(This fic came to me when I was reading an essay on Ruka. Episodes 28 & 29
have always seemed to be so sad and wonderful. Ruka appears like a true
prince from a storybook, dying for the woman he loves. It was so strong an
emotion that I had to write this down.)
Shadowed Azure Softer than a Whisper
"Love that comes too late, Like a remorseful pardon slowly carried, To the great sender turns a sour offense, Crying, 'That's good that's gone.'" SHAKESPEARE
It was terrible. No, that's not the right way to say it. it IS terrible. Every moment of every day, I think of him. I think of him, and I miss him, and I know that I can never see him again. Have you ever felt that pain? It isn't a clean, sharp, healable pain. It the dull pain of mistakes. Of words that should have been said, and words that should never have even been thought. The pain of remorse, grief, what-ifs, and longing.
I had thought that I loved Shiori. I was wrong. All my life I have been attracted to things that are bad for me. I suppose that is why I didn't love him at first. But I was drawn to him. Slowly and inescapably, my life started to revolve around him. What Ruka said was right, but I couldn't let myself believe it. I had had my fixation with Shiori for so long that it seemed impossible to give up. It was impossible that I had stopped loving her. It was unthinkable that she no longer attracted me. It was unbelievable that I only thought of her as a friend. But, after they split up, it was true.
I had hated the fact that they were dating. It tore at my heart every day, before I fell asleep I would inevitably see a picture of them, kissing and walking together. It wasn't until after he broke up with her that I realized that the face I saw most often in my dreams was his. That the voice that I could hear no matter how loud the room was, was his. Ruka's. We dueled. I wanted to lose. Not really, consciously, wanted to lose, but deep within me, I was thinking, 'Would it be so bad to serve Ruka? To be with him always? To be his alone?' My answer was no. I lost. It is impossible to win a fight if you do not want to be the victor.
Of our other duel I will not say much. We fought Utena Tenjou. We lost. We lost because I finally faced my feelings. The pain of realizing my true emotions made my heart stop for a moment. In that moment, I realized everything. In that one, monumental, enlightening moment, I realized that I didn't need to duel. Neither of us did. Afterwards, when I was crying, he cried with me. And then he left. But before he left, he put a not in my pocket and kissed me again. Then his face crumpled, and he walked away. That was the last time that I ever laid eyes on Tsuchiya Ruka.
The next day, I went to his room. I had lain awake all night thinking and was ready to tell him everything. This may sound cliché, but I have never been a very open person. This to me was far more intimate than a kiss. I was rather dismayed I was told he was in the hospital. My heart broke when they told me he was dead.
Now, all that is left of him is a few faded pictures and some misty memories. I wish that I had told him everything before he died. I wish there was some way to tell him. To let him know that I would die to bring him back. I think about that sometimes. Dying. Because I know that if there is a heaven, he will be there waiting for me. And he will tell me that everything will be all right. But I haven't the courage. Only regret. The pain keeps me alive. I think that if it ever left, I would be an empty husk.
I dream of him every night. He comes and visits me. He says, "It's all right Juri. Juri, it's all right." Every morning, I wake with tears in my eyes. Every day on the way to work, I stop by the florist and buy a blue rose. I know the florist realizes that I am in love. I see that twinkle in his eye and the bafflement at why I am so sad about it. He doesn't realize that my prince is dead.
Every day, I ache for Ruka. A real, physical ache, as well as an emotional one. My stomach contracts and my chest feels hollow. He has stolen my heart and I weep for him. For my angel Tsuchiya Ruka. For all the words that were never said and the embraces that we never shared. If there really are miracles, I would wish that he knew that I loved him. Maybe he did. Maybe that was my miracle. For the nurses say he died with a smile on his face and a rose in his hand. An orange rose.
Oh yes. There was also the note. It was quite simple. This is what it said. Dear Juri,
I love you. I will love you forever. I am sorry that I ever hurt you. I know that you must hate me, so I will be brief. Please, remember me. And remember, I have never in my life wished you ill. Believe Juri. For miracles will come to you.
