Please note the A/N might have spoiler-ish stuff in it but the story really doesn't.
A/N: Set technically after Into Darkness. For the purposes of the story I am ignoring the last few moments of the movie. (From the ending speech and beyond.) I alter the story slightly to assume that Kirk spent a few weeks recuperating. The story takes place when there's still a little time left on medical leave even though he's technically healed. The only people aboard the Enterprise are those that had no where else to be while waiting for the ship's captain to get off of medical leave. (Why are they on the ship? Um... humor me and accept that they had no where else to be so they stayed with the ship while they waited.) For the purposes of the story I changed things so that Kirk's mother died when he was young and he was raised in a foster home. This doesn't impact this story too much, but if no one hates this I might continue in this universe. This is my first Star Trek and my second slash fic. Please be kind. :)
Part three and last story in the "Long December" series. Part 1: Say You'll Haunt Me. Part 2: Stay.
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All titles of fics and the series name are titles of songs that I feel sum up the overall feeling of each fic in my opinion.
Long December - Counting Crows
1. Say You'll Haunt Me - Stone Sour
2. Stay - Hurts
3. Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park
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*Spock POV*
"What do you want from me?"
"A little logic would be nice."
"I'm not the logical one in this relationship. That's your job."
"Is everything a joke to you?"
"Oh lighten up, nobody died."
"No thanks to you. And need I remind you Dr. McCoy-"
"Enough. What do you want from me? I can't be who you are, Spock. I can only be me. James. I can't be anyone else."
Jim moved closer and put an arm around Spock's shoulders. The touch was light, almost hesitant. While neither was exactly new to this type of relationship it still meant something entirely different to each of them. Jim claimed it was easier to get women into bed but that they were too fickle to keep his attention for long. He could never see himself settling down with one permanently. Actually, Spock knew that was true. Jim never precisely lied. He just had a bad habit of omitting some of the truth sometimes.
*Kirk POV*
"Spock." Jim hesitated unsure how to proceed in a way that wouldn't make everything worse. He never could stop the outbursts before they went too far. Every time he wondered if this was it. Would Spock finally get sick of him and leave. James suppressed a shudder at the thought. Not now, he told himself. I can't think about that right now. Right now he had to devote his thoughts to ensuring that didn't happen. Spock hadn't pulled away from the embrace. Despite the reassuring closeness that wasn't actually a good sign. It meant Spock was simply done with arguing, not that he wasn't still angry.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. He let his arm drop and moved to the bed. Unwilling to show how weak he felt right now he restricted the bond between them and turned to face the wall. Blocking it hurt too much so instead he thinned it. He couldn't stand the thought of being that open, that vulnerable, right now.
*Spock POV
Spock's heart almost broke. He felt like he had kicked the proverbial puppy. He has to learn his actions have consequences. It was still hard not to walk over and comfort him just like so many times before. Spock rose and for a moment he was convinced that was precisely what was going to happen. Instead he turned and slowly left the room. Just outside of the door he hesitated.
*Kirk POV*
James sat on the bed trying to shove away the gnawing pain. He just left. Never before had Spock just left him. Sometimes Spock would comfort him. Sometimes he would just sit there pointedly ignoring James until James finally broke. Either James would start the argument back up or he would break down emotionally and Spock would comfort him. Never had Spock just left. What did it mean? Had he left... for good? Was it finally over? No. No, Spock would tell him if he was ending it. Wouldn't he? Wouldn't he?
*Spock POV*
Despite several hours of trying to reassure himself he had done the right thing Spock couldn't convince himself. Actually that wasn't technically correct. He had convinced himself he was right. He just felt so bad he almost couldn't stand it. The majority of it was probably caused by the bond being restricted at the moment. It always hurt when Jim thinned the bond; like Jim didn't trust him with his emotions anymore. He decided to turn to the other person still here who even knew about the relationship for some advice.
Neither he nor Jim cared overly much about what anyone else might think of their relationship but both were fairly private people. Beyond that, they also didn't want anyone trying to use it as an excuse to damage their credibility or their careers. Nyota had figured it out on her own but was off visiting family. McCoy knew because he had been there since the beginning when Jim had finally admitted his feelings. He was also the chief medical officer and Jim's best friend.
Walking into sickbay Spock stopped dead. Jim was laying in one of the biobeds with bandages covering one hand and an I.V. in the opposite arm. McCoy was sleeping in a chair next to the bed. The bandages McCoy wore weren't all that shocking given the day's previous events. Spock's eyes drifted back to Jim. This is my fault. Whatever happened, this is my fault because I left when I knew he needed me to stay.
As he stood there staring at him Jim gave a soft whimper and shifted slightly. Nightmare. Spock recognized the signs instantly. He should, Jim had them fairly frequently. Especially when he was already upset. Jim's distress did what Spock's guilt hadn't let him. Immediately he went to Jim and began trying to soothe away this nightmare. McCoy shifted and Spock glanced down at the doctor meeting his eyes.
"Don't," Jim whimpered, still tossing in his sleep.
Spock turned his full attention back to Jim. Any questions he had for the doctor could wait.
"Please," Jim pleaded.
"Shh... It's okay, you are safe. I am here. Everything is okay. Shh..."
"I'd give him a sedative but there's probably still too much alcohol in his system," the doctor said quietly.
Spock turned back to him. "No. At least... Not yet." He hesitated before continuing. "It's too hard to wake him with sedatives in his system. If I can't get him calmer during one of these dreams I usually wake him so he knows he's..." Spock pause and turned back to Jim. "Safe," he finished in a whisper.
"Must be hard to watch."
"Shh... Everything will be fine," Spock whispered, still comforting Jim. He had no good response for the doctor's observation so he didn't bother answering. He used one hand to smooth some of Jim's hair back away from his face. "Shh," he whispered again. Thankfully it seemed to be working. Jim seemed to be calming slightly.
