So, I was listening to the song Are you Satisfied by Marina and The Diamonds, and, well, this was the result. Enjoy!
Regina Mills had been called many things. Control freak, Evil Queen, bitch, villain, and heartless were only an appetizer, really. Looking at her, they all thought that she wanted more. They muttered to themselves when they thought she was gone, about how she would never be satisfied, no matter what happened to her and no matter what she got.
She, personally, had never seen how it was any of their business. Thought it was made even more infuriating by the fact that they were right. She would never have enough, she would never be satisfied, not when her son hated her, Daniel went avenged, and both her parents were rotting in a grave. And really, who could blame her?
Again, though, it wasn't their problem, it was hers, and she had given up on caring about the opinions of the masses a long time ago. So what if she was doing something that was, objectively, wrong? Even if she was doing it for the right reasons, it deserved punishment, because surely she couldn't actually be trying to do something good, right?
Really, she didn't see why everyone was so concerned with what she was doing, instead of what they themselves were doing. Her drinking herself into oblivion was her problem, not theirs. Her not sleeping, her feelings, her magic usage, her need to hide, everything, all of it, was her problem, not theirs, and yet they were sticking their noses into it. Even something so simple as snapping at someone for being an idiot and trying to pry into her personal life, once, only once (And really, she wasn't even being that mean) was enough to see her, once again, vilified.
Not that she cared, of course.
Though, she would admit, seeing that look in Henry's eyes, knowing that she had, once again, failed him, it made all the red spots, and even some of the black ones, in her heart, ache.
Which was why she was standing on her doorstep, trying to find the strength to go and apologize. And then, all at once, she shored up her defenses, put on her steel facade, and blocked out the world. A small glamour (really, she still looked like herself, just not...weak, hardly a big deal) to hide her red and puffy eyes and the dark circles, because she wasn't enough of a fool to give away any more ammunition against her. She changed her stance to make herself feel more confident, more in control, and put on an emotionless mask to hide how much of an internal mess she actually was.
With only a single sigh to give any indication of her actual feelings, she walked briskly down the stairs, her head held high, and her back ramrod straight. Like a queen, like herself, or at least the version of her that everyone else knew, the only Regina Mills they were supposed to know existed. She stepped into the Mercedes with a single, fluid, motion and left the driveway, accelerating perhaps a bit quicker than she was supposed to, though if she were anyone else, nobody would notice.
When someone, she was not quite sure who, they were probably a farmer or similar back in the Enchanted Forest, flipped her off from the sidewalk, she merely smirked and waved, ignoring the whispers in the back of her head giving her suggestions of what to do, reminding her of how good it would feel, of how much she really wants to use magic, to get revenge. She nearly scoffed. While they had driven her insane back in the Enchanted Forest, after nearly three decades of dealing with them but without the ability to use magic, she had gotten quite adept at blocking them out. What had once been a continuous, crippling, pain from disobeying the voices commands had turned into a small itch, annoying, but tolerable.
She continued to drive, putting on her best mask, because everyone knew her car, and everyone would be looking at it, looking for a weakness, a crack in the mask, a rip in the facade she wore so well sometimes she herself forgot that it was fake. After all, if she, according to them, had no satisfaction, why would she allow others to have any because of something she did? They would not damage her, she would not allow them to. Especially seeing as the peasants tended to be horribly unimaginative, continually reusing the same insults, like they will miraculously be mildly effective the second time, even if they were not the first.
Driving had always made her feel better, stronger, and more in control, something which she would be eternally thankful for. For some unknown reason, an evil queen having a panic attack doesn´t inspire the same sort of absolute terror as an evil queen with an insane cackle and a seemingly unbreakable psyche does. Who knew?
All the same, Storybrooke was a small town, so she was at the flat of Snow White, the so-called paragon of goodness and light and hope and all that other rubbish heroes talked about so often (she was not deluding herself, while she could be something besides a villain, she would never be a hero in any sense of the word), and her Charming idiot, who caused her to wonder, every single time he opened his mouth, whether he was more lacking in tact, or in brain cells, quite quickly. Looking at the place, she wondered, not for the first time, why he would live here instead of with her, even if he thought the company was better.
She allowed herself three deep breathes before exiting her vehicle.
Her strides were wide, and she made sure to use proper posture while walking, if only to keep fooling herself for a little while. When she knocked, she made sure it was three, loud, but not obnoxiously so, sharp, taps.
The door was quickly opened by the vaunted savior, the hero of heroes who was, overall, lacking in heroic qualities. Her expression quickly went from bewildered (Regina was almost sure, at this point, that it was her default expression) to icy cold when she saw Regina. Regina herself was very nearly relieved by the fact that Emma could, unlike her parents, use normal human emotions and expressions beyond crying, screaming, smiling happily, and singing Kumbaya, unlike how her parents acted at times.
