A/N: I have no words for what you are about to read.
A black cloaked figure, with the hood pulled low over his face so his features were obscured in shadows… No… The image flickered; a light appeared where a normal face should have been…
Changing, morphing… The figure was something ethereal, and otherworldly. To be afraid of such beings was a primal human instinct; to be wary of the unknown and the unexplainable. But yet…
With fear would always come courage. With misunderstanding came knowledge. After life, there would always come death. No human could escape Death. Some may evade it for some time, others would spend their lives dancing with it, but it would always come. It was the final end that made every human equal. What allowed an animal life to be weighed the same as that of a human's.
Death was the one being all should respect. The one figure every living creature would one day meet and be judged by.
And now, it was his turn. For Death had finally come for him.
"Zoldyck, Illumi." Death's voice was a raspy whisper scraped from a hollow throat.
Before the dark creature was a man, young as all humans were before him, but comparably still younger than most when they finally came before Death. Standing at an even six feet in height, Illumi was forced to peer up into the space where Death's face was hidden.
His black hair was cut short, with the longest of the raven strands ending at the nape of his neck. Looking to where Death's eyes should have been, Illumi didn't bother to brush the obstructing strands from his own black eyes.
It no longer mattered.
Illumi was not required to constantly take in his surroundings. He was no longer required to be on guard until he was exhausted. He was no longer required to act in accordance to his name sake.
Seeing the look in Illumi's eyes, Death reached a cloaked hand to the boy's face. Illumi never moved. He should be scared to feel the ghostly touch of death on his cheek. He should be frightened that he was no longer living. But… and on this Illumi himself was surprised, but he wasn't. All Illumi felt at the realization of seeing Death before him was… relief.
Illumi felt relieved that his life was over. That he was no longer the one who was sought out and hired to kill others. To force them to stand before this otherworldly being before it was their proper time.
Tilting his head sideways, Illumi never broke contact with Death's rough fingers. The caress on his cheek… it almost felt tender. Caring. As if Illumi was alive once more and back to a time in his childhood when he felt his mother's tender hand, lovingly caressing him in the same fashion.
The boy felt his lips curve up, only a little, but it was a gentle, genuine smile. An expression he could only wear in the darkest hour of the night and only when he was able to look upon the sleeping faces of his beloved younger brothers.
For the entirety of their lives, the four younger Zoldycks had never known of Illumi's love for them. For the care and protection he was forced to smother and hide so they could become strong in their own rights. So they could grow and surpass Illumi, unhindered by their love and emotions for their elder brother.
And to Illumi, he shouldered their hatred and fear in silence, knowing that it was the closet expression of their love he would ever be allowed to touch. The only expressions of his existence in their lives he could ever ask for or receive.
Retracting his black cloaked hand, Death retreated from Illumi. His ethereal body ghosted away, leading Illumi to follow. At first the assassin's body was jerky; his movements were uncoordinated and new. However, as he continued to chase after Death's figure they smoothed out and became fluid. It was as though his body was readjusting to its new formless condition.
Though Illumi couldn't see Death's eyes, he felt the weight of the dark being's gaze as he ran. The longer he ran, the more he chased, the heavier his movements became. No longer fluid, they were leaden and slow. Illumi felt as if his body was working through a blizzard, tracking through waist high snow and numb to the cold.
Blinking his eyes, Illumi saw fresh snowflakes float in front of his vision. He was trying to run through a blizzard. The cold substance came only to his knees, inhibiting his once fluid motions enough that he was sweating. Flicking his gaze up, Illumi saw that Death was slowly moving farther and farther from his reach.
No
He could not lose sight of the being. If Illumi could not follow Death then…
Illumi stumbled, falling heavily onto his knees and feeling his hands sink into the cold. The snow melted against his heated skin, soaking into the fabric of his pants. The cold winter drift flared up, rippling against Illumi's formless clothing and seeking entrance to brush his bare flesh. Shuddering externally Illumi wrapped his arms across his chest, rubbing against his goosefleshed skin in the attempt to warm his lowering body temperature.
I have to keep moving… If I stop now…
Pushing himself up, the Zoldyck forced his legs to move and track through the snow. If Illumi had looked back he would have seen the obvious trail he was leaving; two deep and wavering lines that marred the once perfect field of snow, including the spot where he had fallen. No matter the strength of the blizzard, Illumi's tracks would still be there come the glistening light of the first sun's rays.