*McCoy POV*
Bones watched the scene a little anxiously, feeling slightly like an intruder. He hadn't approved of the relationship from the start. In the beginning he and Jim had butted heads about it more than once. Not that he disapproved of the relationship on any type of morality grounds. To hell with that crap. But the captain and the first officer? James Kirk and... Spock? Frankly it was hard to imagine Jim in a serious relationship with anyone. Eventually though, he was forced to admit that they were actually a good couple. The strength's of one of them filling in for the weak points in the other.
What Spock had said about the sedatives was slightly disconcerting. Was he making a mistake anytime he gave Jim something to help him sleep? Did it make it harder for him to shake the dreams? Was there any alternative when Jim wouldn't sleep on his own because he didn't want to deal with the nightmares?
"Spock," Bones said quietly.
Spock moved slightly to where he could see him and still keep an eye on Jim.
"About the sedatives," McCoy began.
Spock shook his head, spared another glance at Jim and motioned them both to the other side of the room with a nod of his head. As soon as Spock stopped touching him, Jim let out another soft sound and curled up slightly. Bones checked to make sure the I.V. didn't get tangled before he proceeded to the other side of the room.
"You worry that you should not give him sedatives?"
Bones hesitated. "He needs sleep. But if he can't wake up from a nightmare... I don't have anything else I can give him. I already use the weakest one possible. I just..." Spock laid a hand on his shoulder and Bones looked up at him.
"Sometimes he does need them doctor."
Bones nodded once without responding.
"What happened?"
"He came in a little over an hour ago; argumentative, belligerent and drunk. He didn't want to say what happened or even let me treat him. He said he would do it himself." Bones waited to see if Spock might offer some insight. When there was no response he continued. "He never did tell me more than he broke some glass and got cut cleaning it. The cuts on his hands are mostly superficial. One was pretty bad but he had one just below his knee that was pretty deep and still had some glass in it.
I tried to give him some light painkillers despite my better judgement but he refused them. I removed the glass and bandaged him. He didn't try to leave. He just turned over and laid there. When he finally fell asleep I gave him an I.V. to help replenish the fluids he needs from drinking earlier with us and drinking again before he came to see me. I also made a small trip to his quarters to see what I could find out."
"You left him alone? Drunk and injured?"
"Do I look stupid to you? Of course I didn't. I left Scotty with him."
"What did you tell him?"
"That it was none of his damn business and he shouldn't question the chief medical officer's orders if he valued his captain."
"Threats?"
"Whatever works. Spock, the point is, the glass that broke was a whiskey bottle and it didn't just break. It was thrown. Into a wall. There was a small pile of broken glass that corroborates Jim's story about trying to clean it up. He probably knelt down at some point right onto one of the pieces and jammed it into his shin. What I don't understand is why he threw the bottle and why you weren't there. I know you were upset but he was still in a pretty good mood when we left."
Spock sighed and turned back to look at Jim.
"I do not wish to discuss it."
Bones started to interject right there but Spock held up a hand asking for time.
"I do not wish to discuss it Dr., but under the circumstances I feel as though I probably should. I was already on my way here to talk to you. Perhaps I already have the answers to the questions I was going to ask you."
Bones waited. If Spock said he should discuss this than he mostly likely would. Patience Bones, he reminded himself. Just have patience.
"We had another... disagreement."
Bones clamped his jaw shut to keep from correcting him. Or tried to. "You mean another damned argument. Disagreement my aching butt."
Spock arched one eyebrow. "Are you done doctor?"
Bones crossed his arms, glared at the man in front of him and waited.
"Perhaps it would fit into what you would call an 'argument'."
"You can't argue about every little thing with Jim. You have to pick your fights with him, Spock."
"Or he will pick them for you," Spock asked staring meaningfully at Bones' bandages.
"My injuries were not his fault. I chose to jump into that fight."
"A fight that did not have to happen, I might remind you."
"Yeah, you just might. You're still not answering my questions."
"True," Spock acknowledged.
A small sound caused them both to turn back to the injured man sleeping fitfully in the bed across the room. Jim rolled over onto his other side so that he was facing away from them. He reached out once and grabbed the covers next to him. He reached out once more and grabbed onto the covers again. This time he latched onto them, gave one more pitiful sound and finally stilled. Bones turned to watch Spock.
Jim, he understood. Sure he flirted with everything. Of course he didn't turn it down when it was offered to him. (Unless he was ever in a serious relationship.) Flings like that never held his attention though. Jim didn't like to do things the easy way. If there wasn't a good challenge he lost interest quickly. It was more than that, though. Jim wouldn't consider anyone who was willing to to give themselves up that easily for a real relationship. He couldn't trust them. He couldn't trust them to be faithful, he couldn't trust them to stand by him, he couldn't trust them to trust him when he wasn't with them. He damn sure wouldn't trust them with any of the demons he carried inside. Jim, Bones understood.
Spock? Now that was a different story. He never truly understood Spock's interest in Jim. To be honest, he knew Spock genuinely cared for Jim, just not why. Why Jim and not someone else? Bones noticed the subtle changes in Spock's face as the Vulcan continued to watch Jim. It was only because of how long he had spent around the man that let him notice the the small differences for what they really were. Concern, pain and something else. Guilt? Bones shook his head and waited for Spock to turn back around.
"I do not like to have these, 'arguments' Dr.," Spock said before finally turning back. "Sometimes I wonder if he's testing me."
"Testing? Why? It's fun to argue all the time?"
"It is not my idea of fun Dr. What I meant was, I wonder if he is trying to push me away. I wonder if he still believes that I cannot really care about him."
Bones felt his glare melt as he remembered back to another night of drinking. Another night that ended in a fight. The difference between the two was only that it had been Jim trying to punch Spock and Bones had jumped into the middle of that fight the same as he had jumped into the one earlier today. Sometime after a few drinks beyond a few too many Jim had managed to no-so-eloquently tell Spock how he felt about him. Jim hadn't believed for one second Spock might actually not be offended. He was completely confident in opening up because he didn't think he ever stood a chance.
Bones was desperate to defuse the precarious situation. He opened his mouth trying to come up with something, anything, to say. His mind blanked. When Spock admitted he was relieved because he wanted to get to know Jim better as well, all hell had broken loose. Bones stood watching briefly trying to figure out what to do before realizing that, oh yeah, stopping the fight might be a good idea... Duh. He wasted a few more seconds before his body caught up with his mind and finally he moved.
