Another Nightmare
By Diane Klepper
(Author's Note: This story is set after the sixth season episode "Memorial".)
Tom Paris- Personal Log
It's four in the morning and I'm afraid to close my eyes. It's the third time this
week that I woke up with the same dream. I keep seeing all those Nakaan civilians being
murdered. Doc keeps saying the dreams will fade and I hope he is right. I have enough
real life nightmares to live with.
I guess I have been having nightmares for as long as I can remember. Some of my
earliest memories have me climbing into bed with my parents after waking up from a
nightmare when I was three years old. Those nightmares consisted of monsters I saw in
scary holo-programs my sisters had. By the time I was four, my farther started lecturing
me about how a dream shouldn't scare me. He said I wasn't a baby anymore and I should
start acting like a man. After that, whenever I had a bad dream, I use to hide under my
blanket holding my teddy bear, crying until the sun came out. A few times, when my
father was away on a mission, I use to climb into bed with my mom, but I was too afraid
my dad would find out and yell at me. By the time I was five, I use to just stay in my
room and pray for morning to arrive.
As I got older, the dreams changed. After I started flying, many of my nightmares
had me in a shuttle with my dad. He sat there lecturing me on how I had to keep the
shuttle straight and saying I would never be good enough to fly for Starfleet. I use to
wake up sweating and spent the rest of the night staring at the stars, wishing I could be
there instead of my father's house.
When I was thirteen I fell asleep in class after a sleepless night and I was sent to
the school counselor. The counselor asked me if I had any problems at home. I gave her
my best lopsided grin and told her everything was great at home. I could tell from the
way she looked at me, she didn't believe me. She mentioned that my grades were going
down and it was very common for people who came from high-ranking Starfleet families
to have problems with things like sleep. As I sat in her office she called my mom and
made an appointment to talk to my parents the next day. I don't know what was said at
that meeting, but when my parents came home, my father was very angry and the next
day I was transferred to a military prep school.
By the time I entered Starfleet Academy, the nightmares didn't come as
frequently. I guess the fact that I made it into the Academy gave me some confidence.
Also, at the time my dad was busy with some sort of negotiations on Vulcan so he was
pretty much leaving my alone.
After graduation I thought I had it made. I was a Starfleet officer and I was doing
the thing I loved most…I was flying. Then Caldik Prime happened. At first, I thought it
was one of my nightmares, but this time I was awake. I was responsible for three deaths-
three of my best friends. When I woke up in the hospital after the accident I was under so
much medication I thought maybe I dreamed the whole thing. But when the medication
wore off, I started remembering what happened. That night, as I fell into a restless sleep, I
heard my crewmates' dying screams in my dreams.
The next day I remember waking up and seeing my parents and sisters standing
by my bio-bed in the infirmary. I saw tears coming down my mom's cheeks. Both Moira
and Kathleen gave me hugs and I saw a look of concern on my dad's face. He looked at
me and said in a gentle voice, "Son, what happened?" As I looked into his eyes, I
remembered all the times I did something wrong. For some reason, I just couldn't
disappoint him again. It came out of my mouth before I knew what I said. I blamed
Bruno for the accident. I told me Dad he was the lead pilot who pulled up too late. To
this day I still don't know why the lie came out so easily. I just didn't realize how hard it
would be to live with that lie.
After the formal inquiry, where I repeated my lie, I went back to flying. I thought
I could forget what happened and get on with the rest of my life. But every night I saw
my crewmates in my dreams. The really weird part was that they didn't seem to be mad
at me for the accident. They seemed to feel sorry for me. After seeing my dead friends in
my dreams for three weeks I went to the infirmary and asked the doctor for something to
help sleep. The doctor gave me a complete examination and said there was nothing
wrong with me and suggested that I talk to a counselor. Yeah, right, I couldn't admit that
the accident was my fault to myself, how could I tell a counselor that I am responsible for
three deaths? After, that, I started drinking a lot before I went to bed. I thought if I passed
out in a stupor the dreams wouldn't come. The dreams still came and I was put on report
because I came to work late five times over a two-week period.
Then one night, after a really awful dream, I just knew that I couldn't live with the
guilt anymore. I knew I was throwing away my career, but I had to confess. I still
remember the look on my father's face when I was forced to resign from Starfleet. He
had such anger in his eyes as he walked out of the courtroom. After that, I just drifted for
a while, trying to run away from my dreams. But the dreams followed me wherever I
went. I spent my nights drinking and playing pool at Sandrine's and I spent my days
sleeping off the effects of the alcohol. I didn't let anyone get close to me because after
Caldik Prime all my so- called Starfleet friends rejected me. I even drove off Sandrine
with my behavior. I remember her telling me, "Thomas, I do not want you to come back
here. I can't stop you from drinking your life away but I don't have to watch."
One week later, I joined the Maquis. They were desperate for pilots and they even
accepted me with my track record. After I joined the Maquis the dreams stopped for a
while, but the night I was caught and put in a Starfleet detention cell, a new nightmare
took over. In this nightmare, my father was yelling at me and saying that he knew I
would never amount to anything. I woke up in a cold sweat and stared at the prison cell's
force field for the rest of the night. It's funny, after I was sent to New Zealand, the
nightmares stopped. I guess the long hours of work I was given enabled me to go back to
my cell and pass out most nights without having nightmares.
