Author's Note: This is my first fanfiction about a video game. I'm a huge BioWare fan and thought I should finally put my own thoughts into a story about some of my favorite characters. This piece is rated M for (much!) later chapters, but it's not just a smut story.

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to BioWare. I own nothing!

Every morning, Garrus Vakarian spent a few minutes just staring at the forward battery. For the rest of the day, he would work tirelessly, optimizing firing algorithms, calibrating… but the beginning of the day was dedicated to one thing: convincing himself that all this was real – Shepard was back and he was working with her again, saving the galaxy… that he hadn't died on Omega and was now in some kind of heaven he didn't deserve. Over the past few years, Garrus had hit rock bottom and he knew it.

He had been in Chellick's office, arguing over a case, when the news hit.

"We've received word that the Alliance ship, SSV Normandy SR-1, has been attacked while investigating possible geth activity in the Terminus systems. Rescue teams have already found some survivors, but Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel, is still missing."

Everything slowed down. A part of him knew there were people running around him, yelling and frantic, but he couldn't hear them. He couldn't focus on anything except that the Commander was missing.

Chellick was in his face. Eyes darting left and right, mandibles twitching.

"Officer Vakarian!"

The memory of Shepard slowly rising from the rubble in the Citadel Tower replayed over and over in his mind. Her strange pale human skin tinted blue from the dust and bruises. But she was smiling. If she had survived that… there was no way she could… No way…

"Officer Vakarian!"

She's just missing, he thought. Sovereign couldn't take her down. She's just… But deep down, Garrus knew what the chill in his blood meant. He felt colder now than he ever had on Noveria.

"Garrus!"

The talons on his shoulder finally brought him back to C-Sec, to Chellick's office. "What?" his gravely voice whispered.

"You should go see Executor Pallin. Or that human councilor, Anderson," Chellick said, his voice firm. "See if they know something the media doesn't."

Pallin… Anderson… Garrus was struggling to bring any meaning to these names. Still consumed by the memory of such a small woman standing on that pile of rubble. Smiling.

Finally, something clicked. "Shepard could still be alive. They'll have a team looking for her."

"It's possible." Chellick nodded.

"I'm going to be on that team," Garrus said, his eyes hardening as he stormed out of the office.

The soft hum of the battery brought him back to the present.

We never found you, Garrus thought.

Kaidan had pushed his way onto the rescue team. It was the first time Garrus had ever seen the human question his superiors. He had never warmed to Kaidan. He was impressed by his abilities, but to Garrus, Kaidan was more like a varren than a man. A varren who had obediently abandoned his master. In his report, Kaidan had made the point of saying again and again that Shepard had ordered him to leave, while she went after Joker.

"She's my commanding officer!" Kaidan yelled. "She gave an order- I had to! I-" His voice was strained. His usually smooth, tanned face was splotchy and red. His cheeks looked gaunt, but his eyes were swollen.

Garrus hadn't asked the biotic for an explanation. Alenko had just started talking. Garrus was trying to keep his anger at bay until they found Shepard. But the fool's constant prattle and excuses were starting to make that very difficult. "How very turian of you, Alenko," he spat. "Hear an order and you obey. No matter the consequences."

"That's not fair, Garrus," Kaidan whispered. "You weren't there. You-"

The turian's resolve snapped. His talons gripped Kaidan's N7 suit and shoved him against the metal wall of the freighter. He lifted the human up so that their eyes were level.

"Obviously I wasn't there. We wouldn't be here, if I had been!" His voice was like acid. Kaidan didn't fight back. He hadn't even tried to protect himself with his biotics when Garrus had attacked him.

He's just a boy, Vakarian. Garrus's plated muscles relaxed under his suit, setting the human down. He opened his mouth and thought about apologizing, but couldn't bring himself to say another word to Kaidan. He doesn't deserve me shoving guilt in his face, but he also doesn't deserve to feel better either. He took a step back and turned as Kaidan slid to the floor.

They found Joker not long after that. During his time on the Normandy, Garrus had never seen the pilot be anything but a smartass. Garrus would never forget the sight that greeted them when they opened the escape pod. Joker was lying on the floor, in his own filth, holding his arm, mumbling incoherently.

"Joker!" Kaidan pushed passed Garrus.

The other man didn't look up. He didn't seem to register that anyone else was there. Kaidan reached out to touch Joker's shoulder then hesitated. Joker was still mumbling. Garrus stepped inside the pod, using his turian hearing to try to make sense of what the man was saying.

