Thanks goes out to four wonderful friends who've listened to me whine, fret and gush. Who've read scenes, beta'd, encouraged, acted as a sounding board and so much more. Thank you so much ladies!

Warning that this fic will be a roller coaster! Lots of angst with I hope some parts that make the angst worth it. Hope you enjoy!
Additional notes of possible interest are at the bottom.

Prologue - Knives in My Heart

"Estimate? I'd say about 3 to 4 months. That's the best I can give you right now. "

River glanced again at the old Earth style paper planner on her desk. Calendar dates and the busy life of an archeologist and Professor filled in the blank spots. An ironic gift from he-who-mocked-and-could-never-arrive-on-time and tended to fill her life up in all the in-between moments.

"I am certain I can narrow it down in about two weeks. " She finished, vibrant green eyes returning to the monitor on the wall and the dark handsome face watching her.

"I believe I can cope with the delay Professor Song, on one important condition. "

River raised a defined eyebrow, a flirty smirk teasing at the corner of her lips, "Oh, and that would be Mr. Abaraxus? " She knew full well what he wanted, had from the very first moment when they met two months ago at the annual charity ball, where he had spent not only a great deal of time flirting with her but trying to convince her to lead an expedition for him. The recently discovered mysterious Gardens of Gandolion on one of his company's worlds, a great find for the century. She really hadn't needed to be persuaded, but River had never been one to be an easy catch, not even in business.

"Please, call me Sy. " He corrected with an almost pout, " And on the condition we discuss the final arrangements over dinner. Something candlelit is the only suitable arrangement. " Abaraxus finished in his smooth liquid velvet accent. Every thing he said tended to sound like a proposition. Elicit and naughty. She loved it, even if she had no intentions of taking him up on his hidden offers.

Smiling, she toyed with the edge of the planner. "I'd love dinner. " Then held up a finger. "Just dinner."

Sy laughed lightly and raised an inviting eyebrow, "As you wish. One day Professor- " his voice dropped as he said her title, making it sound deliciously dirty, like a fantasy role. "one day."

Was it bad she enjoyed it but pictured a completely different man saying it in the same way? A full smirk played across her lips, "Perhaps...Sy. " River let that sit for a moment before adding, "you'll get a dance as well."

"A dance? Do tell. " He grinned.

"Oh darling, there was no hidden meaning. However, play your cards right and I might just let you get me drunk. " she responded with a wink. Thinking, Good luck with that.

"You are a terrible tease. So mean to get a man's hopes up."

"I know." She purred. "But you do love it."

"You're right , I do. And on that note and the unfortunate hour, I must bid you reluctant goodnight. Till we speak again over dinner, dance, and drink." He ended the call with smile and a wink, leaving River laughing before she turned back to her terminal monitor.

River scanned through The Library expedition files once more before going back in to chose the last of her team. An excitement that had been growing for months caused an almost girly squeal to rise to the surface. She resisted of course, letting a happy sigh and a smile speak for her instead.

While Mr. Lux was an irritating character, he couldn't dampen the exhilaration she felt whenever she was on the brink of solving a puzzle, a mystery. It wasn't the digging up of ancient civilizations that caused the passion she felt for archeology. It was piecing together what happened when no one else could or even dared to bother, and sometimes when it was just wise not to try.

The danger could never dissuade her. In her younger years it was because she'd been too reckless to care or simply wasn't able to, and later because of an addicting way of life with a man who she trusted to always catch her. One day maybe he wouldn't be able to, and despite all the very real and painful reasons she should heed that notion River found herself unable to imagine it.

Besides, this was the life she chose for herself, not just once but twice. Initially out of a desire to find the Doctor, to understand him. In the end, she fell completely in love with it and couldn't imagine any other profession. He could mock, but he was partially to blame. What did he expect would happen when whisking a girl off into time and space, saving her and handing her the reigns to control her own destiny?

Love for him and Archeology. That was the inevitable consequence. How could it have ever been anything else?

