Azula had a lot of regrets, so many of them. It's just that she chose not to wear them so plainly for everyone to see. That's probably why people were so fond of telling her that she has no conscience. But she did, and oftentimes she found that it ached very badly. It pained her the most when she thought of Mai and TyLee.
Even after her release, she was mostly alone. She kept to herself and people kept away from her. It left her with plenty of time to get back into the routine of firebeding. To hone her skills and build them back up to what they used to be.
When she wasn't practicing her bending, she mostly lie in bed staring a the ceiling or gazing out the window, waiting for her chance to do something important. None wanted to come, she was far past her prime and she was still just a girl. A girl with no friends and no love. More than once, lacking most social grace, she tried to spark conversation with Mai and TyLee but they still wanted little to do with her. And each rejection stung a little more than the one before it, ignited a new sense of hopelessness. It also brought on a sense of rage, how dare they defy her? How dare they hate her so when she'd done so much for them. When she'd taken them from their humble lives and made them extraordinary. Yet the angrier she grew the more distant they a became.
She hated fetching supper because she would always run into them. Mai always had something to say and if she said anything back it would be her up against all of the Avatar and his friends, Zuko included. She found that she no longer had the energy for that kind of fight. She was mostly just tired. Tired and miserable and with no one to console her. That may have been what made it so easy to throw herself literally into the fire.
Azula didn't particularly want to hurt herself but when Ozai sent leagues of traitors to storm the castle she took it upon herself to clear them out. It was a way to let out mental anguish that doubled as one last desperate snatch for the glory she once had. Maybe if she could protect the palace, it would prove to everyone that she wasn't some lunatic as they all liked to think. That she was still her. It was the first time she'd truly fought alongside the Avatar and her brother without some second scheme. TyLee was struggling though, she was quick and effective but numbers had her overwhelmed. Azula could only do so much while fending off her own attackers. One crackling bolt had a single combatant down, but TyLee was very much in the line of fire. It was more like a wave of it really. Her next action was also duel in motivation; it was some sort of twisted way of punishing herself for what she'd let herself be reduced to and also another despairing plea. If she took the hit for TyLee, the girl might give her another chance.
She hadn't expected it to hurt so dreadfully.
With such little time and such an awkward angle she fended off much less flame than she had anticipated. The wave hit her full on with a force that sent her colliding with the floor and tumbling a few feet from the initial contact point. And the fire was still licking her with so much greed, scorching every inch of skin it could find. It started with her midsection and worked its way down and up all at once. Up until it was at her chest on the left, but not yet the right. And down until it reached her hip. The waterbender didn't smother the fire soon enough, she hadn't even noticed until Azula was tormented enough to let go of her façade. She hadn't meant to cry out so loud, but it had been absolutely ear-splitting.
She knew that they didn't care for her. She was surprised that they answered her scream at all. No one moved in to comfort her as she lie withering. They all looked hesitant and fearful. What did they think she could possibly do in such a state. Even so they let her tremble and twist in pain. She wanted to pass out but she feared that if she did, she wouldn't wake, so she forced herself to stay awake. As she sobbed to herself, she didn't hear one whisper of praise, she didn't even get a thank you.
.oOo.
For a while everything hurt. It hurt to move, and sometimes it hurt her to breathe. Still no one cared for her, no one visited. A week at least, and not a soul, save for Katara but only to offer some half-hearted healing. And so it was that saving TyLee became one of her regrets. A regret that she would be forced to wear visibly as a scar that spanned the length of her torso and then some. It didn't matter which side she rolled onto or if she rolled on to her back or stomach—each was charred just as savagely. She supposed that her left side had taken the worst of it. She couldn't call what she'd done crying per say, but her eyes were not dry and her breaths were shaky. She was suffering terribly and alone in it. She thought to pry herself from the bed but the burns kept her down and staring at the ceiling begging the pain to let up just enough for her to be able to sleep.
.oOo.
