Alec held him tighter, his fingers twisting in the fabric of Magnus' shirt. "I would do it, you know," he breathed against Magnus' neck. Magnus' hands left his hair, moving to wrap around him instead.
"I know you would, love," he said, his voice soft and sad, "I know you would."
And he squeezed Alec back like he never wanted to let go.
A/N: I wrote this in honor of the new Cassandra Clare book being released. In Clockwork Prince Magnus has a slightly angsty moment as he reflects on immortality and love. This made me think that, as much as he may want someone to stay with him forever, he would never wish immortality on anyone. And thus, this story came to be.