"Sometimes I think he still does not trust me to want to be with him. Really with him. Not just for... 'other' reasons," Spock continued.
"He loves you, you know," Bones stated quietly.
"Indeed. But does he know I love him?"
Bones actually had the answer for that but he didn't give it. The simplest answer was no. When it came right down to it Jim didn't trust in anyone to truly care about him. Not for himself as himself. He always figured that they wanted something and whenever they got whatever it was, they'd leave. For the most part the world had done its damnedest to prove him right. Damn it.
"I thought as much."
"He's never really had that before. Not since he lost his parents. It takes time, Spock. If you ever left him..."
"I assure you doctor, I have no intentions of leaving him. In the unfortunate event that we should ever stop seeing one another, it will Jim's decision. Not. Mine."
"No!"
Both men turned at the sudden, loud exclamation and stared. Jim was awake; or at least not asleep. He was sitting up straight and breathing hard. The way his eyes darted around the room left some doubt in Bones' mind that Jim was fully with them. Spock recovered first and took one step toward Jim before stopping. Bones gave him a shove to urge him forward. Jim's gaze finally settled on the two of them.
"Go," he whispered to Spock. Spock didn't move.
Bones glanced back to Jim and stopped moving as well.
"Talking about me," Jim asked icily, glaring at them both.
Bones and Spock replied at the same time.
"No."
"Yes."
Bones shifted his glanced to Spock briefly.
"I had no idea you were here when I planned to visit Dr. McCoy. When I saw you I was compelled to find out what had happened."
He glanced back to Jim. For once, Bones had the good sense to keep his mouth shut.
"So you're telling me you planned to visit Bones... because you thought I wasn't here?"
"That is not what I said," Spock stated simply.
Jim rounded on Bones.
"And you? You're supposed to be my friend. You're, like, the only real friend I have!"
"You have others," Bones stated quietly.
"No! Not others that know me! You're the only other person that knows half of what I've been through... And you and him have a nice cozy chat about me while I'm sleeping and you don't even have the courtesy to do it behind my back!"
"Dr. McCoy did not tell me anything beyond the extent of your injuries. I assure you he did not divulge anything you might wish to be kept from me."
Was Bones imagining the odd tone in Spock's voice. He couldn't tell.
Jim was partly right. He probably was the only person that knew a fraction of what Jim had been through emotionally because of his past. Jim was wrong, however, about not having other friends. People weren't your friends solely because they knew you'd lived through hell and survived. They were your friends because they cared about you. They wanted to see you succeed. They wanted to keep you from being hurt in the future. There were quite a few other people who fit that description. Bones just didn't have the heart to call Jim on it right now.
"Whatever. I'm leaving." Jim swung his legs over the edge of the bed and wobbled. Bones and Spock both started forward to catch him.
"Back off! I don't need your help!"
"You can't leave, Jim," Bones said, still not quite trusting his voice.
"Oh yeah? Watch me."
Jim stood up and for half a second Bones was hopeful Jim wasn't going to topple over. It didn't last of course. Both he and Spock started forward again but Spock's path put him in front of Bones blocking his direct path for Jim. With Bones right behind Spock they reached him almost at the same time. Spock grabbed his arm first.
"Let. Me. Go."
"I can't do that. If you fall you might aggravate your injuries further."
"What do you care," Jim yelled yanking his arm out of Spock's grasp and grabbing onto the bed for support. "What do you care what happens to me? You left me! I didn't leave you! You lied to me. I knew it was a lie. You said you would never abandon me. You know... You know how I ... Damn it! I knew better than to trust you!"
Bones had had enough. If they continued like this someone was bound to get hurt. He had to do something before that could happen. He reached into his pocket and fingered the hypospray there. Could he do it? He was still extremely hesitant about giving Jim sedatives after what Spock had told him.
"I knew better than to trust either of you!"
Jim's grip on the bed kept slipping. Bones ran through scenarios of what would happen if he lost his grip and fell. He ran through the likelihood of the most prominent ones and that decided him. He couldn't risk Jim hurting himself more. Something had to be done now and if there were consequences he would pay them later. That was what being a friend was. It was doing everything you could to help someone you cared about even if they hated you for it in the end.
Jim was more important to Bones than his own fears were. He waited until Jim rounded on Spock again and stuck him with the hypospray. Jim turned back instantly, his eyes were full of accusation and hurt. Bones didn't look away. Guilt began engulfing him. He forced himself to watch as any amount of trust his friend had left fled. Spock reached out and grabbed Jim to keep him from falling as the sedatives kicked in. When Jim's eyes finally closed Bones turned and walked to the farthest chair in the room. He slumped down into it and stared at the hypo in his hands.
*Spock POV*
Spock situated Jim back into the bed and spent some time trying to make sure he would be comfortable. It was a wasted effort and he knew it. None of this was going to help. With the effects of the sedatives Jim was going to wake up confused, groggy and sore no matter what. Still, Spock wasn't ready to face McCoy just yet.
He had seen the look in the doctor's eyes as they waited for the sedatives to work. He knew what the look meant. The doctor was mourning the loss of a friendship. McCoy knew Jim hated sedatives and why. And yet, with no other way to keep his friend from hurting himself the doctor had still chosen the only course of action that would keep his friend safe. Even if it meant his friend would hate him now. Unable to justify delaying any longer Spock finally walked over and took the chair closest to McCoy. For a while they sat quietly, neither speaking.
"You did the right thing doctor."
"Did I," McCoy asked without looking away from the hypospray in his hands.
"Yes."
"Then why do I feel like I just stabbed my best friend in the back?"
"Because you care about him."
McCoy nodded slightly but didn't respond verbally.
"Doctor. You did the right thing. You could not allow him to injure himself further."
"Yeah?" McCoy finally raised his eyes to look at Spock. "Tell him that."
McCoy stood, walked into his office and closed the door.
