Hope you guys don't hate me after reading this. But please review and tell me the feelings you had during and after reading this. I would love to know if it matched mine.
I don't claim to be an expert on the topics covered in this one-shot so if something's not very accurate, I'm sorry.
If you're a reader of my other stories, please know that I've started college now and I may not be as active as I've been on fanfiction (I'VE UPDATED AND WROTE OVER 10 STORIES/ONESHOTS THIS SUMMER. BE PROUD) but I still will update sporadically.
And if you'd like to know what inspired me to write this, follow me on Twitter (hereinyourarms_) or follow me on Tumblr (returntomemysunandstars).
So thank you for reading and please review. Oh, this is a one-shot. Doubt you'd want more of this. ;P
Eli got home after a long day ready to forget the world by sleeping for as long as possible. But he couldn't do as he wanted. There were more pressing matters at hand, such as packing up all of Clare's belongings.
They hadn't officially moved in together but Eli was just days away from doing so. Now, he would certainly be living alone for a while. But Clare's clothes and bathroom stuff made their way slowly into Eli's small apartment. Grabbing an old box he used when he first moved in, he started to get to work.
He began in the kitchen since most of the stuff was Clare's anyways, or rather they were Eli's purchases by Clare's urging.
"I don't think you should be living off of fast food and take-out for the rest of your life Eli. Surely you won't be healthy if you keep doing that so you should invest in some cookware."
Eli now saw what Clare was doing. She was stealthily getting the two of them closer to the kitchenware area of the department store.
"They'll be unused," Eli was convinced.
"Fine then I'll use them," Clare said. "Whenever I have time I'll cook you some homemade food. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, whatever. Then I'll leave them for you as leftovers."
"You're not going to let this go, are you?"
Clare wrapped her arms around Eli's torso, smiling brightly. "Nope. Now let's go find some pots and pans."
Eli decided to keep the pots and pans that were placed in the drawer under the oven. He bought them, anyways. And he had recently started taking over the cooking since he was getting the hang of it and he realized that he actually really liked to cook.
For Clare, though. He remembered how she would watch him cooking when he would hijack her cooking late at night. It was a recent memory, one that he'd always think back to when he would cook himself some pasta or something.
So he put Clare's kitchen magnets, her girly oven mitts, the health bars that she was addicted to but Eli absolutely despised (It tastes like cardboard!), and deposited it all into the box. After taking one more quick look around the kitchen he remembered the various colorful plates and bowls that were of Clare's purchase. Just a few days ago she had been eating cereal out of the green one.
Eli put them in the box.
Next was the dining room which had a huge cabinet of random display things. It was mostly of Eli's things; awards, sentimental stuff, pictures. But one of the things displayed was an antique frame with a picture of Eli, Clare, their parents, Clare's stepdad and step-brother the day of Clare's promotion as a head news writer. It was an exciting day and Clare was so happy to have had that permanent memory that she got an extra photo for Eli, put it in one of her old frames, and put it in the dining room.
Staring at the picture and running a finger across the dusty surface, Eli sighed when he put the memory into the box.
While walking to the living room, Eli realized how much harder it was to be doing this. Him and Clare were no longer…him and Clare. So he had to depart with her things. They were hers, not his, and having them in his apartment, in his possession, that was just not right. But letting the items go and giving them back, it was painful. Every part of what he had of Clare being collected and given back. Eli never thought it would be this hard.
In the living room Eli found a few of Clare's books still placed on one of the tables. Sitting in the place Clare usually sat when she read and did work at his place, he reminisced one night when he kept trying to distract her.
Clare sat in her usual spot on the couch. Right at the end near the end table where there was a lamp that was bright enough for Clare to read comfortably. With her eyes glued to the book in front of her, Eli watched her instead of the movie playing on the TV. She had been extremely busy the past few weeks. The past few weeks had been her doing things with her family, seeing friends, helping Adam out with something, a doctor's check up, a dentist appointment, and work, work, and more work. Eli had seen her maybe four times in the last month.
Finally she was able to actually relax for a few days after being given time off and she was using it to read on the couch of his apartment. Eli liked that Clare was actually here but "We'd be making out on the couch at this point!" Eli thought to himself. But no, she was reading. And he was frustrated in more than one sense of the word.
Smirking to himself, he decided to just go ahead and distract her from her book. It wasn't anything she had to read for work so it shouldn't be a problem. So he sat closer to her and pulled her legs to lay on his lap. Clare smiled and readjusted herself to sit more comfortably, legs over Eli's thighs, and she went back to reading.
Eli smoothed his hand over her pajama clothed legs. And they were his pajamas, not hers. He kept his actions innocent at first, one hand on her bent knee and the other running up and down a leg. But soon a hand made its way under the pajama leg, touching her leg under the fabric. She still hadn't budged at the move so the hand Eli had on her knee went to her thigh.
"Eli," she warned. "I'm reading."
"Not doing anything," he teased. "Keep reading."
