Something about the way he spoke and the way his green eyes searched the other man's face longing for approval, longing for love made Cas's heart break. He wanted to envelope his companion and ease his pain. Dean had been strong for too long. He had literary carried the weight of the world on his shoulders time and time again never breaking. He was truly a righteous man.
"You just don't get it Cas" Dean sighed shoving his hand deep into his leather coats pockets. "I'm not worth all this." His voice starting to quiver as he spoke his thoughts.
Those words stabbed Cas like a knife to the heart. How could Dean say such things?! The angel who was still slowly learning what it meant to feel human emotions, he knew words for things and descriptions of words but to feel these words was something knew, was crushed. The way Dean made him feel it seemed as if all the words in all the languages that have existed since the beginning could not capture it. He knew part of it was love, but it is so much more than that. How could that man say he wasn't worth fighting for? Cas hated to see his hunter in pain, he remembers holding Dean's broken soul and dragging it out of hell and how he made a silent vow to never let this pure soul of righteousness to get as broken as it was then in his hands that day. He vowed to help this soul heal.
"I'm a fuck up." Dean's voice crashed Cas's thoughts the way he spoke so matter of fact. Dean was no longer looking at the angel, he couldn't bear to see his blue eyes on the verge of tears. Seeing a holy being cry was somewhat unnerving, but it was more than that; seeing Cas cry was too much. Dean had let everyone he had ever carried about down and he naively thought he could never do that to Cas, because why would an angel ever depend on a man?
Dean walked to the back of the impala and pulled a beer from the trunk not wanting to look at Cas, he gingerly closed the trunk and leaned against it drinking his beer staring off into the distance not know what his complain would do. Dean didn't want anything from Cas other than for him to be happy, he just couldn't stomach letting him down.
"Dean…" the angel started but he couldn't seem to find any other words then the hunter's name. His voice was low and rough as if it pained him to only say that word. Dean's emerald eyes stared blankly out past the horizon, on the surface he seemed unfazed by his friend's presents, but in reality he was barely holding it together. Cas closed the gap between them and placed a hand firmly on Dean's shoulder standing squarely in front of him.
"You are not a… 'fuck up'" Cas said the last two words as if they burned his tongue.
Dean hesitantly shifted his focus to meet the angel's radiant blue eyes. The look that played across the angel's face was one of pure love and concern, something Dean had only really seen directed at him by Sam, though it felt different. The way Cas looked at him was more intense, like if he moved his hand Dean would disappear back into purgatory and that would be the end of both of them.
Dean forced a grin to dance across his lips, he couldn't handle this anymore and just needed for the conversation to end. Just pretend to be fine, that was his moto. It's the only way he made it this far in life and he knew it was the only way he could keep himself from going insane.
"Sure Cas, whatever you say." Dean said in a mono ton voice and took a swig of his beer trying his damnedest to ignoring the invasive gaze of the angel. Without warning Cas pulled Dean close crashing the hunters face into his chest and wrapping his arms around him. The sudden movement took Dean so of guard he dropped his beer and his arms fell limp at his side. Cas just help him tighter.
Slowly Dean moved his arms up and around Cas and held on to him as well. This caused Cas to hold on ever tighter as Dean let his weight fall on to him. They stood like this in silence for what seemed like an eternity, though it was about three minutes.
"Cas…" Dean's voice broke the silence first, though neither of them moved from their positions. Deans hunched over face buried deep in the chest of the angel arms wrapped around his waist, Cas standing straight and tall arms protectively holding him close. After about another minute of silence Dean finished his thought and hoarsely croaked out "Why?"
Cas shifted uncomfortably and stepped back from the hunter causing Dean to almost fall forward. After regaining his footing, he stood up straighter and looked down at the angel, Dean's eyes full of pain. Realizing his sudden movement upset the hunter Cas reached a hand and gently held Dean's face, eyes locked onto his.
"I assume because I love you. Though I'm not sure, I'm stilling trying to understand the complexities of human emotions" Cas spoke in his normal tone squinting his eyes as he looked at the hunter trying to determine if this was the right thing to say. There was a flash of hope that glinted across Dean's eyes but it was gone almost as fast as it appeared. Cas loves him, an angel of the lord loved him. What does that even mean?
Dean reached up to the hand that was still pressed gently to his face and moved it away gingerly holding it in his. Cas's hand was large and rough, though not as rough as the hunter's own hand or as large but it was certainly not as soft and delicate as the hands of a women. It was an odd feeling holding the other man's hand, though it felt right. Cas's eyes fallowed every movement that Dean's hand made and he stared intently as Dean's thumb brushed softly over the top if his hand.
"Is that not appropriate?" Castiel ask tearing his eyes away from their hands to meeting Dean's eyes again. The angle's look was worried and confused, the fact that Dean still has holding his hand gave him some hope. Dean had no idea how to answer that question and the look that he gave Cas clearly said it, he let go of the angel's hand and rubbed the back of his neck. Cas's hand fell to his side with an unexpected weight to it as he watched the hunter waiting for the answer.
"Gee Cas, I'm not even sure what you mean by you love me let alone if its appropriate" the words came out of Dean's mouth clumsily and he instantly regretted it as he watched the angle's face drop. Why couldn't he have just accepted the love and told him it was fine, why did he need to question it when people cared about him?