Spock allowed his eyelids to slide closed. His partner hated him and McCoy hated himself. Was there anything he could do to fix any of this? Jim's accusations rang through his mind. 'You left me! I didn't leave you!' ... 'You said you would never abandon me.' Spock's eyelids shot open and he turned to look at Jim.
"I'm sorry," he whispered to the sleeping man.
There were precious few of Jim's nightmares he actually knew any details about. It seemed the only ones Jim ever deigned to talk about were only the ones that pertained to anything current. Logically, Spock had to assume the majority of Jim's nightmares were about his past. Jim rarely talked about his past. Spock knew McCoy knew some of it but it didn't feel right to ask him to betray his friend. He just wish Jim would feel comfortable sharing them on his own. Maybe there was some way he could help with them. Could have, he corrected himself. There was no way Jim would trust him now.
One night when Jim had been exceptionally drunk, he asked Spock why he wanted to be with him. He dismissed all of the reasons Spock had given him with responses that sounded suspiciously like excuses others had given him. Reasons why they hadn't wanted to stay. Reasons why he wasn't good enough for them.
Finally Spock couldn't take it. The self-hate he felt radiating off of Jim was too much. 'Because I love you!' he blurted out. To this day Jim still had a hard time saying it without being completely drunk. Whatever reaction Spock had expected, anger hadn't been any of it. Jim had ordered Spock to leave. Spock refused. After glaring at him for a while Jim demanded to know why. The conversation didn't get much better.
'Why?'
'I just do, Jim.'
'You're lying.'
'I am not.'
'You have to be.'
'Why?'
'Because!' Jim threw his hands up in a hopeless gesture. 'Because you can't love me.'
'Why?'
'Because!' Jim moved to sit on the edge of the bed. 'Because no one ever has,' he whispered.
No one ever has... It felt like he had just been stunned with a phaser. Spock had sat on the edge of the bed next to Jim not knowing what to say. Logically that statement couldn't be true but did that matter? Jim honestly believed it was true. Spock was still trying to figure out how to respond to that when he noticed the silent tears. He threw logic out the window and gave into instinct. He softly wrapped his arms around Jim and just held him.
'Why?'
'I just do. Believe me, please. I love you.'
'I can't.'
'Please?'
'I can't. You'll just leave me when you're done.'
'I couldn't if I ever wanted to.' Spock reached over and moved Jim's head until they were looking directly into each other's eyes. 'I won't leave you. I promise you.'
"I promise," he whispered to the unconscious man. "Never." There was nothing more he could do for Jim until he woke up. When he did, Spock was going to find some way to get Jim to understand he hadn't meant he was 'leaving' him. He made a mistake and intended to fix it no matter what it took. It might not save their relationship but maybe it could save their friendship. If that was the best he could hope for then he would take it. Right now he needed to check on McCoy and see if there was anything he could do for the doctor.
Opening the door quietly Spock had to smile. The doctor was bent over his desk with his head laying on one arm while the other, the injured one, dangled down on the doctor's left side. McCoy snored softly but didn't stir. Spock backtracked into the main area of sick bay and grabbed a blanket. As quietly as he could he reentered the office and carefully draped the blanket over the sleeping doctor. McCoy's head lifted instantly.
"Jim?"
"Still sleeping," Spock informed him.
McCoy nodded, dropped his head back onto his arm and was asleep again before Spock could suggest that he might be more comfortable elsewhere. Spock shrugged. The doctor was probably used to sleeping here. Spock thought about what to do next. When Jim woke up he was going to insist on being allowed to leave. By then they probably wouldn't be able to stop him. Spock realized there was one small thing small he could do to start repairing the inadvertant damage he had caused. Walking as far as he could get from Jim and the office McCoy was sleeping in he opened his communicator.
"Spock to Scotty."
No response. He tried again.
*Scotty POV*
Scotty's eyes opened and he blinked a few times.
"Spock to Scotty."
Spock? What did he want? Jim. Suddenly Scotty was wide awake. He fumbled for his communicator on the table next to the bed.
"Scotty here. What is it? Is it the captain? How is the captain?"
"He is sleeping right now. He is... no worse."
No worse? What the devil did that mean.
"Can you meet me in sickbay please?"
"Yea, I'll be right with you. Let me get some bloody clothes on first."
*Spock POV*
Spock waited as patiently as he could. With each second that passed his resolve weakened and the reasons for his decision blurred. Could he really leave Jim? What if Jim woke up while Spock was gone. What if he had another bad dream? What if he accidentally pulled his I.V. out. Spock checked the bag on the I.V. It was nearly empty. Should he wake up the doctor to ask if Jim needed another one? He almost talked himself out of the whole idea by the time Scotty arrived.
"What do you mean no worse? I don't even know how bad any of it was before. How would I know what no worse means? And if one of you doesn't tell me exactly what happened-"
"Scotty quiet." Spock shushed him, glancing over at Jim who hadn't stirred once since the doctor injected him. "McCoy's sleeping in his office and... well Jim will probably sleep through just about anything right now but there's no reason to chance it."
"Aye," Scotty said with a quick glance at the sleeping captain. He lowered voice. "So what happened to him and what did you mean by no worse? And if you don't tell me-"
"I'll tell you most of what I know."
Scotty eyed him for a moment. "And what do you mean 'most'?"
"I will tell you more than the basics, Mr. Scott. Some of it I don't know and some things I can't tell you. You will have to be satisfied with that."
"I'm listening."
"Can I tell you when I get back?"
"You'll either tell me now or I'm waking up both of them until one of you gives me a straight answer."
Spock sighed. He'd have to be quick. He didn't want to chance being gone if Jim needed anything. "I suppose I should start at the beginning. Dr. McCoy, Jim and I went out earlier this evening. There was a slight 'scuffle'. No one was seriously injured. The doctor probably got the worst of it. Even so he wasn't injured too badly. The worst of the injuries was a cut along his right forearm from a broken bottle. He maintains the biggest injury he sustained was to his pride. When we returned I.." Spock paused as he tried to figure out the best way to proceed.
"You what?"
"Me and the captain had a disagreement," Spock stated trying to keep his voice steady.
