Disclaimer – I own nothing but the plot. :)
A.N- This is just a simple-from-the-heart letter from Jacob to Bella. I tried to stay true to Jacob's taste for brevity in his short letter he wrote Bella in Eclipse. Time moves though through the letter, because it takes him a long time to finish it, and I hope that's easily recognizable. Sorry for any mistakes that i missed. Hope everyone enjoys! :)
Letter from the Heartbroken
LoverGurrl411
/I know how many times I said I'm gonna live without you, and maybe someone else is standing there
beside you but there's something baby that you need to know…I wish I could tell you
I'm feeling better every day; that it didn't hurt when you walked away…
Each night I taste the purest of pain/
-Purest of Pain by Son by Four
Dear Bella,
What am I supposed to say? One of my teachers at school saw how down I was and told me that maybe writing it all down would make me feel better. What a fucking idiot. What am I supposed to say-write to a piece of paper you won't ever see? Is it even possible for me to say write something that I haven't already told you? Shit, this is stupid.
I can't believe we kissed though. Yea, definitely awesome. Too bad I haven't seen you in a while. And I know I'm the one who hasn't reached out to you, but how can I? It was like, for the very first time, I felt you. I really held you in my arms and felt you. I kissed you, and I fucking drowned in you Bella and all you fucking did was run back to him.
I guess I am a-How am I supposed to live with this feeling of rejection? Tell me Bella! How am I supposed to forget the fact that I wasn't good enough? How am I supposed to erase from my memory the feel of your lips or the touch of your hands gripping my hair? In passion, Bella! Passion! Remember what that is? Do you feel that with your fucking leech? Do you feel heat when he touches you, or anticipation when you feel his heart start to race at your closeness? No! No! Because he doesn't have a fucking heart to beat, and he's cold as a goddamn Popsicle!
I spoke to Leah yesterday. I know, me and Leah actually talking. It happens every full moon and whatnot. But she spoke to me, and she didn't have an ounce of pity or sympathy for me. She said that shit happens and I've just got to try to keep it together while the shit is happening. But I can't. I can't, Bella. How am I supposed to keep it together, when I know that I lost you-Maybe I didn't fight hard enough, or wasn't sweet enough.
I dreamt of you last night. I think I'm just going to high tale it out of here for a while. In my dream you wanted me. You loved me. You asked me to never leave you, and I never did. See, this is what you're doing to me, Bells. You're haunting me in the one place I thought would always belong to me: my dreams. Shit, when did I grow a vagina?
Everyone has tried to get me out of this funk, but I can feel it. I know, somewhere deep inside myself that if I honestly let you go, the wolf will consume me. You. You keep my humanity for me. You keep my humanity grounded. Without you in my heart, I won't be Jacob or Jake. I'll be Alpha. Alpha Black.
My dad would be proud, and I hope Sam would just step down instead of making us fight. I'd really hate to see Emily cry. The council of Elders would make a huge thing of it, and want to make me chief of the tribe the minute I turned eighteen, but I would've lost a piece of myself. The piece that loved you more than anything. Fuck! Is my love so worthless? Can all the money he has possibly make his love more valuable? No. I know it's not, because he can't love. Not really.
Love is in the simple things like re-building motorcycles and eating really bad cheese-cake that I tried to make. But you ate them anyway, because I made them as a present for you. Love is actually having the patience to watch as you hurt, and stick by you until you're not in pain anymore. Not fucking show up when you're mended and stick by you through your happy hour! Love is knowing that you may never love me as much as I love you, and that you might not have meant it when you said you did love me the night of the Newborn battle, but goddamn loving you anyway because I've always loved you and I don't know how to just stop suddenly.
Damn. This teacher is an idiot. This doesn't help at all. I just feel like a damn loser writing this.
But if you did one day read this, I guess I'd want you to know that you and me: we were fucking epic! Give me a break, supernatural battles and my love for you that transcended time and space-Our love was epic, even if you don't believe it. I felt you-It's sick, because I know that right now, if you came back to me and said that you didn't want to be with the leech but with me, only me, I would take you. Everyone would laugh at me. They'd call me a fool and a bitch, and they'd be right. But I was born to love you. I was born to feel this all consuming need for you that no one else in the world can feel for you. I have to believe that.
Maybe I shouldn't run away. What would be the use? You can't outrun dreams. I can't outrun the memory of you in my garage either. I might burn it down. I can't stop seeing you every time I enter the kitchen. I can't burn that down. I can't stop feeling you in my arms when I'm alone at night. My arms tingle sometimes and that's when you just pop up, like a ghost. I still smell you everywhere. Maybe it's just all too raw right now.
