This story was obviously insprired by Clara's remark in "Magician's Apprentice" where she says Jane Austen is a good kisser. I couldnt put it out of my head so I wrote my take on it :) Enjoy!
Clara never could place when it started or who started it. With memories of light brushes against hands that continued to linger longer and longer, looks from across the room that made Clara's toes tingle and the simple fact that Jane could just be so bloody charming, Clara wanted to say that it was Jane who started it. But really Clara knew that she was partially guilty too and even if Jane started it, it was Clara who had finished it.
Clara wasn't going to let it happen; she wasn't going to get attached. When the Doctor had suggested they come to this time and place, Clara had been excited at the idea of meeting the woman who had so successfully spun novels that lasted as classics for generations; she was one of Clara's favorite authors hands down. But as was often the case with the Doctor, he'd gotten the time slightly wrong. Clara didn't meet Jane the author but met Jane the girl, twenty one and green about so many things but wise beyond her years in other things. Clara and Jane had met at a ball, the first of many and the chemistry was instant.
Clara knew that she liked Jane; it was undeniable the tremble of excitement that ran through her at every touch, the anticipation that she felt every time she saw her enter the room. But Clara was just as sure that Jane didn't like her, at least not like that, and if even if she did it wasn't something she was likely to acknowledge. Jane lived in a time where such things weren't accepted and since Clara wasn't planning on staying long, she didn't want to overcomplicate things for her. When Clara began to notice the pointed looks and the touches that started to seem more intentional than accidental, she began to wonder and hope slightly that maybe she could have something that she knew she shouldn't be allowed to have.
Clara dreaded the day she had to tell Jane that she and the Doctor were leaving. She put it off as long as possible and even then she took the coward's way out by telling her in the crowded ballroom. Even though she was nervous she still hadn't expected the reaction she had gotten. She hadn't expected the wide eyes that stared back at her and the lips that began to tremble; she hadn't expected the tears that gathered in her eyes and began to run down her face before she fled the room without a word. Clara hadn't expected her to care that much.
Clara's heart was in her throat as she left the ballroom and found Jane down the hallway, standing in a doorway crying softly. Her hand was pressed against her mouth to stifle the sound and her back was to Clara but it was obvious to Clara that she was sobbing and it made Clara feel that this was going to be even harder than she had imagined.
When Clara pushed past Jane, grabbing her hand and leading her into the empty room behind the door she had been leaning on, Jane didn't fight it though she continued to cry. Clara felt that Jane deserved a proper goodbye; she deserved for Clara to tell her how she had really felt and how hard it was to leave and she couldn't do that in the hallway in full view of so many prying eyes.
Moonlight spilled into the long neglected bedroom through a huge window that showed the view of the garden outside.
"You can't go" Jane said. She whispered it in the quiet of the room, as if she couldn't believe it to be true. She rubbed at her tearing eyes until Clara took her hands in her own and forced them away from her face. She could fully see the tears and the sadness now and it hurt. Clara tried to focus on how nice Jane's hands felt in her own.
"I don't want to; I wish I could stay here with you" Clara said earnestly, squeezing Jane's hands. She couldn't tell her; couldn't tell Jane what pulled her away from her was worlds and other galaxies and times that needed saving. She wished that she could; maybe it might hurt a little bit less if she knew why she had to give this up.
"Is there no one that you could stay with? Maybe until your father returned?" Jane asked hopefully. She looked so young, so vulnerable that it broke Clara's heart.
The Doctor would kill Clara if he knew that Clara had passed him off as her dad but she needed an excuse and that was the best one she could come up with. It would have been odd if she hadn't explained who he was in this day and time.
"No…he means to move permanently. I can't argue with him" Clara said, hating that she had to lie and hating even more that Jane started to weep again after she said it.
Clara felt a lump gathering in her own throat and she couldn't have that; if she wasn't at least a little strong through this, it would all come down on them. Clara gripped Jane's face in both of her hands and forced Jane to look at her.
"You break my heart when you cry like this" Clara said as she ran her thumbs along her cheeks, brushing away tears. She tried to give Jane a smile, as if it was a joke but they both knew it wasn't and it wasn't funny either.
"It's only because you are taking my heart away" Jane said, her voice cracking with emotion, so honest and open. It was what gave Clara the courage to move forward.
Clara pressed her forehead against Jane's, soaking in the feel of her skin on her own. Clara could hear the faintest sound of a sigh come from Jane and Clara could mirror the sentiment; it was the closest they had ever been. Clara's heart was beating fast in her chest as she chanced to move her hands away and press her lips against Jane's face. She was cautious at first, worried she'd push her away as she pressed her lips ever so gently against the path her tears had taken down her face. Clara tasted salt on her tongue and it had never been so welcome a taste; when the path of her tears led Clara down away from her eyes and to her lips, Clara took a chance again and moved in.