"About what?"
Scotty eyed him suspiciously. Curious, Spock thought.
"It's not important right now. What is important is-"
"I say what's important. A disagreement about what?"
Spock blinked at the man. It felt almost like he knew something and didn't want to say anything unless he knew Spock knew. He wasn't sure how to proceed anymore.
"It was a misunderstanding, that's all."
"About what?"
"Why is that important right now?"
"Why are you dodging my question?"
"Fine. I... did some thing when I was angry. It was the wrong thing. He became angry and he was right."
"Some thing? Wouldn't happen to have anything to do with him being here, would it?"
Spock blinked at the man. Did he honestly believe Spock had hurt Jim? Spock thought back on what he had just said. He almost groaned at his own stupidity. "Yes and no," he said choosing his words more carefully. "I did not physically cause any injury to him. I would never do that. There are things I cannot tell you without discussing them with him first. I can tell you that I care about... his well being too much to hurt him on purpose."
"Care about him... how?"
"Is this really necessary?"
"Yes, now answer me."
"Mr. Scott-"
"Care about him, as a person, you mean? Or something else?"
Scotty knew. Spock wasn't sure how or even how much Scotty knew, but he knew something. "How much do you know?"
"You think I'm gonna betray my captain you're out of your mind."
"He knows about Jim."
Both men spun to face the new speaker. McCoy stood in the doorway of his office, his disheveled hair sticking out randomly, arms folded across his chest. He was leaning against the door frame. His eyes glanced back and forth between the two of them. Slowly the doctor pushed himself off the door frame and joined them.
"He knows about Jim. That's why he's worried you hurt Jim and that's why he says he won't 'betray' him."
"Are you sure doctor?"
"Positive Spock. You don't get to be a good doctor if you can't read what your patients aren't telling you."
"I didn't want to wake you. You needed sleep as well."
"I'm a light sleeper when I have a patient and Mr. Scott's not known for being quiet."
Spock nodded. "Can you fill in the rest while I take care of something?"
"You're doing something for Jim?"
Spock hesitated; McCoy rolled his eyes.
"Just go," McCoy ordered pointing at the door with his uninjured arm.
Spock was almost out of sickbay when McCoy called out to him. He turned to face the doctor.
"Fill in, how much?"
"If it's about me? Anything. If it's about Jim?"
"Yeah, yeah, I got it. Go."
*Scotty POV*
"If one of you doesn't start answering some questions-"
"How did you know?"
Scotty blinked a few times trying to analyze the context of the question.
"About what," he asked suspiciously.
"About Jim's feelings for Spock," Bones stated bluntly.
"How do you know that I know anything about that?"
"Because you're not the least bit shocked by the revelation." McCoy sighed. "We'd better sit down for this."
The doors to sickbay open once again and Spock stuck his head in.
"The I.V. It's almost-"
"Empty, yes I know. What kind of doctor do you think I am? Incompetent?"
"Sorry," Spock muttered.
"Go," Bones ordered.
"Start answering me now or I'm waking the captain up and getting answers from him."
Bones snorted. "Good luck with that. He's out cold for another four hours minimum. More if I know Jim. If you'll just be quiet I'll answer all your questions. Including some you probably haven't thought to ask yet."
Scotty dropped into the nearest chair. Bones gave him a smirk before he sat as well.
"I don't know how you found out about Jim's feelings for Spock, but Spock feels the same way about Jim."
Scotty's eyes widened. Spock liked the captain back? Scotty's head swiveled to look back at his captain. "Spock... Likes him too? Like... Likes him, likes him... Like the same way?"
"Yes," the doctor replied.
Scotty tried to wrap his head around this new information. He had been prepared to defend Kirk when he thought Spock knew how Kirk felt and resented it. Well, he had been prepared to try. In reality Spock would probably beat him to a pulp but Scotty would have gone down fighting. Suddenly a light bulb went off in his mind. Scotty stood and started to pace as he thought. If Kirk liked Spock, and Spock liked Kirk... The captain, Scotty remembered suddenly turning to the biobed where the captain lay.
"You haven't explained what happened yet."
"You haven't given me an opportunity to do so yet."
Scotty returned to his chair and sat down.
"I need your word not to repeat anything you hear here. Not one thing."
"Deal. But. I get to discuss what you tell me with them."
The doctor's eye's widened slightly. Bones cast a quick glance back to the captain. Something in the doctor's face troubled Scotty. Was it worry he saw there?
"No," came the quiet reply from the doctor.
Scotty started to object but Bones turned and shook his head.
"With me and Spock, yes. With Jim... No. It's... complicated."
*McCoy POV*
That was the last thing Jim needed right now. Bones cast another glance back at his friend. Ex-friend, his brain reminded him. No. They'd get through this. He would not lose this friendship without a fight. He would do whatever it took. Right now, though, he had other matters to deal with. Focus, he reminded himself.
"Jim and Spock have been together for a while now."
Scotty opened his mouth to say something and Bones glared at him.
"If they wanted the rest of the ship to know they would have already told people. I recommend you keep this information to yourself." Scotty gave a small nod. Good, thought Bones. "I'm not sure exactly what happened after we got back. All I know is that not too long ago Jim came to sickbay injured, I took care of the injuries and he fell asleep. Spock came down to talk to me about something and found Jim here. Spock was not the one that injured Jim. As near as I can piece together Jim accidentally injured himself while he was cleaning some broken glass.
And where was Spock when Jim had gotten injured, his mind asked. 'You left me! I didn't leave you!'. What the hell was that about, Bones wondered. At the time he had been too concerned that Jim would injure himself to focus on what Jim was saying. Spock assured him that he had no intentions of breaking it off with Jim. But then, what did the captain's words mean. Bones shook his head to clear it.
"Doctor?"
Damn. He'd forgotten about Scotty. "When I called you to stay with him I went to Jim's room to check on everything. I found the broken glass and cleaned it up before coming back. Spock arrived not long after you left. Jim woke up while Spock and I were talking. He became agitated and I had to sedate him to keep him from aggravating his injuries. Since Jim hates sedatives and the last time he saw Spock they had an argument I'm pretty sure it's not a good time to try to talk to him about any of this."
