A/N: I decided to just write a random one-shot, that I find extremely sad. There is a character death so be warned, but give it a chance.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee sadly.
"Remembering Her"
It's during times like these when she's with a random girl that she met that night, she remembers her. When they tumble over the edge, moan and scream her name, she pretends it's her voice instead.
She tries to picture her instead, but no one will ever compare to her. The way her caramel skin had a sheer glimmer of sweat after she had come undone, how her brow furrowed and her brown eyes squeezed shut, she looked so vulnerable.
The way she smiled and her face lit up, the sound of her laugh. She swears no one would ever be as beautiful as Santana. Now she can't even say her name without breaking down, and no one is there to calm her, whisper sweet nothings in her hear or hold her until she falls asleep to the sound of Santana singing a sweet Spanish lullaby, because she's gone.
Every day is a battle. She tries to forget, but she never can. There's always something that brings her back. Her heart is broken and she tries to fill that void. But no amount of one night stands will ever mask the heartbreak that she endures. Her face is forever engraved in her memory. Every detail. The way her brown eyes were always filled with love and hope, unaware of what was to come.
She had a plan.
They had a plan.
She remembers Santana would always tell her that one day they'd get out of Lima, she'd become a professional dancer, and Santana would become a famous lawyer, they'd settle down, raise a family, and grow old together. Losing her and death weren't part of that plan. Those things had never even crossed her mind.
Here it is three years later, and she'd somehow managed to get out of Lima, move to New York and become a professional dancer alone. She lost her drive and motivation though, which was always Santana. She hasn't seen or really even heard from anyone in glee since she left after graduation. After it happened they all tried to comfort her, and be there. But none of them could ever nor would they ever understand what she was going through, and was still going through.
Three years later and it still feels like it happened just yesterday. When she found Santana lying on the floor in her bathroom, her skin as cold as stone and she looked so peaceful. She remembers holding her, screaming and begging for her to come back but it was too late, she was gone. She left a note and all it said was "I'm sorry; I know I'll never be able to be enough, and I hate myself for it, you deserve the world and I know I'll never be able to give it to you. Please just find someone that can, and forget about me. I love you forever and always."
She sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night expecting her to be there and it to all have been a dream but it's not, this is one dream that she will never wake up from. The funeral was the hardest she was supposed to speak but she couldn't stop herself from sobbing uncontrollably. She visited her grave every day and practically lived at the cemetery the days leading up to graduation. She would talk to her while running her fingers across her name engraved in the limestone expecting a response, when there was none, she'd curse at the sky.
She doesn't smile or laugh anymore, a part of her feels like she died with Santana, which in all honesty she did. Santana was her everything. Her first love, her soul mate, her best friend, the one person in the world that knew her better than she knew herself. Without her she was nothing.
They say never make someone you're everything because when they are gone you'll have nothing. Well how the hell was she supposed to know that Santana was going to be gone?
Maybe that's what drove her to swallow the entire bottle of pills, in the back of her mind she told herself it was the only way to seize the never ending ache in her chest and the only way to be with Santana again.
She began to feel numb and it was as if nothing mattered, she felt her heartbeat slowing, and she closed her eyes and let herself become swallowed whole by death. Her entire life played back while she was drifting away. Every moment she spent with Santana, every kiss, every time they made love, every song she performed with Glee club, everything just faded away until she was met with a blinding light, and the sound of her voice.
She opened her eyes and immediately tears began to fall, her breathe seized. Santana stood in front of her looking exactly the way she had remembered her three years prior. Her dark brown hair cascaded over her shoulders, she could see the tears falling down her beautiful face, and her smile was breath taking. She began to inch forward until she was directly in front of her. The scent of vanilla and cinnamon overpowered her.
"Hey San." she choked out unable to form words. Santana gave her a small smile and intertwined their fingers together.
"Hey B." she responded. "I missed you." Brittany nodded and it was becoming too much. This was all she had dreamt about ever since losing her three years ago.
Santana brought her hand up to cup her cheek and stood on her tippy toes so she was able to look directly into her blue eyes. Their noses were touching.
"I love you." she said with a shaky breath.
"I love you too San." she closed the space between them capturing the Latinas lips with her own, wrapping her arms around her waist tightly never wanting to let go in fear that this was another sick dream. She began to sob into the darker girls shoulder.
Santana kept telling her that she was right there and held her close, singing sweet Spanish lullabies into her ear. She fell into a beautiful, peaceful, blissful, and permanent sleep with the love of her life.