Disclaimer: I do not own the Final Fantasy characters.
AN: I won't be doing much of these because I don't want to have to explain. I want to write more until I get it right. As this is my first fanfic please don't expect perfection. Instead please tell me all that you like about each chapter. R&R! I would like to have feedback, it makes writing so much easier. Thanks in advance, I trust all of you! If you do have a question please comment, and I'll try to get it answered in the next chapter.

10 years.

10 years ago I never expected myself to be where I am. I thought my daddy had done it. I thought that he had killed Sin. I thought he had done it to bring peace to us, so we could have together forever. So there would be no more fear.

10 years ago that was what I thought. It broke my heart to learn that he would never be coming home. I cried myself to sleep that night. My young life was shattered and I knew no happiness. I was an orphan. Almost friendless.

Kimahri was my only friend then. He is on the outside what I am on the inside. Silent... impassive. I hurt so much of the time. I don't want to feel it anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Because... Sin returned recently. And it's all so painful.

It breaks my heart to think my father died and Sin came back. Sin wasn't supposed to come back. I thought daddy would come back and we would be happy forever. We were all supposed to have happy, peaceful lives. We were all supposed to be able to live life without fear, to live life in happiness.

Everyone, but me that is. I lost everything. No one understands the pain. Wakka, Lulu, Kimarhi, the priests, nobody. I want it to end. I want to feel happy for once. My father always taught me that giving is what causes true happiness. Maybe that's why he became a summoner. I wish I could feel happy but I feel like a big bag of emotions. A fortune card that always shows sadness. Everytime I try to put my finger on what I'm feeling I just end up feeling sad. Sad for myself, sad for other people, sad that Sin returned. Sad that there is only one way.

If giving really is the way to feel happy then I'm willing. I know that when I give a smile to anyone, even a stranger, it helps them feel happier. Like they want to smile too. When I see them happier, I'm happier. I like helping others. That's why I am a healer. I've spent so much of my life learning how to help others, to lessen their burdens. I don't like asking other people to help me. It feels... awkward. I feel like an adult sitting a child down and asking them to behave more like an adult. More like me. I tried with my friends. Asked them to just listen to me. They could for a time. But then came the lecturing, the you shoulds, all invalidating. It's like I'm the only one who knows how to listen. To truly listen with love. Like I'm the only adult, and everyone else is a child. I tried and tried but I can't force people to grow. So I stopped trying. It's like trying to force a tree to grow. It can't work. Not because of any fault of the tree or me. Some things, are just incompatible.

I suppose that my happiness is one.

I feel so alone. When I was younger I think I tried talking to everyone in the village at one point. Just trying to get someone to listen. The elders in the village are good at listening. They take their turn listening, but then they tell me what I should do, how I should feel. Like they know better than me what kind of pain I'm in. That hurts.

All I'm asking is for someone to listen. Stop lecturing, stop preaching, stop all of it! Why can't someone, anyone, JUST LISTEN TO ME!?

The middle aged people are just like the elders, but with less formality. Those around my age could never understand me, they were children when the calm began. I've been through so much pain. I've lost my world. My Father. My Mother. I'm one of a kind. Alone. The only High Summoner's daughter. An orphan. And these people haven't lost enough to know what pain is. No, there is no one, I'm alone. I can only lean on myself.

Thinking back I came to realize this years ago. I stopped trusting people with everything about myself. If they can't listen to something simple like why I like the moon and why I think it looks beautiful shining on the ocean at night, how could they ever listen to why I'm in so much pain. Nobody out there even knows what I call the 'Silver Pathway'. My life was so full of hurt and mistrust. I found consolation in the teachings of Yevon. My faith became my staff, my hope, my light.