Scotty nodded again and Bones rubbed his temples. He had one hell of a headache forming. He decided not to take anything for it. What did it matter? It couldn't hurt worse than the betrayal he'd seen in Jim's eyes after Bones had hit him with the hypospray. God he wished Spock would hurry up and get back. He didn't feel like dealing with this right now. Bones stood and went to check on his patient. Unhooking the I.V. he stood staring at Jim. The doors to sickbay opened and Spock entered.
"You cleaned it already."
"Yeah."
Spock nodded once and walked over to check on Jim.
*Scotty POV*
Scotty blinked a few times trying to incorporate everything.
"Where were you," he asked suddenly. Scotty stood and walked over to the other two men. "Where were you when he got injured? Why weren't you with him?"
Spock and Bones shared a look.
"I was... making a mistake," Spock said quietly.
"What do you mean 'making a mistake'?"
"I didn't feel like arguing anymore. I left his quarters to keep from..." Spock cleared his throat. "I left his quarters because I was upset with his actions. It was the wrong thing to do." Spock sighed. "He mistook my actions, thinking that I was ending our relationship. That is not what I intended. When I came to ask the doctor for advice and saw Jim..."
Bones put a hand on Spock's shoulder and the two shared a moment.
*Some time later*
*Kirk POV*
James' eyes popped open but he still didn't trust them. Everything was still pretty blurry. Instinctively he reached out for Spock... Spock would make the world make sense. He always did. Mmm... There he was. He focused his eyes on the man in the bed with him. Yep, Spock. James smiled to himself as his toes curled. He started to stretch when he realized something. Spock was awake. Awake and watching him for... some reason. There was an odd look on Spock's face. Instantly it all came crashing back.
James jerked backward and promptly fell off the biobed.
"Jim!"
Owww!
"Are you alright?"
He started to respond before he remembered again why he shouldn't. Dammit! He had fucked up everything again. He had never deserved someone like Spock but he had been determined to hang onto him as long as possible. As usual his own issues had fucked up the best thing he'd ever had. He wanted to do so much. Apologize, beg... Cry... Not going there, he told himself. He groaned and rolled to get to his feet.
"Are you alright?"
"What do you care," James snapped and then winced. Dammit, did he have to make things worse?
"I care," came the quiet response.
Pfft. Yeah, just like everyone else before you? James shook his head trying to clear it. He couldn't think straight when Spock was this close to him. James wobbled slightly and he steadied himself. Everything hurt. His vision was still a little blurry as well. Damn, Bones had probably hit him with a sedative if he was feeling this out of it. If only Spock would... Nope. Not going there. And who's to blame, his mind asked. Shut up, he yelled at the thought.
"Captain?"
His head swiveled to the voice. Scotty? Annnd Bones. Of course. God dammit, couldn't he catch a break? "'M fine," he snarled at them.
"No you're not. You're dehydrated, lacerated and exhausted."
"Shut it Bones," he growled. God it was too early for this. Or was it? What time was it anyway? Actually never mind. The time didn't matter. There was never going to be a good time for this, he decided.
"Captain?"
He squinted against the bright lights. He had to get out of here. Now.
"Not now Scotty."
"Umm... I know you just woke up so you might not know this... And I know they were asleep when I did it but..."
James stilled. "Did what," he asked menacingly. (Or so he hoped.)
"Um... I might have... umm..."
"You might have what, Mr. Scott," Spock asked suspiciously eyeing the engineer.
"Um, I might have over-ridden the security protocols in sickbay and programmed the doors to open only on my command?"
"You... what," Bones asked in quiet voice.
James slowly backed up until he hit a wall.
"Umm... Well... You see..."
"No, but if you don't elaborate soon neither will you," Bones threatened. Scotty gulped.
James looked at the exit doors. Scotty reprogrammed them? So there really was no escape?
"You will open them. Now," Spock ordered.
"Beggin' your pardon, but... No sir?"
James glanced back and forth between Spock and Scotty.
"Scotty."
Everyone in the room turned to the doctor. Bones was wearing his 'I'm-a-doctor-not-a-threat' face. James tried to back up more and tensed his muscles. He looked around trying to find which way would be best to get out of the line of fire. He knew Bones too well to be taken in by that 'I'm innocent, trust me' face.
"Why don't you just open the doors and let everyone go about their business?"
Scotty straightened and met Bones' eyes. "No."
"Mr. Scott," Spock began.
"No. You like the captain. He likes you. You messed up. Fix it or I'm not opening the doors."
James gawked at the engineer. Scotty knew? How?
Spock sighed. "Scotty-"
"No. If you care about him as much as you say you can show it."
"It's not that simple. It's... complicated."
"Aye, now where have I heard that before?"
"Scotty," Bones began again, his voice still 'too sweet'.
Scotty straightened. "No."
Jim glanced at Bones. Without actually turning to look he couldn't see Spock. Just as well, his brain informed him. No chance to see how much you've disappointed him...
"Doctor. Don't."
James stiffened at Spock's tone.
"His problem is with me. Dr. McCoy, please return to your office."
"The hell I will," Bones responded.
"Doctor, please-"
"I'm not leaving Jim here without his physician."
"Very well, then. Please take him with you."
"Don't you dare try to order me around in here. This isn't the bridge, this is sickbay and I'm in charge in here."
"Doctor, it is only logical that-"
"Don't use that logical crap on me."
If this went on much longer someone was going to get hurt. If anyone in here hurt anyone else in here they were going to seriously regret it later. He couldn't let that happen.
"Stop!" He turned and locked eyes with Spock. Maybe he could keep them from hurting each other if he could draw the fire to himself. He had to try. The worst had already happened. Nothing else could hurt him any more than he was already hurting.
"You're mad at me. Don't take it out on him." He squared his shoulders. "I can handle my own consequences. You will take your anger out on me. Not. Him."
Spock shook his head. "I am not angry with you."
"Scotty. Open the doors and you and Bones leave."
"First he's trying to kick me out of my own sickbay and now you? Let's get one thing straight, kid."