With a slight shake of her head, River refocused her thoughts on the task at hand. "Anita Williams " She liked the look of the young woman's file as she read it for a second time. The woman would be a good fit and was just inexperienced enough to appreciate the work that would go into this.

For probably the umpteenth time, River felt tempted to invite her husband along. Despite any and all claims he'd not enjoy it she knew otherwise. Lights out in the Library, a 100 year quarantine, all with no explanation besides a data extract stating that '4,022 saved' but no survivors.

Right up his alley.

However, as he wouldn't be able to wait for her team to be ready, she resisted sending the message just yet. If he received it now, he'd want to race off right away like a kid with a promise of a treat.

No, best to invite him once she was there. River had to chuckle, wondering how Mr. Lux would react to the presence of The Doctor. The daft, young looking old man in tweed running around poking everything with a proverbial stick. Oh immensely amusing and worth waiting for.

Once Anita's application was accepted, River closed the file and shut everything down. It was late and the idea of a bubble bath and a good book sounded ideal.

She didn't need much sleep so long soaks and a read helped pass the time. Unlike her husband she wasn't bored by the slow path, if anything she enjoyed it, all the normality of it was precious to her.

Grabbing her small tote bag, with her worn out TARDIS blue diary sticking slightly out the top, she headed out the door. With the sound of her heels clacking and resounding down the long corridor of Luna University, River was brought back to years before when she had been a student there, excited and high on feeling empowered. For the first time for as long as she could remember there had been no blank spots in her memories. At that point it had been almost 3 years since Berlin, since she began the path to her life.

The road hadn't been easy. Failure, loneliness and even fear had each had their turn weighing on her. Not to mention times and days when old ghosts echoed in her head and threatened to unravel her precarious control. But his whispered dying words on the steps in Berlin would rise once more to the surface, bringing hope and focus. The man truly had no idea how much of a gift he had given her.

Bypassing the University staff transit system, preferring a less instantaneous method of traveling home, River entered the foyer. It was late enough at night that very few were around, students gone to either study or not, and most anyone else home with loved ones. Only a select few, like herself, along with security staff remained behind.

River blew a kiss affectionately at the pretty security woman who she once 'dated', mostly just as an excuse to get out during a time of loneliness right after Stormcage when he was no where to be found, for three long years.

When pretty Marian with her sharp wit and tender nature found herself going through a bad break up, River couldn't help offering a comforting shoulder. So they had flirted, dined out , indulging each other with pleasant conversation and the occasional delightful kiss. It never had been more and it was all either had needed.

An emotional pick me up till that moment when she had seen his smiling daft face. The only man, or person, she could ever love or share any real intimacy with. He had effectively ruined anyone for her and was completely and utterly clueless to that fact.

They both had snogged and flirted with other people, albeit with him it tended to be accidental, but at the end of it all, it was only ever each other. Frustratingly typical of him to do that to her.

Damn him.

Pausing momentarily as she always did at the mirrors that peppered one of the walls near the entrance, River quickly glanced at her reflection; a habit longed developed from years of dealing with wayward curls.

There was no conscious reason she stopped and stared, nor did she realize that she had. Not at first. Instead her hands some how made their way to gingerly touch her face. As her fingers traced across her skin, she noted a few extra fine lines around her eyes and how much more red her hair had become over time. Neither of those things mattered as her finger tips traced over the apples of her cheeks down to sweep to the outline of her jaw.

A strange fog settled over her, the feeling something wasn't right. It settled deep inside her stomach like a heavy stone. It had happened before, she knew though she couldn't recall exactly when she had last felt this sensation. That she wasn't really seeing her reflection, or how her voice didn't quite sound like her own, and sometimes she thought she could hear things that weren't really there.

But lately these little moments left her disoriented and when she tried to write them down and make sense of them she couldn't quite remember. It made her feel as if perhaps she was simply imagining something was wrong in the first place.

