Chapter 1: It Wasn't Supposed To Be This Way
Lou sat, alone, at the dining room table and stared at the slice of pumpkin pie in front of her. The room was dark, except for the light of three candles, and the house was quiet, except for the cold wind howling outside. It was late and everyone else was asleep. Lou had tried going to sleep, but she only tossed and turned, unable to turn off her mind and rest. She thought a slice of pie would be a comforting distraction from the thoughts that continually bombarded her. Yet, here she was, poking at the (otherwise untouched) piece of pie with her fork and giving in to the barrage of worrisome thoughts and painful memories.
Earlier, that same table, had been adorned with the nice tablecloth and the good dishes. Filling the spaces between the dishes were a huge turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, green bean casserole, and just about anything else you'd expect at thanksgiving dinner. In the middle was a large, apple-cinnamon scented red candle with two smaller candles on either side, surrounded by colorful autumn leaves. Seated around the table was the entire family, all talking and laughing and smiling. The only person missing was Peter, Lou's ex-husband.
Lou had, sadly, grown accustomed to Peter's absence, even when they were still married. He was always at work or traveling for work and, eventually, they had realized that they were rarely in the same place, both geographically and in their lives. They wanted different things, and had different priorities, and the time they did spend together was increasingly filled with heated arguments. They rarely had the chance to find solutions to their problems, because Peter always had to leave for work or some business trip, and their "discussion" would be cut short. "Discussion" was, of course, code for "argument", because Lou and Peter didn't want their two, young, daughters to know how bad things had become between them. Now, though, everyone knew how bad it was, because Lou and Peter had separated and then, finally, divorced.
Whenever Peter had been away during their marriage, despite any arguments they'd had, Lou had always felt the pain of missing him. Now, instead of it being easier, that pain was worse. Even though they were no longer together, Lou still cared about him, and in his absence she not only missed him, but missed what they had once had. She missed being a complete family and having a partner in raising the girls. She missed knowing that she wasn't alone and that she had someone there to care for and protect her. Of course, she still wasn't alone, she had four generations of family around her all the time and she knew that her grandfather and father would always care for and protect her. Still, it wasn't the same as having a husband, someone who had vowed to always be there and who loved her in a way that no one else did.
The tears began to come, no matter how hard Lou fought to hold them in. Had those vows ever meant anything to Peter? Did he really ever love her? After all, it had been Peter's idea to separate in the first place. She had wanted to fight for their marriage, but Peter was just too tired of fighting. Lou had never handled failure well, and now she felt she had failed at the most important thing- her marriage. Self-doubt crept in and convinced her that she hadn't been good enough for Peter. She wasn't worth his time or his love, and she hadn't been worth fighting for. He had more important things to do, and Lou just wasn't his priority. If it hadn't been for Katie and Georgie, they probably wouldn't have lasted as long as they did. Lou figured she would never see or hear from him at all, these days, if not for the girls.
Lou shook her head, as if she could physically shake the negative thoughts out of her mind. Deep down, she knew there was no truth to those thoughts, there couldn't be. Peter loved his daughters so much and they were definitely worth his time and love. Yet, in a way, he had left them too. Sure, he came to visit them, talked with them on the phone, and was always excited to have them visit him, but it wasn't the same anymore. Most of the time, he wasn't around. Lou couldn't understand how Peter lived day to day without seeing Katie and Georgie on a regular basis. That's when fear took a shot at her.
"Peter does love those girls and will do anything for them. It's only a matter of time before he tries to get custody and takes them away. One day, you'll wake up, and the girls won't be there, because they'll be living with Peter," fear whispered to her.
"No," Lou said aloud, "he wouldn't do that." The sound of her own voice startled her- breaking the silence around her and interrupting her thoughts.
"Great, now I'm talking to myself," she muttered. "I've lost my husband and my marriage, and now I'm losing my mind." Lou sat quietly, lightly jabbing her pie, but still not eating it. Silence settled over the room again, and invited the unpleasant thoughts to return.
Just hours earlier, Lou had been able to think of so many things she was thankful for. When they had sat down for dinner, they took turns sharing what they were grateful for and Lou's answer had come easily.
"I'm thankful for my beautiful daughters and that they get to be here, with me, today," she had readily shared. She was still thankful for that, of course, but it was a bittersweet feeling. Part of the reason she was so happy to have them now was that she knew she wouldn't have them later. She and Peter had decided that the girls would spend Thanksgiving at Heartland, with Lou, but on Christmas they would be in Vancouver, with Peter. Lou's stomach turned at the thought of spending Christmas without her daughters. She had been hoping it would be the other way around, but as usual, Peter had to travel and they had to work around his schedule.
This was the first Christmas since they had officially divorced. During their separation, they had been spending the holidays together, for the girls sake. Now, with the divorce final, Peter was ready to split the holidays up and take turns spending them with the girls.
"Is there any point in pretending that we're still together, when we obviously aren't?" he had asked.
Lou hadn't wanted to admit it, but she and Peter had continued to grow further apart and any time they spent together, trying to be happy, for the girls... it felt too forced, too fake. Peter was right. At this point, they were just pretending, and if she wanted a genuinely relaxing and pleasant holiday with Katie and Georgie, then Peter couldn't be there.
Lou hadn't found the courage, yet, to tell Georgie and Katie that they wouldn't all be together for Christmas and that they wouldn't even be spending it at Heartland. She didn't know how they would take it, but she assumed it wouldn't be good. Georgie, especially, loved being at Heartland and with the whole family. She loved her dad, too, but if she had to choose... Lou's stomach turned again. Why should Georgie, or Katie, or any child, have to choose which parent or family they'd rather be with? How could she and Peter be putting their own daughters through this, just because the two of them can't reconcile their differences? Lou's eyes stung as a, now steady, stream of tears ran down her face.
"How did we get here? How did we grow so far apart?" She wondered, silently. How could someone she had loved so deeply, now be the source of so much much pain? People kept telling her that, with time, it would get easier. She knew they meant well, but truthfully, she didn't want it to get "easier". She didn't want it to be "easy" to be apart from the man she had once loved and married, or to raise her daughters without a father who was always there, or to ask them to choose between their parents. It wasn't supposed to be this way and it wasn't supposed to be "easy". Lou just wished it didn't have to be this hard, either.