July 28th, 2011

Dear Diary,

I hate admitting this.

I hate even thinking about this.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't be thinking about him…

…

I, I think I'm falling for Damon.

Actually, I know I am.

I am a terrible person.

Stefan is out there, somewhere, and I want to find him. I just want to be in his arms again, where I feel safe. No matter what I feel, I swear to god I will never cheat on him. I love Stefan so much. That's what I've been waiting on all summer, is for Stefan to come home. I just want to know that he's alive.

Stefan…

I should be thinking about Stefan, goddamnit! And I do think about him, constantly.

I want him back.

I need him back.

but then I remember how Damon brushes past me.

It feels like he's lighting my skin on fire

…In a good way.

God, this sounds so fucking weird.

I don't even know anymore..

Anyway

Bonnie keeps teasing me about our "relationship." It really amazes me how she can be so, so …how do I explain this?

I hate that I can't find words to explain anything anymore.

GOD!

Okay, She's just being sort of fun and…idk, nonchalant (that's the word!) about everything, even though I know she's worried about it.

Caroline's starting to catch on, too.

I hate this. I, just, don't want to lose my friends respect, honestly.

I can't even believe I'm being this honest with myself right now.

Okay then.

I just, …wow. I really, really hate this. I don't even want to write it down. It would be so easy for someone to come in and just open up my journal. It doesn't even have a lock on it.

God damn it, this is dangerous.

But I need to tell someone.

Okay.
so, here we go:

Oh, god. When I get around Damon, he just…he…
He makes me feel like having fun again.
And,... I know there is something between us, physically
or, at least, there could be.
Every time he get's too close, honestly, I start to lose my mind.
Pictures of his hands on my waist, and his hot mouth on my neck start rising to the surface of my mind, and, in that second, I don't want it to stop.
And sometimes, the sight of his lips catches me so off guard. I lose myself. I lose where I am, and I just want to lean forward, and feel his lips…

God!

What am I doing to myself?

I can't be doing this. I can't be thinking about this.

It's just some little crush, right? It will go away soon.

Maybe I just miss sex.

I just miss Stefan, that's it. That's why I'm feeling like this.

He'll come home, and I'll be in his arms and forget all about his tall, dark, handsome infuriating brother.

That's all.

…

If anyone ever saw this I think I would die. If Damon ever saw it..

Uhh. He would get so fucking arrogant and… Uhh!

No.

That can never happen.

...

I hate that.

I hate that I'm starting to love?! his arrogant little smirk. I get so damn angry when he does that.
It INFURIATES me.

And I love it.
I love how he infuriates me.

I hate this.

I really, really hate this.

No. I'm not thinking about this anymore.

I'm so done.

Good night.