Keeping his arms tucked close to his chest, occasionally rubbing to keep his blood circulating, Illumi continued on. Unsure of where he was coming from, unsure of where he was going, Illumi continued on.
The bitter winter wind kept him moving, sometimes it was as though it was pushing him and encouraging him to move faster than he could. Illumi's hair swirled about and occasionally tickled his neck. To feel anything at all in this blizzard was a blessing for the young man. It would be all too easy for him to succumb to the cold and feel nothing as he slowly went to sleep and died in the uncaring white casket which surrounded him.
The assassin would not die surrounded in a field of innocence. If he was to die, it would be in a puddle of his own crimson blood. And preferably it would also be done by his own hand…
A silent shadow, Death watched as the young Zoldyck struggled through the wind and snow. Illumi was no longer able to see or feel the being; he was too far gone into a memory for Death's presence to register.
The boy, struggling within himself, had unconsciously returned to his youth. To when Illumi was still training under the guidance of his father to become a true assassin within the Zoldyck family, to be recognized in the underworld by his own name and not by that of his father's or grandfather's.
Death watched as Illumi passed through him and continued on, wandering in the vain hope of finding warmth and shelter. And though this was a memory, it was also a nightmare. For Illumi, this had been his first brush with Death. In the freezing cold, wearing barely anything that could protect his skin and having not been able to eat for a week, Illumi had struggled to maintain consciousness.
By now, Illumi was doing nothing more than moving automatically. His body was worn down, but his will to survive and prove himself was strong enough to keep him from succumbing to the elements which were attempting to kill him.
The dark creature continued to watch the play as Illumi collapsed a second time, staring into the white as though it would hold the answers he sought. But… what was the Zoldyck seeking?
The wind whipped and tore at the skin of the young boy, for that was what Illumi was. In this particular moment of the man's life, he was cresting the age of nine. Since Illumi had entered this memory, Death had watched as Illumi's physical appearance regressed; he had watched as the dark hair grew longer and shorter, as his height reduced from six feet to nearly four and a half…
Stumbling once more, Death watched as Illumi caught himself. Though he must have been beyond cold, Illumi still continued forward. He was unyielding, fighting the harsh conditions until he finally found what Death had known he would find; a cave.
Tripping over himself in his haste to get free of the chilling wind Illumi's right hand scrapped the rough stone of the small cave and he collapsed in the entrance. He didn't care that the ground was as cold as the wind. He didn't care that his legs were still being battered by the brittle flakes as they were thrown around in the wind.
Illumi was just grateful to have finally found shelter.
Inhaling a breath that was not being torn from his airway, Illumi softly closed his eyes until he could just barely make out the frozen ground. He could not rest like this for too long, if he did Illumi would be liable to fall asleep. And if he fell asleep…
With a muttered groan, Illumi forced his icy limbs to shift. Getting his arms beneath him, his body shuddered as a wracking coldness seemed to seize his body. Illumi coughed, feeling his chest and lungs constrict. Saliva, and eventually blood, was spat from his raw throat until the spasms halted and Illumi could push himself into a sitting position.
It was slow and grueling work for Illumi to stand, his body was still shuddering as it adjusted to no longer being pushed and buffeted by the wind, it was now using purely its own power. Pressing his bloodied right palm to the frozen cave wall, Death watched as Illumi propelled himself forward, deeper into the cave until he no longer felt the winter draft trail along his neck at each fresh blast.
As Illumi curled up into the smallest form he could manage on the ground, pressing his shivering spine to the wall with his arms folded between his chest and his knees, he looked up to the ceiling of the cave and blinked. Although he felt the bone deep exhaustion of someone who wanted nothing more than to sleep he forced his eyes to stay open.
To sleep now meant that Illumi would die, and the boy was far from ready to give in to death.
Death stood just in front of the young boy, peering down at the top of his dark head. Feeling the coldness within his ethereal body stir, he knew it was time for the two of them to move on. Illumi could not remain trapped within his memories for eternity.
Reaching forth a hand, Death gingerly beckoned the young boy forward, pulling Illumi's conscious mind out and reverting his bodiless form back to that of his twenty-seven year old self.