"They're coming around… another attack."

Joker was slurring, his words catching on heavy breath every so often.

"Arm… watch the…" His grip tightened on his twisted, obviously broken arm. Garrus saw Kaidan swallow and attempt to touch Joker again, but the turian stopped him. Joker was obviously reliving what happened during the crash. If they were going to find Shepard, they needed him to finish.

"Explosion." Joker closed his eyes, new tears gathered, ready to trace the stains left by the old ones.

"Commander." His voice rose a little, to a volume Kaidan could understand.

"Shepard!" His outburst caused Garrus, Kaidan, and the rest of the rescue team to jump. Garrus's mandibles twitched as he listened to the strange noises Joker began to make. He had seen humans cry in vids, but it was usually a woman and more controlled than this. The sounds the Joker was making were erratic, never in the same pitch. It hurt to hear.

Kaidan finally put a hand on Joker's shoulder. "Jeff," he whispered.

Joker looked up, dazed. It took him a few moments to register who it was. "Kaidan?"

"Yeah. It's me. It's alright now," Kaidan said, squeezing his friend's shoulder softly.

"We're going to get you out of here," Garrus said, stepping directly behind Kaidan.

Joker's eyes widened slightly upon seeing the turian, but glazed over again. "You're here too, Garrus?"

Garrus rubbed three talons against his armored leg, much like a human does when their palms sweat, but the dry friction was meant to keep the turian calm. Normal, every day human practices were strange to him. He had no idea what to do in this kind of situation. He wanted to ask about Shepard, but the man was obviously traumatized. He wished Kaidan had waited a little longer before bringing the man back to reality.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan," Joker said after a long pause.

Garrus saw Kaidan's jaw tighten. His hand dropped from Joker's shoulder, shaking.

"I told her to leave me," Joker continued. "Said I wanted to stay with the Normandy. But you know the commander… She threw me into the escape pod. She was right behind me."

He paused, struggling to find the strength to continue. Garrus growled softly, his patience wearing thin. "Where is she, Joker?" His voice harsher than he intended.

"She was right behind me," Joker repeated. "The explosion knocked her back. I tried to reach out for her. She was too far. I called to her. I tried. I tried. She hit the button to close the pod. I-" Joker's head fell to his chest, shaking back and forth.

Garrus's jaw slacked. He looked to Alenko. The man was whiter than a corpse. "Then what?" he asked. Kaidan fell back, his hands coming up to his mouth. Garrus snarled and pushed passed him to Joker, and yelled, "She pressed the button and then what?"

Joker still didn't answer. He was sobbing again. No longer caring about human customs or Joker's disease, Garrus grabbed the pilot roughly, shaking him. "Where is Shepard, Joker?"

"She's gone."

In the forward battery, Garrus mouthed the words said to him two years ago. In all of his time at C-Sec, Garrus had never felt such anger, such rage. He couldn't really remember what happened after that. He was told later that he started tearing the pod apart. He threatened Alenko and Joker.

He felt bad about it now. They were grieving just as he was. But at the time, all he could think was that they had allowed for Shepard to die. He didn't like to get emotional, didn't like attachment. But Shepard had surprised him in so many ways with her seemingly endless strength and the faith she had put in him. Before her, he had always made decisions based on what others thought was best for him. He had wanted to be a spectre, but instead honored his father's wishes to join C-Sec. Then at C-Sec, he let criminals go because of orders and regulations. But Shepard wanted him speak his mind. She offered advice and gave him direction. She instilled in him the courage to go against his father and enter spectre training. She was his friend, his mentor. And now…

"She's gone."

A distant clanking sound and Gardner's curses broke Garrus's train of thought. If the old man was cooking, that meant the crew would be up soon. He shook his head, reprimanding himself for not being hard at work already. The motion caused some pain in his jaw. He winced slightly and cautiously touched the bandage. The wound and the pain was usually what let him know that he was alive and this was all real. If he was in some kind of afterlife, he was sure he was too vain to leave half of his face behind.

Taking a deep breath, he reminded himself of the facts: Shepard was back. She was gathering a talented, albeit eccentric team to stop the Collectors… the Reapers. The odds were astronomical. It was a suicide mission. And she had asked him to tag along.

Just like old times. Garrus smirked.

Author's Note: Thanks for reading! I see Femshep and Garrus's romance as a gradual thing, so it is going to be a few chapters before I get to anything lovey-dovey. This is kind of their journey to the "love scene" before the suicide mission, which I do plan on writing (hence the M rating). Please review!