By Diane Klepper
(Author's Note: This story is set after the sixth season episode "Memorial".)
Tom Paris- Personal Log
It's four in the morning and I'm afraid to close my eyes. It's the third time this
week that I woke up with the same dream. I keep seeing all those Nakaan civilians being
murdered. Doc keeps saying the dreams will fade and I hope he is right. I have enough
real life nightmares to live with.
I guess I have been having nightmares for as long as I can remember. Some of my
earliest memories have me climbing into bed with my parents after waking up from a
nightmare when I was three years old. Those nightmares consisted of monsters I saw in
scary holo-programs my sisters had. By the time I was four, my farther started lecturing
me about how a dream shouldn't scare me. He said I wasn't a baby anymore and I should
start acting like a man. After that, whenever I had a bad dream, I use to hide under my
blanket holding my teddy bear, crying until the sun came out. A few times, when my
father was away on a mission, I use to climb into bed with my mom, but I was too afraid
my dad would find out and yell at me. By the time I was five, I use to just stay in my
room and pray for morning to arrive.
As I got older, the dreams changed. After I started flying, many of my nightmares
had me in a shuttle with my dad. He sat there lecturing me on how I had to keep the
shuttle straight and saying I would never be good enough to fly for Starfleet. I use to
wake up sweating and spent the rest of the night staring at the stars, wishing I could be
there instead of my father's house.
When I was thirteen I fell asleep in class after a sleepless night and I was sent to
the school counselor. The counselor asked me if I had any problems at home. I gave her
my best lopsided grin and told her everything was great at home. I could tell from the
way she looked at me, she didn't believe me. She mentioned that my grades were going
down and it was very common for people who came from high-ranking Starfleet families
to have problems with things like sleep. As I sat in her office she called my mom and
made an appointment to talk to my parents the next day. I don't know what was said at
that meeting, but when my parents came home, my father was very angry and the next
day I was transferred to a military prep school.
By the time I entered Starfleet Academy, the nightmares didn't come as
frequently. I guess the fact that I made it into the Academy gave me some confidence.
Also, at the time my dad was busy with some sort of negotiations on Vulcan so he was
pretty much leaving my alone.
After graduation I thought I had it made. I was a Starfleet officer and I was doing
the thing I loved most…I was flying. Then Caldik Prime happened. At first, I thought it
was one of my nightmares, but this time I was awake. I was responsible for three deaths-
three of my best friends. When I woke up in the hospital after the accident I was under so
much medication I thought maybe I dreamed the whole thing. But when the medication
wore off, I started remembering what happened. That night, as I fell into a restless sleep, I
heard my crewmates' dying screams in my dreams.
The next day I remember waking up and seeing my parents and sisters standing
by my bio-bed in the infirmary. I saw tears coming down my mom's cheeks. Both Moira
and Kathleen gave me hugs and I saw a look of concern on my dad's face. He looked at
me and said in a gentle voice, "Son, what happened?" As I looked into his eyes, I
remembered all the times I did something wrong. For some reason, I just couldn't
disappoint him again. It came out of my mouth before I knew what I said. I blamed
Bruno for the accident. I told me Dad he was the lead pilot who pulled up too late. To
this day I still don't know why the lie came out so easily. I just didn't realize how hard it
would be to live with that lie.
After the formal inquiry, where I repeated my lie, I went back to flying. I thought
I could forget what happened and get on with the rest of my life. But every night I saw
my crewmates in my dreams. The really weird part was that they didn't seem to be mad
at me for the accident. They seemed to feel sorry for me. After seeing my dead friends in
my dreams for three weeks I went to the infirmary and asked the doctor for something to
help sleep. The doctor gave me a complete examination and said there was nothing
wrong with me and suggested that I talk to a counselor. Yeah, right, I couldn't admit that
the accident was my fault to myself, how could I tell a counselor that I am responsible for
three deaths? After, that, I started drinking a lot before I went to bed. I thought if I passed
out in a stupor the dreams wouldn't come. The dreams still came and I was put on report
because I came to work late five times over a two-week period.
Then one night, after a really awful dream, I just knew that I couldn't live with the
guilt anymore. I knew I was throwing away my career, but I had to confess. I still
remember the look on my father's face when I was forced to resign from Starfleet. He
had such anger in his eyes as he walked out of the courtroom. After that, I just drifted for
a while, trying to run away from my dreams. But the dreams followed me wherever I
went. I spent my nights drinking and playing pool at Sandrine's and I spent my days
sleeping off the effects of the alcohol. I didn't let anyone get close to me because after
Caldik Prime all my so- called Starfleet friends rejected me. I even drove off Sandrine
with my behavior. I remember her telling me, "Thomas, I do not want you to come back
here. I can't stop you from drinking your life away but I don't have to watch."
One week later, I joined the Maquis. They were desperate for pilots and they even
accepted me with my track record. After I joined the Maquis the dreams stopped for a
while, but the night I was caught and put in a Starfleet detention cell, a new nightmare
took over. In this nightmare, my father was yelling at me and saying that he knew I
would never amount to anything. I woke up in a cold sweat and stared at the prison cell's
force field for the rest of the night. It's funny, after I was sent to New Zealand, the
nightmares stopped. I guess the long hours of work I was given enabled me to go back to
my cell and pass out most nights without having nightmares.