I have to believe that one day I won't feel this way. So jealous, so sad. I have to believe that there's something to what everyone has been saying: that it'll get better. That one day I'll wake up and won't even remember you existed. But I just can't see it. Me not remember you? Does that shit even sound plausible Bella? How would you feel if I did forget you one day? I hope it makes you fucking cry for the rest of your eternity with him.
I guess, this is the last time I speak to you. I got your invitation in the mail. You cold hearted bitc-That was cold. I almost cried when I saw it, and men don't cry. At least we're not supposed to, but apparently we're not that normal. Sam cried the other day. Emily announced that she was pregnant and Leah was in the room. I felt horrible for her. She just stood there, completely still. It was almost like she couldn't believe what she heard. And Sam cried. He went over to Leah, got on his knees, and cried like the day he was born, man.
I guess he hasn't forgotten his love for her. I can understand it. Some women in this world are just worth that much. They're worth risking it all for. I finally realize that us Quileute men love too deep. We don't know how to let go. I see Jared sometimes watching this girl named Jacqueline. He wasn't dating her at the time he imprinted on Kim, but still. He had loved her, and I think the entire tribe knew it but her. I sometimes see him run passed her house just to catch a glimpse at who he used to be. I do the same with you. When I know you're not home I jog passed, just to catch your scent for a second.
We're all screwed up. Quil, don't even ask. He dotes on Claire, but I know he's always hurting. I'm in his head. I know. He wants his freedom so badly that it freaking hurts me. But how can I help him. Maybe if I was Alpha, I could bestow some peace upon him, but I'm not. Maybe I should be. It was time this curse gave something back to us!
I spoke to Leah again today. She smiled at me. It was strange how the bitch in her made the Alpha in me roar and want her. I can see sort of what Sam saw-sees in her. She's strong, and fierce and passionate with everything she does and says. But I still can't forget how your eyes would sparkle when you were mad-But I still can't forget you. There's a lot of things about you that I find myself comparing to other girls I meet. It's been months now, and you've probably been turned already. I don't know. Even though I'm not Alpha, I still convinced Sam to make the decree that no one was to ask about you or communicate with the Cullen's unless for official Werewolf/Vampire business.
I don't need people telling me how you're doing or if you've been changed or not. I don't want to care, and knowing makes me remember all those feelings of-
Whatever. Doesn't matter anymore-You didn't want me and that's what matters. And now, I'm trying to learn how to not want you.
It's been almost two years, and I found this letter that was never completed. I haven't thought about you in a long time, and I hope it hurts you to know that if you ever do read this. I'm with Leah now, by the way. Sam wasn't too happy, but he understood that Leah was worth loving and worth more than a faint memory of his devotion when he can spare it away from his imprint.
Imprint, what a joke. I'm the true Alpha, so I won't ever imprint, but my soldiers, I feel for them. I understand that there are women in this world that they wake up in the middle of the night wanting to touch and hold, but all they have is their pillow or a bad substitution called imprint.
Paul imprinted on my sister, Rachel. And when it happened I held onto Leah, and felt horrible because it was one of the few instances since I got with her that I wanted you. You always knew how to make me feel like the grand guy who could fix the world. Sweet Bells, is what I used to call you in my mind, but you never knew.
Poor Paul. He met a girl after he imprinted, and his entire being was calling for this other girl. He buys rings all the time that he'll never wear just because she works there. I see them sometimes say hello, and I remember that feeling with you. The feeling of going through great lengths to see someone, and to take just a bit of their time if their willing. The high that comes with knowing you completed your daily task of getting a simple smile from her. From you. But you're wherever you are, and I'm here with Leah.
She loves me. Maybe not as much she loved Sam, but she loves me more than you did. I know it and it doesn't stop me from loving you, but I'll always love Leah just a tad bit more, because she loves me back. I haven't thought about you in a really long time, and I probably won't think about you again after I seal this letter. Just because my heart still yearns for you doesn't mean the wolf won't protect me from that pain and those memories. I've learned quite a few tricks being Alpha. And the greatest one is to forget you ever existed. So, I guess this is the end of the letter. I was born to love you, past all reason, without end. But I don't care what I was born to do anymore, because I'm not sixteen anymore. I am Alpha Black, true leader of the ferocious Quileute Pack and I refuse to love you any longer.
Heartfelt and True,
Jacob Ephraim Black
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