James cut him off before he could continue. "Fine. You and Scotty stay, Spock and I will go elsewhere and resolve this."
"If I believed the two of you would do that I might just open the doors. I know you both too well for that. Doors stay locked and we all stay here."
*McCoy POV*
"Jimmy," Bones began.
"Don't, Bones. I know when I've messed up. Trust me, I've got this."
"It's not like that."
"Scotty. Open. The. Doors."
"No."
Bones felt his heart breaking for the kid. He thought he'd messed up. Of course he did. Knowing Jim, Bones should have guessed that Jim would scramble the whole thing around until he could somehow blame himself for everything. Why not? It's what everyone else used to do to him.
"Everyone stop," Bones ordered in loud voice. "We're all going to sit down and discuss this like rational adults."
Jim finally turned back to face him.
"You have no authority to give me orders doctor. As far as discussing things goes, I believe I'm the only one here that is acting rational."
"Then why don't we all sit down and discuss this?"
"Because any issue I have with Spock does not have anything to do with you. Consequently, any issue I have with you does not have anything to do with Spock. I see no reason to combine the discussions, doctor."
Bones sighed. The attitude wasn't new. He knew Jim too well. Jim was refraining from calling him Bones to keep himself more distanced. The attitude Jim was adopting was designed to push people away and keep himself from being hurt. Bones had been through this a few times already. He understood Jim was trying to protect himself. Understanding it didn't help Bones to feel any better. Actually, that Jim would feel he had to protect himself from Bones made it hurt worse.
Spock interjected before Bones could.
"I'm sorry."
Jim looked briefly bewildered and Bones shook his head sadly.
"You and I both know you have nothing to be sorry for. I messed up. End of story." Jim shrugged. "It was fun while it lasted, though."
"Spock." Bones waited until the Vulcan turned to him before he continued. "Don't. Not now. It won't do any good. Scotty, you need to open the doors. Now."
*Scotty POV*
'Open the doors, open the doors.' They weren't getting it. He was sick and tired of watching the people he cared about hate each other and themselves. Something had to give somewhere. He was not opening the doors until something got fixed. It didn't have to be perfect but it had to be better than this. Like hell he was 'opening the doors'...
"None of you are getting it so I'll try this again. I. Am not. Opening. The doors. Not until something gets resolved." He paused. "I can't do... this." He waved his hand vaguely trying to find a way to illustrate his point. "You're the only family I have. You're my family, my friends... everything. I'm not standing back and letting you all rip each other and yourselves to pieces. I can't."
For a while no one spoke.
"Scotty," the captain said softly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."
Scotty shook his head not trusting himself to speak.
"Hey, we'll be fine. It'll get better. We're all... friends right?"
Scotty wouldn't have believed him without the hesitation.
"Scotty I'm sorry I dragged you into this. I... damn it." Bones trailed off.
"As am I, Mr. Scott. I was preoccupied with other things, but I should have taken time to consider that this situation might have had an impact on you as well."
Scotty walked over to the nearest chair and dropped into it.
*Kirk POV*
Great. Just one more thing I screwed up, James thought to himself. He had to find a way to fix this. The engineer looked so vulnerable it was gut wrenching. James walked over to the chair nearest Scotty and sat down. Slowly, hesitantly, he placed his hand on the engineer's arm. He waited until Scotty looked up at him.
"I really am sorry."
Scotty shook his head. "You're not getting it." He scanned the room. "None of you are. You're all ready to kill each other. You keep saying you're all friends but even you don't believe that. Tell me I'm wrong."
James stared at the man. He opened his mouth to tell him how wrong he was but couldn't. It would be a lie. He never willingly lied if he could help it. He shut his mouth and tried to find some way to fix this.
"I can't do this," Scotty whispered quietly.
James wanted to rub his temples. God he had one fuck of a headache coming on. Damn sedatives.
"Jimmy."
James turned to the doctor.
"I'm sorry I had to sedate you."
James shook his head. He couldn't do this right now. Right now he had to focus on Scotty. Bones moved a chair near them and sat down. James ignored the man. He couldn't talk to him right now. He knew he had to have done some thing stupid for Bones to have sedated him. He just couldn't remember what it was. Right now he didn't want to remember what it was. He just wanted to fix whatever was troubling Scotty.
"You're going to have to talk to me Jim," Bones said quietly.
"Yeah, just not right now, okay?"
"You want to help Scotty?"
James looked back up at Bones.
"You're going to have to talk to me then. I'm not asking for forgiveness, Jim. I'm just apologizing."
James looked back and forth between the doctor and the engineer. He avoided looking back to Spock. That, he really couldn't deal with right now. It was bad enough he was going to have to deal with the man once Enterprise was space bound again. Unless Spock asked for a transfer... James' heart dropped. No, I can't think about that right now. Later, he promised himself. Later.
"No one is mad at you."
James glared at the doctor.
"Not now B-, doctor." Damn it, James thought to himself. I can't keep slipping like that. What's wrong with me today? Probably the fucking sedatives. Dammit.
"Jim...," Spock said hesitantly.
No, no, no. Not now, please not now.
"When I left earlier I was wrong. I didn't mean for you to think I was leaving you. I just didn't want to argue. I couldn't allow myself to give in as if I was condoning your actions earlier, but I never meant I was leaving... I wouldn't do that."
"Stop. Just stop. I can't do this right now."
James stood and started to pace.
"Jim."
"No! Not right now! Just... Dammit!"
*McCoy POV*
Bones held up a hand to stop Spock from continuing. Now was not a good time for this. They had to get Jim out of this line of reasoning before he would even hear anything they had to say. He spared a quick look to Jim before he made his way to Spock.
"Not right now, Spock," Bones whispered. "He won't hear what you're trying to say right now. We need to find a way to get through his defenses first."
Easier said then done, Bones thought as he watched Jim pace.
"Doctor," Spock questioned.
Bones shook his head still trying to think of how to proceed.
"Captain?"
James stopped pacing and turned to face the engineer.