Turning his own form to the front of the cave Death did not look back to see if Illumi would follow, the man would feel a pull towards the otherworldly being, like he had before. However, before he followed, Illumi glanced down at the huddled figure he had once been. Memories of that time surged forth in his thoughts and nearly drowned the assassin once more… only the supernatural pull of Death's power prevented him from re-submerging.
After having left the cave behind, the two returned to the void where Illumi had faced Death for the first time. Once the snow had withdrawn Illumi felt his movements smooth out, returning to their natural rhythm. His limbs no longer feeling weighted or numb, the Zoldyck was able to maintain a close distance behind the billowing shadow.
However as the two travelled through nothing, Illumi was slowly lured once more from Death's lead and found himself standing in the familiar setting of the family's estate on Kukuroo Mountain.
Craning his neck about, Illumi took in the space as though he had never laid eyes upon it before. Minimally lit, the few bouncing shadows created by the flickering torches in the hallway seemed to distort the narrow space. Everything was made of rough stones, the only flat surface being the floor and as that too aged it became uneven. As he took in the entirety of his surroundings, Illumi's eyes came to rest on the bloody smear on the wall. He stepped close, unconsciously raising his hand so that his fingers could settle against the bloody handprint. The fingers were small, trailing a ways down the stones before ending.
Killua… Illumi thought as he remembered the time his younger brother had been twelve. The boy had simply wanted to escape his fate, pushing against the enclosed box Illumi had allowed himself to be seal in.
If only I could have helped you… His thoughts turned inwards, remembering all too well that time a mere three years earlier. Though the eldest son wanted, desperately, to help his brother to escape, he had had no choice but to follow him under their father's orders.
Following Killua all throughout the Hunter's Exam, Illumi had seen a new side to his brother. He had seen the silver haired boy smile, openly and honestly, like he hadn't done in so long. Illumi had seen his brother make friends, and though jealousy had raged in his heart at the time, he was forced to play the villain and try to push them away. He forced his brother to do so many things he didn't want too, and Killua deeply believed Illumi had done them of his own free will. But no…
Illumi was glad his brother could experience the things Illumi never had a chance too; to have honest friends, happy memories, and a carefree childhood.
A smile tugged the Zoldyck's lips upward. His little brother, who had been born with the heaviest burden of the five children, had also been the luckiest.
Killua had been the only one of them to break free and decide his own fate. For the past three years Killua had been traveling with Gon, creating happy memories Illumi never had a chance to share in.
Stepping away from the wall, Illumi turned the way the blood trail led. He followed silently, feeling as his hair grew out and he stepped fully into the memory. His mother's voice rang out, praising Killua's skill in attacking both her and Milluki, Illumi's first brother as Killua was his second.
"Illumi!" Kikyo Zoldyck called as she caught sight of her first born son. Clasping one hand to the bleeding wound on her face, she clutched the front of Illumi's shirt with the other, joyously saying, "Did you see him Illumi? Kil was magnificent! No hesitation as he attacked his mama and precious Mil! Aren't you proud Illumi?"
"Yes mother." Illumi responded emotionlessly, his stomach knotting. How could his mother be happy? Killua had been able to remorselessly attack his own family, the people who are supposed to care for and protect him until he reaches his majority. If he had really wanted to, Illumi was sure Killua could have killed the two of them… and maybe in a few more months he would have.
I'm sorry Killua, Illumi voiced mentally, looking down the long hallway in which his brother had already disappeared, run far little brother… Don't ever let us force you back here.
"Oh Kil! Mama is so proud of her little boy!" Kikyo continued, oblivious to Illumi's internal struggle not to kill the woman in cold blood.
In the shadows, watching the scene without a flicker of emotion, stood Death. His form merged with the darkness, a presence unfelt by the two assassins.
As the ethereal being watched, he began to question why Illumi would be drawn to this memory. There were many more Death would have thought would pull the Zoldyck, but why this one? What was happening that would attract him so strongly to be lured from Death's shadow?
The scene continued as Illumi reached a hand up and grasped his mother's solitary wrist, forcing her fingers to release him. Without anything changing the twenty-four year old's face, Illumi turned from the happily weeping woman and purposefully walked down the hall. Illumi's footsteps were silent, his hair trailing out behind him as he walked swiftly towards the room he knew his father would be occupying.