Clara had held herself back from all of the kisses she had wanted to give, from all of the touches that she wanted to have that would have complicated her friendship with Jane beyond a point of no return solely for Jane's benefit. But now Clara felt a surge of selfishness in her; she wanted to kiss Jane even if it was just this once. She just wanted to at least be able to do it once because even if it ruined it all, she was leaving tomorrow and that realization was making her heart sick with need.
Jane's lips were soft, so soft and smooth Clara just pressed against them for a moment without moving, relishing simply in their warm silkiness. Her heart was skipping in her chest as she reached a tentative hand up to touch Jane's cheek, pressing her lips a little harder against Jane's.
Jane didn't move; her lips didn't respond to the kiss. Clara had a moment to process that before Jane gasped and pushed Clara gently away. Clara felt the loss hit her stomach like a stone, dreading the inevitable rejection that she was sure to get. Clara wasn't exactly used to rejection but it wasn't like it was foreign to her either; this was just likely to be so much more painful because she could almost see the disgust on Jane's face before she opened her eyes. Had she really misread all of those looks and touches? Clara didn't think it was likely but she must have.
But when Clara opened her eyes and looked at Jane she didn't see disgust or horror on her face at Clara's actions. Jane had moved a few feet away, her hand pressed over her mouth, eyes wide. Clara waited for Jane to speak in the quiet of the room, to be the one to break the silence but Clara was dying of suspense, wondering if the surprise on Jane's face was a good thing or not.
"I thought it was just me" Jane said, bringing her hand away from her mouth. Her voice shook slightly, afraid of the realization. How frightening it must have been for her in a time when her feelings would have been looked on as one of the greatest debaucheries she could commit?
Relief flooded through Clara at the realization that she wasn't about to be completely rejected. "No, I felt it too. I was too afraid to say anything; even more afraid to do anything about it" Clara admitted. She stayed where she was, waiting for Jane to move first though she wanted nothing more now than to sweep her into her arms.
Jane paused a long time, torn between smiling and a gaping mouth of disbelief on her face. "Really?" she asked. She moved slowly toward Clara and Clara felt her pulse thundering in anticipation.
"Really" she said, a slight laugh of relief coming out of her mouth. "Of course, Jane. I've loved every day we've spent together. We've talked, laughed, cried…you understand me like I didn't think was possible."
It was true; though Clara had wanted to meet Jane she was still after all of this time surprised at how well they had fit together. This girl from centuries ago who should have had nothing in common with her wove her way into her heart because she was everything that Clara wanted.
"Every day I began to feel more and more for you; more than I thought I could act on" Clara said honestly.
Jane still looked surprised but there was a growing a strange fierceness in her eyes. "I'm afraid" she said, her voice firm, determined and not showing the undercurrent of fear it must have had under it.
"Why?" Clara asked. It was a stupid question; there was really everything to fear. Even in the best of circumstances, Clara was leaving tomorrow and none of their feelings right now really would stop that from happening.
"I want to kiss you again" Jane said, walking slowly toward Clara.
Maybe Clara should have been the voice of reason, the one to stop them but she wasn't. With Jane coming toward her, Clara moved forward to close the distance quicker.
This time, Jane's lips did respond. When Clara pressed her lips against Jane's, Jane's moved fast, hot and biting against her own. There were hands on the back of her head, fingers in her hair and Clara was being kissed deeper and more completely than she could ever remember being kissed. Consumed…..that was the best word for it. Jane's lips nipped and pulled Clara's , as if trying to feel every curve, every inch of them against her own; her tongue moved along Clara's, moving further inside to touch parts no one had ever touched. Clara felt her legs begin to shake and go warm. Weak in the knees…Clara thought of it almost with a smile; it wasn't an easy task to do to make her go weak in the knees.
When they broke away this time, the silence of the room was broken only by their labored breathing. When Clara listened intently, she could hear the sounds of the distant ball, but this place felt so private and sacred. Her forehead rested against Jane's, her breath coming out raggedly, feeling Jane's own breath hot against her face. Her arms wound around Jane's back, pulling Jane flush against herself.
"I don't want to stop" Jane admitted. The words held such weight in the quiet as Clara felt Jane's racing pulse.
"Then don't" Clara said with a smile, her lips brushing against Jane's. She should have remembered; all the reasons to be rational, all the reasons she should stop this but she didn't.
….
They could have been caught at any time and though that should have made them move faster and more rushed, Clara moved slow and took her time. It was their last night, the last time they would see each other and they deserved more.
