Disclaimer: Star Trek is copyright Paramount Pictures, original creator Gene Roddenberry. No copyright infringements are meant and no profit is being made from this story.

Title: Conversations between a Captain and his First Officer

Author: rso

"Hey Spock!"

"Captain. What is it now?"

"That's not very friendly, Spock."

"As we are not friends, I fail to see the issue."

"Sure. Denial. Hah. Let's hear you say that in like, ten years' time."

"This mission is only five years long."

"Well, damn. We'd better make the most of this sweet, sweet time together, Spock! Wanna call me Jim?"

"No."

"Just you wait. The urge will creep up on you. Like a stalking le-matya."

"Captain, what is it you want?"

"A bit of love and attention?"

"Captain. I am waiting."

"But, can't I talk to you without having to want something?"

"That is a statistical impossibility. At the very least, you must want to communicate something to me."

"Okay, true."

"And my preference would be that you do so quickly."

"Why? You're, like, off-duty. Any ensigns you terrify now are on your own time, you know."

"I do not make a habit of terrifying ensigns."

"Um, yeah you do. The new recruits we picked up last starbase practically wet their pants every time you walk past."

"That is highly distasteful. And untrue."

"Nah, man, it's like a skill. Don't sweat it. Means you don't have to worry about them laughing at you behind your back, telling jokes and nudging each other, looking at you like they can barely keep a straight face..."

"Captain?"

"Hm? What?"

"Have you been experiencing... difficulties with any members of the crew?"

"Well. I never wanted to mention it, but- Hey, what's with that look on your face, huh?"

"I find the notion quite... hard to believe."

"Hah. Yeah. You and me both, man."

"Laughing at you, you say?"

"Spock, you are so not helping here."

"I apologise."

"S'alright."

"It is not all right, Captain. This is a serious issue."

"Nah, not really."

"Yes. It is. If you would give me the names of the crewmembers in question, I will bring them up on charges of insubordination. They will not trouble you again."

"Really, Spock?"

"Yes, Captain."

"You would really do that?"

"Certainly."

"Just for me?"

"...I do not quite understand-"

"HA! I knew it!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I knew it! You totally care! You were gonna go off and savage some poor little ensigns just cos you thought they were being rude to little old me! Aren't you a sweetheart, you big bad Vulcan you!"

"Excuse me?"

"That's so nice of you. Thanks, Spock-man. I really appreciate it."

"Captain. Am I to understand that this was an elaborate and outrageously illogical fiction designed to elicit some evidence of feeling from me?"

"What? No, man!"

"That is just as well."

"There's insubordination happening all over the ship."

"Captain. I believed you to be referring to a specific situation."

"Yeah?"

"Then you must report the names to me and I will ensure that you are not subjected to such difficulties again."

"Um. About that."

"Captain?"

"It's not me as such. God. That's outrageously illogical right there."

"But... Then who is it?"

"You can't hazard a guess?"

"No, Captain. I do not feel any desire to guess, or to extend this conversation any longer. I am in deep need of meditation. Who is the officer experiencing insubordination?"

"Chekov, man."

"..."

"Yeah. It's a tough life."

Yes, this is not the original first chapter, which I realised would do better further along in the story. Sorry for any confusion. Original notes stand! This will basically be a dumping ground for the exchanges that imaginary!Kirk and imaginary!Spock have in my head. Don't expect an actual storyline, or plot, or any kind of sense, really.

I am open to suggestions! If you would like Spock and Jim to converse on any subject, just drop me a line and I will see what I can do. =]

-xox-