Aragorn's Coronation Story

Flags were flying and bands were playing; banjos and guitars and drums were screaming, and people were tipping stands over in their happiness. The Gondor Pizza Stand was doing great business. The Rohan Cotton Candy and Caramel Apples were going fast. Pippin tipped over the Mordor Ice Cream Ltd. stand just as Aragorn was going to buy and twenty-scoop ice cream cone.

Just as Aragorn was about to punch Pippin in the stomach, Gandalf stood up. 'ATTEN-SHUN!' Gandalf yelled.

'Oh, shucks,' said Aragorn. 'But don't imagine that you're going to get out of it yet, Pip. As soon as he's done…'

'Yipe!' shrieked Pippin, and fled for his life.

'I SAID, YOUR ATTEN-SHUN!' shouted Gandalf. 'NOW GIMME IT!'

The crowd quieted down.

'This is the day of the doorbell. Today your King has come back. Now we are going to sing Happy Birthday to him, as he was not here on his birthday. One, two, three, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Aragorn, happy birthday to you! Now again!'

Pippin, standing beside Aragorn, smirked at the King. Then he started singing with the rest. 'Happy birthday to you, you live in the zoo, you look like a monkey, and you SMELL like one, too!'

Aragorn looked at Pippin. 'You submo! You moron! You'll pay for this, you will! I have my sword.'

'And I have my axe,' replied Pippin.

'Don't lie!' shrieked Aragorn. 'You haven't got any axe. You've only got… well, you haven't got anything! Your ol' sword got broke.' Then quietly, he added, 'Just like mine, but mine got fixed. Yours isn't worth it.'

'DON'T RUN DOWN MY SWORD!' shrieked Pippin. 'You—' But he din't finish his sentence, because a hand clamped down on his ear.

'Peregrin Took,' said Gandalf. 'I might have known.' Then he put his hand on Aragorn's shoulder and whispered in his ear. 'Don't look now, but there is an entourage of Elves coming.'

'YIPE!' yelled Aragorn. 'I look awful. What am I going to do?'

'You are going to do as I say. Don't look yet, don't worry about what you look like, and greet them politely. I say this because I know you don't like Elrond. You have reason for that, and so I don't blame you for it, but you must be polite to him, or he'll take Arwen away again. They'll think that you have had an extremely trying day, and that should explain your appearance.'

'Precious, precious, my precious, ohhh my precious!' cried Frodo, leaping into the ring.

'Get out of here,' Gandalf said. 'The King is trying to prepare himself for a thingamabobber.'

'PRECIOUS!'

'Didn't I say to get out of here?'

'YOUCH!' shrieked Aragorn.

'Hey ol' Aragorn, its ol' Gollum!'

'Yeah, I think that I kind of know that,' said Aragorn.

'Let us get out of here as quickly and quietly as we can. But what was so 'ouch?'' asked Gandalf.

'He bit me, Gandalf, and it hurts,' Aragorn whimpered.

'Such is obvious. Come along now,' said Gandalf.

'Come along, my sweet Gollum, and I'll buy you and me some pizza, and we'll have a nice luncheon together.'

Aragorn turned around, for the voice was that of Pippin. He chuckled to himself.

Just as Pippin and Gollum approached the pizza stand, Aragorn ran forwards.

'He, Aragorn, where's you a-going?'

'Oh, ha he ha. Serves you right for pestering me so,' said Aragorn. He shot out his thin leg, and, just as he was tipping over the stand, Aragorn let out a loud shriek of pain. Gollum's recently-sharpened fangs had closed on his outstretched leg.

The shriek was badly timed, for just at that moment, the entourage of Elves came up. He gave another loud shriek, this time not of pain, but of embarrassment. As far as he could tell, the only Elves he could see were Elrond and Arwen of the House of Elrond, Celeborn and Galadriel of Lorien, Glorfindel of the House of Elrond, Gildor Inglorien, Erestor, a chief of the Elves, and Galdor of the Grey Havens.

'What is the meaning of this?' Elrond asked.

