Dear Katniss,
You will never see this. These are just some things that I wish I could tell you but am really too afraid to. I know it's strange, to be afraid of speaking to someone, but that's how it is, I would give anything though for the courage needed to stand in front of you and confess my true feelings. Truth is whenever I see you my tongue becomes knotted, my hands sweaty and my heart… I swear it stops completely in your presence. Right now, just thinking about you has my heart racing like a maniac. I can barely keep this pencil in my hand, the thought of you is just too incredible to multitask but now that my brain has started to let out its content there shall be no holding it back, even if I wanted to.
Today I saw you. Your hair was hanging loosely; flowing in the wind as it wished. There was a beautiful angelic grace to it. In the dark it is as black as sin and under the sun it is as brown as coffee. You were standing with your sister, Prim, and for a moment it was like you felt my eyes upon you because you turned almost instantaneously. We met eye to eye. Not for long of course, because I turned away. But we had a connection… even if it was only for a moment, it was still there.
So here it is, the whole reason I'm writing this letter that you will never see; the truth is... I like you. No not like, it is too loose of a word to describe how I feel about you. It's love. How does one describe love though? Technically it is an emotion that takes over our mind, slowly intoxicating it with its poison. Such sweet poison. But to me? It is every time I close my eyes. Every dream and desire. Every single longing urge to be with you. It has engulfed me entirely, overwhelming me with its debauchery.
Who knew something so sweet could carry such a bitter taste. Yet I prefer to wallow in the bitterness for my whole life than to let it go for just a moment. I don't know when, but what I do know is that I will tell you, one day. Despite the pointlessness in it. So many guys like you already, what makes me differ from any of them? A lot of them are more handsome and muscled than me. And what about Gale? He likes you. I can see it in the way he looks at you. You're harder to read though. Far much more complex. Your emotion is too well hidden to be seen by others. The only time I have ever seen you, as how you feel, was when your father died. Your scream, your blood curdling, panic stricken scream is something I will never forget. Seeing you that way, made me feel completely helpless. Imagining how you felt destroyed me. I wanted to comfort you, to reach out and hold you tight but alas I couldn't. Gale beat me to it. His father had died too.
The next eight months of your life was hell. I'm sorry I didn't do more to help. I was nervous. I couldn't believe how bad it was until I saw you in the rain that day. You were sitting in the rain, with dead eyes, oh such dead eyes they were. They were as black as onyx. Your skin was clinging to your bones so desperately and your cheeks were jagged and inhuman. Reality is cruel and merciless, it's realizations brutal. You were dying.
I couldn't let all my love wither into a depressing state of mourning. I had to do something and quickly. You didn't have much time left. I faced the only solution I could think of. I burned the bread. You should have seen the glare that my mother gave me. Of course that wasn't where the enragement ended though, she slapped me. Hard. She had actually managed me to give me a black eye. But you know that. You had seen me the day after, I saw your eyes on me but this time it was you that turned away. I'm sorry. I should have taken the bread out to you. I should have walked out in the pouring rain and given it to you; I should have put it straight into your hands.
A few months later, I heard you were hunting... and to be honest it scared me… and still does. But you are more than capable to look after yourself, as you have shown numerous times before. Truth be told, I admire your determination. I admire your skill –I've eaten your food before, your arrows always hit them in the eye. You never puncture the skin- I admire everything. I admire you.
I know writing this is pointless but it allows me to put my thoughts into words, something I so desperately want. Even though at the moment, I am too anxious to attempt my confession, I will one day tell you… even if it is already too late. I will tell you. I will.
- Love Peeta