Clara could see Jane blush in the soft light of the moon as she removed her clothes. Her skin was pale and perfect and so smooth against Clara's fingers that though she wanted more, she found she couldn't stop the simple wandering of her fingers, just touching stomach and arms and back, never lingering but never stopping. Goose bumps popped up along her skin, even in the summer heat and Clara could see her shaking slightly.
"Are you scared?" Clara asked, taking one of Jane's shaking hands in her own.
"Yes" Jane admitted.
"Do you want to stop now?" Clara asked, silently begging the answer not to be yes.
"No" Jane said with a wide smile, her hand becoming more steady.
Clara had never been undressed so slowly or studied so carefully. Guys were always in too much of a hurry and the few times Clara had been with a woman she had been in too much of a hurry. As Clara's dress had fallen to the ground it was hard not to feel nervous. Jane wasn't shaking anymore and she didn't look nervous; she was studying Clara. The fact that she seemed to so much enjoy what she saw was what made Clara relax. Jane gave her a nervous smile, trying and failing to not look awed as she took Clara in. It wasn't a surprise when she nervously admitted, "I've never…."
It hung in the air and could have meant anything but Clara knew it meant many things. She'd never seen another woman like this, she'd never felt this way, she'd never been with anyone…Clara understood it all and it didn't affect how she felt and it didn't surprise her.
"That's okay" Clara said returning her a warm smile. Before more could be said, she moved forward and her lips were on Jane's neck, kissing along it, biting her shoulder, studying the skin with her lips that had been so pleasant to discover with her fingers. She didn't want things to get awkward and she didn't want to have to lie; having a lot of experience wouldn't have been impressive in Jane's time.
It had been so long since Clara had been with a woman that it felt like the first time and Clara hoped that it came off that way. When Clara's lips weren't on Jane's skin they were on her lips again; she didn't kiss like she didn't have experience. Clara still couldn't get over the way her legs shook, the full rush of heat and warmth between her legs simply from kissing. Jane was nervous and shaky at more than that but it didn't matter; when her lips were on Clara's, it gave her the courage to explore and Clara knew that she didn't find her unaroused.
Clara took her time before she laid Jane back on the bed, finally giving in to the urge and the rush. She was gentle, as gentle as she could be with her heart racing and her body quivering with need. She kissed Jane slowly, letting their lips linger together before Clara detached and let hers travel along Jane's form. She paused with the smallest nervous hesitancy before letting her mouth plunge between her legs.
Jane's fingers grasped first at the sheets and then Clara's hair as she gasped, Clara coaxing her to her edge with careful licks and touches. When she finally met her climax, she arched up into Clara's touch, breathing out her name as loudly as she could manage without giving them away, barely waiting to catch her breath before pulling Clara up to her mouth for a kiss, her taste mingling between them.
…
Jane was taller than Clara but even so she settled behind Jane and pulled her close to hold her afterwards. They lay in the bed in the deserted room but as the sounds of the party began to sound quieter as more people went home, Clara began to feel their time was numbered; soon they'd have to leave lest they might get caught. Sneaking out of a bedroom in the middle of the night was telling no matter what time period you were in. Though Clara didn't want to acknowledge it, there was something beginning to nag her and make her feel uneasy; she hoped it was fear they'd get caught and nothing more.
Clara took a deep breath as she settled being Jane, feeling her contours melt against her own. Her arm rested on Jane's stomach, her head on her shoulder. When she placed a gentle kiss on her shoulder, Jane finally spoke.
"Why does the universe have to be so cruel?" Jane asked. Though Clara couldn't see her face, she could hear a catch in her voice and knew she was fighting off tears again.
Though Clara had traveled to dozens of planets and time periods, that was one question she didn't have the answer to. The forces around people could be terribly cruel and she didn't know what to say. "Do you regret….." Clara started to ask. She hoped she hadn't made her leaving worse on Jane. She hadn't intended really for any of this to happen and she thought it might have made things infinitely worse.
"No" Jane was quick to say, taking Clara's hand in her own. "I don't regret it. I just….wish there was more time. I wish you didn't have to go. I want you to stay…I love you."
There it was; that was the problem. Clara was smitten with Jane and she was sure given more time she could fall in love with her but she didn't at the moment. They had known each other such a short time and Clara knew there was a big difference between infatuation and real love. She'd learned that first hand with the Doctor and it wasn't an easy lesson to learn. Thinking of that made Clara feel so guilty; thinking of the Doctor made it worse. Jane was young and innocent and maybe she hadn't learned the difference yet; most likely she thought that Clara's actions meant more than they did and it was completely Clara's fault.
