This is a very angsty fic and I'm sorry
Ruth lay awake in bed. She couldn't sleep. She had been having trouble ever since Lucas had kidnapped her, which she knew, logically was silly. Logically she knew that he was dead, but her fear was that someone else would discover that she was Harry Pearce's weak spot. And when that happened, (and she knew it was a when, not an if), she was terrified about what might happen to her. Especially after the turn in their relationship over the past few weeks. She glanced to her left and saw Harry asleep and sighed. She knew sleep would remain distant for her, at least for a few hours and she got up, slowly so as not to wake him.
She slipped quietly downstairs and got some orange juice out of the fridge, needing a drink. Ruth took an anxious look onto the street from the kitchen window. It was lit up by street lamps and it was late enough that no one was there but she still worried. She lost track of time as her eyes kept moving along the deserted street. Alert as she was, she heard instantly when Harry got up. She hadn't wanted to disturb him but clearly he had woken up and saw that she wasn't there.
"Ruth, you need to sleep," Harry said from the doorway of the kitchen.
"I know. I can't." She closed her eyes as she felt Harry wrap his arms around her waist. "I'm exhausted and I know I need to sleep but I can't."
"I won't let anyone hurt you ever again. I've had the house fitted with the most advanced security system possible. No one is going to be able to get in here. You're safe."
"I know," she said seriously. "The rational part of my brain knows that. But you can't protect me all the time."
"Watch me," he said seriously.
"Harry, I'm scared," she said simply. Harry knew she hated ever admitting fear, especially to him so "scared" was probably a massive understatement. He brushed her hair aside and kissed her neck briefly.
"Why did you do it?" Ruth asked. Harry sighed, knowing she meant why had he given Albany up to save her. They had this argument almost everyday.
"You know why," Harry whispered into her ear. "I couldn't let him hurt you, or even worse kill you. Not when I love you so much."
"But everyone who wants something from you, and there are a lot of nasty people out there who you've made enemies of, they'll come after me. Now they know I'm your weakness. And they'll be a lot more violent with me than Lucas was."
"I couldn't have left you there to die," Harry said, still holding an arm around her waist.
"At least I wouldn't have felt anything," Ruth said. "Slipping into unconsciousness as my heart slowly stopped because of the poison seeping through my veins."
"Don't!" Harry said forcefully.
"Well it sounds vastly preferable to all sorts of horrible scenarios that are going through my mind right now."
"Not to me," Harry said tightening his grip.
"This is going to kill me," Ruth said quietly. "Our job. What we do. Even our relationship. Eventually, in the end, this is going to kill me isn't it?"
"Don't say that," Harry said quietly. "I spent three years trying to live without you. I won't do it again. No matter what happens, I won't be without you. Not now I know what it is to truly have you."
"You see it so often," Ruth said, almost as if she was talking to herself. "Officers go out, do something or get in the way of the wrong people and they don't come back. Except in a body bag. That's my future. I can see it. And I hate it."
"That is not your future," Harry said. He pulled her forcefully around to face him. "Please stop talking like this. Please. I can't think… of you like that. I can't. I just… I can't do it. So please. Stop it." Ruth had never seen him this lost for words before and regretted speaking her mind so freely.
"I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I'm just so tired. So tired and I can't sleep. Because I close my eyes and think of how much worse it could have been. If it hadn't have been Lucas, if it hadn't been someone I know, they could have seriously hurt me."
"But they didn't," Harry said trying to stop her. "No one did hurt you." He didn't want her to say anymore so he kissed her briefly and then pushed her into a chair in their kitchen. He made sure that his hands were on her shoulders, stroking her skin softly.
"Close your eyes," he said quietly. "Just stop thinking and close your eyes. I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you alone and no one will hurt you. Not while I'm here. So close your eyes." His reassuring touch on her shoulders was enough incentive for her to trust him and drift away. Slowly her tense muscles began to relax and her upper body collapsed onto the kitchen table. Harry left her for a few seconds to grab a cushion from the sofa. He put it under her head gently and brushed his fingers through her hair.
Eventually she would get over this. It would stop hurting and her fear would be locked away. He sat next to her and his hands never left her. He always kept his touch on her. Her hair, her face, her shoulders. Ruth had had so many sleepless nights that he figured the least he could do was to stay awake and make sure she actually got a few hours rest. Even if it was on the kitchen table.
Harry was still awake as the sun came up, illuminating Ruth's sleeping features. His hand was resting on her hair as her face moved slightly. Her eyes flickered open and she smiled as they settled on Harry. She sat up slightly and winced from the awkward position she'd been sleeping in all night.
"Morning," she said, stretching her back.
"You slept," Harry said.
"Mm," Ruth said slowly, rubbing her neck. "Have you been there all night?"
"Of course I have," Harry said. "I didn't want you to wake up without me there. And I'm past the age where I can carry you upstairs."
Ruth smiled at his attempt at humour. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For everything," Ruth said slowly. "For trying to keep me safe. For being you." Harry looked at her intensely. He moved closer and kissed her softly. As he continued Ruth's fears managed to shrink just a little. And then a little more. The world just didn't seem so bad when she was being held by Harry.
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