Oniisan 1: Prey

Everyone has a different fate.

My fate is more different than half the people in the world.

Everyone has something they'd rather keep to themselves.

I have a deep, dark secret that I think I will take to the grave.

Everyone has something that gets their heart pounding.

That deep, dark secret sends the blood straight to my head.

Everyone has something that will kill him to share.

When the time comes and I cannot but share my secret, I will kill myself.

~010101~

I cannot recall a time when I was not like this. My life, as I knew it, was measured not in terms of years, but in scattered memories. Memories that featured only one person. If anyone knew about the real me all those years past, they would have thought me quite the frightening child.

I believe that I was born to live out this wretched life. At two years old, I learned to say his name. Evermore, his would be the name that was constantly upon my lips. When I was five I idolized him. Seven, I wanted to please only him. Nine, he became more than my hero. Ten, I was irrevocably attached to him. Eleven, I couldn't sleep without him. Twelve, I fell in love with him.

It wasn't that I didn't know I was unnatural. What I felt had to be wrong, though I couldn't for the life of me understand why. And I did try to stop. All of my thirteenth year I agonized over this strange attraction, driven to the fore when he was accepted into the Kainan starting five as a freshman and my roiling hormones saw in his court play the condensation of everything desirable. Which was why, in the spring of my fourteenth year, I resolved to curb my addictions and left to study abroad. But two years with the barest of communications did me in, and I found myself quitting my Swiss boarding school half term and booking the next flight home.

He was waiting for me at the airport. My heart turned over at the mere sight of him, something that strings of European boyfriends inevitably failed to do. And in that one moment when I rushed to him and he swept me up into a big, welcoming hug, I knew that what I felt...that the love I had for him...would never change.

So I was strange. So I wanted to indulge my wickedness. So I decided to stop being a martyr. So I am in love with Maki Shinichi. So I am in love with my brother. So what?

So I am scared. I am scared that he will find out and will hate me forever. A lot of times when I lay sleepless on my boarding school bed wishing he was beside me, the evil of my fascination hit me, and I am more than scared. Times like those I begin to hate myself. I stare into the blackness and pray to whatever gods would hear my filthy wishes and ask that he will never know. That no one will ever know.

"It's great to have you home, Yulia-chan," he murmured, and I remembered again how I loved to hear him say my name. I like my name; he gave it to me. My namesake was his old teddy bear, a Russian affair sporting a collar and a nametag with "Yulia" inscribed on it. When basketball became more important than poor old Yulia the bear, he gave her to me.

I hadn't wanted to take it. "Oniisan will someday tire of Yulia-chan too, and give her away," my four-year-old self complained in a flood of tears. He was seven.

"Never," that child promised, wiping my eyes with his dirty basketball jersey. "I will never give Yulia-chan away."

I think that innocent exchange awoke the beast within me.

An arm's length away, I stared up at the towering figure above me, anxiously wishing he did not find anything objectionable in his scrutiny of myself. But his smile widened and he yanked me to himself for another hug. "Oniisan's missed you terribly."

I only laughed. I wanted to tell him I missed him too, probably more than he did me, but the sentence wouldn't get out of my throat. "It's great to be back," I agreed instead, lamely.

All the way home he could talk of nothing but my finishing the term at his school. I was glad that he was excited to have me around, but also a little nervous as the topic turned to my old school. Eventually he asked, "So why did you leave so suddenly?"

He was looking out the window, trying to appear uninterested. I knew then that he was immensely curious. I watched him studiously to make sure he wouldn't try to read my expression when I was off-guard, and replied, "Oh. No reason."

His forehead furrowed a moment. "Right." But he didn't push the matter.

"By the way," I said in a desperate attempt to change the darkening mood, "how's the basketball team? I heard Oniisan was made captain."

Instead of replying right away he sent me a long, sly look. "Dead curious. Our resident wild monkey was of the adamant opinion that I was skipping practise to pick up a long-lost lover."

I know my face turned red.

He laughed; shook his head. "Kiyota's an idiot. Sometimes I don't know what possessed coach to keep him in the team. But his distracting antics are helpful in any game," he added grudgingly. "If you'll stay late after school tomorrow –"

"I'll stay late after school tomorrow," I cut in. He grinned his lopsided smile.

"Right. You might meet the rest of the guys. With supervision, of course."

When I laughed this time it was a little painful. I didn't want to meet any other guys. I didn't need any other guys. But as long as he didn't know that, he would believe me to be like any other normal sixteen-year-old girl who wanted a boyfriend.