"I'll do what I can. I'll try to stay" Clara said, knowing it was a lie and feeling sick at her stomach. She leaned over and kissed Jane, letting herself get lost in how well Jane could kiss and trying to forget that even though she was about to leave, she still couldn't muster the gall to say I love you even if it wasn't true.
….
"There you are! About time, what took you so long?" the Doctor asked as Clara walked into the TARDIS. Clara was glad she was saved the trouble of a response as the Doctor prattled on.
"Well, whatever; it doesn't matter. I'm thinking next…..Paris. You've always wanted to go there. What do you think?" the Doctor said excitedly, sweeping around the console.
Clara felt so horrible, she just slumped down on the steps in the console room, wrapping her arms around herself. "Sure…..whatever" Clara said half heartily, staring down at her feet. She honestly couldn't imagine going anywhere right now, not even Paris.
"Well, you don't sound very excited for someone that's been bothering me for weeks about it" the Doctor said dramatically. "I mean, every five minutes it was 'Paris this' and 'Paris that' and the talk about the dancing and the Eiffel Tower. I mean you can really-"
"Just stop, Doctor" Clara said tiredly, "Please, just stop."
It was a credit to the Doctor's growing awareness that he noticed something was wrong. "What's the matter with you?" he said, walking around the console and closer to her.
Clara couldn't really tell the Doctor but she couldn't stop herself from saying, "Do you ever feel that what we do isn't good?"
The Doctor gave her a confused look, as if she was a puzzle to solve. "Of course what we do is good" he said, "We save people, we help people. What's wrong with that?"
"I mean…..what about when we don't save people?" Clara asked. "What about when we just meet people we were never supposed to know and ruin their lives?"
The Doctor frowned, studying her. He took a seat on the step next to her. "What is this about Clara?" he asked seriously. "Don't talk in circles; tell me what this is about?"
Clara took a long breath. "Don't laugh" she said. She could just see the delight on the Doctor's face when she said she slept with Jane and it was the last thing she thought she could take.
"I'm not going to laugh. Why would I laugh?" the Doctor asked, overly affronted.
Clara looked down at the floor, shame washing over her. "I slept with Jane" she admitted. "I told her I was leaving and she was so upset. She cried and she said she loved me. I really liked her but I didn't love her. I slept with her and told her I'd try to stay. I used her."
Clara was still expecting the Doctor to laugh; she was actually surprised that he didn't. "You didn't use her" the Doctor said seriously. "I mean, you didn't force her to do it, right?"
"No" Clara said hesitantly, looking at the Doctor for the first time. She was surprised at the understanding she saw in his eyes.
"Clara, you wanted to sleep with Jane and she wanted to sleep with you so she did" he said with a shrug as if it was the simplest thing in the world. "You're both adults and you made a decision to do it. Maybe it was an ill formed decision but one you both made. Just because her feelings were greater than yours doesn't mean you did something wrong."
"But I wasn't going to do that. I didn't want to complicate her life and then just run away in the TARDIS" Clara said, "I just…got carried away."
"Of course you did, you're a human!" the Doctor said with a small laugh. "That's what humans do. You have all these feelings and you act on them without thinking. It's part of your survival; if you didn't act on your feelings you'd stop making babies and then where would you be? Of course, I don't suppose your activities with Miss Austen would make any babies but the principal is the same."
The Doctor's remark succeeded in making Clara finally laugh. "You have such a great opinion of us" she said. "But really…you don't think I've…used her ill?"
Clara still felt guilty but it was lessening with each snappy remark of the Doctor's. "Of course not" the Doctor said with a wave of his hand. "Jane's young and smart; she'll bounce back. That's another thing I like about humans; you're so adaptable"
Clara really felt awful about the pain she would cause Jane but she thought that the Doctor had a point; maybe she'd been blowing this out of portion. "You're right, I was being stupid. Of course she'll get over it just fine" Clara said dismissively, feeling slightly embarrassed to have made such a big deal of it. She still felt slightly sick about it; it was an odd sensation when she could still feel the warmth of the memory of Jane's lips on hers.
"You're not stupid" the Doctor said. "Jane Austen never married but she still managed to write some of the best love stories of your planet's history. She believed in love. Did you ever think that maybe you helped with that rather than ruin it?"
Clara felt hope and relief swelling in her chest as she reached over and gave the Doctor a hug. The Doctor froze. "I know you're not about hugging but I'm going to do it anyway" Clara said, smiling when the Doctor finally relaxed and tentatively hugged back.
"If it…..makes you feel better" the Doctor said, confused. "See what I mean? You humans and all your 'feelings'. Doesn't make any sense"
Clara had to agree it didn't make much sense; even then she didn't know what she was feeling. But one thing that did make a little more sense with the Doctor was the difference between infatuation and love, even if he didn't realize what was happening yet between them like she was beginning to.