Death followed his trail, knowing what would eventually come yet still puzzling out the reason of why.
The dark creature never paused as the two came to the door of Silva's favourite room. Illumi was stopped by the closed door, awaiting his father's permission. Death entered first and took up his customary place in the darkest corner, once more a silent observer.
Silva Zoldyck was reclining, at ease in his surroundings. However, as Illumi entered and informed the older man of what had just occurred, a frown marred Silva's features.
"Are you sure Illumi?" The silver haired patriarch questioned. Illumi responded with a nod. "Then follow him. Do not let Kil leave your sight."
"Yes father." Illumi emotionlessly intoned, the same stomach churning feeling still present. He wanted to rage against his parents, question them on why they could not let his brother go so he could enjoy his life in a way Illumi never could.
But as usual, he was silent and Death watched as the boy left his father's presence. Now it was Death's turn to feel a pull, intrigued that he may finally have discovered his answer.
Closing the door with a haunting click, Illumi allowed his emotions to surface. Conflicted at what he wanted to do and what he was being forced to do, Illumi raked his fingers harshly back against his scalp. Some of the long strands tangled, and Illumi felt comforted by the small pains when a few were pulled out by their roots.
I'm sorry Killua… Dropping his head, Illumi knew what he was going to have to do. He would do what would make Killua hate him, and maybe by doing so it would drive Killua further away from him and their family. I want you to be free little brother.
Using the door as a brace, Illumi pushed his body forward reluctantly. The Zoldyck could not waste any more time, Killua was already off the mountain by now and if he did not hurry he could lose his brother. Though Illumi hoped he would lose Killua, it was highly unlikely. The pin he had implanted in his little brother's brain years ago would always allow Illumi to find him. If Silva had not been aware of the pin, it would have been an easy ruse… the world was large after all.
However his father was aware of not only the pin, but that Killua himself was unaware of its existence. There was no plausible way for Killua to remove it at this point, tying Illumi's hands in a way he was not happy about.
Settling his features into the only expression Illumi's brothers had ever seen, he left his room and began to plan out how to make Killua hate him even more. It was not an easy task, but Illumi would ensure his brother had the chance to escape he never had. And maybe one day, Illumi could help his three other brothers to escape as well.
Illumi should be the only one forced into this existence… let the others find their passions and live everyday as they wanted.
Illumi blinked as he stood still once more, no longer surrounded in the familiar setting of his home. Death stood before him, his black cloaked arms crossed and his face still hidden by the overhanging cowl.
Looking down at his hand, Illumi saw that it was paler than it ever had been in life. His gaze looked up at Death, who was silent, and felt the weight of the creature's gaze. Illumi was confused… had he not just been on Kukuroo Mountain?
Illumi frowned as he thought about it… what he had thought he had just experienced was a memory from three years ago. Killua was no longer twelve, he was fifteen now. Illumi remembered that, remembered seeing the older silver haired teen with his friends and all of them having a great time. It was probably the first time Killua had ever enjoyed his birthday so much…
"Come…" Death's hollow whisper echoed around Illumi's thoughts. The assassin obeyed and started forward, keeping his eyes trained on the wavering figure as they continued on their journey. Illumi still did not know where they were going, or how long it would take to reach there, but as they travelled his mind once more reached back into his memories.
Death felt Illumi's presence fade once more as he was caught in another memory… this one darker than the other two. He followed Illumi into his thoughts and caught sight of bright red hair…
Black eyes looked up from the silent chaos he had created and locked onto a pair of smiling blue ones. How odd…
Surrounding them were Illumi's latest victims. The kills had not been entirely clean, but they had improved the more Illumi was allowed to practice. A total of nine bodies lay about the room, on chairs, the floor, and even sprawled over the back of the couch; six were male while the remaining three corpses were female. The ages varied from a little girl no older than eleven, to the oldest man approaching his late forties, all in various stages of dress and undress.
The other boy allowed his eyes to rove over them, taking in the appearance of each and every one of them. He was smiling the entire time, eyes lighting up the more blood he saw. Illumi himself did not allow his eyes to stray. Still ready to attack at the slightest threat, the Zoldyck stood facing the other boy, who could only be around his age judging by his appearance.