'We came to see to see Aragorn's coronation, not to hear his loud screams of pain,' Celeborn added. 'Nice show, ain't it, Glorfindel?'

'Oh, yes, hysterically funny,' said Glorfindel.

'Oh, I am awfully sorry, I'm sure,' Aragorn muttered.

'Insolent boy!' shrieked Elrond.

'Ohhh, come one, Elrond, this is funny! You need not get so angry,' leered Galadriel.

'I shall get angry if I want. HE IS INSOLENT! PERIOD!' bellowed Elrond. 'What's so funny?' he snapped then, for Gildor and Glorfindel, Ersetor, Galdor and Arwen were laughing themselves sick.

'Oh, absolutely nothing. We were just thinking of something hysterically funny.' So saying, they simply laughed all the more. Elrond just gave up on them.

'Please, dear Father, I love him so, and you are going to make him cry,' said Arwen pleadingly. For indeed, tears had gathered I Aragorn's eyes. Elrond looked like a bull, ready to charge the King of Gondor.

Aragorn fell at Elrond's feet, and begged, 'Oh, please, dear Elrond, don't get mad at me, and if you don't, I'll serve you a while tray of pizza! If you don't, I shall serve you the whole stand of pizza, oh, pleeeeease, Elrond!'

'We-ell, alright. But only this once,' he said as Aragorn got up and rushed towards the pizza stand, which by now had been stood up again.

'Hello! I would like all the pizzas, if you please. And even if you don't.'

'WHAT? All of them?' inquired the surprised pizza vender.

'Yup! Now start making them.'

'Er, what do you want on them?'

'Oh, I will go and ask him that,' Aragorn said.

'Him? Aren't they for you?' asked the vender.

'No, they are for someone else over there.'

'Gracious goodness, Sire, but I can't have that.'

'Well, you will just have to, so there.' Aragorn trotted off with a huge grin plastered on his face. He came to Elrond. 'Master Elrond, what would you like to have on your pizzas?'

Elrond answered, 'Pepperoni, togu, sausage, Orc-meat, and me-meat. Yum-yum!' He licked his chops.

'Sure!' Aragorn pattered back to the pizza stand. 'The young man wants er… pepperoni, tofu, sausage, Orc-meat, and him-meat.'

'Alright, that's a big order,' the cook said.

'That is just why he wants it. Because he is a glutton and a gormandizer,' said Aragorn gleefully, not considering the possibilities if Elrond had happened to come up behind him at that moment.

Aragorn capered back to the Elf. 'I ordered your meals.'

'Meals?' asked Elrond.

'Sure thing, doc. What would you call all those pizzas other than meals?'

'Oh, I get you now,' Elrond cried. 'Ho he ho! You are extremely funny,' said Elrond.

Aragorn skipped back to the pizza stand. 'Are all the pizzas done yet?' he asked.

'Almost,' the cook answered.

'Well, that's good enough. Now gimme them!' ordered Aragorn.

'But your Majesty, the young man shall be poisoned,' said the poor cook.

'Doesn't matter. He's too hungry to care if he is going to be poisoned and die.'

'But he is an Elf, isn't he?' asked the cook.

'Yes,' said Aragorn. 'But it is kind of obvious that the alive pal is not dead yet.'

'Well, I do not wany anyone dying here,' said the cook. 'I am allergic to dead people. In any case, that Orc is dead, too.'

'It is my coronation party, and I will have anyone I want die at my party. Doesn't matter if you are allergic. Anyways, he can't die,' snapped Aragorn testily.

'You are seriously nasty, Sire, if you will forgive my saying so,' quavered he poor pizza vender.

'Well, I will not forgive you. Men, come and throw him out!'

'But, Sire, then I cannot finish your order for the lord that you are ordering those pizzas for!' shrieked the vender.

'I can finish them for you. Chuck, wish once more and die!' cried Aragorn.

The vender began to cry big tears of grief and rage.

'So that is your wish, buddy bear? Well, now you can die.' The men came forward to spear that man dead. And then, true to his word, Aragorn went behind the pizza stand, and FINISHED THOSE PIZZAS DONE.

The End