"Right," I echoed, and there was nothing more I wanted to do then than to lean against him and close my eyes and pretend for a while that I didn't have to hide this love.

~010101~

Rivals abounded in Kainan. The hardest part was acting polite to them when all I wanted to do was glare them down and scare them silly. Oniisan was mine and only mine, no matter how the futility of the situation made the back of my eyes sting every time I thought about it. At the end of the day I found myself holed up in my room, Yulia the bear smushed between my chest and the edge of my desk as I rested my chin on her furry head and narrowed my eyes in thought.

Practically the only thing good about my first day was meeting his teammates. I had forgotten that the basketball club was composed of all boys. I did not miss the interested looks, and the winks, and most especially not the boisterous foolery of the wild monkey hereafter known also as Kiyota Nobunaga. Perhaps through him I could redeem myself yet. Or one of those boys could help me hide my affliction better.

The aforementioned wild monkey was a reasonably good choice. He was noisy, gullible, and obviously smitten. Just a few bats of the eyelash, a couple of well-placed winks, and he could be my perfect new mask. And yet the thought made me groan and sink further into Yulia's plush head.

'What to do, what to do..." I grumbled, repeatedly squeezing and un-squeezing her paws. Kiyota Nobunaga was easy to catch, but hard to shake off. And on the off chance that he found me out, I wasn't sure I could trust him. Maybe...I could make do with that quiet shooting guard instead? But he didn't look like the type to fall for seduction.

"What to do, what to do..." and I covered my eyes with Yulia's paws.

"Need any help?" his voice floated into the room, so abruptly and so wryly that I started up.

"Oniisan!"

He loped into my room; spared an amused glance at my pile of suitcases, the innards of which had been pulled out and scattered about the immediate vicinity. "I see you've begun unpacking."

"No, I...actually I thought I'd do them tomorrow..." Yulia fell off the corner of my desk. I bent down, thankful for the distraction. A surreptitious glance towards the luggage pile revealed, to my immense relief, that I had not left any underwear lying around. I straightened, but knocked onto my desk when I suddenly found him standing only two feet away. I must have tried to stammer something vaguely coherent.

"You're all red," he observed with a concerned little frown, and cupped my cheeks in both his hands. "Warm, too. You're not coming down with anything, are you?"

"No," I squeaked, clutching Yulia fiercely. "I'm just tired."

"Maybe you should skip school tomorrow and rest."

And miss seeing him for one day? "No! I mean," I continued in a rush to correct my misplaced vehemence, "It's not nice to skip during my first week in school. Besides, there's nothing to do at home."

His hands left my face. "Sleep early, then. Feel better tomorrow." He moved towards the door. "Good night, Yulia-chan."

I stared after him, dumb with the rush of feeling his touch had left me. Before I knew what I was doing, my body moved of its own accord and I was running to him and grabbing the hem of his shirt.

A half-turn. Gentle eyes. Soft, wind-blown brown hair. "What is it?"

A rush of blood. Weakened knees. Trembling hands. Emptied mind. "A-anou...can I – can I stay with you tonight? Like the old times?" I remembered to add. My head was getting light. Would he be able to guess?

"Sure." And my vision refocused, zeroed in on his openly pleased demeanour. Was that relief I saw? "Come on."

I raced him to his room, dizzy with joy and remorseful with guilt. Because when the lights were dimmed and Oniisan slid into bed and gathered me to himself and pulled the blanket over my shoulders, I thought only about reacquainting myself with his scent. And his body heat. And the wonderful-ness of being so close to him. When I shivered over my misdeed, he ran a soothing hand down my cold arm, completely unsuspecting that he was petting a household monster. I feared for him, but I could not help myself.

Long after his murmured "Oyasumi" my breaths still came raggedly; my lungs still burned with something I had not felt for what seemed like forever. I squeezed my eyes shut, bit my tongue until I thought it would come off. And when the lovely man beside me drifted off I curled up closer to him, holding my breath until I could trust my voice again.

"Oyasumi," I whispered to his chest, and the darkness swallowed up the wish. He stirred, shifted a little, and was still. Then, and only then, did sleep overtake me.

~010101~

A/N: I warned you... :D

This was thought up one latte-powered night after watching the first episode of Angel Sanctuary. I've got another ongoing fic, but I missed the darkness of madmen and just had to put this down. Please review. Continue reading if you wish. But always remember that you have been forewarned.