Attached to that was a quote: 'Come away, Come away, Death, And in sad cypress let me be layed. Fly away, fly away, breath, I am slain by a fair cruel maid. My shroud of white stuck all with yew, O, prepare it! My part of death, no one so true Did share it. A thousand thousand sighs to save, Lay me, O, where Sad true lover never find my grave, To weep there.' SHAKESPEARE
I miss him. I shall die of it some day. But, 'till then, I shall love him. Forever and ever....Amen
(there. That was oddly cathartic to write... I would appreciate reviews, but they aren't really necessary. Since this is a one-shot there definitely won't be any more chapters but I may write a companion Ruka piece. If you like, you can email me at belle-utena@utena.zzn.com)
Shadowed Azure Softer than a Whisper
"Love that comes too late, Like a remorseful pardon slowly carried, To the great sender turns a sour offense, Crying, 'That's good that's gone.'" SHAKESPEARE
It was terrible. No, that's not the right way to say it. it IS terrible. Every moment of every day, I think of him. I think of him, and I miss him, and I know that I can never see him again. Have you ever felt that pain? It isn't a clean, sharp, healable pain. It the dull pain of mistakes. Of words that should have been said, and words that should never have even been thought. The pain of remorse, grief, what-ifs, and longing.
I had thought that I loved Shiori. I was wrong. All my life I have been attracted to things that are bad for me. I suppose that is why I didn't love him at first. But I was drawn to him. Slowly and inescapably, my life started to revolve around him. What Ruka said was right, but I couldn't let myself believe it. I had had my fixation with Shiori for so long that it seemed impossible to give up. It was impossible that I had stopped loving her. It was unthinkable that she no longer attracted me. It was unbelievable that I only thought of her as a friend. But, after they split up, it was true.
I had hated the fact that they were dating. It tore at my heart every day, before I fell asleep I would inevitably see a picture of them, kissing and walking together. It wasn't until after he broke up with her that I realized that the face I saw most often in my dreams was his. That the voice that I could hear no matter how loud the room was, was his. Ruka's. We dueled. I wanted to lose. Not really, consciously, wanted to lose, but deep within me, I was thinking, 'Would it be so bad to serve Ruka? To be with him always? To be his alone?' My answer was no. I lost. It is impossible to win a fight if you do not want to be the victor.
Of our other duel I will not say much. We fought Utena Tenjou. We lost. We lost because I finally faced my feelings. The pain of realizing my true emotions made my heart stop for a moment. In that moment, I realized everything. In that one, monumental, enlightening moment, I realized that I didn't need to duel. Neither of us did. Afterwards, when I was crying, he cried with me. And then he left. But before he left, he put a not in my pocket and kissed me again. Then his face crumpled, and he walked away. That was the last time that I ever laid eyes on Tsuchiya Ruka.
The next day, I went to his room. I had lain awake all night thinking and was ready to tell him everything. This may sound cliché, but I have never been a very open person. This to me was far more intimate than a kiss. I was rather dismayed I was told he was in the hospital. My heart broke when they told me he was dead.
Now, all that is left of him is a few faded pictures and some misty memories. I wish that I had told him everything before he died. I wish there was some way to tell him. To let him know that I would die to bring him back. I think about that sometimes. Dying. Because I know that if there is a heaven, he will be there waiting for me. And he will tell me that everything will be all right. But I haven't the courage. Only regret. The pain keeps me alive. I think that if it ever left, I would be an empty husk.
I dream of him every night. He comes and visits me. He says, "It's all right Juri. Juri, it's all right." Every morning, I wake with tears in my eyes. Every day on the way to work, I stop by the florist and buy a blue rose. I know the florist realizes that I am in love. I see that twinkle in his eye and the bafflement at why I am so sad about it. He doesn't realize that my prince is dead.
Every day, I ache for Ruka. A real, physical ache, as well as an emotional one. My stomach contracts and my chest feels hollow. He has stolen my heart and I weep for him. For my angel Tsuchiya Ruka. For all the words that were never said and the embraces that we never shared. If there really are miracles, I would wish that he knew that I loved him. Maybe he did. Maybe that was my miracle. For the nurses say he died with a smile on his face and a rose in his hand. An orange rose.
Oh yes. There was also the note. It was quite simple. This is what it said. Dear Juri,
I love you. I will love you forever. I am sorry that I ever hurt you. I know that you must hate me, so I will be brief. Please, remember me. And remember, I have never in my life wished you ill. Believe Juri. For miracles will come to you.
Attached to that was a quote: 'Come away, Come away, Death, And in sad cypress let me be layed. Fly away, fly away, breath, I am slain by a fair cruel maid. My shroud of white stuck all with yew, O, prepare it! My part of death, no one so true Did share it. A thousand thousand sighs to save, Lay me, O, where Sad true lover never find my grave, To weep there.' SHAKESPEARE
I miss him. I shall die of it some day. But, 'till then, I shall love him. Forever and ever....Amen
(there. That was oddly cathartic to write... I would appreciate reviews, but they aren't really necessary. Since this is a one-shot there definitely won't be any more chapters but I may write a companion Ruka piece. If you like, you can email me at belle-utena@utena.zzn.com)