Still 'not doing anything', Eli put a hand on Clare's stomach, covered with a thin cami, and caressed softly. Clare gave Eli a stern look but the hint of a smile on her lips made Eli knew that he should definitely keep going.
Eli got the book away from Clare's hands and the immediate reaction of anger in Clare completely changed to a flustered one as Eli leaned close to her, not quite touching his lips to hers. His hand traveled up, grazing her breast, and stopping right on her chest.
"Your heart's beating quite fast there Edwards," he said, tilting his head slowly and leaning even closer.
Clare moved her legs to have Eli between them and when their hips pressed against each other's, they couldn't suppress their moans. Still not kissing yet, Clare whispered, "Can you make it race faster?"
And he took that challenge, knowing he won when afterwards he looked at Clare breathing heavily, spent, and completely undressed underneath him after having used his fingers and hands on her. He pressed a kiss on the left side of her chest, right above her heart. A victorious smile on his lips, he smugly asked, "Did I win?"
But Eli's own heart picked up speed when Clare started touching him through the thin boxers he had on. Just as she reached her hand into the hole in the front of them, she leaned up for a steamy kiss. "Here's your reward."
The books made the box a lot heavier. And Eli had bought her one of them but Clare had written her name in all of them, marking them as hers.
In Eli's bedroom there would be more things that he was thinking of. On the top of his head he remembered Clare's personal pillow, her slippers, the fleece blanket she bought so they could share during the cold nights, and the clothes and underwear in the drawer Eli specifically made vacant for her. But once those were put into the box, Eli started looking around.
Clare's pocket bible in the drawer of the table on her side of the bed, a misplaced headband, a Harry Potter DVD, a lace bra underneath the bed presumably kicked there from one of their steamy nights together, and the craziest of them all, Clare's purity ring.
The ring was in Eli's small box where he kept his own jewelry. The chain guitar pick necklace he wore every day in his high school days, a black circle stone ring from Bullfrog, a cuff he bought from some random store. And when Clare had given Eli her virginity, the ring went to its place in the box.
Eli put the ring on his pinky and even then it wouldn't fit properly. It would only fit Clare's hand and having the silver ring against his skin made him think of first and only time he had taken it off of her.
The bedroom door slammed against the opposite wall and though the sound would surely wake up the tenants underneath, neither Clare or Eli cared. They were fused together at their lips, hands moving everywhere, and soon their clothes were being shed as if they were racing to see who'd get them off first.
Clare won since she only had her dress and underwear to take off and she laid on the bed until Eli joined her. "This is it," Eli thought. "We'd never gone this far this fast." Eli had no time to worry about this being the night they would finally have sex. Clare kept his mind occupied as she kissed him hard, her tongue playing with his. Eli could feel his arms already tiring while keeping himself up over her. When Clare flipped them over with impressive strength, he was both shocked and grateful.
Sitting up, Clare took Eli's hands into hers. "I love you, forever and always. So…" Clare gestured to her ring. Sitting up slowly, Eli carefully took Clare's purity ring off and placed it on the bedside table.
"I love you," Eli whispered, kissing her chastely. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
Though the ring was Clare's, she had given it to him. He was the owner of the ring and the purity that symbolized the ring and he couldn't give back the latter so he wouldn't give back the former. He put the ring back and went into the bathroom where Clare had more things in there than he did.
They weren't living together but Eli insisted that she brought anything she needed, feminine hygiene products or not. And she certainly had a lot of feminine hygiene products. The little closet in the bathroom had an open and unopened box of tampons, an extra bottle of her shampoo, and a few of her towels. The sink held Clare's toothbrush and facial soap. Her makeup wipes, still a fairly full package since she didn't usually wear makeup, and razor where behind the sink mirror. In the shower had Clare's shampoo and conditioner which smelled like flowers, and her little pink soap thing that she used to wash her entire body.
Right before leaving the bathroom with the now heavy box, Eli saw Clare's towel hanging behind the door. It was still damp from the shower she had taken that morning. The morning when everything was still fine and they were still happy.
It seemed like ages ago even though it was only a little more than 16 hours.
Eli allowed himself to take a break and hold Clare's towel in his arms as he childishly sat in the bathroom and cried. Clare's scent was engraved in that towel and Eli could just picture the times he'd 'accidentally' walked in on Clare taking a shower. There were times when that turned into a shower that would cause another shower but not always. Sometimes he'd just listen to her sing.
"Baby why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I'll never know. I can't even breathe. It's like I'm looking from a distance, standing in the background, everybody's saying he's not coming home now. This can't be happening to me. This is just a dream."
Though Clare did have a great taste in music, in Eli's opinion, there were a bunch of country songs that she loved. Like Carrie Underwood. Eli recognized this song because it was Clare's favorite from that artist.
Once the song was finished, a performed by Clare's non-talented singing voice, she climbed out of the shower and jumped, seeing Eli sitting on the counter.
"Will you stop doing that?!" she shrieked, covering herself tighter with the towel though underneath, Eli had seen everything.
"Nope," he smirked. "Never."