"Whatever happened... It's just...," Scotty paused and took a breath before beginning again. "It's obvious that he still cares about you. I know I don't know what happened but I don't think it matters. He doesn't seem to blame you as much as you seem to blame yourself. And the doctor..." Scotty hesitated again and glanced at Bones before looking back to Jim. "The doctor's obvious upset about some thing too. I can't imagine that whatever happened was bad enough to end your friendship though."
Bones sighed. You don't understand, kid, he thought at the engineer.
"I appreciate the effort Scotty," James said with a weak smile. "Like you said though, you don't know everything. I messed up, but it's okay, I'm used to it. I'll survive."
Scotty shook his head. "You're missing the point sir," he persisted.
Jim stopped and stared at Scotty. Bones blinked a few times and watched the by-play curiously.
"Even if you messed up, which I'm not saying you did, mind you," Scotty shook a finger at Jim. "I don't think it's as bad as you seem to think it is. I think you're jumping to conclusions and not listening to what anyone's saying. I mean... I mean you all are. You all seem to be saying different things and none of you seem to be hearing the others." Scotty turned and looked at the others as if for confirmation.
*Kirk POV*
James stopped and stared at Scotty. What? Cautiously he turned and inspected the others. Bones was watching him intently and Spock seemed to be inspecting the floor. James frowned. Had he really not messed up everything that badly? Had he gotten everything that wrong? If Spock really hadn't meant he was leaving him...
"Did..." God, it was suddenly hard to speak. "Did you really mean..."
Spock's eyes slowly drifted up to meet his and James couldn't speak anymore.
"I'm sorry," Spock whispered.
"You... left me."
"No, not like that. I didn't mean it like that. I'm... sorry..."
James couldn't take it. He wrapped his arms around himself trying to keep himself from falling apart more. Suddenly Spock's arms were around him. He couldn't help it, he leaned into the man and hung onto him like his life depended on it. Maybe it did.
*McCoy POV*
Bones stared at the scene in astonishment. With a few stumbling sentences Scotty had managed to break through Jim's defenses and finally get him to listen. Bones was stunned by how simple the engineer had made it seem. Shaking his head he walked over to Scotty and put a hand on his arm. Nodding to his office he led them both out of the main area of sickbay to give Jim and Spock some privacy.
"I'm not even going to ask how you did that. Just... just thank you."
Scotty looked at him in confusion. "Um, you're welcome?"
Bones chucked and sat down at his desk.
"Um, there's still whatever happened between you and the captain," Scotty stated hesitantly.
Bones sighed. "One thing at a time, kid. One thing at a time."
*Spock POV*
"You left..."
"No. Not like that. Never."
"But-"
Spock moved his head until he was staring directly into Jim's eyes. "No. I promised you. I will never just leave you. Not like that. Never."
"I... I thought..."
Spock sighed and wrapped his arms around Jim even tighter.
"Katelau, mate, I will never 'leave' you like that. Ni'droi'ik nar-tor, I was wrong."
"I thought it was because... you know?"
Spock gave a sad smile. "I know."
Indeed, he did know some of the demons his partner dealt with. Not all of them but enough. He should have known how Jim would have seen his leaving. He should have realized. His mistake, not Jim's.
"I mean," Jim continued. "I know I'll mess up sooner or later but..."
"Please stop."
"It's true. I've never been really good at relationships. I just didn't want... Don't want... I can't lose you."
"You won't. I didn't realize you would see it that way. It was my fault, not yours."
Jim shook his head. "You can't blame yourself for my messed up emotions."
"I'm not. I am blaming myself for hurting you."
Jim began to tremble slightly. Spock held him tighter. If only he could banish these demons. Spock wanted nothing more than to fix all of Jim's broken parts. He didn't deserve to feel like this. He didn't deserve not being able to trust others not to abandon him at the first sign of trouble. He didn't deserve to blame himself for everything. When Spock felt Jim reopen the bond the pain he felt within his mate caused him to inhale sharply.
"Don't leave me," Jim whispered. "Please?"
"Never," Spock assured him.
*Scotty POV*
It was several hours later when the captain and Spock finally walked into the doctor's office. Scotty eyed them carefully. They looked like they were doing better. Well, they looked worn and a little rough around the edges, especially the captain. Overall though, they seemed to be doing well. Hopefully they finally got things settled. The captain ran a hand through his hair and gave Scotty a small smile.
"Thanks Scotty."
"No worries. Everything good?"
The captain sighed. "No, but better. Is that alright? For now?"
"Aye, it'll work."
"Usually it's Bones trying to knock sense into me."
Bones grunted.
"I wouldn't have expected something like that from you. Thanks, though."
"Yes, thank you," Spock repeated.
Scotty nodded.
"Well. Now that's cleared up, maybe you could unlock the doors now," Bones said pointedly looking at Scotty.
"Umm..." Scotty fidgeted.
"Um, what," Bones asked suspiciously.
"About that... I can't actually unlock them..."
"Scotty. I appreciate what you did. I'm glad someone was able to get that boy to see reason, but now it's over. Unlock the doors," Bones ordered.
"I can't," Scotty told the doctor.
"Scotty, I swear, If you don't unlock those doors right now-"
"They're not locked."
The doctor blinked at him several times.
"They're not... what?"
"Not locked," he repeated
The captain put a hand on his shoulder and turned him so they were face to face. "So, wait a minute. What you're saying is...,"
Scotty looked at his captain and finally admitted the truth. "I lied," he said with a grin.
"You... lied?"
Scotty's grin widened. "Yep."
"I'll be damned." Bones said with a low whistle. "He played us all."
"Indeed," Spock admitted.
"Well somebody had to do something." Scotty shrugged. His face turned serious. "I meant it though. Everything I said, I meant that. You three have to learn how to resolve your issues better. I can't stand seeing my family like that."
"I really am sorry about that, Scotty," his captain told him.
Bones reached over and gave Scotty a few pat's on the back. "Thanks for knocking sense into me too."
"And I as well," Spock added.
The captain reached his hand behind himself. Spock reached out and took it.
Maybe, just maybe, they actually would be alright, Scotty thought to himself.