Even with her eyes shut. Even when she cried, pained cries, in her sleep. Even in such a seemingly pathetic state, Azula scared TyLee. She shouldn't have, not when she was in such distress, in need of such help. But she still did. The fear was almost instinctual at that point and was what had her keeping her distance for so long after the princess had taken the blow. Slowly and quietly, TyLee crept over to the princess' side. She took Azula's hand, the one that wasn't burned. She noticed that Azula was trembling, probably with the pain. She'd always seen Azula as a fighter, a soldier. But until then she'd never seen her bare any of the scars of a soldier.
A very sharp, almost hissing breath, told TyLee that the Azula was finally awake. Perhaps too soon, TyLee took a glass from the coffee table and offered it to the princess. Azula forced herself up, a motion that TyLee noticed, seemed to be taking much strain. The girl's face contorted with every motion. "Take it easy." TyLee spoke softly. The firebender was breathing hard by the time she managed to sit up, her eyes shut so tightly that TyLee thought that she was hurting herself. When she opened her eyes, TyLee offered her the glass again. Hesitantly Azula accepted and brought the cup to her lips. "Better?"
"Not at all." Azula winced. Through her apparent agony, she looked so furious. TyLee scooted back some, towards the foot of the bed. The princess was probably angry with her for not visiting sooner, for breaking off their friendship in the first place. She could see it in those blazing eyes that she wanted her to leave. So TyLee crept towards the door. "No." Azula muttered softly, her face seeming to fall, "no, don't leave me again." And then something so quiet that TyLee couldn't hear. She was no good at reading lips but she imagined that it was something along the lines of, "I don't want to be alone."
So with just as much reluctance, TyLee neared Azula once again.
"I didn't have to do it, you know." Azula muttered. "I didn't have to be here…I could have let them burn you…"
"I know." TyLee frowned. "But you didn't. You…you saved me?" She didn't know exactly what she was asking with that. Perhaps she was seeking confirmation. "Thank you." Azula's face softened at least a little so TyLee chanced taking her hand. She didn't jerk away, so that was a good sign. "Why did you do it? You hate me."
"I don't hate you." Azula replied. It took her a few minutes to come out with it, but in the same hushed way that she had admitted to being jealous on Ember Island, she confessed, "I didn't want you to hate me." Just like that, the princess seemed to crumble before her and TyLee struggled to stop it. She wanted to wrap her arms around her, but that would only hurt her. But she didn't know how to comfort the other girl without holding her close.
"I never hated you, I don't think." TyLee sputtered. She didn't, did she? She was just afraid, she wanted to like Azula but…
"Then why did you leave me?"
"You were going to hurt Mai. I couldn't let you hurt Mai, I liked her too."
"You like her more." Azula dropped back onto the mattress with a thud that made TyLee cringe. She could see it on the girl's face that it had hurt to fall back so abruptly. She couldn't imagine Azula being so careless, so the gesture must have been done with a purpose.
"I like both of you, I just helped Mai because you're stronger than her."
The nature of Azula's chuckle wasn't something TyLee could decipher easily. It sounded bitter and genuine at once.
"I didn't want you to hurt her." TyLee added lamely. "I don't hate you, you frighten me."
"Well you won't have to worry about that anymore." Azula spat, motioning to her maimed body. "Nothing to be scared of." She rolled onto her right side.
"You're going to be better in no time." TyLee assured.
"Then you better leave while you still can."
"I'm not going to leave you."
.oOo.
She should stop being so difficult, so unkind. Especially since she'd been brooding over how lonely she was, complaining that TyLee was resenting her. Yet she couldn't dull the edge to her tongue. So she remained quiet. If she didn't talk she couldn't shatter the very delicate surface they were walking on. "Unless you want me too…" TyLee added.
"I don't want you to." She answered simply. She trusted herself that much.
"You're mad at me?"
For once, Azula didn't know how to answer. She was, she'd never been angrier at a person. But she had the awareness to know that it stemmed from sorrow. She was mad that TyLee was just one more person who chose someone else over her. Frustrated that she seemed to be no one's first choice despite having so much power and wealth to offer. Despite how she used to be at least fairly attractive. So Azula kept her silence as a new sort of hurt tied her belly in knots. She wanted to go back to sleep, to not think about things for a change.
"You are mad." Her voice dropped.
"Yes." Azula answered honestly, she didn't have it in her to elaborate, that would eat away too much of what little pride she had left. "But I might not be if you stay with me."