Finally, Eli put the towel into the box and put the heavy box near the door. It being almost 3 in the morning didn't make it the proper time to return Clare's things so he'd do it in the morning. Once he's finished crying and finally fallen asleep.
In the morning he managed to actually get out of bed but his body was tired. Having spent most of his night crying from losing Clare, he could tell that he wasn't quite finished crying. But nonetheless he got into his car with the box of Clare's things in the passenger seat. He drove to her house, which was where her mom and Glen still lived, and looked in his car for more of Clare's things before walking up to the door and ringing the doorbell.
The door was opened by a tired looking Jake Martin. Eli saw that he must've looked just like Clare's step-brother. Bags under the eyes, hunched posture, ever present frown.
"I couldn't keep these," Eli mumbled to Jake, looking down at the box. "It hurts too much."
"I get that," Jake nodded. "Walking past her room…it's—"
Jake bit his lip to keep from crying all over again and Eli found himself doing the same. He managed to get into the house before finally breaking down once again, face crumbling into cries.
Eli felt arms wrapping around him and he could tell it was Jake. Jake was crying too, just as hard as he was, and they leaned to each other for support, neither of them able to fathom the truth.
They'd just lost someone important to them both. Jake, his sister. Eli, his love.
"I can't believe she's gone," Eli cried through his tears. "She's gone. She was supposed to be mine forever. And now she won't be because she's gone."
Eli had no idea what he would do now. Just 24 hours ago, Clare was taking a shower in his bathroom, still healthy enough to do so by herself. But when Eli found her during lunch time passed out on his bedroom floor, he had no idea what he would do if she didn't return to him.
Eli, Clare's parents, and his own parents were at the hospital waiting for any sort of news. At 1 o'clock in the morning, they'd been there practically the entire day. Eli managed to get Clare to the hospital early enough for Clare to have been revived and put through various tests to figure out what was wrong.
Just half a year, Clare was diagnosed with Lymphoma. It was a hereditary disease from Clare's dad's side though it hadn't effected anyone in a few generations. But when Clare was diagnosed, the cancer was at its furthest stage. Clare tried any sort of treatment the doctors would put her on but it was no luck.
It was crazy. She'd always been so healthy, always a stickler about having a healthy diet and exercise routine. When truthfully, her body was working against her.
She was given maybe 6 months to a year to live but three months after the last failed treatment, Eli was back in the hospital with his and Clare's family. She hadn't woken up at all and the doctors told them that Clare's condition deteriorated faster than they had anticipated and that it might be a good idea for them to say their goodbyes.
When it was Eli's turn, he was given privacy. He held her hand and kissed it and cried against it. "This wasn't supposed to happen yet, not yet," he said softly. "I was supposed to ask you to move in so I could take care of you, I was going to propose and we would have a wedding as soon as possible so you could've at least gotten married. I was supposed to have you for as long as I could and now…"
Eli was wishing that maybe, just maybe, Clare would at least move her hand slightly so he knew that she was there listening to him. But her cold, pale hand didn't move. Her entire body was whiter than ever, skin as cold as the room itself.
"I won't barge into the bathroom while you're taking a shower, I won't bother you while you read your book, I'll cook for you as many times as you want, just please, please don't leave me. I love you. I love you so much, Clare. You can't leave me when our last kiss was just a little peck before I left for work. You can't leave me when I just asked your parents' permission to propose. You can't leave me, not yet. I'm not ready, you're not ready."
Clare passed away just hours later with all of them, including Jake who got off work early, in the room. Eli listened as Clare's heart beat slowed and watched as her parents held both of her hands. He stood against the opposite wall, not wanting to think that there'd be no more hugs, no more kisses, no more blushing looks. There'd be no more Clare and he didn't know how to live in a world without her.
A few months later, on Clare's birthday, Eli took the day off to spend the day at Clare's resting place. He brought flowers with him to place in front of her tombstone and a picnic lunch which included his favorites and Clare's. He laid down a blanket and laid out his food near him and Clare's favorites close to her.
Eli would tell her about the good things going on in his and others' lives. He'd gotten a promotion, he'd started a novel that he wishes she could edit, he'd set up Adam with a girl, Bullfrog and Cece celebrated their anniversary, and Jake and Katie Matlin seemed to be heading towards marriage.
"Everyone's doing great," Eli told her but then shook his head. "A lot of the times I wake up and I think…it was all just a dream. There's no way this all could've happened. You never got sick, you never left me. And sometimes I never got out of bed so I could hold onto that.
"But eventually, Cece got me to get up, shower, get dressed, and live. Sometimes I can still hear you singing in the shower, I can still see you reading your book, and I think that life is so damn cruel to have given me you and to take you away so early but…I manage to live."
Eli felt wind blow through his hair and he smiled. Clare always messed with his hair.
"So I read this new book," Eli began another, less sad story. He'd talk on and on about this new book, Clare being the only one he could talk books to. He'd spend hours sitting there, feeling Clare's presence near him, and when it was finally time for him to go, he packed up and said a one more thing.
"Forever and always," he whispered before kissing his fingers and touching the stone. "Happy birthday."