"Was this all you?" The red head asked, strolling into the room and stopping once he reached the first body. It was of a young woman in her twenties, her pink hair was matted in blood and her eyes were hollow and lifeless. They didn't hold his attention like the rest of her figure did. Slit from the base of her throat down to her navel, he could see all the way into her body, licking his lips as he saw the blood which had pooled inside of her.
He continued on, moving from body to body and inspecting the work. Some were in worse shape, some in better. But no matter where he looked, they all shared one thing in common; they were all surrounded in their own blood. It was beautiful…
Rooted to his place, Illumi watched closer as the red head moved. His shoulders were shaking, and only when he neared the body closest to Illumi – the youngest girl whose throat Illumi had cut quickly and efficiently upon entering to discover her completely naked – did he realize what the other was doing. He was laughing. Laughing at the blood and death Illumi had created and which turned his own stomach.
"Ne~ Was it you~?" The red head asked again, nudging the body and looking into Illumi's eyes.
The formless being known as Death made his own round of the room, taking in the scene and remembering his own thoughts of when he was here the first time. He peered down into the frozen face of the young girl, bringing forward the memories of seeing her shivering form. The poor child… she had not even realized she had died until Death took her hand to lead her to her final place.
Raising his head away from the girl's body, Death returned his attention to the two living occupants.
"Aren't you going to answer?" The red head had yet to lose his smile.
"Why should I?"
"Ah~ So you can speak… Were you just ignoring me earlier? That's not very ni~ce~"
"I have no obligation to be nice."
The red head's smile finally broke and his features fell into a pout, his eyes diverted down to yet another body. The man at his feet had been the last one to die, but he had suffered. The red head's blue eyes scanned down the torso of the dead teen, lighting up at each new injury. They all seemed so shallow and innocent… light wounds from attempting to save his own life… until his gaze landed on the embedded piece of glass in his leg. Apparently, the boy had been closest to the window upon the assassin's entry. His wounds were the result of the shards slicing into his skin, there was blood but only in a pitiful amount.
Illumi, after smashing through the window, had picked up a large piece of glass and used it as a weapon. It was crude, but it had done its job.
"But don't you want to be my fri~end~?"
"Assassins have no need for friends." Illumi responded immediately, the same line which had been drilled into him by his parents and he in turn had repeatedly told he brothers. And even if Illumi didn't believe that to be true, it did him no good to go against his parents. For them, and for the sake of his younger brothers, Illumi would remain friendless.
"Pity… I think everyone needs a friend…"
"Do you have a friend?"
"Hmm… no… not anymore… He got boring so I killed him." It was said so casually that Illumi wondered if the boy felt any remorse over his actions at all. Was he as used to killing as Illumi was? Then why did Illumi always feel disgust afterwards when this boy seemed to feel nothing? "Ne~? Would you want to be my new friend?"
"Assassins have no need for friends." Illumi repeated, unconsciously relaxing his hands as the other turned his back, inspecting the male corpse which hung over the back of the couch. This one's left arm was nearly dismembered from his body, hanging on by a little bit of skin that would soon tear apart under the law of gravity.
"But you aren't just an assassin… Don't you have a name?" The red head turned his head enough to show off another smile, though the rest of his body didn't move. He seemed less of a threat this way.
"Of course I have a name."
"Oh? Won't you tell me then?"
"Only if you tell me yours first."
"Hmm… Okay~ I'm Hisoka."
"What's your surname?"
"Don't have one~"
"How can you not have a surname?"
"That wasn't the deal~"
Feeling irritated and tired, Illumi decided to just tell him. It wasn't like his name was a secret; his family was well known in not just the underworld, but in all walks of life.
"My name is Illumi Zoldyck." Expecting the usual flash of fear, followed by an attempt to hide it, Illumi was shocked when this Hisoka seemed to show none. A spark of recognition in his eyes followed by… nothing.
As though he didn't care.
"Interesting…" was all he said.
The scene distorted. The room warped and twisted until it was unrecognizable and the two were once more in the void.
The last trickle of memory fled from Illumi's mind as he stared at the otherworldly being in front of him. That memory had faded over the years until Illumi wasn't even sure he had remembered his first meeting with Hisoka. It was strange, seeing it again after all these years.
Despite that meeting, Hisoka had slowly grown to become Illumi's first and only friend. However, Illumi had had to keep his distance from even the jester.
"Come…" Death whispered, beckoning the dark haired man forward, "…we are nearly there."
