"So how was your date?"
"It was so bad. Like, the worst blind date you have ever set me up on so far. "
"You say that after every date. What was wrong about it this time? He had to many eyes? She was too much like a toad and had a major cat fetish? They were too snobbish for someone who prances around in a forbidden forest? I mean really Bob, lower your standards."
"They're not even that high, honestly! And besides, Terrie was the one who ended it this time, not me."
"What did you do to make her do that? She seemed really nice."
"Well, at first I thought she liked me because we were having a nice time at Madam Puddifoot's-which, let me tell you, the Valentines decorations were amazing-and she let me walk her home. Well, kinda. She was really pale and shaking and sweating and stuff, you know? It was gross, but she wasn't crying like the others in the tea shop, so that was good.
Anyway, I walk her home so she doesn't collapse on the way-I am a real gentleman, if I do say so myself-and then decide to kiss her. But after I kissed her, she wouldn't talk to me! She barely even looked at me. So I said goodbye and left. I honestly don't even know what I did wrong. Do you think it was my breathe? I had just eaten a really bad tasting jelly bean. Like dragon dung or something. Or maybe she didn't like my dress robes? They look a lot like my normal ones, I guess, but they have a-"
"Wait. Wait. Back up a little. Did you say you kissed her?"
"-with the gold, you know? So I thought that they wouldn't be so bad. Obviously, I was wrong-"
"Bob. Bob. BOB! Stop talking. Thank you. Now, did you kiss her?"
"Um, yeah. I know, I shouldn't have kissed her on the first date, but she gave off the signals, you know? The Hey, We Should Kiss signals. And it was really nice at first, but then she just kinda pulled away ."
"That's not the problem! You're a dementor, Bob! Terrie was my wife's brother's cousin's great grandniece twice removed! You sucked out her soul, Bob!"
"..."
"..."
"...Okay. That sounds fake, but okay."
What am I even doing?