"I said that I would." TyLee smiled. "Here, sit up and let me change your bandages."
The nurses hadn't been around to do so yet, but Azula didn't particularly wish to sit up again though. She also didn't fancy an infection so with a breath taken in anticipation, she pushed herself up again. She was embarrassed to have shown so much pain that a flash of sympathy crossed TyLee's face. The girl unraveled the bandages with careful fingers. Too late, Azula recalled that the burns ran all the way up to her chest on the left side. Her face flushed, this was the most intimate she'd ever been. TyLee pursed her lips as she worked. Azula could see her eyes taking in the wounds that ruined her once flawless skin. It left her feeling raw and exposed, uneasy even. She wasn't used to that kind of scrutiny, for so long that seemed like something reserved for only Zuko. "Thank you," TyLee repeated. "I don't think that I would be able to handle something like this, I'm not as strong as you."
"Strong…" Azula repeated. She liked the taste of it on her lips, liked the idea that someone still thought so. "I suppose you are too, in your own way." She had to be to deal with someone like her, to leave someone like her, and then come back to someone like her on her own terms.
TyLee smiled as she grabbed a rag and a vile. Azula cringed, she hated this part. Flinching was reflexive no matter how hard she tried to hold back. "Sorry." She winced, at Azula's sudden movement, but the princess waved at her to continue. She dabbed the cloth as gently as she could along the princess' stomach and sides and then repeated that over her back and left arm. "Do you want to do the rest?"
Azula took a fresh towel and cleansed her chest. She set it aside and waited for TyLee to bind her up once more. The acrobat did so with the same tenderness as before. Azula decided that she liked her much more than the nurses who roughly dressed the wounds without any regard for her beyond the very basic, 'the princess can't die on my watch' mentality. "There, perfect." TyLee commented, patting Azula's shoulder in place of the bandages.
"Far from." Azula frowned.
"You're perfect to me." TyLee squeezed her hand. "A little scary, but perfect."
Azula furrowed her brows, "TyLee that makes no sense. I can't be prefect and have a flaw at the same time." She had to admit that she missed the girl's air-headed comments. They were light and innocent. A break from her own stern mannerisms. A break she very much needed, no wonder she was in such a poor state when the girl left.
TyLee tapped her chin. "Hmmm…I guess you're right. But I still like you anyways." A reassuring thought. She cupped her hand against Azula's cheek. Azula put her own hand over it. It felt nice to feel a kind touch for a change. She couldn't remember the last time anyone had given her one. She thought that it must have been on Ember Island when TyLee was trying to teach her to flirt. Even then she hadn't allowed the girl much contact so it might have been when she'd first re-encountered TyLee. When TyLee had pulled her into a hug that she wasn't quite expecting. If she really put some thought into it, TyLee was the only person who ever really treated her with that kind of affection. TyLee was the only person she was comfortable letting get that close. Once upon a time, Mai was almost there as well. She supposed that, that was a relationship to rekindle at another time. If it didn't hurt her so, Azula might have let the acrobat hug her again. Instead she settled for letting the girl brush her cheek. Eventually she pulled her hand away, "you should lay back down and rest."
"It's hard to rest when you're covered in burns."
"At least try for me while I get you something to eat?"
"I suppose I can." Azula sighed, "I do too much for you."
"Because resting is so hard."
"When did you learn to be so sarcastic?"
"I listened to you talk." TyLee answered, helping Azula to get herself comfortable. As much as she could be anyhow. "I won't be gone long." She promised.
Azula sunk her head into the pillow and toyed with the bandages, she could so vividly recrate the blisters and burn marks beneath in her mind. She didn't even want to know what the texture of her skin would be like later on. Didn't want to know how it would feel beneath her fingers. She didn't even want to remove the bandages and look at them. But at least they weren't for nothing as she had first thought. She had a goal and like every other goal she had, she'd achieved it.
She'd finally proved that she did care about TyLee, even if she had trouble expressing such. She proved it to TyLee and she proved it to herself.
With any luck she would learn to convey her care…
With any luck she would find the strength that TyLee seemed to admire, to tell the girl that she loved her and that, that was why her departure left her so incensed.
For the time, she would be content with her re-attained companionship.