Castiel cleared his thought getting ready to try to explain love to a Winchester. Though he had no idea what it meant himself. He knew he cared deeply for Dean, he loved Sam as well but there was something different about the way he felt about Dean. He was connected to the human. Was it simply because he held his soul once? He'd like to think it was more than that, that if any other angel had reached him first they would have not fallen under his spell the way Cas had.
"I mean that I would give up heaven for all eternity just to stand by your side till the day you die" the words came smoother then Cas thought they would. The sincerity that flowed through his voice was overwhelming to Dean's ears. Till the day he dies, not the day both him and Sam died, him. Cas was willing to give up home and all he knew since literally the beginning of time to spend another few decades, and that was being generous, with him.
Cas's eyes scanned the hunter's face trying to figure out if he had said the right thing to him. It was the truth but he had learned from his time on earth, and with the two brothers, that sometimes it is not the time to tell the whole truth. Dean's eyes were glazed over as he tried to grasp exactly what Cas was saying to him. Cas slowly reached out for the hunter's hand again and just as their fingers were about to touch he pulled back not wanting to do anything to further upset Dean.
"You'd give up heaven?" Dean finally whispered. The statement Cas made was so bold. His loyalty was unfathomable. Cas simply nodded and then looked down at the ground in front of him. Suddenly Cas knew what it meant to be embarrassed; to feel self-conscious, shame, or awkwardness. This was a new feeling that was rather unpleasant, he much preferred the feeling of love he normally felt with Dean. That was warm and welcoming not so sickening.
Dean stared at the angel unsure of how to take this. Those who loved him, well it never ended well for them, but Cas had already been through so much he'd be fine, after all he was practically indestructible. Though if Cas gave up heaven would he be human? Was giving up heaven even a real option? Cas shifted uncomfortably under the hunter's gaze waiting for him to say more but not entirely sure he would.
Dean took in a deep breath, he knew he loved Cas. It was something he became so painfully aware of the day he lost him to the leviathan. He fought through purgatory to find him and though he was in a horrid place the moment he found the angel he felt that everything would be alright. Never in Dean's wildest fantasies did he think that Cas would, or could, feel the same way, yet here he was saying the words Dean had longed to hear for so long.
This time Dean was the one to close the gap between them as he pulled Cas close by his coat and crashed their lips together. Dean wasn't a hundred percent sure that this is what Cas meant when he said that he loved him he only knew it was what he wanted the angel to mean. Dean wanted to be with Cas completely, always.
Though shocked by Dean's bold gesture Cas quickly melted comfortably into the kiss. Those feels of insecurity just floating away. Dean's lips were so warm and much softer then the angel would have thought they would be. Cas pushed his body closer to the hunter wanting to be sounded by all that Dean is. Dean complied with the angel's wishes and pulled him in by the waist, they were fully pressed against one another causing a slight moan to escape the Cas's lips. Dean took full advantage of this slight opening to explore the angel's mouth with his tongue.
The angel tasted sweet, Dean just couldn't get enough, his tongue moving around Cas's mouth till it found his tongue. Though the angel was not nearly as experienced as the hunter may have been in this situation he seemed to take the Dean's breath away. Breaking apart only to stop for air the hunter placed his forehead right against Castiel's staring into those haunting blue eyes. Dean wanted to tell Cas how much he loved him, how he'd do anything for him but no words came out. He just stared at his angel overwhelmed with emotions.
"You're worth it Dean. I would go to hell a thousand times over for you." Cas spoke softly and then placed a kiss on Dean's lips. It was much softer than their first one, it wasn't scared, hungry, wanting, it was as if Cas was telling Dean that he loved the man with all he was, and he expected nothing in return.
A single tear rolled down Dean's cheek when Castiel kissed him. He had never been kissed with so much love and so little expectations. The angel loved him for all he was, every broken piece. Dean had never felt so free. He was unsure what would happen next, however he knew that Cas would be by his side and someone with all their being believed in him.
"Cas… I" Dean began to choke out, but Cas stopped him by placing another kiss on his lips. This one was still soft just a bit more demanding, which the hunter complied with. He fully kissed the angel bringing him into his arms and holding him so close it was as if their bodies were fused together. 'I love you Casteil' Dean thought as loud as he could hoping Cas could hear him. The smile that Dean felt across the angel's lips right after that thought told Dean knew the message had got to Cas.
Slowly Cas pulled their faces apart but not breaking away from Dean's grip that was holding him up against the hunter's chest.
"I love you too Dean." The angel whispered kissing the nape of Dean's neck before resting his head comfortably there.
Dean smiled down at the all-powerful being that fit so perfectly in his arms. He loved Cas more than he ever thought he could love anyone that was not his family. Somehow Cas became family to him and Sam both, yet it never felt right, not like this. This is how Dean was meant to be with his angel even if he still wasn't strong enough to utter those words, Cas knew. He knew the reservations Dean had about saying "I love you" and the fear that the person will leave, or worse die. So for now those thoughts in Dean's mind he was practically screaming at Cas were enough. Being in Dean's arms, sharing moments and kisses the two of them, it was more than enough,