CORIANDER LOOKED AROUND. CARDAMOM HAD SAID HE WOULD BE THERE AT 6. HE WAS LATE! HAD SOMETHING GONE WRONG?
HIS SPICY SENSES TINGLING, HE REACHED INTO HIS SEED HUSK AND PULLED OUT HIS MOBILE. WHEN CARDAMOM ARRIVED AT 2 AM SHE LOOKED DISHEVELED AND THERE WAS LIPSTICK ON HER FACE. SUDDENLY CORIANDER KNEW THAT IT WAS CINNAMON! THAT STUPID SPICE IN THE RED LEATHER JACKET! HOLDING HIS TIRED SEED HUSK IN HIS HANDS, CORIANDER CRIED A SINGLE TEAR. THEN HE GRABBED HIS COAT AND THE KEYS TO HIS SEEDMOBILE AND WALKED OUT THE DOOR. "I JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ONE, YOU KNOW?! SOME SPICES JUST TASTE RIGHT." HE REVVED THE SEEDMOBILE ENGINE AND SPED OFF INTO THE DARK SOUPY NIGHT. CARDAMOM WATCHED HIM GO FROM THE WINDOW OF THE KIRKLAND SIGNATURE PEPPER JAR THEY HAD SHARED FOR A YEAR AND A HALF.

(can we just take a sec of appreciate that we are writing SPICE FAN FICTION)

(Yeah I don't think you will ever meet anyone cooler than us tbh)

HE DROVE DOWN INTO THE HEART OF THE SPICE RACK. WHEN HE CAME TO THE MAIN INTERSECTION HE SAW CINNAMON CROSSING. INFURIATED HE FLOORED THE GAS PEDAL AND CAME ROARING TOWARDS THE TERRIFIED SPICE. ALONGSIDE HIS SEEDMOBILE PULLED UP A BUTTERDISH FULL OF UNSUSPECTING TOURISTS "What're you punks looking at?!" He yelled. "Don't you have some soufflés to over-salt?"

(This is making me squirm around on my bed from laughter just FYI)

THE DRIVER OF THE BUTTERBOAT GAVE HIM A KNIFELIKE GLARE. WHICH WAS FITTING BECAUSE HE WAS A KNIFE. THE ENRAGED CONDIMENT SWERVED TO THE LEFT AND THE TOURIST'S CAR BECAME CAUGHT IN HIS HUBCAP. THE TWO SPICE-CARS WENT BARRELING TOWARD THE EDGE OF THE SHELF AND DOWN

DOWN

DOWN

INTO OBLIVION

THEY HIT THE SOUP WITH A PLOP

VAGUELY THEY COULD HEAR A COOK IN THE DISTANCE SAYING "oh no not again, now it's over spiced!"

(PLEASE IMAGINE THIS SCENE LIKE ONE OF THE MANY IN DRAMATIC MOVIES WHERE PEOPLE DRIVE INTO A LAKE IN THEIR CAR AND NEARLY DROWN)

CARDAMOM STRUGGLED FOR AIR. SOUP FILLED HIS LUNGS AS HE GASPED FOR BREATH. SUDDENLY A HAND PULLED AT HIS SEED HUSK. HE FELT HIMSELF BEING PULLED UPWARDS. BREACHING THE SURFACE OF THE SOUP, HE CLIMBED ONTO A CROUTON AND STARED CONFUSEDLY INTO THE FACE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BASIL LEAF HE HAD EVER SEEN. HER GREEN LEAF SHIMMERED FROM THE SOUP. SHE SMILED AT HIM (YES LEAVES CAN SMILE DEAL WITH IT) HE COULD TELL THAT SHE HAD SOME SAFFRON IN HER BLOOD, BUT HE LIKED HIS GIRLS EXOTIC LIKE THAT

THE BEAUTIFUL GREEN JUST BEGGED TO BE TOUCHED, TO BE BROKEN SO HE COULD SMELL THAT WONDERFUL SMELL OF CAPRESE SALAD. SUDDENLY, AS HE LEANED IN TO KISS THE BEAUTIFUL LEAF, A MASSIVE SILVER OBJECT APPEARED FROM ABOVE. "NOOOOO" HE CRIED. IT SCOOPED THE GIRL UP AND CARRIED HER AWAY. THE SPOON PICKED HER UP. HE SCREAMED FROM ATOP HIS CROUTON, LAMENTING THE LOSS OF HIS NEWFOUND LOVE

"I LOVE YOU"

PUMPING HIS FIST INTO THE AIR, ENRAGED AT THE WORLD FOR TAKING HIS YOUNG LOVE IN SO SWIFT A GULP, HE JUMPED INTO THE SOUP. HE TOOK A DEEP BREATH, FILLING HIS LUNGS WITH CHICKEN NOODLE. BUT JUST AS HE WAS BEGINNING TO BLACK OUT HE FELT HIMSELF BEGIN TO BE LIFTED INTO THE CONSCIOUS, HE REGISTERED A STEADY HAND GUIDING A LARGE SILVER FLOAT UP INTO THE SKY. HE FELT WEIGHTLESS. FEELING WARM BREATH ON HIM AND THE CLINK OF TEETH ON METAL, HE SUCCUMBED TO DARKNESS. THE GREAT GOD PETE CAMPBELL HAD SAVED HIM. HIS FINAL THOUGHTS AS HE TRAVELED DOWN THAT STRANGE ESOPHAGUS WAS IF ONLY

IF ONLY

HE HAD MADE HIS LIFE MORE FLAVORFUL

WHILE HE STILL COULD

fin