¨Regina, what do you want" Emma asked, her voice so cold that if Regina was anyone else, she would have shivered. She was very nearly impressed by the chill Emma had managed to put into her voice, not that she´d ever say as much.
Regina took another deep breath, not noticing her glamour flickering, or the fact that Emma´s icy expression was quickly replaced by one of concern.
¨I" she began, pausing for a second to come up with a suitable way of wording her apology, once more not noticing the flickering of her glamour. She was about to begin again, when Emma interjected ¨Are you okay Regina? I mean, besides you using magic to hide something, your whole concealment spell, or whatever the hell it is, isn´t working well for you, which I´m guessing isn´t normal for you?¨
It was as if someone had flicked a switch in Regina. She somehow seemed to make herself appear taller, and her previously emotionless expression morphed into one of rage.
¨How I am feeling is none of your business Miss Swan. I came here to apologize, but as it seems you´re only interested in things that don´t concern you, I should probably go, before you start an entire inquisition" Regina said smoothly, expressing her anger, but not how much she was really seething inside. Didn´t want to have Snow concerned about her daughter´s safety from the big bad evil queen because she lost her temper.
She didn´t even notice the glamour dropping itself completely, too busy counting to ten and trying not to strangle the idiot, which was probably an exercise in futility anyways, but still, she had to at least try to restrain herself. Deciding that coming to apologize was a mistake, she turned to leave, at which point she heard her son´s familiar voice saying ¨Mom? What are you doing here?¨
She turned back around so quickly she nearly broke the laws of motion. Emma, who, thankfully, had an iota more tact than her father, stepped out of the way as Regina walked back into the apartment. ¨I just came here to apologize to Miss Swan for snapping at her yesterday, and we got into a bit of a debate" she said, hoping Henry would accept her words, only, when she looked at him, she saw that he wasn´t paying attention to a thing she was saying, instead looking at her with an expression of shock and of horror.
¨Mom...What´s wrong? You don´t look okay" he said in a small voice, full of fear and unease, and in that moment, she wanted nothing more than to pick him up and wrap him in her arms like she did when he was little.
Still, even with that feeling, she didn´t know what he was talking about. Until, that is, she noticed that she had stopped hearing the ringing sound in her ears that accompanied her glamour spells. ¨Oh, it´s fine Henry. I´ll just put the glamour spell back on when I get back home, and it´ll be like this never happened¨ she told him, not quite realizing what was wrong with that statement, until she saw the reactions of the pair.
Quickly conjuring a mental image of her current appearance, she supposed she could hardly blame them for their shock. Her face was gaunt and seemed hollow. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, with dark circles underneath them from lack of sleep. Her skin was pale and waxen, her normally voluminous and shiny hair was hanging dull and limp, clinging to her neck. She looked every bit the mess that she felt like.
¨This isn´t the first time you´ve done this" Henry said, and though it was a statement and not a question, Regina felt obligated to answer it anyways.
¨No, it is not the first time I have glamoured myself¨ she said plainly, feeling too many conflicting emotions to put any of them into her words.
¨When did you start doing it" Henry asked her, and she knew then and there that no matter how much she would have liked to lie, she would answer truthfully. Still, she looked at Emma, silently asking her to stop him, but she only shook her head, making it clear that she expected an answer as well.
Finally, with an exasperated sigh, she replied ¨I started this a week after the curse broke. My body didn´t deteriorate like this while it was active, so I had no need to do so before then" she said, leaving the rest of her thoughts unsaid.
¨Why did you lie to me? You said you were doing okay¨ Henry asked her, his voice full of that sort of quiet, cold, rage, that terrified you more than any hot, passionate anger ever could.
Even him screaming and yelling at her would be preferable she decided.
¨I didn´t want you to be worried about me. I´m the adult, and you´re the child. I should be worrying about how you´re feeling, and about your safety, not the other way around¨ she replied smoothly.
¨Then have someone else help you! Go back to Archie, or talk to Emma, or something! I know you don´t want me to worry, so stop giving me anything to worry about¨ he said in a matter-of-fact way, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and to him, it probably was. Because to Henry, everything was so easy, and simple, and there was no such thing as a hurt that couldn´t be made better, or a battle that can´t be won.
¨Henry, I know you want it to be that simple, but it isn´t. There are things about magic, and what it does to you that can´t just go away like that. They´re things that no one else is feeling. Not many magic users can even try to resist it...¨ she said starting to trail off.
Once more Emma spoke, and her words shocked Regina. ¨Then show me. Tell me about it. I might not understand, so make me understand.¨
¨I-what¨ Regina said, looking at Emma, at a loss for words.
¨I said to make me understand. I might not get it, but I still want to help you. I want to know what you´re going through. I want to know why. Tell me what needs to be done, and I´ll do it. You´re going to get better Regina, even if I have to spend the rest of my life trying.¨
Those who knew Regina Mills often said that she would never be satisfied, and before today she would have agreed with them quite easily. But maybe, just maybe, this could be enough for her.