So I undertook the task of becoming a summoner. That's all I know, the life of sacrifice. And... the thought of bringing happiness to everyone warms my heart. This is my source of joy. I know will be incredibly difficult, and what my father did proves that. He gave his life for Spira, for me. He loved me so much, and now what is that love good for? Sin's back, and he can't listen to me ever again. I'm furious that Sin came back. Will there ever be an end? I want it to end, so that everyone can be happy. I wish I could be happy too, but...

some things are...

just incompatible.

Sacrifice is the only way. I don't mind it. Perhaps I'll be the one who stops Sin for good. Perhaps we will know we are forgiven when Sin is defeated and doesn't come back. I'll never live to find out what happens, but even 10 years is...

Well 10 years is enough for the children alive today to grow up with their parents. I think my pilgrimage will be for those children. So no more parents have to die. So no one else has to end up like... me.

When I became an apprentice summoner I don't remember why I did. It may have been something to do with my faith, my loneliness, my desire to love others. I don't remember. Maybe I didn't even have a reason. Maybe I did it because it was my duty.

I had the talent. And now I have the responsibility.

So much responsibility for others' lives. At least now I have purpose behind that responsibility. Now I really have something to help me push on. Before the challenge helped me cope. I couldn't think and couldn't feel if I was so busy. I couldn't remember all the emptiness and loneliness if I was exhausted.

But now I have purpose and meaning in life. When I am ready, I will be tested. And then my journey will truly begin. I plan on becoming high summoner. I wish I could defeat Sin, once and for all, and bring about a permanent calm. A world without all that pain. Yes, that would make it all worth it. To truly defeat Sin, not just for a period. But that can't happen, unless we all repent of our sins.

I'm furious at the thought. The thought of Sin killing so many people, and at the thought of people who sinned enough to bring punishment on us. That's why I'll become High Summoner.

Thinking back on that day, well, there was nothing special about it. No special force telling me that this was right, wrong, or anything at all. My life was just continuing in what was my duty.

"Lulu, Kimarhi, Wakka I've decided to become a summoner." I told them without tears in my eyes. Without warmth in my heart. The words just came out of my mouth.

I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I remember the pain in their eyes. Lulu and Wakka weren't my guardians then. I remember Lulu and Wakka asking me if that was what I really wanted to do. They tried to dissuade me in the beginning, but when they understood I wouldn't be moved, they accepted my choice. Kimarhi said nothing, I don't know what he was thinking. I imagine it was some sad thought, but he didn't speak out. I hope I didn't hurt him. Having almost raised me I suppose he felt something like fatherly emotions towards me. And as my guardian he wants me safe, but at the same time, here he was, willing to help me become a summoner. I greatly appreciate him, even though I am wondering at times what really goes on in his head. I wish he would speak. I wonder if something tragic happened in his life, maybe that's why he's like that. Maybe he just gave up on speaking.

I still remember the training that came shortly after that. Learning about summoning. Learning about white magic. What brings life and healing to people. Thinking of the joy I can bring to other people makes me happy. The lives I can save! The people I can bless! But that means there has to be pain first. I don't want people to be in pain, not any more than they have to.

"Without pain there is no joy." I remember my Father telling me once. Well, I think I remember, but truly I just have a letter he wrote to me. He used to always write me little notes. He was so open and affectionate with me. I know he loved me. That's why it hurts so intensely. Having someone who loved me, in all the ways I felt love, ripped from my life, never to return.

I begin crying my heart out. Big, painful, hot, searing tears. I'm not silent about it, but I still don't want to be heard. I'm crying at the thought of never hearing his voice again. Never seeing him again. He'll never hold me again. I cry for all the moments I thought we were going to spend together.

After some time I stop my weeping. I can't do this in front of other people. I need to be strong in front of them. I need to be their example and their hope. I need to be able to comfort and lift them, I can't do it if I'm in shambles.

I decide right then I need to fake it 'til I make it. I practice my smile. I stand up and walk to the mirror. Looking back at me my smile seems good. "This is for you daddy." I think as I look into that mirror, holding back my tears. I'm ready.

The day for me to pray had finally come.