Illumi wanted to ask where 'there' was but he could not open his mouth. Brushing his fingers over his mouth, Illumi felt the almost invisible threads which bound his lips together. He could not speak. Why was he not allowed to speak?
Lifting his questioning eyes to Death, Illumi continued to follow. Neither made a sound and all was silent.
It was not much longer before Illumi began to notice a swirling mist start to cling to Death. The white vapor was prominent against the solid black, playfully climbing its way up and down the ethereal being's body before approaching Illumi.
Looking down at his legs, he saw as the mist grew thicker until his feet were cut off from his sight. Where were they going that there was so much mist?
Raising his eyes, Illumi stopped to look around him. Death, who had guided him this far, was gone and the scene was no longer a void. The Zoldyck was standing on a riverbank. The river was fast, and dark. Crouching down, Illumi cupped some of the liquid in his hands and saw that is wasn't dark; it was red and warm.
Allowing the liquid to drain through his fingers Illumi regained his full height. This place… had he not heard of a river once? A river in the after world?
Distracted from his thoughts, the assassin saw the approaching figure of a man on a boat. The ferryman was coming for him. But in order to pass, Illumi would have to pay him… the question was with what? As soon as the thought passed through Illumi's mind, he felt something heavy against his tongue. Swallowing lightly, it tasted metallic… a coin? But his lips were sewn together… Had it always been there?
Glancing around his feet he could see nothing with which to cut the binding threads.
Illumi looked to his left hand, wondering if he still had the ability to transform the harmless nails into claws. With a swift breath in, Illumi did indeed manage to transform his hand. It was not nearly as fast or as painless it had been in life, but he managed and before his strength left him, Illumi used the long index claw and sliced open his lips. The thread split apart easier than Illumi had anticipated.
Contorting his hand back to normal, the Zoldyck brought that same palm up to catch the coin he spit from his mouth. Covered in blood from his bleeding lips, he had just enough time to offer the payment to Charon, the ferryman who would carry Illumi across the river and into the underworld.
Standing in the boat as it slowly left the shores; Illumi finally remembered how he had come to meet Death in the first place…
On the top of the Zoldyck estate on Kukuroo Mountain, Illumi stood beneath the bathing moon light. He was alone, not even his family knew he was here. They believed he was on another continent, hunting a target that did not actually exist.
Looking down at his hands, Illumi knew it was finally time. His brothers were able to protect themselves and no longer required him. Milluki, who was twenty-two, had finally broken away from under their mother's thumb. He was spending his days working under the Hunter's Association, thanks to Killua's and Illumi's connections. Killua himself was still with Gon, looking for Gon's father and having many adventures along the way. The last time Illumi had seen them, watching from his place in the shadows, Illumi had seen a real smile on his brother's face. Gon had managed to make Killua feel normal, despite his past, and for that Illumi was grateful he had allowed the boy to live. As for the youngest two, Illumi had been able to get them out as well. He had helped Kalluto escape during a mission and sent both him and Alluka to a place where their parents couldn't touch them; they were living in NGL.
Closing his eyes, he clenched his fists tightly and felt the rest of his body relax. Opening both eyes and hands, Illumi pulled his cell phone from his pocket and sent a single word text to Hisoka,
Goodbye
before crushing the device and letting the broken pieces fall to the ground far below.
That was it… there was nothing left for Illumi to do.
As he looked up at the brilliant full moon, he smiled and felt his hand transform into a claw. A claw which had torn out the hearts of too many people to count, and even more had died by other methods by the same hand.
Breathing out, Illumi raised the claw and pierced his own chest. The pain was intense, much greater than he had ever known, but without faltering he ripped out his own heart and crushed it in his fingers.
Blood and tissue coated his hand, dripping onto the roof and some even spraying over Illumi's face. His lifeless body crumpled, his back hitting the tiles all at once. Blood seeped from the chest wound for only a few seconds as a trickle escaped from his mouth. Surrounding his upper body was Illumi's hair, which he had cut the moment he had seen it was a full moon.
There was no better way to die than by his own hand beneath a full moon and with a peaceful expression on his face.
Illumi Zoldyck was dead.
A/N: There are still no words that I can say about this story, except that I felt it was something which needed to be shared, and I want to take this opportunity to thank every reader who reaches this point.