As with every time before, though she did not remember, both her hearts pounded in an odd rhythm like they would do so right out of her chest. "This - " River continued to stare at her reflection, trying to find something she recognized down inside her bones, "This is not me."

"River, dear... are you okay?" A gentle friendly voice cut through the fog and broke the obscure moment.

Closing her eyes she took a deep breath before turning to meet Marian's worried gaze. "Yes. Of course. Just been a long day darling."

Marian put a hand on her arm softly, "You certain? Because I can stick my lazy sod of a partner with the last twenty minutes of my shift and see you home. "

The usual flirty response did not spring forth and River sighed, uncertain as to what she wanted. Her eyes fell of their own accord to her diary and the urge to write, to get this out, seemed to fill up her chest.

The question was... what did she write?

"Maybe the company would be good. " River admitted.

Marian gave a slight nod before turning to yell, not at all gently, to her partner. Tuning their exchange out, River turned back to her reflection and one last time found her fingers running uncertainly along her face.

"I have to tell him." The words came as if from hidden depths in her soul, "this is not my skin."

It was a quiet day, been a quiet if not plainly dull week in fact. No callers, nothing at all to investigate. Not a single criminal life to have for dinner or even turn over to Scotland yard.

As evening approached, Vastra found herself wishing for some sort of case, something that would, preferably, include a bit of action for Jenny, as she deserved a break from the monotony as well.

Sometimes wishes were like asking the gods to drop a hornet's nest in your lap while you slept. She should have known better.

Vastra heard the distant sound of someone at the door and then Jenny answering it. Several minutes passed before her lovely Jenny was standing at the entrance of the lounge. A most decidedly confused look graced her face.

"What is wrong, my dear?"

Jenny gave a weak half smile before coming over and handing her a very non-Victorian looking letter. "This arrived, Ma'am."

Vastra took it slowly, noting only their address in simple and plain script written on the almost TARDIS blue envelope.

"Who delivered it?"

"That's just it ,Ma'am. No one was there, just this on the steps. Evening post I assume..." She trailed off as Vastra picked up her letter opener.

"Normally, I'd say a correct assumption. However, this colour does tend to make one wonder."

Jenny nodded, "It does indeed." Watching as Vastra pulled out an aged folded up paper, something was very familiar about it but Jenny couldn't say why.

Vastra opened the folds carefully and after a minute, gasped as she began to take in the contents scrawled in various directions along the paper.

Jenny waited quietly as her wife read. She was trying to be patient, despite the look of shock that remained on her face the whole time. After several more minutes, in which Vastra had read and reread, she finally handed it over.

Tentatively Jenny took it, not really certain on what she was seeing at first. "I don't understand."

Intermixed with other lines of handwritten text, jenny couldn't quite make out at a glance, were the words "I'm not who I think I am."

"That..."Vastra began, feeling a tension pool in her stomach, "I believe is from River Song's diary."

Understanding now why it had seemed familiar, Jenny closed her eyes slowly in sadness. She'd only seen the diary perhaps twice. Quick glimpses of a thick and aged book of adventures, a life with the Doctor. Yet those glimpses were enough to know it was Professor Song's.

As her eyes fell upon it once again, she noticed in the corner River had written, "I'll tell him. When I see him next. At the Library? He'll like the mystery there.I will tell him...I need to know if this is real or something I am imagining. I can't do this again. I can't hurt him again. I love him too much to risk it."

*/\*

Enjoy..comments and Fav's appreciated!

This fic started off as two separate 'what if's' that morphed into so much more. That is the nature of the beast I suppose. While i've tagged this fic as a 'fix it' i really see it as a alternate end to s7 that creates an au timeline. I love River and Eleven and I just had to write this.

This fic has become my baby and I hope it's enjoyed, other than my crack fic 'How to Make A Time Lord Blush' i've never written for Doctor Who. So i am both exicted and nervous as heck.

There is psychological trauma and lots of angst. I also write mentions of Rose and other companions with affection because I have loved/liked them all.

Updating of this fic will be hopefully every few weeks if not sooner. Depends on my health